Advice? (LDR, new in general)

Hecate

Hecate

New member
Yea, so I'm with PolyCouple2013 (wow, that name XD gonna go with PC from now on), and while we're not exactly dating yet we're getting rather serious about trying it. It's that grey area at the moment between dating and not.

What really worries me more than the usual poly issues, is actually that it's an LDR concerning me. They live in another State.

I'm not against LDRs, but my last relationship was a mono-LDR for a while. We'd been together for almost two years when I had to move back home and across about nine timezones. We stayed together for another year until we fell apart. It hadn't been a healthy relationship really for about a year at that point, but I only realized how bad it was after the fact.

While it has made me more self aware, it's also made me really wary of LDR. Still, PC makes me so happy that I'm willing to try for them, I'm just worried about how I'll handle it. I don't really have the freedom to travel as much as I want for various reasons - primary reason being the fact that I'm dirt poor - so I can't visit. They're also almost 12 hours away.

Any advice you guys could toss my way would be awesome and appreciated.
 
The great thing about poly is that you can accept relationships into your life as they provide value. You seem to be uncertain about this being enough for you. ... you can be with them and appreciate the relationship for what it is. . And still be looking for someone closer to home.
 
Not exactly - it'll be enough for me, I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice on how to cope. I have no desire to find anyone else: we agreed on polyfidelitous triad, which is what I very much want.
 
So youve struggled in an LDR previously, yet are choosing to get into another one where you will hardly see your partners. You will be alone every night, miss all the little things like cuddling, going out etc as well as not be on the road to meeting long term needs you might have such as kids, shared house etc. They will have each over plus the added benefit of you coming over when you can scrape enough pennies together to warm up their bed. It is like you want to be unhappy. What is in it for you?

A smart person would say to the couple that te best chance of this lasting involves you also getting you needs met. It means you seeing other people who can meet some of your needs whilst you develop this relationship too. Over time, you'll be able to see what the couple can offer you and whether they want to treat you like a person with a future, or a convenient pet. Don't set yourself up for failure. Advocate for your needs. Think. Put yourself in their shoes. Be logical.
 
Fair enough.

I'm planning to move, I just can't do so yet, and they have put in an application for a job in my town. So it's going to be a temporary thing. And really, they say that I can - if it happens, it's fine - but I dunno. I'm a faithful kinda person.

Oh, crap - I forgot to mention that the reason I have no money atm is that I don't have a job. I'll find out next week if I have a job. If I get that job, I will start to have decent money flow and travel will then become easier.
 
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So youre not even dating them yet and plan to move twelve hours away to be near them? Are you actually thinking or are you just so excited about being these people's partner that you don't care about any consequences? You know, being faithful means being honest and not breaking agreements. T doesn't mean subscribing to relationship model as close to monogamy as possible. I have no limitations on how many partners I can have, by I could still easily be unfaithful by breaking agreements we made.
 
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No, I get that. Sorry, poor word choice...

I wouldn't be moving JUST for them. I'm currently stuck living in my parents' house, in a town that doesn't have a lot of jobs (college town with several colleges). So I would be in a much better place, with or without them.
 
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Long distance relationships benefit greatly from structure. Sometimes this develops organically but I've found it is better when all parties decide on some sort of structure. Don't worry if you like things to develop organically - other structure Will develop organically but if you give it some framework, it makes things easier (like giving vines a trellis).

Set things up. Some things to consider:
- Specific "date" times (skype, facetime, whatever cam app)
- Good morning and/or good night phone calls/texts
- A "pass around" journal or photo book. Write about your experiences and why you love one another and include pictures etc until you get there. (These used to be mailed but I'm sure you could do a blog or something now if that's your preference).
- Photo books are also nice - there's nothing stopping you from putting together a scrapbook of screen shots from cam dates or dates done alone
- Speaking of dates done alone: Go see the same movie or go to the same type of festival at the same time or on the same day; eat the same dinner; try to cook or make the same project on the same day; etc. Think outside the box.
- Make sure there's always specific time set aside that is just you time (that could mean you with both partners or you with each alone or however you define)
- Talk about things that remind you of them or either one of them. Keep those things on hand for a boost.
- Share things about eachother that you can experience - for instance: if they made someone desert for an office party and said it was really good, ask for the recipe, make it and try it!

Above all remember that, while missing people feels awful, having someone you feel is worth missing isn't something everyone gets to have. :) It doesn't always work but sometimes it's worth trying to turn your "missing" feeling into a positive thing. It's sort of like LDR compersion.
 
My story in a nut shell: I am the hinge of a V I have my husband who I live with and my wife who lives out of state. We have seven children between the three of us. Our dream is to someday join households.

LDR are far from easy. They take exhausting ammounts of communication. My wife and I check in constantly to make sure our needs are being met as best they can be. We call, text, Skype, daily. Hourly even. Having her in my life is worth it. Even from so far away I feel her love every moment of the day.

We have Skype dates set up with just the two of us a few times a week. Every two weeks we have a family dinner with all the kids. It's a bunch of crazy silliness but it keeps everyone connected. She and my husband take time for each other too. They are not lovers but do take care of their relationship as friends

She is my alarm clock. Calls and wakes me up each morning. I love it! Our calls are short but starting the day hearing her voice is pretty amazing.

Any way you can find to connect, do it! I wish you all the luck in the world.
 
First things first, my wife and I started out in a LDR - I was in California and she was in Colorado. After about a year of that, I moved out to Colorado. It was my first LDR, and I actually didn't find it all that difficult to maintain. Granted, I had the money to fly out to see her every other month, and the months that I didn't fly out, she flew to CA to see me.

Now, we're in a LDR with R, who, hilariously, lives in CA. The three of us have been dating in a psuedo-triad for the last few months, and we've seen her twice. She'll be coming out here in December, which is super exciting for me. This particular LDR isn't as easy as it was with M, though.

Communication, I'm learning, is key in a poly relationship. It's even moreso in a LDR poly relationship. The three of us talk via Skype nightly, and M and R talk on their respective drives home since they get out of work around the same time, even with the time difference.

Another thing the three of us do is we each have a night that is for each dyad: me and R have Monday nights, M and R have Thursday nights, and M & I have Friday nights. Those nights are just for the two people. M will go to her parents on Mondays, I'll hang out in the bedroom on Thursdays, and R doesn't call or text during the duration of the Friday date night.

I also send R silly cards in the mail, and M & I did this silly thing where R has a card for every week between when we last saw her and when we next see her. We gave them to her before we left when we went out there. R & I did the same thing for M for the same period of time. My thought is that you don't have to live in the same town or city to be romantic and show someone that you care, so that's another way to cope with being far away from your SOs.

In terms of missing out on cuddles/going out/etc, you'd have the exact same problems in a monogamous LDR, and if you've had one of those, then the same coping mechanisms should work, though if you've all agreed that you can have another relationship if you want it, it might not be a bad thing. I, personally, am a cuddler, so when I'm around R, I'm pretty much attached to her because I don't get to see her often, and that physical connection is important to me.

Basically, communicate.
 
Firstly: thank you to everyone who took the time to reply (also, I'm sorry if I came off as unthinking, or some such - it was extremely late when I wrote the first posts here). I realize now I might've gotten a bit too defensive when really it was my fault for perhaps not explaining better, or misunderstanding. Apparently, I still need to work on my communication skills. >.<;;


@PolyinPractice & london: I realized now that I probably should've mentioned that until we are to the point where either PC move or I do, then I'm free to pursue other relationships, which was made clear to me by them from the beginning. I'm not actively looking for anyone, but hey - if it happens, I won't just ignore the chance.


@crackedpleasures, Maleficent, stillskies: Thanks for the ideas/advice! I'll share these with PC, though they might've already seen. I actually got a wake up call from him this morning. (Actually, I think I'll refer to him as P and her as C from now on, to make things easy). It was really nice, and I might ask if he doesn't mind doing that from now on.

Hahaha, stillskies, I like that - "psudeo-triad". I might use that. XD
 
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