Anti-poly resources

[Jcon]

I'll be brief. I'm currently in a mono relationship and I'm trying to broach the topic of poly with her. I'm not trying to convert her or anything, but just give her some sense of understanding. I'm being met with a fair amount of (what I view as) ignorance.

Now, I'm usually good at debating. However, I tend to be aggressive in my approach and when emotions get involved, I can lose my sense of tact. I don't want her to feel like her mono views are wrong, even though I pretty much think they are. I get some people are just wired for monogamy, but many more are also just conditioned. Distinguishing the two can be tricky.

That said, I want to point her to some poly resources, but in an effort to be unbiased, I want to point her to some resources that are also anti-poly. Something that can give a bit of an argument other than "It's just gross and wrong," because currently, those are her only real feelings about the subject.

 

[Marcus]

... "It's just gross and wrong," because currently those are her only real feelings about the subject.

Google is your friend. I'm not going to Google it for you, but I can suggest searching for "science of monogamy" or "rational support monogamy," etc. Use prefixes which guide the type of information that comes up in a search.

Note: this is true for any topic you want more information on.

 

[london]

Don't discuss it until you can appreciate that neither relationship style is superior or wrong. When you're at a point where you can understand that, maybe you'll be able to have a rational discussion.

 

[HisPet]

Interesting question. As a mono-slanting person who has been working for years to sort out what is conditioned in me and what might be my intrinsic relational preference, I might suggest a different way to go about it. How about just start where she is at? If I understand it correctly, her only real feelings about poly are that it's gross and wrong?

Based on that statement, my guess is that she is not as analytical as you are. Maybe you would want a theoretical framework for understanding and accepting a relationship style, but would that help her? Are you assuming that what you need is what she would need?

Is the debate about what you really want in your relationship? If you like that, online is better, not with the someone who might have been conditioned all her life to look for and snuggle into a one-and-only love. If that is the case, I would guess that her feelings need tending to first. If she is mono conditioned, she'll come up with all kinds of arguments against poly.

And really, you're not out to convert her? That doesn't feel true, based on the little info I have. London's advice was right on. For me it has been only through listening with my heart and then reinforced by years of reading that I can even begin to accept polyamory as a theoretically successful relationship style. I could write a lot of pages of why monoamory is better theoretically and practically, but I live with and love a man who is deeply committed to polyamory. I don't want to debate with him. I don't want to win an argument. (Well, sometimes I really do.) I want to create a safe place in which both our needs can be met.

I hope that you challenge yourself as deeply as you are about to challenge her. Here the mono partner is endlessly told to look at their insecurities, and so on. I would hope that the poly folks do that, too.

What is your level of participation and intimacy in your current relationship?
Is there something you're avoiding?
What is the condition of your spiritual, mental, physical and financial health?
What insecurities or immaturity are you addressing through pursuing other relationships?
Thrill seeking? At what cost?

Maybe you are awesome and you've already addressed these areas, but maybe they need attention first.

Good luck to you.

 

[Octopus]

I like this article: Why Monogamy isn't the Problem.

I think there is a lot to criticize about this article, but it does sort of fit your description, and maybe you'll get something out of it: Angry for a reason: Polyamory and Activism.

I'll be interested in any more articles too.

 

[opalescent]

*sigh* I find some radical feminists attitudes toward sex just maddening. (The second article Octopus kindly linked to is from that perspective.) And I am a fan of radical feminism in many ways. But the writings I see just seem incapable of incorporating pleasure into women's sexuality. They seem incapable of seeing women as sexual actors in an unequal society. Perfect equality is not necessary for awesome, consensual sex. Polyamory, unlike religious non-monogamy, is full of women who exercise full sexual agency. Yes, it's not perfect. But that's humanity.

Arggh! So frustrating to me.

 

[Hoyam]

Interesting topic! My husband and I just happened to become polyamorous, not by rational choice. It more or less happened. So my husband is like your partner: thinking about it all, but less positive than I. What I notice is that every subject I read online, for example, he reads differently, as if he reads with mono glasses, while I read with poly glasses. So how to come closer to each other is a challenge!

I hope to learn to have a good balance in challenging myself and challenging *converting* the other. I read useful reactions here.

I will read on this topic with you... Good luck.