Apologies to you guys and devastated over short-term relationship

[Atrueunicorn]

Hi,

I read the first few responses to my only query here and I was so embarrassed about confusing polyamory with open relationship that I didn't check back. But now I have, and I realize that I got so many wonderful and wise answers. Thank you, guys!

So for the record, my situation perhaps would qualify as polyamorous, because I was in love with two people, and in an open relationship where both men knew about each other. Sex was a big part of it (which is why some people suggested I was a swinger), but emotions were an even bigger part. I definitely felt very emotionally invested in the new person. I talked about it eventually with my primary partner, and it was more or less cool. We are still new at this.

I just broke up with the new person because of the back-and-forth, hot-and-cold thing. So now I'm going through a really, genuine, awful, awful post-break up period, where nothing feels good and I'm a hysterical mess. To the outside world, I'm a woman who has her shit together. But I'm hurting very badly. And even though the new relationship only lasted for a short time (and most of it was spent trying to figure out why he was distancing himself), I'm just broken. I don't feel like doing anything. This is not good for my primary relationship, either.

I just want to get over this, yet I check my email like an idiot, because that's the only point of contact I have with the other person, as I deleted his number, Facebook, etc. Ugh.

I also feel very embarrassed for having such a strong reaction to this. I know I shouldn't, but I do.

Any tips on getting over this? I would love some advice.

 

[opalescent]

Time.

Sorry, there really isn't anything different about poly breakups than any other breakup. They suck and hurt and are hard, but eventually, you realize you have actually moved on, and it's okay.

The only thing I can think of that is different is to check in with your remaining partner(s) about your breakup grief. Can they handle you moping about constantly? Do they want to hear about your pain? Not every partner is able or willing to be the supportive one when they lose a metamour. Of course, some will be happy to support and comfort you. But don't assume that and don't take it for granted. I think it is useful to 'spread the pain.' Don't process the breakup with just one person. Talk to your friends or family members, if you are close enough to. Grump about it here in a blog. I did that and it was very helpful.

Good luck. It will get better, promise.

 

[icesong]

Opalescent is right. I had a relationship end pretty recently. (I guess it's been a few months now.) Really, the only thing that's helped terribly much is time.

And yes, don't process constantly with your primary. I don't care how wonderful they are, they'll tire of it. (Yeah, I learned that the hard way.)

I think the lack of a societal model for poly breakups does make it harder, especially if you're not terribly open. I know I spent a lot of time in "Wait, I have an awesome husband. Why am I still heartbroken about losing my other partner?" mode, which I think made it harder.

 

[Atrueunicorn]

Thank you. This helps. I know time helps...

It's funny, we opened our relationship because things were so good and we both felt so stable, and here I am, feeling like I'm 17 again, and I hate it. Maybe I got too smug about always being in control, and this is the universe's way of showing me I am not.

I'm not talking about this too much with my primary partner, because I don't want to burden him with it, plus he can't fix me. He's been patient and supportive so far, and I'm really lucky.

Just wish the other person would move out of my head already. Okay, so it's only been a few days, although it's been 7 weeks of back-and-forth.

Anyway, thanks, you guys. Thanks for being patient with me. I'll stay on these forums for a while. Looks like I can learn a lot.

 

[sparklepop]

Welcome back, Atruenicorn.

Don't be embarrassed about any confused terminology. When I first posted here, I described my relationship as a triad and promptly got told it was a V. That is how I learnt that a V even existed.

It sounds like not only are you dealing with a broken heart, but also with the crash of disappointment that follows that first feeling of NRE. You had your hopes up, and you felt really lucky and fantastic. It's perfectly normal to feel the way you feel right now. Trust me, it will pass.

It's good that you deleted his number, etc. When I broke up with my secondary last year, I actually changed my email account, too. Sure, for a while, I'd log into the old one every day. But soon enough, I found myself not checking the old one every day; then a week would go by; and now I don't bother looking at all. You could also block him so that you are not waiting for an email. If he wants to find you on Facebook or wants to text you, he will.

There's nothing to be embarrassed about. Truly, heartbreak is heartbreak. It doesn't matter how long you were together.

The tips I'd give is to break whatever routine you were in when you used to talk to him. For me, this was moving my laptop to another position in the apartment (as we talked a lot online). Even redecorating a bit and changing your surroundings can help, if your home is a reminder. I do this after breakups. It draws a line under everything for me.

Do things that make you feel good. Force yourself to exercise or try out yoga for the meditation and endorphins. If you have friends around, go and hang out with them. Throw yourself into a class, learn a language, or something else. Have dates with your husband and enjoy the love there. Whether you talk to him much about your feelings or not, one of the wonderful parts of polyamory is knowing that you are still loved so deeply by someone. It can be a very lucky and stabilising feeling.

Breakups are very difficult. Allow yourself to feel what you feel. Don't rush it.

Watch some comedy on YouTube. Allow yourself to laugh, cry, or whatever else you need. All of it's okay.

Believe me, one day you'll wake up and realise that you haven't actually thought about him in a week. Also remember that every breakup puts us on the right path to what we actually need, because we're not wasting energy on a pointless relationship. Keep your chin up! It's okay.