Being pulled in two directions..

[Dagferi]

I am the hinge in a MFM vee. I have been married to D for 11 years, and have 3 kids. He is the one who pushed me towards poly. He is mono. But we are best friends and he pointed out how all my past relationships went and that he knew I was miserable. I am sure he gave me my freedom a bit for selfish reasons himself. Figuring if I am very happy then I would be open to participating in some BDSM with him. I don't enjoy BDSM too be honest, and despite stating that over and over again D doesn't get it.

After dating a few men I meet M. I know all new relationships carry NER. This one is a bit different for me. We kind of just fell into step with one another. M's work schedule sucks. He works 6p-6am with rotating days off and alternating weekends off. So sometimes our time together is limited due to our worked schedules. I am falling for him and he is falling for me.

This past weekend was a weekend M and I would spend together. (I stay at his house) Friday night he wanted to play poker with his friends. I pushed him to go. He would have skipped it... I went out with friends to a concert instead. Saturday I go to his house and we head out to a local motorcycle cruise and car show. Sunday we took his muscle car to a car show for the day, went to a bbq at a friends house, saw other friends, and we went back to his house. I made dinner and we settled in on the couch. Around 9 pm. I got up to get my stuff together to go home. M asked me where I was going. I said home. He got upset. He wanted me to stay til Monday.

We had kind of discussed it on Friday. He had said it was up to me. I now know that if M asks for something then that is what he wants. Too be honest I really really wanted to stay with M. It hurt to leave him.

But my husband D has been feeling jealous lately. He kind of said to be home Sunday. I pushed it as late as I could. He stated that he never gets me to himself. We have 3 kids, dogs, and etc. But then again he prefers to lose himself in World of Warcraft in the evening. He doesn't want to go out.

There are other issues... The biggest is he doesn't listen to me. He will seem to get it for a bit then pushes again for what I am not comfortable with. BDSM. He knew from the time we dated that I am not into BDSM and if that was something he needed in life then I was not the woman for him. He made the choice to move forward with me. Well apparently he can't.. I hate to say it is slowly pushing me away. I have suggested he look for like minded friends on fetlife. He wants me to find him someone. Ummm no. I am not comfortable finding him a partner. He can do that for himself.

I hate being torn. I do love D... I can tell him anything and know he will get over it. And I can understand his jealousy. I just hate it when he tells me go see what can be between M and I. Then throw a temper tantrum like a 3 yo. Especially when he gets a lion share of my time.

I guess my question is would I be wrong to put my foot down and say I only get to see M every other weekend perhaps one day mid week for a few hours before I head into work and I will decide when I come home?

 

[CielDuMatin]

I am quite familiar with the dynamic of being the hinge in a V and feeling pulled in two directions - the solution is rather easy....

Putting down a framework like that might well work, in that it gives each some expectation, and takes you off the responsibility of guessing what they each need.

I suggest that the three of you sit down and has it all out, too, rather than you being the go-between in this.

That is the key - if the three of you are in this, then the three of you need to sit down and talk things through, and put stuff in place that you all can live by. Any changes need to be discussed with the three of you. Take yourself out of the middle, and you won't feel pulled any more.

Regarding the BDSM stuff, he needs to respect your wishes. His choice is then to either not do it, or find someone that he can share that with. I agree that it's not your job to be his pimp, just because you don't want to give him what he desires.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm with CielDuMatin.

I'd suggest giving your DH "The New Topping Book" and the "New Bottoming Book" then because his ethics sound screwy in his marriage. I don't see how he'd hope to have a good BDSM play partner rship if he can't even manage his ethics in a non-BDSM rship.


And if he hopes to top? Dude. A top that won't respect the limits of a bottom? SCARY.

Because it is crystal clear on rights and responsibilites for BDSM. And the same ethics translate right to non-BDSM rship just as well -- everyone hold up your ends of the sticks! Define and negotiate what the specific details entail in your particular config. Fine. But ethics are ethics.

RIGHTS

1) I have the right to clear communication (If he thought giving you license to poly was automatically gonna lead to the license to BSDM with you, he thought wrong, and he was not clear in his communication. He cannot get all pouty with "You get what you want! Wah! Why don't I get what I want! You meanie!)

2) I have the right to expect support from my partner
3) I have the right to be nutured
4) I have the right to get needs met
5) I have the right to responsiveness
6) I have the right to constructive feedback


RESPONSIBILITIES

1) I am responsible for knowing and stating my needs, wants, and limits to my partner

(You have stated this clearly -- you not into BDSM scene. He is not respecting your limit. You have offered other solution like he find himself play partner at fetlife so his BDSM need/want is met. This is reasonable suggestion. He respond with you getting him his partners? They are not TOYS. They are people. And you are not his pimp. He lazy in all his rship management buckets or something? )

2) I am responsible for my own and my partner's physical safety
3) I am responsible for my and my partner's emotional safety
4) I am responsible for following through on my promises
5) I am responsible for emergency preparedness
6) I am responsible for caring for my equipment/stuff

M asked me where I was going. I said home. He got upset. He wanted me to stay til Monday.
But my husband D has been feeling jealous lately. He kind of said to be home Sunday.

This stuff is basic time management stuff. Three of you sit together and negotiate the fair enough calendar so everyone has time with you. The fair happy medium. Happy super stupendous would be awesome, but we can all live with happy medium -- so let's find what that is over the summer semseter and and then regroup to hammer the new thing for fall term (Since you have kids I assume you operate, as I do, on "school time.")

I guess my question is would I be wrong to put my foot down and say I only get to see M every other weekend perhaps one day mid week for a few hours before I head into work and I will decide when I come home?

Nope. Not wrong. From where I sit you are trying to keep up your rights and responsibilites to D. and to M and address time management problem fairly. You are responsible for knowing and stating your needs, wants, and limits to your partner(s).

He is the one who pushed me towards poly. He is mono. But we are best friends and he pointed out how all my past relationships went and that he knew I was miserable. I am sure he gave me my freedom a bit for selfish reasons himself.

You sound like you were aware there was some kinda string coming. So what about the string problem? When are you guys dealing with that?

D is NOT holding up his rights and responsibilities by pushing you on a hard limit, not listening, etc.
To me it sounds like he's playing Mr Passive Aggressive because he probably thought tit for tat (you get poly ergo I get bdsm) without actually articulating that is the real contract being offered here.

Not just "oh, you open to poly because I want you happy, no strings, honey."

It had a string. Is he going to own the string and let it go? Is he going to hold up his rights and responsibilities sticks and play fair?

HTH!
GG

 

[km34]

Do you and D go on regular date nights? If not, start. If one of his complaints is that he "never gets you to himself" then it's time to change that. Sure, he may get to see you more, but does your relationship with him get as much one-on-one personal attention as your relationship with M? If not, that is something that really needs to change. Having kids together makes it difficult since a babysitter is another person you have to schedule with, but it really needs to be done.

D also really does need to work on respecting you in general. Trying to force you to do BDSM-related stuff is NOT okay, and he needs to learn that. Any foray into the BDSM community should make that clear to him, so encouraging him to read up on the subject or find an online community via fetlife or a forum could help.

M also needs to realize that you do have kids at home, and staying away from them for an entire weekend may not always be an option. I know if I was a mono person home alone taking care of the house and kids, I would be frustrated, so I wouldn't place all of the blame on D for this one. Scheduling may suck, but you don't just have to keep your relationship with D and M healthy, you have to worry about your 3 kids and make sure they aren't negatively affected by the crazy schedule.

 

[CielDuMatin]

There are some typical adages about poly - love may be unlimited but time and money aren't. This means tat you end up negotiating time with each partner.

However, it's not just the quantity that is important, it's the quality. If I spend 2 hours a week with one partner, going out and doing fun things, sitting in cafes and restaurants, etc, and 50 hours with my other partner, doing chores around the house, looking after the kids, and sleeping - who has got the better deal? If it's just quantity of time that you look at, then it's the second partner, but then you get surprised when they say that you never have any time for them!

Having a "date night" with your "main" partner, where everyone knows about it, you get a babysitter if you have kids, and you agree with your other partner only to contact you in an absolute, can not wait emergency, then things may get a little easier.