Becoming extremely frustrated

[Marcus]

I know I mentioned the overnights, and while I would like more they really aren't as big of an issue. The only reason they are is because it would be more quality time. If we could get a good 6-7 hours in a row in once every week or two that would be fine with me.

Both of you have kids and she has at least one other relationship. I think your desired level of quality time is more than a little ambitious, certainly considering the fact that she's not going to give you what you want. She may very well wish she had more hours in the day to spend with you but that's not in her control.

We were both supposed to have another primary partner and be each other secondary. Well things didn't work out that way on my end so she has turned into two people's primary.

That may be the case from your perspective but it's pretty clear she still has one primary (her husband) and a secondary (you).

Keeping that addition to the conversation in mind I think it's your expectations which need to be adjusted. Your expectations are out of sync with the reality of your situation.

 

[bodees]

You are reading it wrong. I didn't say she has two primaries first of all. I said she has become two peoples primary. There is a difference. I acknowledged being a secondary. However, she claims I am not and that I am just as important to her as her husband is. And you don't know what her schedule is to say that my level is too ambitious. There is time we could be spending together and we aren't. And I wonder if people had experience where they waited things out and things did get better in time. With children getting older and things like that. I don't think my expectations are ridiculous. Asking for an extended day together every couple of weeks in a relationship doesn't seem like it's asking too much. I'm not asking for a couple of nights a week or tons of sleepovers. I'm asking for what we have with maybe every other week having at least 6-8 hours together so we aren't looking at the clock every 20 minutes because time is almost up.

 

[WhatToDo]

What you're asking for isn't excessive but if you've asked for it and aren't getting it I think you need to adjust your expectations or think about moving on.

I went into my current relationship similarly to yours. We were each expecting to be each other's secondary but when I found myself without my primary she was suddenly in the position of being primary for two guys. She has embraced it even though it is a lot of work for her.

Waiting who knows how long for children to grow up while you sit at home lonely and frustrated would be a deal breaker for me.

 

[Marcus]

And you don't know what her schedule is to say that my level is too ambitious. There is time we could be spending together and we aren't.

You are correct, I don't know the details of her life; I'm a stranger on the internet offering my perspective based on what you've said thus far.

I said your expectation is ambitious. Considering the fact that you've already asked for more time with her and your requests have been denied... I'm not really sure how the expectation could be considered in sync with reality.

Asking for an extended day together every couple of weeks in a relationship doesn't seem like it's asking too much.

I would agree, however, she's the one you are asking and thus far she has not been inclined to give you what you've requested. That being the case, we come back to comparing your expectation to the reality of your situation.

 

[bookbug]

However, she claims I am not and that I am just as important to her as her husband is.

You may be as important to her on an emotional level, however the degree of entanglement with her husband - kids, finances, shared housing - makes the day to responsibilities a consumer of time.

There is time we could be spending together and we aren't. And I wonder if people had experience where they waited things out and things did get better in time.

Okay, so there are times when you view her as being available, but she is not spending these times with you. Have you asked her why? What is preventing her?

As to whether or not things will get better as the children mature, I suppose it depends on the reason she is not taking advantage of the time you think she could be spending with you now.