Breakups & One-Track Mind

Reverie

Reverie

Active member
So there are lots of tips around for how to keep your focus on your partner while you have NRE with someone else, but what about if your one-track mind is actually from a breakup with someone else, not a new beginning?

One of my partners (who is also my fiancé's best friend) and I just dialed our relationship back to friendship after being more than that for two years, and it's the most serious breakup I've dealt with during my polyship. A lot of my serial monogamist relationships before getting into poly barely lasted two years, so this is kicking up serious feels for me.

It helps to have my fiancé as a support system, especially since he knows the guy really well and we've all spent a ton of time together, but I obviously don't want to burn him out running my mouth about it.

I have my own best friend to talk to about it, but she's not poly herself, and I don't think she understands that he's not just "replaceable" just because he's not my most serious partner. She gave me the old "million fish in the sea" line.

So I guess it's just me and these boards, once I've worn Rider's ear out enough. I'm not even sure I'm looking for advice, just for a place to discuss it where I'm not going to annoy anyone.
 
So much this!!! WarMan and I are on the verge of splitting, it seems so often lately. I have to try really hard not to let all my mixed up, frustrated and anxious feelings bleed over into my other relationships. My husbands are such great supports though, and it is hard to be happy with them when I am miserable.

One thing that works for me is that they let me vent but then I try not to get stuck. Dump the feelings, then focus and move on to being present where we are. If I am truly paying attention to the partner in front of me, everything else kind of fades.
 
I had a really really really hard time with this when HipsterBoy and I split - I *did* completely burn out TheKnight on the whole issue, so it's good that you know that can be a thing. :(
 
I am just super distracted from everything. Trouble working, trouble sleeping, trouble waking up after I get to sleep...doing the stupid wallow-music and flipping through two years of photographs thing. Ugh.
 
Hi Reverie,

Sorry to hear about your breakup; certainly you can turn to Polyamory.com for venting anytime.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
This is a good topic.

This is a good topic.

Bea and I recently transitioned to a platonic friendship for now. It was particularly difficult for me because she did not know what she wanted so it was all very ambiguous until, well, today actually.

I didn't do well, I withdrew from my relationships in general for a couple weeks and people were not happy with me. I wasn't completely incommunicado. I did let them know what I was going through. and I knew I was withdrawing because I was a drag to be around and didn't want to inflict myself on anyone. Hard to say if it was best but I was taking care of myself as best as I could figure out.

It would be good to have a better strategy than "withdraw and mope".
 
I have discovered that actually keeping in pretty constant-but-friendshippy contact online is helping. As is making art. And also applying some Zen-style tactics of trying not to be attached to a particular outcome. The phrase that I used over in my blog that helped me was "ready but not waiting." Ready as in ready to accept him if he does decide to transition back to more, since I still love him. And not waiting as in not having any expectations or hinging anything on it.

I'm a lot less sad than I was. I still do get sad if I think for too long about things that I might never have with him again, but when I shift focus to what we still do have that is good, the sadness dissipates some.
 
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I sent you a PM.
 
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