Am I polyamorous?

[bullahaloo]

Hello everyone! I just want to start out by saying hi, and thanks for having me. Also, I'm very new to this whole idea and honestly a little bit scared by it. I'm not even contemplating making any lifestyle changes at this point, just hoping to understand why I feel the way I do (and maybe how to talk to my husband about it).

I'm feeling a bit confused about what's typical human behavior vs. polyamory. Isn't it pretty typical for people to have romantic feelings for others while still loving their spouse? Isn't that what an emotional affair is?

I believe I've been in love with more than one person at once on my than one occasion. I say "I believe" because the word "love" can mean so many different things to different people at different points in time, and who knows? Maybe what I'm feeling is just a strong biological attraction? Needless to say, I'm pretty confused right now.

My husband and I have always said that we're open to being sexually involved with another female, and he said I can be sexually involved with another female without him as well as long as I tell him about it. I've never pursued this though because I don't enjoy sex unless there's an emotional connection, and I was worried about complicating my relationship with my SO. Also, while I find women more physically attractive than men in general, it's usually men that I'm emotionally/romantically attracted to.

I'm not willing to risk splitting my family up for anything, but at the same time I recently found myself so romantically attracted to another person (while still loving my husband) that I was seriously considering cheating. I feel strongly against doing this. Also, I feel he deserves to have a happy family and everything else he wants out of life. Obviously I'm a bit conflicted here, and I have no idea what to say to him about it. He knows something's been on my mind though. I can't decide if I should learn all about this and figure out how I feel/what I want before opening Pandora's box (at the risk of passing a point of no return and losing my marriage), or if I should keep in him the loop as I learn and discover what it I am and want.

I have a long history of leaving my relationships after about four years and then quickly entering another. I'm not sure monogamy can work for me, but I've also never been with anyone who treats me like a queen and is great with my children. I don't know how to do to this, and I'm afraid I won't be able to. Relationships have always been an area of great stress for me, and I'm not sure if introducing this whole idea is going to add complication where there doesn't need to be (maybe I just need to work on my marriage???) or if it's the answer. Perhaps I've been trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

Any input anyone has to offer is quite welcomed.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings bullahaloo,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Re:

"Isn't it pretty typical for people to have romantic feelings for others while still loving their spouse? Isn't that what an emotional affair is?"

I think that there, the difference between an affair and polyamory would be that in polyamory, one tells one's spouse about these feelings one is having for others, and the spouse consents to pursuing those feelings with those other people.

Everything we do in life is a gamble. If you choose not to risk mentioning poly to your husband, and just live monogamously, then you'll be running the risk of being unhappy with monogamy and maybe even resentful against your husband. In most cases I advise erring on the side of honesty. Admitting to your husband that you're struggling to decide what you want isn't the same thing as telling him that you've decided you want poly and you need him to go along with it.

I don't think you've made a decision about poly yet, so whatever you tell your husband, you should also start reading and posting on this site -- and, there's a couple of books you should read:

• "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino.
• "More than Two: a practical guide to ethical polyamory," by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert.

Get a thorough understanding of what poly is, so that you'll have a better idea if poly is what you want.

I hope we can help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[FallenAngelina]

Hi bullahalloo,

I was in a very similar situation and it helped me to take sex out of the discussion in my mind and focus on love. I know that I'd like to have sex with all sorts of people. What makes me identify with polyamory is that I love several people in a romantic way and I want to be free to explore that. Negotiating an open marriage often means that the partners are having sex with others with minimal emotional attachment. What makes a marriage polyamorous is that the married partners (or one of the married partners) has ongoing love relationships in addition to the married relationship.

How you proceed to discuss this with your husband (or not) is entirely up to you, but it sounds to me as though you're leaning in the polyamorous direction. You have romantic attachments with two people. Not everyone who has an emotional affair feels this way. Many people feel compelled to choose one or the other. Many people feel a huge wane of romantic attachment for their spouse while involved in the emotional affair. Someone who is poly will feel much more comfortable finding a way to include both (or more) partners in her heart.

What really helped me was to think about who I felt drawn to love more than who I felt drawn to have sex with.

~ Karen

 

[Middlegirl]

Hi there Bullahalloo

Hello, I'm glad you found this site.

I have to say I have met a lot of really amazing people here and also gotten some great advice. Relationships like this can be a lot lol...

I have talked to both Renee and Mark about how they ended up with a 23 year old college student living in their basement helping take care of their family and falling in love with their Wife and Mom. There were a lot of twists and turns in their relationship that got them here. If you ever want to chat or ask me questions I would be happy to help...

I can say this, because Renee and Mark tried becoming Poly (I'm not sure if that's the right way to phrase that) they have a happier marriage (lets be honest because of it they are still married) their lives are better and in turn the lives of their children are better because they not only stayed married but it made their marriage stronger.

oaky I'm rambling but I just had dinner with them and we talked about a lot of stuff..