Asking input

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Does anyone find it HARDER if someone you’re dating gives you input or a choice in their dating of others or starting a relationship with others than if they don’t?

I have a specific trauma based reason why this might be so for me— but am wondering if it is a thing in general for others.

I think I don’t like the illusion of control because it also gives the illusion of responsibility.

The flip side of this question is for those of you who ask consent of a partner to do something— what do you or your partner get out of this?
 
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I'm not cool with the idea of asking my partner's permission to date people. Either we've agreed to open the relationship (if it was closed, ours never was), or we haven't. That's something we need to decide together.

But once we've made that decision, I have control over who I date. If my partner really detests someone, I'd be happy to listen to his reasons and see if I'm missing something with my rose coloured glasses. But the final decision is mine, just like in the reverse situation it's his. My partner and I have a 24/7 FLR and even in our case, I don't have authority over his relationships. They don't involve me, so I don't make the decision for him.

I would think if someone feels the need for that kind of control, that they might want to work that out in counselling before opening the relationship. What happens down the line if they decide they're no longer okay with an existing relationship? That kind of human collateral damage really doesn't feel ethical.
 
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I don't want the control to say who they will and won't date! If my opinion is asked I'll give it; but unless there was a real reason I can't see saying "don't date person X"

Even when a date of Z's came over (their 3rd date) and blatantly mocked me to Z, and I overheard; I didn't say "Don't date her" I said "I don't like her because of that was really uncalled for I don't want to be home if you have her over"

He had already decided not to see someone who was toxic without my input which made it easy.
 
Honestly, if I'm dating someone, I don't find it hard in the first place for them to be dating someone else. So there is no "hard" to compare with if they give me input or a choice. That said, I think I would find it equally easy and just say, "That's easy; the answer is that I'm okay with you dating that person." If something about the other person troubled me (unlikely but conceivable), I would say so, and explain my concerns, but I wouldn't try to tell them they couldn't date that person. Ultimately I am okay with it if it's something they want to do, so I would say, "Yes. Go ahead and date them."
 
I definitely find it uncomfortable to be asked things by a partner when it comes to their dating life as if they need my permission. My NP, who tends to lean more hierarchical than me, checks in often when it comes to him dating someone, and he will often phrase things in a way that tend to sound to me more permission seeking when I'm not so sure he really means it that way. And yet, I also know that if I expressed a serious problem with his plans, he would likely not do the thing. For these reasons, I always try to very much make a point to respond in ways that clearly indicate "you should do what you want to do/makes you happy." I regularly express my support, and even if it's something I'm not thrilled with, I try to make a point to note that these are his choices and his priorities and I don't have to love every choice he makes. Of course, if I really am that unhappy with some decisions that he's making, I'm willing to express myself, but knowing how much he tends to want to please me, I'm SUPER careful about language and stating that I'm NOT asking him to prioritize me, or whatever else. Usually if I'm expressing an issue with something it's because I'm seeing a double standard, or I feel like he's not paying attention to something. So I try VERY hard to not make it about a meta because I absolutely do NOT want that power of hierarchy and to be making my partner's decisions about his other relationships. So it can definitely be a very delicate balance with language.

Sometimes the easiest thing for me to do is clearly just not give an answer and say "that's your decision to make. Do what makes you happy."
 
I agree that would give me at least the illusion of responsibility. I would not want that responsibility. The only way I can picture it working for me is in some sort of BDSM scenario. However, it seems that would involve other parties without their consent.
 
The people I have relationships are fully autonomous adults, they don't need me to be their daddy.

I don't have any say over what they do with their time, energy, bodies, or emotional bandwidth, and they don't have any say over mine.
 
I am coming into poly because of my GF. I am open to learning how it all works and am trying to be supportive. However, while she and I HAVE discussed her new BF, it wasn't to give my "approval". It was because this is the first relationship she has been in since we've been together and she wanted to make sure I would be ok with it all. (I'm a former swinger but this poly stuff is new) But going forward, while I'd like her to check in ad keep me informed (and I'd do the same should I meet someone), I want us both to trust each other and have faith that we'd choose to be with people we would both approve of. We are both adults and I don't want either of us to hold that kind of "power" over the other.
 
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