Lately as things have been developing for me and Hubby we have been talking about options and things about adding a woman into the equation I feel like it is all I can think about. His condition to me taking things further with Coun is that he have someone he can spend the time with while I am with Coun. I am ok with this and we have been looking together to find a woman we can both connect with and be friends with(first) but even though it's only been a couple days it has seemed to be very difficult and I am not very patient. My problem right now is I feel like this is all I can think about. I miss Coun and I want to spend time with him but I can't and don't want to leave Hubby by himself to do so. I also do Not want to jump into anything with another woman to have what I want. I am feeling confused and consumed. I want to think of something else, anything else, for more than just a few minutes! What is going on in my head?! Anyone have suggestions or been through similar situations? Is NRE eating at me? I'm feeling a bit lost...
All Consuming Thoughts
- Thread starter Ever
- Start date
WhatHappened
Active member
So he's looking for a woman to entertain him while you're with another guy?
Most women, if they understand they're being used for this purpose, won't agree to this.
Most women, if they understand they're being used for this purpose, won't agree to this.
This isn't what I mean. I guess it kind of sounds like that...He does not want entertaining but companionship. Equal parts to the equation if that makes any sense? It makes sense to me.
We/He - not looking to "use" anyone.
Maybe I am no good at explaining myself but I meant to imply neither.
Hi Ever,
I think you are just trying to be fair to your husband which is okay, it is a nice thing to do. You've been looking for a couple of days but you have to realize, sometimes it takes months or even years to find the right person. You have to find the right person that clicks with you.
Maybe your husband could cut you some slack, as long as you're making efforts to search for this woman he wants to find? I know you don't want him to be lonely but sometimes people can find things to keep themselves busy while the other person is away. I hope he'll let you take things further with Coun, or at least that you won't feel bad about going to see Coun. After all, Coun is a nice person too and he deserves to see you.
There's lots of reasons why you could be thinking about this so much; maybe it is NRE; who knows? We'll try to talk you through it and find a solution.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
I think you are just trying to be fair to your husband which is okay, it is a nice thing to do. You've been looking for a couple of days but you have to realize, sometimes it takes months or even years to find the right person. You have to find the right person that clicks with you.
Maybe your husband could cut you some slack, as long as you're making efforts to search for this woman he wants to find? I know you don't want him to be lonely but sometimes people can find things to keep themselves busy while the other person is away. I hope he'll let you take things further with Coun, or at least that you won't feel bad about going to see Coun. After all, Coun is a nice person too and he deserves to see you.
There's lots of reasons why you could be thinking about this so much; maybe it is NRE; who knows? We'll try to talk you through it and find a solution.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
I agree with Kevin that you're trying to be fair to your husband.
In my opinion--and I'm sorry if this sounds harsh--your husband is NOT being fair to you. You have feelings for Coun, and your husband is aware of and apparently okay with this, but he's asking you not to act on those feelings unless or until he has a woman he can spend time with.
You can't control whether he finds a woman or not. And as has been said in other threads on these forums, some women are weirded out at best when a man's *wife* approaches them or is involved with helping the man make a connection. If your husband wants a woman to date, it's *his* responsibility to find one, not both of yours together.
If he's truly okay with you exploring your feelings for Coun and spending time with Coun, I don't think he should be putting conditions on it that you might not be able to fulfill. If you aren't "allowed" to spend time with Coun until your husband has a woman friend, you might NEVER be able to spend time with Coun. It isn't always easy for a married man to find a woman to get together with, even if the wife is on board with the whole thing.
I don't think you're dealing with NRE, necessarily... I think you're dealing with feelings that you aren't being allowed to express or explore, and that makes it harder to get it out of your head.
Could you tell your husband that you understand his wish to have someone to spend time with, but you would like to be able to progress with Coun in the meantime?
In my opinion--and I'm sorry if this sounds harsh--your husband is NOT being fair to you. You have feelings for Coun, and your husband is aware of and apparently okay with this, but he's asking you not to act on those feelings unless or until he has a woman he can spend time with.
You can't control whether he finds a woman or not. And as has been said in other threads on these forums, some women are weirded out at best when a man's *wife* approaches them or is involved with helping the man make a connection. If your husband wants a woman to date, it's *his* responsibility to find one, not both of yours together.
If he's truly okay with you exploring your feelings for Coun and spending time with Coun, I don't think he should be putting conditions on it that you might not be able to fulfill. If you aren't "allowed" to spend time with Coun until your husband has a woman friend, you might NEVER be able to spend time with Coun. It isn't always easy for a married man to find a woman to get together with, even if the wife is on board with the whole thing.
I don't think you're dealing with NRE, necessarily... I think you're dealing with feelings that you aren't being allowed to express or explore, and that makes it harder to get it out of your head.
Could you tell your husband that you understand his wish to have someone to spend time with, but you would like to be able to progress with Coun in the meantime?
WhatHappened
Active member
If he (or the two of you) want to sell himself to a woman, you need to be able to explain to her what you do mean.
To say he wants companionship, not entertainment, doesn't really change the deeper issue. He is looking for a woman to provide companionship for him while his own wife is busy with another man. It could still be argued he's 'using' her for companionship, rather than entertainment. It's as if you found a really cool new car, and he said, "You can only have it if I get one, too!"
What does he have to offer her in return? Most women, when dating, are looking for someone to be there for them, have their backs, become a husband and build a life with, someone they can count on to be there and share the burdens of life with, to work side by side, quite likely to have a family with.
Do the two of you foresee this in your future? Or will you expect the woman to take care of herself, stay by herself in her own home forever, and be happy with a night or two per week, yet continue to be available to him for...how long? The rest of her life?
Does she get dates with him only when you're out with your guy? Or are there going to be night you sit home alone while he's out with her? What if she wants overnights? What if she wants overnights half the week?
What's in it for her?
There are women out there willing to live this way. But relatively few. By asking someone to date a married man, he has significantly reduced his dating pool.
kdt26417 said:
This is very true and it helps to hear it from someone else. Helps me calm down a bit to read it and really put it into a better perspective. I guess I just got caught up. Forcing a good relationship/friendship/click is not something I want to do so I better just take a breath.
kdt26417 said:
We are so very new to this I think you are right. I think also, as I said just a second ago, I need to calm down, take a breath and let things develop at an easy pace.
kdt26417 said:
Thank you!
KC43 said:
I think you are right.
KC43 said:
I don't know...I think we have a lot to talk about and I just don't even know where to begin most of the time!
nycindie said:
You are right and it sounds really horrible when said like this. My meaning is more that we want to create a relationship with someone new. Each of us with her and by creating memories and things with the three of us together.
WhatHappened said:
I see what you are saying more clearly now.
WhatHappened said:
What we would really like is to find someone that we can become good friends with and then move into the relationship stage with. Take it slow and see where it goes and if things move in the direction of her moving in and living with us then that's what I want as long as all parties involved want it too. We aren't looking for someone just to be with Hubby when I am away but someone we(all three of us or other friends together) can have game night with, go to dinner, and generally have fun with in daily life. As for her wants, well, if and when we find her that would be something we would have to talk about and take step by step.
Maybe the picture I have in my head of this life I want doesn't exist and it's just a good idea when I think about it...I don't know.
WhatHappened
Active member
So if this new potential girlfriend meant to be your husband's GF, or a joint GF? If you're thinking of possibly having her move in someday, what about Coun? Are you also thinking of having him move in?
Candiedlove
New member
I'm confused why him finding a girlfriend has anything to do with you at all? It sounds like he just wants company when you're away. Fine. He just needs to find a few fuckbuddies/fwbs who he can call up when you've planned a date. Nothing wrong with that.
That ideal that you've built up where you're all in a loving family together? Could happen, but not with the conditions you've put around it. And not if it's not what he actually wants.
Keep it simple.
That ideal that you've built up where you're all in a loving family together? Could happen, but not with the conditions you've put around it. And not if it's not what he actually wants.
Keep it simple.
We would like a joint gf but I really have no idea! lol I just started this thread because I felt like I was going crazy and really needed someone detached from the situation to give me their perspective. I haven't thought quite a bit of this through.
Candiedlove said:
I'm confused too. I don't know. Oh it feels like I say I don't know so much and I hate how true it is! I don't know. I just have this picture in my head and I could be way off with how attainable it is but like you said, keep it simple. We are going to just have to take this a step at a time and I'm going to have to stop getting so far ahead of myself and resolve a whole lot of this 'I don't know'.
That's why I am here
This is so new and there is so much I have to learn about life and love and myself.Also everyone of you so far I just want to say Thank you. Thanks for your input and making me think.
WhatHappened
Active member
So how did this start? You want to sleep with and/or have a relationship with this guy Coun, right? But your husband says you only get a boyfriend if he gets a girlfriend? So then you decided a joint girlfriend for threesomes would be good, or how exactly did we get from you want to date Coun to you and your husband want a joint girlfriend?
Do you now want Coun AND a joint GF with your husband?
It started on accident. We started spending a lot of time with Coun and before I knew it, I found that I loved him. I never really meant to go in this direction. Hubby could tell we really cared for each other and brought it up last winter and it has just been slowly progressing into me wanting more time to spend with Coun. We aren't looking to sleep with anyone right now.
I found the word polyamorous maybe about a month ago or something and then found out that all these rules I'd lived by were optional. I told Hubby about all of this and that I would like to have some one on one time with Coun cuz its always been the three of us hanging out or when Hubby and Coun hang out together but never just Coun and I. I wanted to explore just him and I time. I can't say I wouldn't like to sleep with him but not right away.
Anyways, when I told him what I wanted that must have sparked different feelings in Hubby than just the fact that I love Coun. I think he is struggling with some jealousy although he doesn't let on that he may be feeling it in any other way than that he wants to have the option to find someone to connect with as well, preferably that I connect with her also and then sometime in the future sex/threesomes would be brought into the equation. Hubby doesn't want to feel like a third wheel and I don't ever want to make him feel that way, ever.
Hubby and I have been trying to talk about all of this but it has been difficult trying to get our messages across to each other. I could be totally misinterpreting what he means. I don't know the right questions to ask him. I've told him I would like him and I to set boundaries that we are both comfortable with but we haven't seemed to set anything concretely and even the ideas we talked about are a bit blurry.
I think a joint gf would be nice. If we could find someone we both connected with that would be ideal and as long as she and I enjoy each other as at least good friends I would be ok with her not being sexually interested in me. I'm not sure. One thing I do know is that I want both of us to be happy and I don't know that either of us are that right now and the only reason he isn't, I think, is because I am not. I mean, I am happy with our marriage and with him but I hate feeling that longing for Coun all the time...
I hope I at least answered some of your questions without getting too off topic :/
Inyourendo
New member
Nate met kate on MySpace years ago and were online friends for years before hooking up
He met patty through a friend of ours (we all met up for lunch and he took a liking to her. Shes 30 years older than us)
Laurel he met on fetlife
Glenda is a old acquaintance of mine from a playgroup I belonged to
Jane he met on meet me
Terry is someone I messaged on Craig's list who was looking for a poly guy
Deanna he met at a rope show
There have bee many others, either friends of mine or people he met online. Hes never found anyone on okcupid.
He met patty through a friend of ours (we all met up for lunch and he took a liking to her. Shes 30 years older than us)
Laurel he met on fetlife
Glenda is a old acquaintance of mine from a playgroup I belonged to
Jane he met on meet me
Terry is someone I messaged on Craig's list who was looking for a poly guy
Deanna he met at a rope show
There have bee many others, either friends of mine or people he met online. Hes never found anyone on okcupid.
Inyourendo
New member
Jane was a long time lover of his, she lived with my best friend and later nate's mom lived with her. While she had the title of girlfriend it really was more friends with benefits. All the other women except for the people im already friends with I have nothing to do with. Its great for nate to have people to hang out with when im at work or with sam. That was the main reason he wanted to start seeing Deanna because unlike the others whom he likes well enough to text and screw, she's aomeone that he'd like to actually do things with outside the bedroom.
Having fuck buddies is all well and good but it doesn't really feel that emotional void he feels when im with sam for our overnights
Having fuck buddies is all well and good but it doesn't really feel that emotional void he feels when im with sam for our overnights
maxnsue
Inactive
My wife and I saw what having outside lovers does to marriages eventually. It destroyed the marriages of all of our poly friends and almost destroyed mine. We realized that if you look long enough, you will always find someone better, especially since they are only with you for the fun and games. We did a little wife swapping in the same room but unlike some, we never made love with our partners. We just had sex. No kissing or caressing, just sex. My wife had a great solution. She brought her best friend into our marriage. Her g/f was bi and recently divorced and horny. I knew our g/f even longer than my wife did and she and I always flirted with each other openly.
It was a perfect solution to all of our needs with no danger to our marriage. We shared other women but never took on outside lovers anymore. I would not like it if my wife dated other men and she would not like it if I dated other women. We only played together and maybe that is why we lasted over 40 years of marriage with 38 of those years with our g/f. Meanwhile, almost like a cliché, our married friends divorced to live with their lovers. Funny thing about having sex with someone often, you form an emotional bond and are only with them for the fun and games. No dealing with the mundane things of life and no nagging. Makes them seem much more attractive than a spouse.
It was a perfect solution to all of our needs with no danger to our marriage. We shared other women but never took on outside lovers anymore. I would not like it if my wife dated other men and she would not like it if I dated other women. We only played together and maybe that is why we lasted over 40 years of marriage with 38 of those years with our g/f. Meanwhile, almost like a cliché, our married friends divorced to live with their lovers. Funny thing about having sex with someone often, you form an emotional bond and are only with them for the fun and games. No dealing with the mundane things of life and no nagging. Makes them seem much more attractive than a spouse.