Anarchy! (Um . . . Relationship Anarchy, that is.)


Yeah, I understand the usefulness of being able to define partners, but whenever I try to really dig into the question of "who is a partner?" I get stuck.

I have someone in my life that I have regular sex with and spend a ton of time with. It is a romantic and sexual relationship that I would be willing to consider changing into a cohabitation or a coparenting relationship at some point if it ever came up.

I have another person in my life that used to be sexual with me, although we aren't anymore at my request. They spend a night a week at my place, and the relationship is somewhat romantic, although the vast majority of what we do is help facilitate a community group together.

I have another person in my life that I have a huge emotional crush on, but only a little bit of interest in any sexual play. I have been their confidant and supported them through a lot of tough emotional stuff lately, but we haven't yet moved to spending the night together.

I have another person in my life that we used to talk every day online, but they live in a different state. We don't talk as much anymore, but when we do it is usually because we're going through intense states of personal growth and we like to support each other through those. This relationship has never been romantic or sexual on my end, but the intellectual chemistry is fucking amazing.

I have someone in another state that I have been romantic and sexual with, and that I hope to be romantic and sexual with again in the future, but they are going through a major identity crisis and I have backed out to a supportive friend role while they take the time to sort things out on their end. We generally have a weekly Skype date.

There is someone in my life I used to be romantic and sexual with, until they lost interest in both of those. I'm still deeply in love with them and deeply sexually attracted to them. We don't talk as much anymore, but they have held a special place in my heart for a very long time and I know that I would probably go to great lengths to rekindle that if I knew it was possible. Occasionally they and I go out on walks together and talk and catch up on life.

I also have casual sex with a lot of people I don't know very closely.

So who do I qualify as "partners?" Many people in my life impact me deeply. My level of depth and intensity with a given person may change and evolve over time. It may grow, or recede, or grow again, or recede again on one or both sides. I don't have a good answer to this question. If I did, I would be able to tell you who are my partners, and who aren't, and I would know where the neat dividing line is. The last letter of my Myers-Briggs type is a J. I'd LOVE to have a neat dividing line. Life hasn't given me one yet. If it does, I will use it, and I won't consider myself any less RA for it, because people will still be able to cross that line in any direction at their own and my discretion, as it works for the two of us in tandem and as boundaries are set.