Being Alone.

A

azorkanesbrat

New member
Knowing I'm going to get a lot of answers like "get a hobby" "hang out with friends" etc...

I'm still going to ask the question.

When your live-in partner is staying the night at his other partner's house, how do you cope?

Background:

My husband died just over 2 years ago.
Even when my husband was a alive - I did not like sleeping alone.
It is primarily that I do not like waking up alone.
I panick when I wake up alone - even if I know he's not going to be there.

So he's staying at Amber's place tonight.
I've managed to keep busy so far, but the kids are all in bed now and I'm awake and struggling to keep the demons at bay.

I have to go to bed alone.
I have to wake up alone.

It's NOT that he's with her - that doesn't bother me. It's that I'm ALONE.

I don't want another partner - Azorkane and Amber are perfect for my life.

BUt I need some practical ways of coping once the kids are in bed and I'm *alone*

Anyone?
 
Your internet is most likely better than mine.
Free to play MMORPGs are quite the addiction.
Be careful with that though, you may find yourself up at all hours of the night and into the day.
 
I sympathise, I hate being alone at night. My hubby has never had another partner but he has worked away from home a lot this year and I have had to get used to him being away 6 nights out of 9. I always used to have insomnia whenever he wasn't there and feel desperately lonely and afraid.
This year I've learned to be ok, I started to use the evenings he wasn't there to have lovely long Skype conversations with people far away, play computer games until the early hours and then collapse into bed, take my iPad to bed and watch tv shows/read books/browse Facebook or forums before I fall asleep and then as soon as I wake up I distract myself with it again.

I make sure to give myself time to deal with the emotions it brings up during the day when I'm stronger but at night distraction is key for me.
 
There was a Poly Weekly podcast on this topic not long ago... I thought it was mostly good, but there were a couple parts that made me go, "Hmmmm," so I wrote something about it here:

http://frombaltictoboardwalk.blogspot.com/2014/08/review-polyweekly-podcast-398-poly-mono.html

I figured I'd point you to the post, rather than summarize it all here. It has the link to the podcast too, if you're interested.

In my own case, I usually spend so much time with Chops when he's here, that all the neglected housework needs to get done when he's not. My choice, my annoyance, but it's also pretty much my routine at this point. Other things I do: write (a HUGE "where did the time go?" for me), read, put together playlists for my Spinning classes (although not so much lately), or hang with the kids when they're here. I don't get squirrely about making plans with friends, since I have time to do so without taking it away from anyone. And sometimes, I'm sick of doing stuff and I just do nothing. :)

Edited to add: I've never had problems sleeping alone, so I'm lucky in that regard. However, when Chops isn't home, the cats are opportunistic critters and I'll find them both in bed with me at night. I'm thinking it's less love and more convenience in waking me up to feed them in the morning. :p
 
Last edited:
Even before we decided to open our marriage, I was terrible at being alone. My husband sometimes travels for business for weeks at a time, and while he is gone, I fall apart. It's ridiculous because when he is home, I am quite the extrovert and out and about, so many days I don't connect with him much before bedtime. But I will spend the days he is gone, mooning about the house in a horribly sad state. I had things planned that needed to be done, I just couldn't seem to motivate myself to do them.

Before I was poly, I would crack out on Netflix and watch an entire series of a show - 24, Prison Break, Lost, etc.

Going into poly, one of things I most wanted was to have someone around so I wouldn't be alone when hubby was away. My ex promised this and then didn't see me any of the days or nights. So not only was I in my usual funk because my husband was gone, but I was stressed and hurt because my boyfriend had failed to back up what he had promised.

Thank goodness I found PunkRockAwesomesauce, my boyfriend now. He has been there 100% and follows through with what he promises. The last time my husband was gone, he had activities planned and he held me every single night - when sleeping and when waking. Yeah, awesomesauce!

So my recommendation is to find another partner who is just for you. If you are really not wanting that, Netflix at least got me through the hard times. My hubby also bought me a ginormous stuffed penguin to hug - when it's in bed, under the covers, it's almost like the body of a person. It helped a little. Bonus - it didn't snore.
 
Bud hasn't spent a night at Sweet Lady's but I have spent nights away from him because of my job. I do a 24 hour on-call shift once a week that sometimes means being away from home the full 24 hours if I get called out. I have the worst time sleeping alone, so does Bud. Since Sweet Lady came into our lives it's gotten easier for both of us. I talked to her; asked her if she could make sure one of her nights at our house was when I couldn't be here so I wouldn't worry about him being alone unable to sleep. I still don't really sleep but at least I'm not anxious about being away from home anymore. I'm able to relax knowing he's ok. As for myself, I read a book, draw, watch netflix, journal, anything I can to keep my mind occupied.
 
Murf & Butch pooled resources to get me my Rottweiler puppy to keep me company when they have to work. Both my guys work night shift.

I also have 2 other dogs, a cat and 2 guinea pigs who keep me busy the night's I am alone.
 
One is never alone when one has pets. Both Tiny Cat and Tiny Dog sleep with me. I find it immensely comforting.

I actually prefer to sleep alone, in terms of human company. It takes me a long time to get used to having someone else in the bed with me and my sleep gets all disrupted.
 
Yeah, we have a cat, but when my guys aren't around, he makes himself just as scarce. He's a jerkface. :)
 
I don't spend nights with S2; my agreements with Hubby prohibit it. (At least so far; Hubby says that's a fairly firm limit for him, but he did promise to mull it over.) I've spent nights at Guy's hotel during my visits to him in April and August, and my understanding is that while I was gone, Hubby did the same thing he usually does. Sat at his computer watching YouTube or playing games. The only difference was he missed me.

Since Hubby's mono, I don't have him spending the night with other partners, but this summer he's been gone overnight on work days because his computer at home keeps crashing, so he's been staying at the office to use the computer there for gaming. (His dad owns the place, so Hubby can be there whenever he wants.) It's hard for me to be alone at night, and especially alone in bed; it took me a long time to be able to sleep with Hubby in the same bed when we first got together, but now, I have trouble sleeping when he *isn't* there.

It is what it is, though. Every summer, he works second shift, meaning he goes in at 1 or 2 p.m. and works until at least 10 p.m. Sometimes later, especially if it's a busy night. And because I have fibromyalgia, I tend to go to bed very early. Plus last year, after the summer hours switched over to the winter 9-5, Hubby took on a second job at night, so he was gone until midnight or 1 a.m. I don't *like* being alone, but I'm used to it.

I don't really have coping advice. For me, it sucks, but there's no way to change it, so I deal. I watch TV. Talk to the cats if my kids aren't home. And sometimes go to bed an hour or two earlier than I would otherwise, because once I fall asleep, it doesn't matter if he isn't here because I know he will be when I wake up.
 
I've been living and sleeping alone on and off since I was widowed 4 years ago. And it will be some time yet before the Philosopher and I will be ready to share a residence. I have dealt with the issue in two ways:

First off three cats. One or more usually sleeps with me. Is that same as sleeping with a human? No. But it is far different than sleeping alone. They can be quite snuggly, and that is surprisingly comforting. Secondly, I have invited a former room-mate to live with me again. It's nice to not have an empty house.

I realize the second part won't be of help to you, unless as the others have suggested you are able to find someone to spend those nights with. However, you really might consider a furry friend for company.
 
Last edited:
I already told ya in pm, I don't know.

But-I wonder if anyone who has to work a full time job has any suggestions for actions that manage the emotions that crop up.

Because one of the things that occurred to me reading this thread is that a lot of the suggestions pertain to distraction behaviors that would mean not sleeping-which in turn is going to mean-unsafe driver on your way to work. :/ That's not functional.

Also the panic attacks-which I know have been a MAJOR issue since your husband died (and understandably so in light of the traumatic circumstances).

My understanding is that you are wanting advice on how to be able to go to sleep, not ways to distract yourself awake... Because during waking hours you have what 5 kids there to distract you? I think there is a dog too as I recall.
And I know you are really good at reaching out for support via the internet.

But none of those things actually helps RESOLVE the emotional spin of your brain that keeps you from going to sleep...
 
A meditative practice or some kind of therapy might be helpful in light of the panic attacks.

I do agree that just distraction behaviors aren't going to help you to heal or move through the problem.

Have you considered journaling or anything like that?
 
Thanks for all the comments.

I have 5 kids ranging from 8 - 14. 1 is diagnosed special needs, 1 is suspected and 1 has a learning disability.

I have a dog I'm training.

I have hobbies.

I have some friends (although not a lot of them come over to visit)

My anxieties run through me regardless of what I'm doing. It's rare that I can have a night "alone" without them.

I think what I'll do as a temporary measure, whether he's working or at her house, see how it works, is put the kids to bed then do yoga. Good for the mind, good for the body, good for the soul.
 
The panic attacks are upsetting and I wonder if something as simple as him calling to tell you good night. Sometimes just hearing the voice would help.

I am in a new relationship but I am a secondary. He is with his wife at night. I like having a text or phone call or online chat but am okay sleeping alone. Excited though because our first overnight visit is coming in two weeks.

I am also a widow. I lost my hubby 7 years ago and sleeping alone took a long long time to get past. Just missing that side of the bed being occupied. Not having someone to snuggle up to. It was rough. I am used to it now though it took years and I actually sleep downstairs on the couch occasionally because it is more comfortable. Maybe it's because it is NOT the bed. That maybe something to try. Change the area and make it your spot, not a spot you are used to being in with him.
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top