Can we still date if I don't like his wife?

G

gorgeouskitten

New member
Some of you have read my posts and may find this a little redundant, and GalaGirl has been really really helpful, so might tell me to knock it off. ;)But here goes, anyway.

BF and I have been together about five months. Things have gone back and forth with how his wife feels. How it stands right now is my spouse and I tried to make a connection with her and it's fallen flat. She tells me she likes me, and is fine with BF and me, but won't hang around me, and when her plans fall through, gets upset that he still has plans with me instead of hanging with her. This info is coming from him, btw.

I had this ideal of us all being friendly, but now it's just me and bf, or me, bf and my spouse. On top of that, he seems to really appreciate how nice and supportive I am of him while telling he how she ignores him to be on OKCupid, makes dates on their anniversary, and tells him he's failing at things. It's hard to respect a relationship that seems like it's so down on by BF, and feel secure in the fact that his wanting time with her comes first, when it seems like she doesn't want any time with him.

Can this work if his wife and I just stay out of each other's hair, and only he interacts with me, my spouse, and our kids?

Also, I'm not sure how to deal with the jealousy that he wants time with her so badly while she isn't giving it to him. He'll say things to me like, "I'll stay home with her, then she's just on OKC all night when I could be out having fun with you." He can tell I'm bummed, but I don't even know what to say to him.

She also suggested he try OKC, when he has enough trouble juggling the two of us.
 
gorgeouskitten said:
He can tell I'm bummed, but I don't even know what to say to him.
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Try this: "It bums me out to hear about the problems you are having with your wife. I want to be there for you, but I'd really like to take a break from hearing about that relationship."

The whole thing sounds stressful.
 
Marcus, I've tried that, but it's like he has word vomit. Out of nowhere he'll be like, "Remember how I ended up mentioning you're loud in bed? She told me later that it makes her insecure."

Um... thank you??? I'm hanging onto this because I love him, but if he can't even recognize his relationship problems, why should I have to listen to it?
 
gorgeouskitten said:
I'm hanging onto this because I love him, but if he can't even recognize his relationship problems, why should I have to listen to it?
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So what are you going to do?

1. Get over it and learn to love hearing about his busted marriage.
2. Split because you're tired of hearing about his busted marriage.

Since he either doesn't want to or is incapable of determining what comes out of his mouth (does he have some kind of condition?), it comes to you to decide whether or not you want this influence in your life. At this point it really is your problem.
 
Marcus said:
Since he either doesn't want to or is incapable of determining what comes out of his mouth (does he have some kind of condition?), it comes to you to decide whether or not you want this influence in your life. At this point it really is your problem.
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lol Marcus, I actually chuckled in my office. I don't think he has a condition... Too many drugs in the '80s?

I guess the thing is I'm annoyed he doesn't realize his marriage kind of sucks. I suppose I can just wait for him to figure it out and ignore it... or leave... or date him while he never figures it out.
 
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gorgeouskitten; said:
I suppose I can just wait for him to figure it out and ignore it... or leave... or date him while he never figures it out.
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3ur3k4
 
gorgeouskitten said:
I'm annoyed he doesn't realize his marriage kind of sucks.
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So is the problem that you think his marriage sucks and won't fix it? Or is the problem that he is making it your business?

Those are two very different issues.
 
gorgeouskitten said:
Marcus, I actually chuckled in my office. I don't think he has a condition... Too many drugs in the '80s? I guess the thing is I'm annoyed he doesn't realize his marriage kind of sucks. I suppose I can just wait for him to figure it out and ignore it, or leave, or date him while he never figures it out.
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My SO was relatively inexperienced in regards to deep relationships with women when he met his soon to be ex. His mother, and his first deep relationship both were emotionally volatile. So when he met his soon to be ex and she was emotionally volatile, he assumed that was just the nature of women. Then he met me-- logical, even-tempered, emotionally stable. Before he met me, he didn't like certain aspects of the relationship with his wife, but figured it would be the same with any woman. Meeting me, he learned how mistaken he had been in that supposition. And so began his attempts with his wife to modify her mood management and control her temper. She didn't want any part of that. Eventually, he left. It took him about 18 months to work through the entire process.

It may be that your bf is beginning such a journey. I don't know what his suppositions are about women and behavior, but you are obviously providing him a different picture. I imagine his wife's behavior makes him pretty sad. And he talks to you about it because he trusts you, and he is trying to make sense of the differences.

First, I don't think it is at all necessary that you hang out with his wife or engage with her in any way.

Second, it is up to you the level of support you want to give your bf in regards to his issue with his wife. I know you are thinking it is all very cut and dried; she is treating him like crap. Coming to terms with that emotionally is a whole 'nother thing.
 
Maybe you break up with him and tell him you can't date him like this. And getting to hang with her all the time without the respite moments he gets from hanging with you gives him the gumption to resolve his wife issues. Then you are free of this of this crazy and get to date him again.

Or he doesn't resolve it. And you get to be free of this crazy.

Either way? Win for you. No more crazy.

There's two kinds of freedom. Freedom TO and freedom FROM. Sounds like you want to be free from their crazy. So you could take action to move you closer to that.

GG
 
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Personally I don't get involved with someone if I don't respect their preexisting relationships. I say that because it was something I learned the hard way. Also it just feels yucky to me. I don't want to be rooting for their relationship to fail. I don't want to be worried about my own motivations. I don't want to be involved. For me, it's not about how much I personally like or dislike their partners, it's more about respecting how they handle their emotional shit together.

Having partners whose preexisting partnership I really respect has worked out very well for me.

Also just as a heads-up, you don't really know what is going on. He is showing you one side of the story. You are hearing the parts that bug him and annoy him (long-term partnerships can have tons of that stuff and still be healthy and strong), and not hearing about the good things or her side of things.

Another personal rule I have is that I don't want my partners ever telling me “I just want to be with you” sentiment when they have other partners. I feel like it's very dividing and puts me in a strange uncomfortable place. Also talking about that can help a partner know that this isn't the kind of comfort or attention you are looking for or enjoy. Sometimes the monogamous mindset gets a little stuck on the idea that reassuring your partner that they are the best, and that you are into them more then anyone else, is not the kind of reassurance you want.
 
Thanks, guys. :) All very helpful. Bookbug, pretty spot on actually. Gala, you're the best to answer more of this again!

Marcus, it's both problems you mentioned. But we discussed not discussing it (again).
 
I sympathize. I could have written much of what you did. I appreciate reading all the responses to your post. Sometimes I wish I could make him/them see what it looks like from their words and actions/inactions, and want to change for for the better. But I can't and it's not my place. All I can do is state my needs and choose to stay, take a break, or leave. (Right now I'm on a break. It's not as devastating as I had anticipated because I have self esteem these days.) Hugs to you. I hope your road smooths out sooner than later.
 
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Why is your partner telling his wife you are loud in bed? That's pretty insensitive and just icky.

You don't have to like her. You aren't banging her, are you? You're dating him, not her.
 
This post is over a month old, and things have kinda changed since then. We still aren't friends, but it doesn't matter to me anymore, because he is awesome.

I also kinda wish this one wasn't here, as he's now on the forum and I'd rather he didn't read this. lol.
 
Still, why is he telling her you are loud in bed?
 
I hear J when she has sex with N. It doesn't bother me, but I can see how it would if it was someone who is insecure.
 
Inyourendo said:
I hear J when she has sex with N. It doesn't bother me, but I can see how it would if it was someone who is insecure.
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We aren't at a place where we'd be having sex in the same house, but I do wonder sometimes if we'll get there. It would make things easier.
 
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