Boyfriend asked if I am only after sex, how to validate him?

[Norwegianpoly]

Hi, again.

Now I've talked to my BF. The plan was to break it easy and gently. When we got on Skype it was late and I had been crying in the shower. I felt so bad because I realized more and more the two things main bothering me; that I still have grief and anger over my ex (during the break-up I felt very cold, maybe the feelings are starting to come) and that I fear that I will lose my BF. The question might have been a trigger, but the grief and the fear were there in me to begin with. I felt so vulnerable from realizing this, and wondered if he would be able to care for me when I was not his "fun" girlfriend.

My boyfriend noticed right away that something was wrong, because I was very quiet and not smiling. I always greet him with a smile. When I brought up the question from the day before, he was surprised that I was still thinking about it. I definetely don't think me meant to suggest that anything was wrong with me sexually. That was just my past talking.

I made it clear to him that he had not been wrong in asking me the question. I explained that I had had a reaction to it, having to do with my ex and also my fear of losing him. He said that I should never be afraid to lose him. When we started talking further, I understood that what he had meant to say was that he was searching for something special in our joint past, what it was that made me stand out from the people he slept with or was dating; why I chose him and why he felt he was choosing me.

What I told him was simply that I care for him. He then said it was something in my eyes; that the way I looked into his eyes was something he had not experienced before, and that I also I know/see/get him. I felt very moved by this.

We ended up remembering past times, and I felt really close to him. He is still a little offended when I am sad. He quickly feels that I "break his heart" (yes, he is a little drama queen too!) if I criticize him the slightest or if the mood is bad. But I take it as that he -wisely- does not want us to quarrel over petty things, and that he cares as to want me to feel happy (and not just show a happy face to please him). I felt warm from all his compliments and big words I have been dying to hear Right now I don't mind that there is no sex. I feel I must heal a bit on my own from my ex-hang-ups.

Anyway, he is closing up things with his relatives, so he is really busy. Maybe when he goes back to where he lives, I can bring up the subject of sex and flirting, if it still seems to be a problem.

Anyway, I am so glad for all your helpful comments here.

 

[bookbug]

Don't take it personally, since you know why he's asking. It's reasonable for him to wonder, I think. Don't turn his insecurity into yours, that's kind of selfish.

Edit: I wanted to clarify, it sounds like you're insulted that he is scared and insecure.

I suspect she is insulted that he could think so little of her character.

 

[Norwegianpoly]

I suspect she is insulted that he could think so little of her character.

Yes, that is what I meant. Especially since we have talked many times of how smitten we are with each other, that we love each other and feel blessed to have met. I would be deceitful if I talked to him like that and really wanted him purely for sex.

 

[Spock]

Yes, that is what I meant. Especially since we have talked many times of how smitten we are with each other, that we love each other and feel blessed to have met, I would deceitful if I talked to him like that and really wanted him purely for sex.

I think you've missed my point several times over now.

Maybe I can put it this way.

Imagine him writing on this board.

We have talked many times of how smitten we are with each other, that we love each other and feel blessed to have met. How could she have such a low opinion of me that I think she is being deceitful?

I mean, seriously, why do you have such a low opinion of him? I thought you loved each other?

 

[Norwegianpoly]

I think you've missed my point several times over now.

Maybe I can put it this way.

Imagine him writing on this board.

We have talked many times of how smitten we are with each other, that we love each other and feel blessed to have met. How could she have such a low opinion of me that I think she is being deceitful?

I mean, seriously, why do you have such a low opinion of him? I thought you loved each other?

I was qouting bookbug, NOT you - and I generally don't have a low opinion of him, I think he is a wonderful man. I reacted to his direct question because I got offended and felt hurt and helpless, so that I did not see that he was mostly fishing and testing waters, not pointing fingers at me. He - like my husband - is a guy to talks out loud in order to know what he is thinking, not like me who think it all through in my head first and only then speaks. Therefore I have to talk with him several times about the same subject to understand what he really means, but in the heat of the moment I sometimes forget that. I think actually it was a good thing that I got so hurt by it, because he worried and comforted me when I needed it. And now I know he did not try to offend me. Two good things.

 

[Spock]

I'm glad it worked out.

 

[Norwegianpoly]

I'm glad it worked out.

Thank you

 

[Norwegianpoly]

I think this whole thing made me realize I was holding back a bit sexually-wise, not knowing how to go from oh-so-spontanious-first-lovers to more mature/settled sexual couple and feeling a bit vunerable. But hey, now we have talked about politics, religion, his dead dad - and our sexlife. I hardly think there is any uncovered subject

 

[Spock]

There's always anthropomorphic global climate change!

 

[Norwegianpoly]

There's always anthropomorphic global climate change!

true. We have not covered that (and children, and if we are going to close the distance).

Apparently, we too have not covered all of his doubt and ambivalence. Come what may

 

[Norwegianpoly]

And then we had a strange-and-sort-of-a-fight, and then the next day when I was being understanding, he spilled the beans;

he does not quite understand polyamory and is concerned for the future of our V. He talked about that he does not want to get my feelings hurt - I guess he meant himself too..! He asked me if I was not taking away love that my husband should have, by giving him love. And that there could not be a future for a relationship like this. I told him details of my road into polyamory. I explained to him that love can flow from one person to another. It was kind of hard and personal to explain it to him. I guess it is also hard to grasp when you are used to thinking along the lines of monogamy. And I said that it is up to the three of us to decide if we want to be together in the future, and how. I felt both happy and exhausted after our skype call today 'cause I was getting paranoid thinking he was on the verge on breaking up...which he is not. And now I am happy because I decided once I get money I will go see him!!

 

[WhatToDo]

Your conversation with your boyfriend sounds a lot like the things I feel in regards to my relationship. I'm in a relationship with a married women and I knew the situation going in. Problem is that I'm having a hard time not only "sharing" her with her husband but also feeling like I can maintain feelings for my wife as well as my girlfriend. Maybe Poly isn't for me but I'm in love with my girlfriend so there is really no going back now.

 

[Norwegianpoly]

Your conversation with your boyfriend sounds a lot like the things I feel in regards to my relationship. I'm in a relationship with a married women and I knew the situation going in. The problem is, I'm having a hard time not only "sharing" her with her husband, but also feeling like I can maintain feelings for my wife as well as my girlfriend. Maybe poly isn't for me, but I'm in love with my girlfriend, so there is really no going back now.

I don't know. My boyfriend is mono. He really likes my husband and always says he is the nicest man. He does not mind sharing me. The situation being what it is, it is more that he feels that I have obligations towards my husband and is afraid he is sort of interfering in that respect. I think I explained to him that it is almost the opposite! I also told him I am not looking for any more people. I imagine he has worried about this. He has been very brave and open so far, and now he is learning even more.

My husband has some of the problems you are describing: losing focus on one person when you are with another. He can get quite full of NRE shit! We have had some issues with that in that past. I have told him he has to maintain a relationship with me, regardless. The problem is really that he is so full of feelings. But if he enters a relationship I guess he will have to cope.

I really don't feel any of that. Of course, I have to make adjustments with time and such to cater to both relationships (and my alone time, and gym, and friends...), but I don't have any problems "carrying my feelings" for the both of them. My husband always ask: "Is it not hard?" but it really isn't; I feel so fulfilled having them both in my life. Of course, I think a little more of my boyfriend these days, but I also see my husband for the wonderful man he is.

 

[GalaGirl]

It sounds like he needs reassurance and to know what is expected of him and what is not clarified. It's early days yet. The "new normal" will feel weird until it becomes "old normal."

He does not quite understand polyamory.

What does he need to gain more understanding? Resources? More talks?

He is concerned for the future of our V.

Such as...? Can he list his concerns specifically?

He talked about that he does not want to get my feelings hurt. I guess he meant himself too.

Feelings happen, yummy or yucky ones. If he definitely does not want to risk feeling either yummy or yucky in this V, he could choose to not participate.

Feeling things is part of the price of admission. Perhaps getting more confident about how to work through feelings and resolve conflict could help. You're both sometimes sounding like, "Aaaahhh! A conflict! Will they dump me?" lately. You could try to chill.

He asked me if I was not taking away love that my husband should have, by giving him love.

How does BF "measure" love? Who is responsible for meeting your husband's needs, BF or you?

He feels that I have obligations to my husband and is afraid he is sort of interfering in that respect.

What is BF doing that he thinks is interfering? Would it help if your husband told your BF everything is fine with him?

And that there could not be a future for a relationship like this.

What future is he hoping for that cannot happen?

And I said that it is up to the three of us to decide if we want to be together in the future, and how.

Yes and no.

• It is up to each individual to decide if they are willing to participate. Nobody can be forced.
• But if everyone is in, you all could co-create agreements for how you want to be together (including how to break up decently, if the polyship needs to end).

Knowing what is going on, and what is expected and not expected, can help reduce anxiety.

 

[Norwegianpoly]

It sounds like he needs reassurance and what is expected of him, and what is not, clarified...

What does he need to gain understanding? Resources? More talks?

Can he list his concerns specifically?

Feelings happen. If he does not want to risk feeling either yummy or yucky in this V, he could choose to not participate.

Feeling things is part of the price of admission. Perhaps getting more confident about how to work through feelings and resolve conflict could help. You're both sometimes sounding like "Aaaahhh! a conflict! Will they dump me?" Chill.

How does BF "measure" love? Who is responsible for meeting your husband's needs, BF or you?

What's BF doing that he thinks is interfering? Would it help if your husband told him everything is fine?

What future is he hoping for that cannot happen?

• It is up to each individual to decide if they are willing to participate. Nobody can be forced.
• Everyone could co-create agreements for how they want to be together...

Knowing what is going on, and what is expected and not expected can help reduce anxiety.

Well, it is early, and this is my first real poly relationship too, so it is a bit new to me, and to my husband, as well. We don't "expect" anything. We just want to show BF poly can be done, and that he is an equal partner, if he wants to be.

BF definitely needs more talks. He told me he was a bit afraid to discuss it with my husband, but after I told him yesterday he need not be, they talked a lot about poly today while I was at a meeting. BF had thought that he should not demand too much, especially in regards to the future, but my husband told him it's not like that. Also, BF was worried that my husband was not getting the best (me sharing myself), but my husband told him he is okay sharing and that they both make me (and my husband) happy.

Before, he told me he was sad that he could never marry me. I guess he also wants children and is afraid that is not possible with me. I think we are all ready for more future talks, to see what we want and what can be done.

We are in different parts of the world, and know that this distance can not be closer for years. This alone make people in love freak.

He is a mono who does not understand what poly is about. I have bad experience dating mono people with blurry minds. Chilling after getting buttons pushed is possible when you see what is happening in the other person's head and make a real connection, which we are both/all are trying to achieve across a couple of seas.

I think most of his concerns relate to him being unfamiliar with poly. All the things on his mind relate to "gentleman-ship," that make him think he should step down, in order to "rescue" our marriage. This is normal mono thinking, to think that all things must end with one "real" love.

 

[Spock]

This is something my wife is still trying to figure out: you can trivially love two people, or more, but how do you get enough time in the day to cultivate the relationships to their fullest?

It's like trying to grow a dozen apple trees in an average-sized back yard. There will only be room for 4 within a decade. My wife has tried dating, and it looks like she can make a couple dates a month, and that of course is wholly unsatisfying for R2. We barely have time for overnights ourselves, what with two kids, so it's kind of unfortunately ironic when he asked if that was a possibility.

It's a struggle to get to kids to bed by 9pm, and then to spend a little time together before we fall asleep, and then have to be up by 6am. Maybe that's worth a thread in itself.

 

[GalaGirl]

We don't "expect" anything. We just want to show him poly can be done, and that he is an equal partner, if he wants to be.

Really? You have no behavior expectations? Then how can you show him that poly can be done and that he is an equal partner?

You seem to expect your DH to behave politely and be welcoming to the BF.
You seem to expect yourself to behave politely and be welcoming to the BF.
What do you expect from the BF's behavior toward you or your husband?

BF definitely needs more talks. He told me he was a bit afraid to discuss it with my husband, but after I told him yesterday he need not be, they talked a lot about poly today while I was at a meeting. BF had felt that he should not demand too much, especially in regards to the future, but my husband told him it is not like that. Also, BF was worried that my husband was not getting the best (me sharing myself), but my husband told him he is ok sharing and that they both make me (and him) happy.

There you seem to expect the BF to disclose what's going on with him. To not just be sitting around in a funk in self-isolation, but to tell you what's on his mind already. See? Expectations of behavior -- so the polyship can run more smoothly. Nobody can be a mind reader.

You could tell the BF straight up that you expect him to do X behaviors, or not do Y behaviors, especially when he's not sounding particularly assertive. Maybe he wants to get the "all clear" from you and your husband so he can be more confident in disclosing his feelings/fears/etc.?

Before, he told me that he was sad that he could never marry me. I guess he also wants children and is afraid that is not possible with me. I think we are all ready for more future talks, to see what we want and what can be done.

Yes, you could talk more. It is also possible to consider: what if he marries someone else while remaining in a polyship with you? His future spouse could be poly or poly-friendly. BF could articulate what his preferences are, or could be in time. Again... nobody is a mind reader.

We are in different parts of the world. The distance can not be closed for years. This alone make people in love freak.

Yes. Distance is what it is.

I think most of his concerns related to him being unfamiliar with poly. All the things on his mind relate to "gentleman-ship." He thinks he should step down in order to "rescue" our marriage. This is normal mono thinking, to think that all things must end with one "real" love.

Or he could step down because he has found his preference really is for relating in a mono format; his preference is to wind up with one love, unshared. An experiment has been tried. The results are what they are.

If he needs to call it "I should step back to rescue your marriage" rather than "I leave so I can be free from discomfort" -- no matter. Maybe it is his personality to not assert himself and couch everything in terms of others.

If his preference is for monoamory, you simply are not compatible. It's like the distance thing... it is what it is.

Keep talking and sorting yourselves out. Pay extra attention to not just the verbal, but the paraverbal and nonverbal communication, especially if he's not great at just spitting out whatever he is thinking verbally. Ask clarifying questions.

 

[Norwegianpoly]

This is something my wife is still trying to figure out: you can trivially love two people, or more, but how do you get enough time in the day to cultivate the relationships to their fullest?

For now, by not having kids. Later on, I am prepared to sacrifice other things.

 

[Norwegianpoly]

You have no behavior expectations? Then how can you show him that poly can be done and that he is an equal partner?

You seem to expect your DH to behave politely and be welcoming to the BF.
You seem to expect yourself to behave politely and be welcoming to the BF.
What do you expect from the BF's behavior toward you or your husband?

There you seem to expect the BF to disclose what's going on with him, and not just be sitting around in a funk in self isolation... See? Expectations of behavior... Nobody can be a mind reader.

You could tell the BF straight up that you expect him to do X behaviors, or not do Y behaviors, especially when he's not sounding particularly assertive.
It is also possible to consider him marrying someone else while remaining in polyship with you. BF could articulate what his preferences are, or could be in time.

Or he could step down because he has found his preference really is for relating in a mono format and his preference is to wind up with one love, unshared.

If he needs to call it "I step back to rescue your marriage" rather than "I leave so I can be free from discomfort" -- no matter. Maybe it is his personality to not assert himself and couch everything in terms of others

If his preference is for monoamory, you're simply not compatible.

Pay extra attention to not just the verbal, but the nonverbal communication here, especially if he's not great at just spitting out whatever it is verbally. Ask clarifying questions.

Of course my husband and I have certain things that we'd prefer, or wish for. But we can never make anyone do anything. That is why I wrote that we don't expect him to do things. Hell, I did not even expect him to be with me, which was kind of why I jumped off my seat the second I thought he might be thinking of the door. Whatever preferences I have, I tell him when I think of them, and encourage him to do the same.

Yes, it is his personality to not assert himself and to think of others. He is very aware of that himself, and proud of it. I try to show him it is ok for him to speak of his own needs, too.

No, he is not considering marrying someone else while in a poly relationship with me. He would consider meeting/marrying someone else if we broke up (which he does not intend to do). There is not a community of poly friendly people where he lives. I also doubt he is interested in pursuing two relationships at once. I think he somehow wants to marry me, or at least live with me, and have children by me.

I think I am a little more than an experiment to him; he has spent our time together telling me I am the love of his life.

Mono and poly can be compatible; I know Vs where both the ends are mono and just the hinge is poly. It can be done. He says he would prefer to have met me before I got married, but that he is willing to try this life because I mean so much to him. He also says that I have already given him much more than he has gotten in previous mono relationships. He feels seen and cared for.

Nonverbal communication says often more than words, this is why Skype and similar is vital, so that body language is not lost. Next time we will just cancel if the net is not working well enough to use Skype. Also, we agreed to postphone our "big discussions" to when we meet in person.