At my wits end?

[SearchingforMyself]

A bit of back story - as the signature says, I've been in a relationship with JP for about 2 years now. For these two years, I haven't met anyone that I was interested in dating. As a result, I've spent quite a bit of my time with JP, and by extension with J as well. We've had a few communication and other issues, but what relationship doesn't? Cut to a couple of months or so ago when I got in touch with an ex from my college days. Once again, M and I instantly clicked - this time as adults who have learned a lot during the intervening years. With 600 miles between us, we decided that we wanted to keep communicating and "date" long distance. JP was not thrilled with this, but J was in full support. Two months later - M and JP have done nothing but butt heads, I've felt like a toy being fought over by two children, and I'm at my wit's end as to how to handle my end of the situation now that M has moved.

I'm doing my best to not try to be a mediator - but lately I've been feeling damned if I do and damned if I don't. I'm adjusting to living with M and have been making sure to keep my regular date nights with JP. JP has been trying to claim my time by planning future trips - but if I add something to my Google calendar with M, then JP seems to get upset. If want to go to a discussion/support group for partners of transmen (M is trans - he is actually my ex-girlfriend) then JP seems to take that as a "date night" with M. I've never dated someone who is trans before - of course I want to educate myself so I can be the best partner to M that I can. I can't seem to get JP to understand that my time is not, and can't be, split 50/50 between him and M. I work full-time and have several chronic illnesses that are not currently under control. I lost it last Friday and told JP that I was down, in pain and just wanted to be left alone. He texted after 4 hours asking if I still wanted to be left alone. I told him I wasn't up to dinner with J's parents - that I couldn't deal with people. He showed up at my house - claiming that I hadn't cancelled our date night. I don't know what to say or do anymore.

 

[bookbug]

So it sounds like JP had you to himself for a long time and now does not know how to share. (I realize you say M and JP butt heads, however from what you have written, it appears that JP is the one who is behaving like a jealous brat.)

Are you seeing JP less than you did before M? Is it that he needs to adjust to spending less time with you?

Is he not able to understand congruity? He has a live-in partner; would he deny you the same?

Have you asked him what the issue is about the calendar? It seems like a fantastic way to let everyone know what is going on.

It sounds like you need to have a heart to heart with JP about what he feels and why in order to see how to deal with it.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

Here's some ideas --

If you are damned if you do and damned if you don't? Could go with the least work for you. You cannot do his emotional management for him. Encourage, but not do for him.

"Busy" on the shared calendar. No details as to what, since reading the details at this time is triggering his comparison/competition jealousy.

Could read this and have him circle what he needs from you on page 6. Do them. Leave him to do his page 5's himself. You cannot do those for him. He has to.

Is he processing envy? That M gets to live with you and he does not because he's married living elsewhere? He wishes he had what M has, even though circumstances do not allow that right now? Could talk about that.

Could invite him to the trans meeting. Does he need to demystify this? Is that what is wigging him out?

I lost it last Friday and told JP that I was down, in pain and just wanted to be left alone. He texted after 4 hours asking if I still wanted to be left alone. I told him I wasn't up to dinner with J's parents - that I couldn't deal with people. He showed up at my house - claiming that I hadn't cancelled our date night. I don't know what to say or do anymore.

I do not read you meeting your own need for rest when ill like -- "I turned off the phone. Too tired to deal with anything but illness right now." Why are you answering?

I do not read you reconfirming and saying "I told him I still want to be alone. Date not happening tonight. So I want to cancel the date night and reschedule... but organize that later tomorrow morning. Feel too gross now."

I read "I am not up to dinner with his parents."

Him (showing up at your house to be with you) IS NOT (going to dinner with his parents.) He met that (no parent dinner) want.

Him showing up at your house sounds to me like him trying to meet a connection need of his. You did not give him a specific time to get with him so he could know when you ARE going to get around to him. Not getting the data he needs via phone, so he's here trying to get it met in person.

A possible communication gaffe maybe? From lack of clear need articulation on both sides?

He tried to give you space but checked back in. Sounds to me like he had a connection need. But doesn't articulate the need HE has well when he checks back in like "I know you want to be alone and canceled for tonight but could you be willing to give me 5 quick minutes so we can set a new date? Or set a time to do that? Then I can feel better waiting to reconnect with you knowing that time is actually set aside and not just up in the air."

Could circling help him better articulate? Ditto you. Speak the needs more clear cut.

And have both your partners repeat it back to you so you know they got it like you meant it when you talk to each of them. It is a good practice -- not just in this situation with J.

Because if they have some loud need of their own inside, you might have to speak up over the volume of that internal noise to penetrate. Getting them to say it back helps you know if it went IN or not. Help to minimize your own hinge burn out risk by communicating well the first time around.

Galagirl