Advise from other mono/poly people?

O

OliverOwl

New member
Hi all,

It's been a while since I last posted and I can honestly say that things have come a long way. Without getting into it too much, things have largely calmed down, K (lets call him Kel from now on) has really solidified on what he wants and is much more understanding that we BOTH have to be willing to "compromise" if we want a relationship between the two of us to work. I really can't think of a better way to put that, but I definitely mean it without negative connotations.

ANYWAY, the point of this post. As the monogamous partner (and only forum poster) in my relationship I have found a lot of wonderful help from the people here. And some really shit, judgemental comments as well, but that's what happens when you post on the internet C: and everything has been thought provoking anyway. Yet, in all the posts I have read/posted on/lurked over I have seen very little in the way of mono people posting.

What I was wondering if that there would be a way to hear some stories of mono people successfully (however you personally would define that) navigating life with a poly-partner?
 
I'm not sure there's really that much difference from any relationship opening up. I don't even think the issues are that different, though there will be different issues of importance depending on the people involved. I made some forays into trying out poly for myself, but its just not appealing to me. I don't like dating; never have. There's just not a desire or pull for me. I have a full life, some very good friends, happy family, and a loving husband. I don't feel the need for more, though I don't believe there is a limit on how many people you can love. My struggles have been with feeling unstable at times (I hate instability) and the full truth is I think Leo is a terrible hinge. NRE invades frequently. He gets argumentative with me to feel justified wanting to spend time with his OSO and until things settle down, our relationship becomes pretty miserable. Fortunately, he gets over NRE pretty quickly. Another struggle I've had is maintaining a sense of equity. Not that all things are equal or perfectly balanced, but that what is okay for him is okay for me. When I made my short forsays, even after discussing it with him in depth, he was intensely jealous and made some off comments. I'm not okay with that. He cannot hold different "rules" for me than he does for himself, or have expectations for me that he does not have to meet. Those are the things in our relationship.

Personally, I deal with jealousy, feeling left out, fear, and anxiety. Actually, pretty normal stuff. For the most part, I deal with those things myself and try not to bring them to his door. I have discovered a couple of serious triggers and bring him in if they will affect him, but I recognize most of these issues to be mine to resolve. I view it as a growth opportunity and just keep trucking.
 
I have not had a successful experience with a mono partner involved in a polyship. However, I think it's very possible if you have a mono partner like SouthernGal: someone with a very full life, wanting multiple points of interaction with different people, able to share their partner's time and attention (and affections with other lovers) freely....but no interest in more than one romantic partner.

In other words, someone with very similar characteristics to a poly person. Only, the mono person just want lots of friends, children, a busy workload, and/or plenty of hobbies; while their poly partner wants lots of friends, children, a busy workload, multiple romantic interests, and/or plenty of hobbies.
 
In Fetlife, there is a group called "Monopoly The new game". Worth checking out.
 
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