Changing from Primary to Secondary?

[Minxxa]

That's really nice!

You know, listening is one of the hardest skills to learn. It seems so easy, but trying to listen *without judgement or anger* (as my counselor says) can be tough. Not interrupting, not seeing what they say from your point of view, but theirs... tough stuff! That's so cool that you really worked on doing that.

There are two really great books I've read that are good for opening your eyes to communication issues. One is by Deborah Tannen called "you just don't understand", which is about how men and women talk, hear and communicate differently and how misunderstandings happen so easily.

The other is by Michele Weiner-Davis and it's called "Change your life and everyone in it". The title is kind of stupid, because it's not really about changing someone else. It's about changing yourself (how you act, what you say, etc.) which in turn changes how the other person acts/reacts to you. It's a really valuable read, in my opinion, because it explains and shows how our actions/speech/etc. affect the other person and cause reactions. We have a big part in the interactions we have. Duh, I know, but sometimes I think we need to hear it again, LOL!

 

[lovinhimloviner]

It will make it easier for everyone to be able to tell me what I am doing that bothers them, if I don't overreact when they tell me. One of my biggest issues was that I am not stupid-- I know that Harlan and Meg were not happy with me, so I kept trying to change who I was, without really knowing what it was that needed changed. I felt like I was changing the rules, and myself, over and over again, trying to make things better, but only making them worse.

It is nice that Harlan can see things from my point of view too, and knows there are things he needs to do to. It doesn't feel all one-sided on either side. That makes it easier on everyone, because then we aren't defensive all the time. I want to be able to be friends with my husband again. I really want to be able to be good friends with Meg, too.

I know we will still have our problems, everyone does. But it will be easier to work through them now. The future doesn't look as bleak.

 

[lovinhimloviner]

Switching primaries has been an amazing step for us. Meg doesn't do titles well, but I have to have them in order to know where I fit in. John and I are great together as a couple. We are so much alike in what we need out of a relationship. Meg and Harlan are doing great, too.

It took a long time for me to be ok with being Harlan's secondary, but honestly, it was harder to allow him to not be my #1. I still have a hard time not texting him every chance I get, or calling him before I call John. I have been trying hard, but he is still my husband, and it is hard not to want to talk to him as much as I can. I still love him as much as I ever have. I am working on stepping back and allowing myself to enjoy John, so Meg and Harlan can enjoy their time together.

I really do love my family!

 

[BrigidsDaughter]

I'm confused here. Why can't Harlan still be your primary and John your secondary? Just because Meg is now Harlan's primary doesn't mean that yours has to change, too. Just some food for thought. Also, there is nothing saying that you have to call your primary first or secondary second. Call who it feels most appropriate to call. Labels may help you understand your place, but I think your problems adjusting would be lessoened if you didn't try to copy Harlan's change.

 

[lovinhimloviner]

I get what you're saying, I think. I am a very needy person. I didn't realize how that affected the people around me until recently. When I was trying to hold onto the way things were before, I found myself miserable. That in turn made everyone around me unhappy. I am so much happier now that I have focused my energy on John. We really are an amazing couple.

Harlan and I both still love each other. There is no question about that. And when we are able to be together, things are spectacularly glorious!! I really think we were only able to get to this point by me letting go of what I thought of as the "right" way, or the more "normal" way, and embracing the fact that I am soooooo not normal. lol

Harlan and I have more love for each other every day, but we focus our daily lives on Meg and John. It might sound a little out there, but it seems to work for us.

 

[rory]

Hubby and I have more love for each other every day, but we focus our daily lives on Meg and John. It might sound a little out there, but out there seems to work for us.

It sounds like the changes are working well for you. I see what you have done as a really great example of how polyamory can be useful in providing tools for relationship change. Not that one can't make similar changes in a monoamorous relationship, but usually there's an assumption that it can't be Real Love if you feel like spending less time together, when really, there can be love and companionship, and it may just be that the people will be more compatible in a more secondary-type relationship. It's great that you've been able to make that transfer.

 

[lovinhimloviner]

Just an update... Things are wonderful with John. I have finally been able to let go of the idea of Harlan being my primary and allowed myself to accept John as my main relationship. It is more than I could hope for. I didn't know I could ever feel like this.

I still 100% love Harlan, but it is all different now. I don't feel the need to know what is going on in his relationship with Meg, nor do I care. It is not my relationship. All I know and care about is that my relationship with John is amazing. I also know that eventually Harlan and I will work things out, because we love each other.

 

[MsFickle]

I know I have changed over the years. That is what happens to people. He claims he is still the same person, but he isn't, of course.

He may very well be the same person, but you (having changed) are looking at him through different eyes.

Over the last three years, I've been going through an incredible emotional, physical, sexual change myself. I am not the same person my husband married. Fundamentally, I have changed. I joke with my husband often-- "If someone told you you'd marry a weed-smokin' woman that was into open relationships, would you have believed them?" His answer: "FUCK, NO!" That's not whom he married, but for whatever reason, after some soul searching, that's what I've become.

But my husband, he's the same guy I married. Although I would encourage any change in him he felt ready to make, I can say with great confidence that he'll likely still be the same person 10, 20, 30 years from now. But having changed myself (and continuing you change), I see him differently.