Age differences

1

1234567

Member
How much leeway do you give someone emotionally for being younger?

I have what feels like a really unfair situation, on all.

I am dating someone who is 10 years younger than me, and I tend to be mature

So is he-- and really incredibly so.


I've been through a couple opening up before, which he is still seeming to be in the midst of, and have a really strong idea of what I need and don't.

At the moment, what I need is that when he needs to disappoint me (change plans, etc), that he really owns shit and brings it up with openness to hearing feelings and having input and providing a little support.

What is happening is more like. Oh, hey, I need to disappoint you -- oh look, let's focus on something else.

It's I think because he isn't comfortable disappointing others.

And it's a maturity thing to say. "This situation is going to suck for one of my partners. I can work on it not happening agajn, but meantime let me see 1234567 is alright, if that is the person I am choosing to disappoint."

I can ask for what I need- and will. But I think in doing I'm asking him to be more mature than anyone really should be asked of at his age. (Early 30's). I know I didn't learn that till much later.

And in the meantime, I know asking myself to go through an opening up without the support I need is going to cause a crash and burn.

It looks to me like incompatibility for a romantic relationship unless he is able to really jump forwards-- but to check out, is there a tolerance or other skills I need to develop?
 
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I think I've answered my own dilemma somewhat. It seems to me that I can tell him I'm concerned about what I need being too much to ask-- because it would be too much to ask of myself at the same age-- and it getting to be too heavy to ask of someone. and let him respond. I'm totally willing to grow with someone if it is growth they want; not so much if they are only doing it to keep me.

i have a tendency to actively enjoy growth, and so am more comfortable putting myself in a situation that causes it than most people are.

If he were like me, this might be workable, and in fact, not make the relationship less enjoyable but more enjoyable and closer, , but that's something I don't know about him yet.
 
Age Differences

I am 31 years older than my wife of 4 years. It's a mistake to assume that large chronological age differences automatically equate to emotional disconnect. I have a much closer relationship with my current wife, emotionally and otherwise, than I ever had with my ex-wife, who was my age. My ex-wife was an eternally immature individual.
 
As someone who has a partner who is 17 years older than me (we've been together for 12 years) I would say: Be really careful when you choose what is "immature" and what is your partner.

Assuming that what you need and what is "mature" as apposed to... you know, what you need and want. And that his reaction is "immature" instead of a perfectly fine reaction that doesn't work for you.

I don't think you are doing your partner or you any favors by assuming there is a correct mature way and an incorrect immature way. Because that means you have no room to move towards him and his needs and/or desires. Because your way is right. And if he can't do it, or doesn't like it, or does it for the wrong reasons, then it's because of his lack of maturity. Which is writing off his experiences, feelings and needs. Coming at it with"there is a right way and a wrong way and your way is right" isn't nearly as helpful as coming at it with "Well, we have different ways of handling this. What will work best for both of us?"

If you keep thinking of him as lesser than you then you won't ever fully show up for the relationship.
 
Hi 1234567,

I think you should go ahead and tell the man you are dating what you are needing from him. You did say that he is very mature, so he can probably handle it. I hope you can get things worked out with him, and that you'll keep us posted on the forum.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
1234567 said:
How much leeway do you give someone emotionally for being younger?

I've been through a couple opening up before, which he is still seeming to be in the midst of, and have a really strong idea of what I need and don't.

At the moment, what I need is that when he needs to disappoint me (change plans, etc), that he really owns shit and brings it up with openness to hearing feelings and having input and providing a little support.

What is happening is more like. Oh, hey, I need to disappoint you -- oh look, let's focus on something else.

It's I think because he isn't comfortable disappointing others.

And it's a maturity thing to say. "This situation is going to suck for one of my partners. I can work on it not happening agajn, but meantime let me see 1234567 is alright, if that is the person I am choosing to disappoint."

I can ask for what I need- and will. But I think in doing I'm asking him to be more mature than anyone really should be asked of at his age. (Early 30's). I know I didn't learn that till much later.

And in the meantime, I know asking myself to go through an opening up without the support I need is going to cause a crash and burn.

It looks to me like incompatibility for a romantic relationship unless he is able to really jump forwards-- but to check out, is there a tolerance or other skills I need to develop?
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I don't see this as a maturity thing at all.

If I am understanding the situation correctly, you're dealing with someone who is in the process of opening up a previously monogamous relationship? And that means that sometimes, he needs to disappoint you by changing plans with you, because of something to do with his other still-in-the-opening-process relationship?

And you feel that, if anyone needs to change plans with you -- whether for this specific reason or for any reason at all is unclear -- they should "brings it up with openness to hearing feelings and having input and providing a little support?"

Honestly, to me that looks like a simple matter of incompatibility on the subject of how ironclad plans are expected to be, and how serious a problem it is to change them. I'm 47, and I could never date somebody who expected that every time I had to change plans on them, I brought up this Big Thing I had just done, with the expectation of having a lot of Big Feelings dropped on me and having to comfort the person I changed plans on, because of how disappointed they are. It's nothing personal; it's because I have severe fibromyalgia and I will need to change plans sometimes -- probably pretty often -- and when I do, it's because I am seriously ill and incapable of dragging myself out of the house because I'm in a shitload of pain. That also means I'm incapable of dealing with the energy expenditure of hearing my partner dump a load of disappointment and anger on me because I've done something so terrible to them as to change plans.

None of that means there's anything inherently wrong with what you need. I am simply using myself as an example of someone who'd be completely incompatible with that particular need, and therefore shouldn't date anyone who feels as you do about it. There are plenty of other people who would be fine with the expectation that they very, very rarely change plans; and when they do, they treat it as a major offense and stand ready to offer extensive comfort and apologies for what they've done... because they're not in a position where they're likely to have to change plans often, and they probably feel it's a more serious offense themselves than I do, so they're prepared to be held to the same standard they hold partners to.

It sounds to me as if this guy you're telling us about is closer to my end of the spectrum than he is to yours, in this respect, however. He's got a reason why he may need to change plans sometimes -- a partner who isn't all that used to his dating other people, and doesn't always cope well with it. He also may not see changing plans as nearly as much of a big deal as you do in general, which would make him disinclined to tolerate an expectation that he "really own his own shit" about it... assuming that means, as it appears to, the willingness to acknowledge that his changing plans was terrible behavior, and stand ready to make up for it in whatever way you require.

Most people who don't agree with you that changing plans is a Really Big Deal will not be comfortable with a partner who expects them to make up for doing it by accepting lots of Big Feelings thrown at them for doing it. That's not an age thing. That's a thing that comes from not feeling as if they did anything to deserve that kind of treatment. You are free to disagree, and I'm not even trying to tell you that you're wrong... I don't think this is a subject on which there really is a right way or a wrong way. But if it is very important to you that your partners NOT change plans very often, and be accepting of Big Feelings every time they do, you will probably be happier if you stick to dating people who feel the same way about changing plans that you do, rather than feeling that it's not such a big deal. And you will also probably be happier if you don't date anyone who has an existent reason, such as my illness or an insecure partner who is new to poly, to need to change plans very often.

So I definitely think there is an incompatibility thing here, and one which is not resolvable unless you can get more comfortable with partners who change plans (because it doesn't sound as if this one is likely to get more comfortable with not changing plans much). I don't think that would be any different if he were sixty. I just think it's part of the situation -- your character, his character, and the newly open relationship.
 
I don't believe it is an age thing necessarily. Early 30s is not THAT young. If your partner had been in his early-mid 20s, I might think differently.

My male partner Jester is 10 years my senior and has had many more relationships than I have, however it is ME who usually addresses the difficult topics as they arise, and I tend to be far less conflict-avoidant than him.

Part of the reason for this is the way he was raised by his parents ("a palatable lie is preferable to a troublesome truth") who favoured sweeping issues under the carpet and ignoring them... until somebody invariably tripped on the lump. Part of it is because I have been involved in far more stable, less abusive relationships than Jester has. In other words, although older, his experiences have taught him to avoid issues instead of confronting them.

It has been an on-going battle to get him to learn to both impart information pertinent to his life in a timely manner (we are long distance and I cannot read minds!) and to confide in me about his past, his feelings, and what may be bothering him at any given time - as well as to be open to listening to ME vent about my life or raise issues that affect our relationship.
 
Yeah, I'm not that compatible with still opening up couples in general. Or maybe I am - it kind of depends what they are looking for- a fast track, or a slow track.

I would have no problems with a partner of mine with fibro cancelling on me because they needed to. There would be no feelings talk. There would be no guardedness for me. I might possibly be disappointed alongside concerned, but what would predominate is concern for their own feelings and disappointment (which is likely to be more than my own- I know what it's like to have my body need to change my plans and it sucks). My partner wouldn'r hear disappoimtner unless I knew they would be okay with it. Instead, they would hear, "is there anything I can do to help?" I've had partners with fibro, Ehler's Danlos, disabling anxiety. I've also been temporarily disabled for mutiple years on end- and am just pulling out of that. This comes from experience.

I know I'm said it badly, but this is different.

I do have impatience with common newbie issues, though. I'm impatient with "I can treat you in a way I never would treat or have treated my wife or a friend or a extended family member because you are new to me and I am in a relationship ." I'm impatient with "we discovered there are feelings coming up that we didn't know about-- so rather than work through the feelings in us, we're going to create a circumstance that reasonable people would balk at and expect you to be okay with it- because we're a couple." I'm impatient with "we decided we will do things this way- and we know you will be okay with it before talking to you, because we thought it through for a generic imaginary person,, even if that was without your input"

I'm not saying all this is happening with this person-- not at all. But there are some things that at least look that way, and need to be worked through.

I honestly think it is a good thing to be impatient with those. They will either be met with initial acceptance and later struggle by someone they date with less experience, resulting in hurt feelings, or those things can change,

This impatience is, in theory, an advantage,
I'm starting to realize (I have, like most people, internalized couples privilege, and am as reluctant to rock the boat as the next person, even knowing it is necessary)

I could, with people willing to take advantage of feedback, accelerate the growth process in them. (In the meantime, it would be good for me to know I could go into a situation I was at a technical power imbalance from and hold my own and have the result be beneficial to all. At the moment I shy away from power imbalances because of past disasters, or enter with too much caution and not enough confidence.)

I also do not think what I'm asking for from a partner is not unreasonable. a good partner will want that too, Im wanting stuff like no power imbalance (as appropriate the level of relationship), the ability from my partner to determine their own schedule before offering me a date barring unforeseen circumstances (like a fibro flare or actual family emergency). the ability to listen and take in what I have to say and have that be considered without preconception and for that to have the possibility of influence because it makes sense, the ability to throw out rules in the face of real people, the ability to keep their word unless an emergency comes up.

Newbie couples aren't good at that usually because they are guarded about "how is this going to affect my relationship" and don't have the security yet to know "if I treat my one partner as valued, I can still treat my other partner that way." The trouble is that this sets off guardedness in me - "what is your partner going to need, and how are you going to treat me as a result".

What I need to hear to be unguarded in the moment is "I'll consider the effect my actions will have on your feelings, and I'll consider what you have to say and be open to being changed by that." (I am now getting the sense the first is growing to be true, but the second is in process.)

Alternatively, I know I'm going to take care of myself, and not put myself into a situation that IS imbalanced-- but I don't have the confidence that I can do that without constant vigilance on my part, in the face of couple privilege. I suppose I could get more secure.

----

We talked, and it was a lot more complicated than it looked on the circumstance. He is, indeed, way more mature than I was at that age- and there seems to be a compatibility that I would not have had with a "me" that age. And I was impressed.


I think there probably needs to be more talk.

I don't see it as impossible to get to "I'll listen to what you say and take it in and keep myself separate enough as a person from my other partner to figure out what I think, and let that change me if appropriate."

I do think I'm not getting that now about some of the things we are discussing. I did get it, though, on the issues that we discussed in the past. In a way that leaves me impressed.
 
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Oh, and side note- we're actually pretty compatible on thinking changjng plans is a big deal. It may even bother him more than me-- and it seems to have bothered him that it happened more than it bothered me, and he's actively trying out solutions.

He also has appreciated the feedback as something that lets things be fixed, rather than stew.
 
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And I really like the cautions and experiences everyone shared- thank you! That's comforting, and helps me calibrate better.
 
So, this has been a lot of thinking out loud, but I think in the end, all I'm needing is a partner who can differentiate between themselves and their oldest relationship.

Who can look at the world and say, "I may have made a mistake there, in the choice I made-- even if it was a choice that was good for my longstanding relationship. It might have been bad for others".

In short, not confusing "protective of my relationship" with "the moral choice."

I need a partner who can look at a source of input from a new partner and say "what do I think about this? It may rock the boat if I change my mind about something based on my experiencing of the world outside my coupledom- but my search for the truth and good ethics is worth that,"

I respect and appreciate when rhose are the dynamics at play.
 
1234567 said:
So, this has been a lot of thinking out loud, but I think in the end, all I'm needing is a partner who can differentiate between themselves and their oldest relationship.

Who can look at the world and say, "I may have made a mistake there, in the choice I made-- even if it was a choice that was good for my longstanding relationship. It might have been bad for others".

In short, not confusing "protective of my relationship" with "the moral choice."

I need a partner who can look at a source of input from a new partner and say "what do I think about this? It may rock the boat if I change my mind about something based on my experiencing of the world outside my coupledom- but my search for the truth and good ethics is worth that,"

I respect and appreciate when rhose are the dynamics at play.
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That doesn't sound unreasonable. It may not be something you can get in a relationship with a partner who is just starting to open up a previously monogamous relationship, though. Monogamy is essentially a conscious decision to prioritize protecting the selected relationship over every aspect of any other romantic partnership -- even over having them at all. If a couple is still mostly in that headspace, and has only gotten as far as thinking that maybe, just maybe, their existing relationship isn't quite so fragile as to be destroyed instantly if either of them have relationships with other people, then they're not likely to have taken the even further step of thinking that perhaps prioritizing the safety of the existing relationship above every other factor isn't always the best or wisest approach.
 
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