Alone in the same home

[fjarilen]

I have a problem and I don't know what to do. My boyfriend and his original girlfriend broke up. I was shocked and confused. I posted when we first got together about how things started. I have actually come to care for her quite a lot. She and I sat in the bedroom trying to talk while he sent her text after text. She said she had fallen for another guy and Shane asked her to pick. When she couldn't chose him right away Shane said it was over. She had already called her family and was ready to move in with them, but she had to figure out what to do with "her" cats - they could not go with her. I was trying to stay rational and help her while thinking I was really glad I had never signaled to try a more delta type situation. Like I said I've come to care for her, but I am always rather slow in making a move. I had gone so far as to step back from Shane when she expressed jealousy that he was spending more time with me. I know it sounds petty, but I did my best to stay two steps behind her. I was worried if I rocked the boat things wouldn't work out. We had gotten to the part of the talk where I asked why they couldn't slow down and try to work things out. She said she hadn't been in love with him for about a year (several months before I got here). He was distant, he was keeping secrets, he didn't want to touch her. (She has also been hiding her contact with her old boyfriends/ husband from him, and I hadn't noticed any of these problems.) But she did love him... Then he sent her a text asking her to tell me that our relationship isn't going anywhere and he wants to be alone. I was shocked. I love him so much. He proceeded to ignore me for the rest of the day and then explain that there is no connection between us. He always felt badly after we did anything. I'm welcome to stay, but he wants to be with only Jessi or no one. Poly is just a dream, he said. I'm sorry, but we're just good friends. Ok, I know, break ups suck. Grow up, move on. But here's the thing. I can't. I burned every bridge I had to be with Shane. My family thinks I'm a heathen, and doesn't want me or my kids anywhere near them. I don't have any other friends. Shane asked me to quit my job shortly after I moved in because he wanted to take care of me, so I have no money. I don't even have a car and I can't get a job, because I have no one to watch my kids. So, here I sit in my ex's home. I get to live here and watch him pine after Jessi as she sneaks into the other room to talk to her "old friends". I thought we were happy. I can't even look at him anymore without crying. How do you live with someone you love and not love them?

 

[fjarilen]

I have a problem and I don't know what to do. Let me give a little background: My two sons and I moved in with Shane and Jessi last July. I fell hard for Shane and Jessi and I became great friends, almost like sisters. A few months later Jessi started to feel jealous. I gathered that this was normal and tried to take the high road by stepping back from Shane. I didn't want to come between them. I love them both to much to see them hurt, especially because of me. Things got better. I stayed reserved and everyone was happy. I had even come to truly care for Jessi. SO much so that I was considering making that terrifying attempt at a more delta-like relationship. Only Jessi has been sick so I waited. I guess I waited to long. The other day Shane and Jessi broke up. Jessi says she loves Shane, but she is "in love" with an old friend of hers that she had been talking to for a while. She has been hiding a lot of these conversations from Shane. I knew about them but didn't think there was anything wrong with talking to old friends, and I didn't think it was my place to tell Shane. Shane told her to choose and when she didn't answer right away he said it was over. I was trying to talk to her and see if there was any way to work things out. She said she could move in with her family, but she couldn't take her cats with her. She spent a half hour crying about leaving her cats and then said she would probably be alone for a year or so to figure things out. I asked if they couldn't try and he had sent her a text saying he would help get wherever she wanted to go, but then he never wanted to see or hear from her again. She was surprised, but she does keep in touch with her ex's so I wasn't. I asked if she wouldn't go with this other guy and she said no, it wouldn't work like that. So I was, again, asking if they couldn't slow this down and try when he messaged her and asked her to tell me that our relationship wasn't working either and he just wanted to be alone. I spent the rest of the day trying to figure out what I had done wrong and Shane and Jessi spent the day "working things out". That night Shane finally came and told me that we had no connection. That he always felt guilty after he got horny enough to... and that we were just good friends. He didn't have the energy to fight after working things out with Jessi and I understood, right? Poly was just a dream and he wanted to be only with Jessi or with no one at all. I was so upset that I walked away without saying anything. I made his coffee for the next day and left a note saying I loved him and went to bed. Ok, I know, break ups suck. Grow up, move on. But I can't. I have no where to go. My family has decided that I am a heathen whore that can go to hell. I have no other friends. No job, no one to sit while I find one. But I'm welcome to stay here. So here I am here, while Jessi chats in the other room with the ex she promised never to contact again. I still cook dinner and clean the house. I have moved into the room my boys share and I am sleeping on the floor. I was offered the couch, but I can't stand the thought that Shane will walk past me every morning and not say goodbye. I can't even look at him without crying. ( I know it sounds macho, but I don't cry. I haven't cried since my son died. I am acting like a fool and I'm scared it's going to land me out on the street. ) I can't decide if I'm furious with Jessi or if I should just not care. How do you live in a home with people you love and who you thought loved you and not love them anymore?

 

[IndieSolo]

I think you need to find a shelter. You have been psychologically abused by this guy!

He told you to move in, quit your job, so he can keep you powerless while he gets to fuck you and his other gf, then tells her she has to choose when she wants another bf (hello? Goose, gander, y'know), and then dumps you like garbage when she wants out. Call social services in your area and get out! Why let your boys stay with such a monster? Apologize to your family & ask for help. You are in an emergency situation.

 

[peabean]

I can't agree enough with nycindie, you need to get out! The whole thing smacks of abuse! Forcing you to quit your job so you are dependent on him? That is very controlling behavior.

Also, from what you are describing Jessi is not the one you should be mad at! Shane is the one who is controlling and manipulative.

Please, leave now. Go to your family and explain things. Even if they think you are a 'heathen' if you explain the situation in terms of the abusive aspects I believe they will listen. If nothing else, they will want to protect the children while you get on your feet.

 

[Marcus]

I can't agree enough with nycindie, you need to get out! The whole thing smacks of abuse! Forcing you to quit your job so you are dependent on him?

Abuse is a tricky word. It comes with the stigma of being associated with coercion or outright violence. The definition varies wildly which makes the word freaking useless the goal is to use a word with a lot of baggage to give validity to a claim. Calling this abuse just means that now she doesn't need to look at her part in the situation... which is counterproductive.

While this guy is clearly a jerk, there has been nothing even remotely coercive, deceptive, manipulative, or violent described. So, can we use a term that is more befitting the crime? Like peabean used "controlling", that would seem to be a great description of what has happened.

She quit her job because she agreed to do so.
She chose a lifestyle which has marginalized her (close-minded) family
She dated a guy who sounds like he doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself.

None of these things were inflicted upon her (unless I missed the part where there was coercive behavior). It's ok, everyone makes mistakes.

I'm with Cindie on the other part though. Get the HIZZELL out of there. It'll be tough because you've quit your job and your family are half-wits, but I sure hope it's not your plan to stick around there hoping this loser decides he'll endure your love again.

Don't be a doormat (I say in the kindest way possible).

 

[fjarilen]

Thank you for your answers. No, there was no coercion. I do not believe Shane is abusive. He is controlling, and rather self-centered. I am trying to find a decent job, at which point I will leave. I still have to have a roof for my kids (and diapers, and medicine) so I don't feel I can leave right now. I made this "bed" and I will have to deal with it for a while. I did talk to Jessi. Things are better there. We have found we can still be friends, at least while Shane's at work. I hold no illusions that Shane will come to his senses, he does not care for me. It doesn't make a difference now. I hope we can end up friends once the awkward goes away. I've heard a lot of poly "couples" say that they are still friends with there ex's. The whole experience has been very eye-opening for me. I am amazed that people can be so happy letting others be happy. Maybe someday it will be easier for me, but probably not until my kids are into, and out of, elementary school.