Am i out to my family now?

E

ElMango

Member
So, we weren't out as poly to my family. Thisnis not a problem in our dynamic. Im the only one really who is hurt by not being out.

I never particularly tried to hide it (I've never been a huge PDA in front of family person), and B was always invited to family dinners once he started to live with Z snd I.
My mom on sunday say Bs Facebook profile picture. It's us kissing.
She told me she saw it, I said ok.
She said that "it's of you and B."
I said "I know, Z knows." And we moved on, the csll ended with her saying "so we good?" And I said we were.

I saw my mom today, and when the conversation turned to Facebook all she said RE his profile picture was at first she was confused who it was because it was as a suggested friend (I don't have my parents on my Facebook, and we don't have mutual friends so....). And then the topic changed to her friend getting back with her first husband even though he cheated on her.
We talked about howbwe hate cheating and think it's dumb. She said she knew Z would never chest, and how I wouldn't either.

It's as if she hasn't seen it. Like she didn't address it anymore than that. I have no idea how to proceed from here. Is she in massive denial? Is shr basically DADT? Any advice?

Years ago when I asked her what she wouldnsay if I said I was poly she said she'd be disappointed in me. She's not a nurturing woman, and can be a narcissist.
 
Sounds to me like she was fishing...lol Of course you know her and I don't, but if she has narcissistic tendencies it's probably driving her crazy that she doesn't know exactly what is going on.
 
Maybe it just doesn't fit in her paradigm and she doesn't understand?

My mother legitimately doesn't understand the idea of dating someone if you aren't looking for a long term relationship/marriage. So to her mind, I've already got that checked off, so why would I be dating someone else unless I was looking to replace my spouse?

But we host all the events in our home, and I let her know that both my partners would be there. She was polite and didn't say a word even though I noticed she was uncomfortable when my boyfriend gave me affection. But it was okay and she'll get used to it. We're very different people and that doesn't help either.
 
Vicki82 said:
Maybe it just doesn't fit in her paradigm and she doesn't understand?

My mother legitimately doesn't understand the idea of dating someone if you aren't looking for a long term relationship/marriage. So to her mind, I've already got that checked off, so why would I be dating someone else unless I was looking to replace my spouse?

But we host all the events in our home, and I let her know that both my partners would be there. She was polite and didn't say a word even though I noticed she was uncomfortable when my boyfriend gave me affection. But it was okay and she'll get used to it. We're very different people and that doesn't help either.
Click to expand...

Good point. My mother never acted like Cat and I were in a serious relationship even though we were together for 21 years and referred to each other as husband and wife. She even always called our house Cat's house. All because we weren't legally married. I didn't even bother explaining the whole poly thing. One time I let it slip that I was out with Elle when she called. She assumed Cat and I broke up.
 
Hi El,

I think at this point the thing to do is remove any restrictions you may have had on yourself about shielding your mom from the realization that Z and B are both your partners. Just do like you would do if she knew, and if she really needs to know what's going on, she can ask.

I don't know how she defines cheating; I define it as, a relationship with a second partner carried out without the first partner's knowledge and/or consent. Since Z knows about B, and consents to that relationship, I believe it is not cheating. Don't know if that would help in some future talk with your mom.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
I would be more direct with your mom. It sounds like she was asking for an explanation and your explanation (“I know, Z knows”) wasn’t very forthcoming. From that, she is left to draw her own conclusions....are you essentially just cheating but without the secrecy? Have you coerced Z into accepting an affair? Are you and Z in the process of breaking up?

With what you have given her, she is going to think the worst. I would open up to her more — maybe even just say, “you seemed surprised when you saw that picture. Is there anything you want to know?”
 
I agree with MsEmotional that just a profile picture of a kiss isn't going to say much to someone without a background in polyamory.

I also think perhaps the second conversation is an offer to "forget" and continue the status quo - as you didn't tell her before, she can only assume you want to keep the secret for a reason, and she's willing to go with it. Perhaps she even prefers that, so that she doesn't have to get involved with discussing some kind of relationship dynamic she doesn't approve of.
 
El, what would you want her to know? You hadn't decided to come out to her, and you don't need to now just because of the FB thing. I think you handled it well. Unless you want to open up to her more (and given her narc tendencies, maybe you don't!) I'd just let things be how they are. You've said enough - that Z is aware of anything between you and B, and neither of you are into cheating.

The fact she didn't respond well to you discussing poly in the past would make me hesitant to share more unless I particularly wanted to be more intimate with her. Especially as you didn't intend to break it to her this way. She can always ask more questions if she wants to, and I'm sure she's good at doing that!

Re her being in denial / DADT, it's possible she couldn't tell the timing of the kiss based on the photo. It could be something from the past, who knows. She definitely doesn't have the full story, though, but if she wants it, she will no doubt bring it up again.

By the way, it's better to pick names (not just initials) for your SOs. It's in the forum guidelines, and it's good practice I think. It makes stories easier to follow, for one.
 
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