Advice

[movingforward]

Hello, I'm brand new here and was wondering if anyone would like to offer perspectives on a poly related problem.
I've been in a monogamous marriage (with a brief separation) for 10 years and just found out my wife has been cheating with a man she met on poly networks. she's been learning all about this lifestyle and also recently developed a deep interest in bdsm. She gradually clued me in on this, and the more i learn the more i'm shocked. i recently came across her fetlife profile and found that shes friends with people i know in my community. and hasnt been as discreet as id hoped. we have 2 small children, and i'm trying to embrace her new interests but the deception has hurt very much. she was even booking hotel rooms with this guy for extreme d/s play right under my nose. Not trying to be dramatic, but I'm not sure a man can handle much more.

 

[movingforward]

I might add that she seems to really want to experiment on the fringes of what some might consider acceptable behaviour. she's been dropping terms I barely understand: like alpha sub, pack mentality, brat, etc. I keep hitting up google for definitions. i feel like i'm in a nightmare that gets worse by the minute. she says her d/s interest is separate from her polyamorous interest. I'm not a judgemental person. I'm very accepting of people exploring their own desires, but i've never encountered anything like this before.

 

[Cupcakeosaurus]

I am sure many people will have many varying views on this.
First off, I am very sorry for any pain and wronged feelings you have towards your partner and the lifestyle she has embraced. I am by no means a 'voice for the people' the following is merely my humble opinion as a life long member of the poly community.

All relationships, and especially Poly and ethically non monogamous relationships should encompass the following things.

Trust
Honesty
Communication

You have had your trust knocked, been treated dishonestly, and have had a total communication break down. These are not easy things individually for anyone to bounce back from, let alone suffering the triple flip.
Some people are built for monogamy. Some people are and always will be a one love person. Others are built differently and the idea of 'more love' isn't such a scary and ethically questionable concept. In fact, it just feels right. Often when these two types of people collide, someone will always lose, or be forced to hide who they are forever.

I have always believed that you can not be honest with other people until you are honest with yourself. It sounds as if your wife if being honest with herself about what she wants, but has neglected to pass that on.

Do you love your wife? This is a complicated question. What I mean is, do you love the person your wife is, not who she was, not who you want her to be, and not who she may be one day; but rather do you love her as a human being, a person you have shared years with, and someone who knows you better than most? Do you love her right now?

She is in the wrong, no doubt about it. You both made a commitment to Trust, be Honest, and Communicate. You made that commitment as well. It is your turn to approach her and talk about what has happened. Farnkly, and honestly.
In a word, be the bigger man.
It is not impossible that your wife has had trouble finding the right words herself, that she has taken this long to approach you out of fear. Maybe what she needs is you to tell her you are willing to listen. (This does not mean you have to agree)

Many people who are into BDSM, and many in the poly community have children. I can understand your fears about her levels of privacy. It is possible that with a few request from yourself she can tone it down a little. It is not uncommon for people who have chosen to embrace a new life style to attack it with vigor and perhaps a little too much enthusiasm in the beginning. It's a common mistake to make. I am not at all surprised that she has connected with people in your community. There are many more people in alternative lifestyles than popular culture an society would have us believe.
Do you, yourself, have any interest in sexual activity beyond the vanilla ('Normal')? There are many things that could become a fetish. Some of them are as simple as a certain position or a location. Fetishes can be fleeting or a requirement for sexual enjoyment. If you do have one, talk to her about it, use it as a jumping off point for her own expressions of sexual desire. Either way, people should not be ashamed to discuss their desires with their partners; but understand that it is ok to say 'No'.

I think the key to going forward for you is the rule of Communication. You have a duty to be honest when you communicate with her, and in that honesty, I hope she can find it in herself to do the same to you, so that both of you can start to rebuild trust. This doesn't mean yelling, screaming, or crying (even if all these things can be part of your communication); it means taking the time to sit down and address your feelings.

None of this, nothing she has done, is a reflection on you as a person. This is ultimately a choice she has made for herself. This may be rather selfish as a person looking in from the outside, but remember that she is experiencing her own emotions and changes. While the pain my be different, she may very well be hurting also. She has chosen to make the first step and talk to you about it, show you some of 'who she is', when she could have just as easily not. She clearly cares about what you think.

I wish you all the best. I am sorry you had to be introduced to the lifestyle in such a heavy handed way, but know you aren't alone, and that many of the people who have now embraced it were once bit by it. xx

All the best <3

 

[movingforward]

Thank you, cupcakeosaurus, for taking the time to write that beautiful, thoughtful, and pretty much dead on response. I have posted questions anonymously in other poly communities and was also overwhelmed with thoughtful, caring perspectives. Thank u again from the bottom of my heart.

 

[Cupcakeosaurus]

Thank you, cupcakeosaurus, for taking the time to write that beautiful, thoughtful, and pretty much dead on response. I have posted questions anonymously in other poly communities and was also overwhelmed with thoughtful, caring perspectives. Thank u again from the bottom of my heart.

You are more than welcome. I do really hope everything works out for you in a favorable way.

 

[Marcus]

She gradually clued me in on this, and the more i learn the more i'm shocked.

I'm sure this whole thing is pretty shocking. I'll be honest, you have described an extraordinary degree of dishonesty and I'm amazed you are able to take it with such dignity.

I'm also rather amazed that she had the balls to tell you about it. Someone leading a double life like she was isn't very likely to just "out" themselves as she did. So I guess in that regard it's a good thing... geesh.

Personally D/s associations make me nervous and I would be hesitant to be a romantic partner with someone who was involved in that kind of life. There are some folks here who practice D/s relationships and are apparently happy and healthy. I would listen carefully when they start posting as they will likely have the kind of wisdom you can benefit from.

 

[graviton]

I have experienced almost the exact thing that you have described. Feel free to pm me if you like we can talk over text or phone if you need some perspective from a fellow who's been there done that.

 

[movingforward]

hey Marcus. is there a way I'm supposed to act/respond that isn't dignified? What do you mean? I'm trying to hold it together for my kids. maybe that's something you've never heard of someone trying to do?

and is there a way to avoid the capchas when posting? some of those seem impossible to read?

 

[Marcus]

hey Marcus. is there a way I'm supposed to act/respond that isn't dignified? What do you mean? I'm trying to hold it together for my kids. maybe that's something you've never heard of someone trying to do?

You're supposed to act exactly the way you are acting... because it's you.

*I* would find it difficult to be as constructive as you have been. Feelings of betrayal don't encourage me to be my most rational and dignified self and end in emotional swings.

If you think I was giving you grief you misunderstood what I was saying. I am not giving you grief for taking this on the chin with so much grace.

 

[Inyourendo]

You're supposed to act exactly the way you are acting... because it's you.

*I* would find it difficult to be as constructive as you have been. Feelings of betrayal don't encourage me to be my most rational and dignified self and end in emotional swings.

If you think I was giving you grief you misunderstood what I was saying. I am not giving you grief for taking this on the chin with so much grace.

Yes, that sort of betrayal and infidelity would send me packing. Not sticking around amd continuing a relationship qith a liar and cheater. Most definitely not if they planned on continuing

 

[friskyone4u]

Just curious how she "gradually" told you about this, but it sounds like at some point she confessed. At this point i am guessing you are confident that you know everything and that there are not more shoes to drop.

Seems like you have more than one issue to deal with here:
(1) CHEATING- does not matter whether it was BDSM or just plain old vanilla sex, that is the first thing you will have to deal with. Just because you know does not mean you have to accept it, and there seems to be no remorse here, just a relief for her that now you know but that she will continue.
(2) BDSM- IF, and I say IF , you choose to stay in this relationship, you have to decide if you can deal with what you know she is doing when she is participating in these activities that she wants to explore. Again, you DO NOT have to accept this just because she has decided she needs it.
(3) INDISCRETION- assuming you say yes to the first two, this is a big one. You do not need publicity in your community on something you find embarrassing, and you have that right. If you agree to continue with the first two, the LEAST she can do is to adhere to pay more attention to the privacy issue for you.

What we have here to me seems like another situation where someone has stepped outside the marital vows without the consent or knowledge of the partner and now wants to call it poly rather than cheating. The chances of a poly or any non monogamous situation being successful (and you can define what that is to you), are not great when one of those involved wants absolutely NOTHING to do with it.
Lastly, your children should NOT be a long term reason that you stay in a relationship that makes you miserable and that you cannot accept. Millions of children of divorced parents turn out fine so you should not use that as a reason to avoid any of the tough decisions you have to make.
Notice i say YOU. Your wife apparently already made hers. You can try to talk it out but i think it is at the point that you have to make your own decisions.