Charting Our Course

Yesterday was... incredible. That's all I can say.

Met S2 at his place yesterday morning. We went to a flea market about an hour or so west of him. The market runs 3 times a year, stretching a mile or two along both sides of a main road and back from the road on either side. It was fun; we competed to see who could find the most bizarre item for sale (the winning item was a James Brown nutcracker), and he talked to me about some of the more historical items that people were selling because he's a history and genealogy buff.

Every time we walked along the main road, he put himself between me and the traffic. And at one point, when I started hurting from too much walking (my feet were fine; my legs were bothering me), he noticed. I would never have said anything, because I am that stubborn, but he noticed that I was hurting and found me a place to sit down to rest for a few minutes.

On the way back to his place, he took the long way around so he could show me a couple of places he lived as a kid, and some businesses that had been important to him and his family. He even took me to lunch at a restaurant he's been going to since his teens...a restaurant he used to visit with his ex-wife and their kids.

When we got back to his place, and things moved to the bedroom... It wasn't intentional, but we fluid bonded. It was a matter of positioning to fool around, and things went into other things, and I had a moment of "Oh, shit, condom" but then decided to go with it. He and I had talked the last time we had sex about sexual health; he hadn't had unprotected (or actually any) sex with anyone other than his ex-wife until he met me, and I told him that I'd had unprotected sex with both Hubby and Guy. So we knew where we were both at health-wise, and we had talked about possibly fluid bonding in the future, but neither of us had planned to do so quite so soon.

I came clean to Hubby about that this morning, because it was against our agreements and because I felt that he--and Guy--had the right to know. Hubby said it was okay, that he understood it was unintentional and that he knew I wouldn't have done it on purpose without talking to him. I was so relieved; I was afraid Hubby would be angry, but he wasn't.

Back to yesterday... After sex, S2 and I were snuggling as we always do. I'd been awake since 4:30 in the morning (it was around 3 or 3:30 p.m. by then), and we'd walked at least 3 miles at the flea market, so I was exhausted.

I fell asleep in his arms.

This does not happen, because PTSD. The first time I managed to fall asleep with Hubby touching me was only a few months ago. When Hubby and I first met, I had trouble even falling asleep with him in the same bed, and I woke up every time he came to bed after I fell asleep. It took a couple YEARS before I could fall asleep if he was in bed with me or sleep through him coming to bed. And it took until this spring, after SIX YEARS together, for me to fall asleep in Hubby's arms.

S2 and I have been seeing each other for 2 months. But exhaustion and trust--more trust than I realized I had with him--I fell asleep yesterday. And he just held me and let me sleep, even when he got cold and wanted to move under the blanket we were lying on. He did not move a bit until I woke up about half an hour later.

Our original plan, as I said in the last entry, was that we would spend the day together, and then he would go to his former bandmate's housewarming party while I found something else to do. And then we would go *separately* to Ash's party and meet up there.

We had talked a little on the way back from the flea market, and had gotten from me having to find somewhere else to spend time while he went to the housewarming to him offering to let me hang out at his place while he was gone.

After I woke up from my nap, he said, "I think I want you to go to the housewarming with me, and then we can come back here and change and go to Ash's party together."

He took me to a party with people he's known for years in his "real life" (as opposed to people he knows from AFF or whatever). People he's friends with. He wanted me to meet them. This is... I can't find the words. But I've been together with Guy for over a year, and not only have I not met anyone in his personal life...they don't even know I EXIST. And after two months, S2 wanted me to meet people who have been his friends for years. And from something he said after we left the housewarming, he had told a couple of his friends about me before that.

It means so much to me that he shared parts of his childhood/teen years with me on the way back from the flea market, and that he wanted other people in his life to know me. That tells me more clearly than any analyzing or labeling could where he places me in his life.
 
I talked to Guy last night for the first time since last week, since he spent the weekend at home with his son and ex-wife. I told him about fluid bonding with S2 (since I felt that he had the right to know that had happened, since he and I don't use condoms anymore either), and about falling asleep with S2 holding me.

Hubby doesn't know about the falling asleep thing, because he had asked me not to tell him if I ever fell asleep with S2 after sex. We still have the "no overnight" rule anyway, but Hubby has agreed that if I'm with S2 and feel too tired to drive home safely, I can crash for a couple of hours before coming home.

So I didn't tell Hubby about falling asleep with S2, but I did tell Guy, because Guy keeps saying he wants to know everything.

He sounded a little hurt after I told him. I didn't fluid bond with Guy until a few weeks ago, during my visit to him, and that was after over a year of FWB leading into full-fledged relationship. And I've NEVER fallen asleep with Guy. The only time I've even fallen asleep in the same room with him was after the lone threesome I had with him and Hubby, right at the beginning of things, and that time, Hubby and I slept in the hotel bed and Guy slept on the folding couch. Guy is already struggling with some envy toward S2 because S2 is able to see me on a regular basis, and I think I made things more difficult for him by telling him what happened on Saturday.

I would never say so to Guy, because I don't want to hurt him intentionally, but a large part of it taking me so long to fluid bond with him--aside from wanting to get Hubby's okay--and of me not sleeping with him in the literal sense, is because I'm never completely comfortable in person with him. I don't know why. He's never been anything but respectful and gentle, but there's just something about him that sets me on edge, like when I visited him in August and posted here that I didn't want to be there and felt like something was broken between him and me. When we're long-distance, operating primarily as friends and only communicating by phone or text, I'm okay with him. But when we're physically in the same space, it doesn't feel completely right. I love him, but there's just something off when we're together.

With S2, though, I am completely comfortable. More than even with Hubby, sometimes. With Guy, I always get twitchy after a little while in his company and need to wander off somewhere to get space from him; with S2, I can and have spent hours with him and only left because I had to, not because I wanted or needed to.

Guy knows me well enough to know what it means that I was okay with fluid bonding with S2, and even more, to know what it means that I was able to fall asleep with S2. And I know it hurts him, because he isn't ignorant of the fact that I don't have the same level of comfort with him even though we've been together longer.

Sometimes I think the best thing to do would be to end the relationship with Guy, because I feel like it isn't fair to him. But I talked to him about that when I visited him last month, and he said if we did end things, nothing would really change, since we don't actually see each other anyway and he would still consider me an important part of his life and would still want to talk to me. The only changes would be that I wouldn't visit him again, and we probably would stop saying "I love you." Every time I express to him that I don't think this is fair to him, he tells me that's his decision to make, and that he's known all along what he was getting into.

Guy will be arriving on Sunday for about 5 weeks in my area. He'll be staying at a hotel in the next town over from S2, and will be working overnights, which is a bonus for me. I'll be able to visit Guy in the mornings after my kids leave for school, and since he'll have to go to sleep around late morning/lunchtime, I won't have hours on end with him. That sounds horrible to say, but that's how I need it to be if I'm going to see him at all while he's out here.

It's a little more complicated, though, because he's offered to take my 19-year-old out for lunch and a "get your act together" talk, and Hubby wants to hang out with Guy and has offered to take him for a boat ride, which was something they were planning to do when Guy was out here last year but never had a chance to. Guy is more a part of my family than S2 is so far, which is both good and bad given my mixed feelings for Guy.

I've made it clear to both Guy and S2 that I will be continuing to see S2 while Guy is out here. In theory, Guy will actually have *more* time with me than S2 will during those five weeks, because Guy will have every morning free and will be interacting with Hubby and 19-year-old, if not also with 16-year-old; whereas S2 works 9-5, has responsibilities with his sons, has band rehearsals, etc., so we'll only have maybe a lunch date or after-work date once a week, and most likely a day together on the weekends that he doesn't have his kids.

I feel horrible, though, because I really wish it was the other way around. That I could have more time with S2 than with Guy, or that Guy wasn't even coming out here.

I don't know how to manage those feelings...Any advice? (Assuming anyone's read this far, because I seem to write short stories instead of blog posts...)
 
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I wonder how much of this feeling like S2 is so wonderful is NRE. It doesn't sound like you ever really let yourself feel NRE with Guy, because it was against your rules. So you're looking at your relationship with Guy and comparing it to the perfection you see through your NRE glasses with S2 and it comes up wanting. I wouldn't make any long lasting changes right now, because of that. I'd enjoy what you do have with Guy, which sounds wonderful, he fully accepts you for who you are, which is hard to find, and quit comparing it to S2.
 
Thanks, Hannah.

I know at least some of what I'm experiencing with S2 is NRE. And I did experience NRE with Guy, even though at the time we weren't calling it a relationship. But even in the throes of NRE with him, I still felt some discomfort.

I'm not meaning to compare Guy and S2 as people, or to compare the relationships as in one's better than the other; it's more that I overanalyze everything, and I'm trying to analyze why I feel the discomfort with Guy but don't with S2. I'm not comparing *them*, but comparing *my reactions* to them and trying to figure out why there's a difference.

Guy is a wonderful person, and he does fully accept me and the situation, which is in large part why my discomfort around him bothers me so much. If he's so awesome, why can't I stand being physically present with him for more than an hour or so without feeling twitchy and needing a break from him?

But it would probably benefit me to stop trying to figure that out and just accept that it is what it is.
 
KC43 said:
Guy is a wonderful person, and he does fully accept me and the situation, which is in large part why my discomfort around him bothers me so much. If he's so awesome, why can't I stand being physically present with him for more than an hour or so without feeling twitchy and needing a break from him?

But it would probably benefit me to stop trying to figure that out and just accept that it is what it is.
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I am fairly new to having generalized anxiety, having just barely started taking medication for it in the middle of July after a severe traumatic event, so take that into account with what I am about to say.

I wonder if part of the issue is the overthinking itself. I know that since I started having issues with anxiety, if I start feeling anxious about something and I dwell on it, thinking about how illogical it is, how I don't understand why I'm feeling anxious about it, etc., it makes the anxiety worse. For instance, I left work early one day because I just lost it right after my lunch hour, I just started feeling incredibly anxious and started bawling when I had to ask my supervisor for vacation time. My friend happened to reply to a text I'd sent him two days earlier, asking if everything was okay right at that moment. I told him that I'd just broken down at work, that everything wasn't okay, and that I was leaving work 5 hours early. He invited me over. When I got there and we were laying down on his bed to cuddle, there was only one pillow at the head of the bed and he seemed to want me to lie down and share it with him. It suddenly became really important to me to find the other pillow (it was at the foot of the bed, between the wall and the bed). When I found it, I started babbling about how I wanted it just in case. I then went into a full blown panic attack because of the stupid pillow. I was so worried that he'd think it meant I didn't want to be near him, that he'd be insulted that I worried so much about the stupid pillow, etc., that I started hyperventilating, shaking, etc. All because I wanted my own pillow for cuddling and a nap. I can guarantee that he didn't care one way or the other about the pillow.

I wonder if you are having some of the same issues with feeling uncomfortable around Guy for long periods of time. I wonder if you think you shouldn't feel that way, so you start overthinking it, start worrying about it, which just makes it worse. I know it's easier said than done, but maybe if you try to just be in the moment, accept it for what it is, don't try to overanalyze it, if it will be better.
 
I do have generalized anxiety disorder, so that could be a component. It's also both the cause of and the result of overthinking.

I completely get what you're saying about being in the moment. The difficulty I run into is that I don't *want* to be in the moment with Guy. I want to be on the phone with him at a distance, or alone somewhere, or something. I just flat out don't want to be there. And then I wonder why that is, and how I can get away from him without upsetting him, and my brain starts spiraling.

He called a little while ago and was talking about his impending time out here. I said something about having time to see him in the mornings, and he said, "Yes, and we'll have weekends."

I have told him more than once as we've been preparing for him to be out here that I will be continuing to see S2, and that S2 and I have the same schedule as far as kid weekends (my 16-year-old is home with me on the same weekends S2 has his sons for visitation), meaning that we try to plan something together on the weekends that my kiddo is with her dad and his sons are home with their mom and stepmom. And Guy has always known that when my 16-year-old is home, I try not to go out anywhere, or at least only for short amounts of time.

I reminded him of all of that, and he sounded hurt and upset. He kept insisting he *wasn't* hurt or upset, but then he said, "I guess I just wasn't thinking that S2 was going to be part of the picture."

Which really upset me, because I had made it clear to him--and to S2, and to Hubby--all along that I intended to continue seeing S2 as often as has been happening during the time when Guy is out here. Just like I'm not prioritizing S2 over Guy, I'm not going to prioritize Guy over S2 by taking away the time I would normally be spending with S2 in order to spend that time with Guy.

He texted me a few minutes later to apologize, and said that it was because he wants to spend as much time as possible with me. Which I understand, and he feels how he feels and I understand that too. But I'm feeling kind of upset and angry because he seemed to have assumed that since he was going to be here I wouldn't be seeing S2, despite my having told him otherwise more than once.

I'm venting here and keeping my thoughts otherwise to myself, because my knee-jerk reaction would be to tell Guy that if he can't handle this, he's welcome to not see me at all. I'm feeling pressured to make extra time for him, and I don't respond well to feeling pressured.
 
I haven't talked to Guy since that conversation on Tuesday. He called back a little later, but I wasn't feeling calm enough to talk to him at that point. I texted him to let him know I couldn't talk right then and wasn't ignoring him. He called yesterday, but I was at a doctor's appointment so couldn't answer the phone.

He's at home for the next few days, until he leaves to come out here, which means it isn't likely he'll be able to call again until Saturday when he's on the road. I'm hoping that will give me time to get my head straight about this.

Right now I'm struggling with feeling like he's jealous, not just envious, of S2, and like he wants me to say "Okay, I'll take time away from S2 to spend with you", which isn't something I'm willing to do because it wouldn't be fair to S2. Or to me. I told him when I texted him on Tuesday that I wasn't making S2 a priority over Guy, but I'm also not making Guy a priority over S2. They're equally important to be, albeit in different ways.

Hubby is trying to help me get past what Guy said, but also pointed out that if I don't want to see Guy at all when he's here, I don't have to.

It seems to me that Guy isn't as comfortable with or accepting of my relationship with S2 as he wants to be, or wants me to think he is, and that isn't my problem. If he wants to discuss it, I'll have the "I'm sorry you're struggling, how can I make it easier for you" conversation, but if he keeps denying he's having a problem but acting like he is, there's nothing I can do about it except make the choice of whether I want to be with him when he's acting that way.

I saw S2 last night. Don't know why, but he was telling me about three other women he's been emailing on AFF, that he isn't going to meet one of them because she lives too far away; he met another one but there was no chemistry; and he doesn't know about the third.

And he told me that the girlfriend of the woman he went camping and kayaking with tried to fix him up with that woman... (The girlfriend is lesbian, the woman is bisexual.) From the way he was talking, I don't think that went anywhere, but it's really hard to say, and I don't know how to feel about that now. I had gotten past my insecurity about her in part because I didn't think there was much chance of anything happening between them, but now I know there's more of a chance than I thought.

Going to try not to worry about any of that unless/until he tells me something is actually happening. He has every right to see others. I'm just concerned about that one particular woman because of the negative history I have with her. But I need to get past that. If S2 does start seeing her, I at least have the confidence now that if she were to say something negative to him about me, or try to get him to stop seeing me so they could be exclusive (which are the two possibilities I'm most fearful of), that it wouldn't work for her, because he knows me well now and he wants to be with me.

I'm not sure whether he told me all that as "By the way, here are possibilities of me getting together with other women," or if he just has reached the point with me where he wants to be completely open and honest even if it's about conversations and not anything actually going on. Either way, I appreciate his honestly, and it's reassuring to know he will tell me things like that.

Meanwhile, last night I told S2 that according to my friend Cat, a busybody woman from the chat group saw S2 and me together at Ash's party on Saturday, and asked Cat whether we were together. Cat told her that yes, we were. (And that Hubby knows, and that Hubby's fine with it, because apparently the woman believed that she needed to know those things.)

To which S2 said, "Well, yeah... we are seeing each other."

Which made me feel really good.
 
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About ready to tell Guy I'm done. I'm sure I am reacting out of proportion, but the current situation is not giving me much reason to want to stick things out.

He called today and I was able to answer the phone. We started trying to process what he said the other day, because I wanted to move past it.

Instead it just got worse.

He said, "When you told me you were still going to see S2 some of the weekends I'm out there, I felt the same way you would have felt if I'd gone out to see someone else while you were visiting me."

I said, "It isn't even the same thing. I went out there ONLY to visit you. I was there four days, and I was staying in your hotel room. You're coming out here for WORK. You're staying in a hotel your job is paying for, and you're here for five weeks."

He just kept saying he felt like I should be making more time for him because S2 gets to see me whenever, and Guy rarely sees me. And he kept saying that he had believed I wouldn't see S2 on the weekends when Guy's here.

I said, "What am I supposed to do, tell S2 'Sorry, can't see you for the next five weeks because Guy's here, if you're still available when he leaves I'll see you then'?"

Then Guy backed down to "I didn't expect you not to see him *any* of the weekends I was there. Just not as many as you are." (He's going to be here for 4 weekends. 2 of them are weekends I have plans with S2.)

He said again that he isn't upset, just disappointed, and he's only disappointed because he was going by his own misconceptions instead of clarifying things with me. But then he said, "It's fine, I'll just take what I can get."

When certain emotional triggers are hit, I'm going to have trouble seeing things rationally. Guy hit my "you're a bad person" trigger, my "you have to do what I want no matter what" trigger, and my dishonesty trigger, because regardless of whether he's being honest when he says he isn't upset, he DID initially say he didn't think I would see S2 ANY of the weekends Guy's here and then changed it to "just not as many".

So I called Hubby, who's my reality check when the emotions go wonky. And he said that as far as he's concerned, I'm completely right not to cancel plans with S2 to see Guy. Even though S2 would understand, to me, that would be saying "Guy's more important than you."

Not to mention I'm feeling pressured by Guy to do exactly that, which pretty much guarantees I won't do it.

It might have been different if Guy and I had had this conversation a week or two ago. I have been telling him this entire time since he found out he was coming here that I would be seeing S2 on the weekends my younger kid is with her dad, since those are also the weekends S2 doesn't have his sons. This was not new information. If Guy had brought up this issue earlier, I might have been willing to compromise.

But at this point, between the way he went about things, which felt to me like manipulation (Guy knows how easy it is to make me feel guilty, and he knows that when I feel guilty I'll do almost anything to make up for whatever I'm feeling guilty about), and the fact that S2 has made specific plans for us for the next three or four kid-free weekends rather than just "hey, we'll probably get together", I'm not willing to make that change.
 
Hubby said Guy texted him yesterday (while Hubby was on the phone with me) about the boat ride Hubby told Guy he would take him on. Guy apparently wanted to make sure he got his boat ride, and I had told him before that he would have to go through Hubby since Hubby's the boat captain and has the more complicated schedule.

Hubby says Guy suggested a specific date, and Hubby said he would have to get back to him. Hubby isn't sure whether socializing with Guy is a good idea if I'm not on good terms with Guy.

I told Hubby if he wants to take Guy on the boat ride he's been promising pretty much since we met Guy, that's fine with me, but I may or may not be there. They're friends anyway, and they're welcome to socialize without me present.

Guy arrives on Sunday, and I had said I would see him Monday morning after my kids leave for the day. I don't know yet whether I'm actually going to go see him. I know this situation might seem minor. And he has the right to feel how he feels about finding out (again) that I would be seeing S2 on two of the weekends Guy's here. But I had made that clear--or at least thought I had--before, and his response left me feeling guilty and manipulated. Which in turn made me angry, and I also have the right to feel however I feel.

It's how I handle those feelings that matters, and I haven't decided yet how that will be.
 
Hashed out a few things with Guy. I expressed to him that because of the tone and words he used in responding to hearing that I would be seeing S2 some weekends, I felt like Guy was trying to manipulate me into canceling those plans.

He said he didn't intend to manipulate me and apologized for causing me to feel guilty. He said that the way I'm handling it isn't the way he would handle it, but that he doesn't consider my way "worse" than his or "wrong," just different.

I think he still isn't quite grasping the difference between coming out here for work with the bonus of getting to see me because he's nearby, vs. coming out here to see me. Or maybe I'm not seeing it right in putting that difference on the situation.

If he were here for the purpose of visiting me, then yeah, I would definitely make more accommodations in my schedule to spend time with him. But that isn't why he's here, and I don't see or feel the need to completely change my schedule and plans to make room for him. *Some* changes, yes. But not completely.

I also expressed to him that for whatever reason, I feel uncomfortable when I'm in person with him, and because of that, I prefer the idea of seeing him for a couple of hours a few mornings a week while he's here over spending an entire hours-long day with him on a weekend. He said that's fine, he understands and just wants me to be comfortable.

I'm seeing him tomorrow morning, so we'll see how that pans out.
 
Saw Guy today. It didn't start out well. I was in anxiety mode from the beginning of the day. Thinking clearly enough to realize that the anxiety was not rational, and recognizing where it was coming from, but still anxious.

Best Friend, who's been talking to me quite a bit the past several days because he and Star are both sick and so haven't been able to see each other, messaged me this morning during his to-work bus ride, and I told him I was afraid of Guy. Not because of anything Guy had done, but because PTSD issues had been stepped on, and I was having trouble getting through that. Guy is not the people who have hurt me in the past, but he wasn't giving me anything to go on to get myself to believe he wouldn't be *like* them.

Best Friend reminded me that it was my choice whether to see Guy or not, and that if I was uncomfortable or scared once I got to Guy's hotel room, I could leave. Which helped, because one of the issues that had been stepped on was feeling trapped into one course of action with no choice. (I felt like Guy was trying to force me to agree not to see S2, and I was afraid--again, irrationally--that he would be angry with me if I didn't agree to what he wanted.)

I went to see Guy only because I'm stubborn as hell. I could have chosen not to go, but then this would have just lingered.

When I got there, he knew right away something was wrong. And because he knows me, he didn't close the door to the room until I said it was okay to.

I told him everything I'd been feeling and fearing and all the mini "landmines" that had been set off by the situation. I told him flat out that I was afraid of him, and even though I knew there wasn't a reason to be, something had set off that fear. With anxiety, sometimes you can tell yourself "That isn't likely to happen, and if it does, I'll be okay". With PTSD... you can't say it isn't likely to happen, because it already has. And you can't say you'll be okay, because you weren't.

Guy isn't anyone who's abused me in the past, but when PTSD kicks off, that doesn't matter.

But he understood. He apologized for the way he'd said things, and he assured me again that he is okay with the fact that I'm going to be seeing S2 some of the weekends. When he had said that to me before on the phone, I hadn't been able to believe him, because that was also a "landmine"; in similar situations in the past, after I heard "Don't worry about it, I'm fine", I was hurt. Or it was held in reserve and used against me at a later date.

Seeing him in person when he said it, though, it was easier to believe. And I did tell him why it was hard to believe.

We ended on a good, positive note. He wanted to snuggle--he never cares whether we have sex or not, he just likes some kind of physical contact--and I was able to feel safe lying in his arms. I'm still leery, and I don't think that's going to change because of the discomfort I always feel around him anyway. But at least things are better, and I can say I'm looking forward to spending more time with him while he's out here.
 
I need a calendar. Color-coded. With back-up to my phone.

Or a clone. A clone would be good.

Guy will be in the area until October 17. I have told him that the days I see him will, for the most part, be weekday mornings. He's working overnights, so gets back to his hotel around 8:30 in the morning, and can stay up until about 11 or 12 before he has to get some sleep so he can work that night at 9.

Hubby and I have tentatively planned to take Guy for a boat ride on Sept. 27. Guy and I are going to a meet & greet that a friend of ours is hosting on Oct. 11.

I met S2 for a lunchtime walk today and will be seeing him Friday. We might do something else this weekend too, pending his tentative plans with another woman he's been talking to. He's questioning whether she's going to bail on him, which probably means she will, because he's usually right about things like that. If he doesn't see her, he said something about maybe taking me to a big fair/carnival thing that's going on out near where we went to the flea market a couple weeks ago.

October 4, S2 and I are planning to go to another fair...which should be interesting because it's the fair where my 16-year-old's Future Farmers of America chapter has a float in the parade that day, and where they run an apple cider stand for the duration of the fair. This means S2 will be probably meeting the child who has NOT been told about the poly thing... He and I discussed it and agreed to tell her he's a friend of mine who wanted to see the fair and help support her FFA chapter by buying cider. Which is true, just not the whole truth...

The fair is throwing a loop into things. It runs from Oct 3-13, and my kiddo doesn't know yet when her cider stand work shifts will be. She does know she has to be in the parade; she's one of the chapter officers this year, so has to be on the float. And over the course of the fair she'll be working at least 4-5 shifts of about 4 hours each... WHich means transporting her. The fair is about 45 minutes away.

From now until about October 19, my schedule JUST regarding driving the 16-year-old places is completely insane, between her afterschool FFA meetings (there's no activities bus available to her), visitations to her dad, the fair shifts, and a couple of things going on on the 18-19.

Then on Oct. 19, my 19-year-old is in an event that showcases artists of all types. In her case, a hair and makeup artist. They're giving her a solo runway show in which she'll be styling the models. This of course conflicts with the FFA activity my 16-year-old has to do on the 19th.

And then working in time with Guy and S2 around all of that...

Hubby has said that he will do some of the transporting of the 16-year-old, to the extent he's able given his work hours. He'll be getting a new-to-him company truck soon; his uncle got a brand-new one, so Hubby's getting his uncle's old truck. Which is fortunate, because 16-year-old was afraid to ride in Hubby's current truck because it's in very poor shape, and her father pretty much told me I wasn't allowed to have her riding in that truck anymore.

Hubby... there are times I am SO thankful for him. He is aware that part of the reason I need him to help with transportation is because of my health (too much driving sometimes puts me in pain to the point of not being able to get out of bed the next day), but part of it is so I can see Guy and S2. And he WANTS me to be able to see them. He WANTS me to have that part of my life, so he's willing to do what he can to make sure that happens.

Times like this, though, I'm kinda glad Hubby put his foot down about me spending nights with Guy or S2... if I was trying to coordinate all of this to include overnights, my head might explode.
 
KC43 said:
I need a calendar. Color-coded. With back-up to my phone.

Or a clone. A clone would be good.
Click to expand...
Google calendar is a wonderful thing. And if you have an android phone, it will be on your phone too. You can set up multiple calendars (that are different colors) for the different things in your life. You can share your calendar with other people. I have one calendar for work related stuff and one calendar for the rest of my life. I also have my husband's calendar showing and my older son's calendar (so I know when he's in his college classes).
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In your case, you could have one calender for your younger daughter's stuff, one for the older daughter's stuff, one for your life with your husband, one for S2, and another for Guy. That would get you your color coded calender. Even if you have an iphone you could still bring it up on your internet browser on your phone. The android one is nice, because you can set it up as widget on a screen. My google calendar takes up about half of the home screen on my phone and I can see the next 4 or 5 things going on without having to do anything and the whole week just swiping down. And then if I need more I can pull up the whole calender. I love google calender, can you tell?

I also have fibromyalgia, so I can relate to how you feel with that and how it makes your life harder.
 
Thanks, Hannah :) I was mostly joking about the color-coded calendar thing. I've tried using a smartphone-based calendar before and wasn't particularly successful with it, mainly because if I don't have something right in front of my face I forget it exists. My *phone* was right in front of my face, but I constantly forgot to add things to the calendar. And even when I remembered, I either ignored the reminders or didn't even see them.

I print out month-by-month calendar pages and hang the current and following month ones on the wall above my desk; since I work from home, I ALWAYS have that calendar in front of me. I still sometimes forget to add things to the calendar, especially if it's something I have to transfer from the datebook in my purse onto the wall calendar, but for me doing it this way is a lot more effective than the technology-based method. (Though I admit it isn't very tree-friendly...)

My life with Hubby doesn't need a calendar. He's either at home or at work. If he's at home, he might interact with me or might not. If he's at work, he's at work. He doesn't deal well with scheduling things or planning them in advance, and he doesn't actually like spending time with me doing things, he just likes knowing I'm here. This isn't just my perception; I had a conversation with him about this just before he left for work today, and that's exactly what he said. Once in a while, we'll actually have a date night or something, but mostly it's just kissing and hugging and...um...other things when we're home and awake at the same time. We don't usually plan anything.

Older kid is 19 and keeps her own calendar; the only reason her showcase is even on my radar is because it's a HUGE deal for her. A lot of fashion and style industry professionals attend this event, so her work is going to be in front of eyes that could really advance her career.

If it works out with 16-year-old's poultry auction thing (which I *don't* have to attend, that's just a transportation thing), I plan to go to the showcase and hope to have S2 go with me, since the whole thing was his idea. It's an annual event and his band played there last year, so when I told him about 19-year-old's hair and makeup skills, he suggested she check it out.
 
I had a wonderful night Friday with S2. We talked about where we're at with each other... or, to be honest, kind of talked around it. He said things like he doesn't believe he would ever find anyone as compatible with him as I am, that he wants to spend as much time with me as we can manage. I told him how glad I am that we met, and that I really like our time together. He kept looking like he wanted to say something but stopping himself...and I caught myself almost telling him I love him. We both said we've reached a level of trust with each other that we don't have with many others. And for the second time, I fell asleep in his arms.

He had a date planned for yesterday with another woman he's met through the same site where he and I met. This was to be their first meeting. He told me he felt guilty about seeing someone else, even though he knows that's how this works. He also said he wanted to see me today, and that he would "be in touch."

And...he hasn't been in touch. It's only about 7 a.m. here, but I texted him twice last night (three hours apart), just "Hey, hope you're having fun, just checking about tomorrow" and then "Going to bed, hope to hear from you about tomorrow." He didn't answer either text.

He told me he wanted to take me to a fair out in the western part of the state and that we would have to get there really early; he said if it didn't work out to go there, he still wanted to see me today and we could do something else. Those plans involved meeting VERY early at his place, meaning that if we're actually going through with it, I should already be in my car on the way there.

Because I'm me, I'm stuck now not having a clue what to do. Should I try texting him again? Should I get in the car and head out there? Should I just sit here and wait to see if he contacts me? I'm leaning toward the second choice; if I get out there and it turns out he isn't up to seeing me for whatever reason, I can find something else to do in that area, and if he is still planning whatever, at least I'll be there early enough. But I don't want to seem pushy, and if I go out there without hearing from him, he might find that pushy. (Though "pushy" was another thing we talked about Friday night, and he said I could never be pushy with him, and that if he ever did feel like I was, he wouldn't get upset but would just say something about it.)

Meanwhile, I saw Guy yesterday, and that didn't feel so great. Each time I'm with him, I feel the incompatibility between us, and I feel like he's far more emotionally invested in the relationship than I am, and more than I'm comfortable with. He was upset when I left because he didn't want me to leave yet (it was only 9 pm; on the other hand, I'd been there since 5), which isn't cool with me...and he knows that. He feels how he feels, and that's fine, but he knows better than to say things like "Can I tie you to the bed and keep you here"...I think that would be creepy at best to someone who *didn't* have the past history I have, and Guy knows my history.
 
Yesterday, I ended up leaving the house shortly after I posted to head in S2's general direction...and before I'd driven a mile, he texted me.

He was tired and didn't really feel like doing anything ambitious (like going to the fair), because he'd been up quite late Friday with me, and I gather was out fairly late Saturday night with the other woman. He didn't give me details, nor did I want any; he just said they went apple picking then out to dinner, he had a good time, and he'd kind of like to see her again but they haven't made any definite plans to do so.

So I went to his place and we just hung out (though some of the "hanging out" was done naked...lol). He cooked lunch for me, then brought me to a hiking trail so we could walk off the meal, then wrecked that by taking me out for ice cream.

We've moved to the "making plans in advance" stage, apparently. Despite my typical need to always know what's going to happen, I hadn't been trying too hard to make advance plans with him, because I didn't want him to feel like I was pushing him to spend time with me if he had other things (or people) he wanted to do. Now *he* is the one making plans.

Yesterday, I told him that last year, an FWB I had broke plans with me to be with other women. The FWB was honest about it, but still... hearing "I know you were planning to drive two hours to see me for the first time in a month, but Jane Doe wants to see me and I'd really rather be with her" stung. He did that to me three times, and I should have kicked him to the curb after the first one...I finally did dump him the third time, because not only did he pull that on me, but he lied to the other woman about it. Anyway, I told S2 about that, and said that I *know* he would never do anything like that to me, but because he's interested in continuing to see the other woman, it would help to hear him *say* he wouldn't break plans with me to see her.

He said, "I will look you in the eye right now and promise you, I will NEVER break plans with you for someone else."

We have definite plans for lunch on Wednesday, and we have definite plans for his next 3 kid-free weekends. (He has his sons every other weekend for visitation.) Plans for two of those weekends involve going to chat group events...and one of those is a Halloween party for which we're apparently going to go shopping for matching, or at least similarly-themed, costumes.

And the plans for the weekend after next include him meeting my 16-year-old, as I said a couple of posts ago. He and I are going to meet at the fairgrounds to watch the parade, and then do fair-ish things and buy some cider before leaving to go to a barbecue at the home of one of the chat room folks. Hubby has already committed to picking up the 16-year-old from the fair if she needs a ride, though she might be able to get a ride from her best friend's parents. Hubby has gotten his new company truck, which is going to be a huge help.

S2 will be meeting the 19-year-old as well, and actually had already seen her several times; in the mornings, he sometimes walks past the beauty school she attends, and has seen her standing outside waiting for the doors to open. She looks a LOT like me, so he was pretty sure she was my daughter, but he hadn't spoken to her because he didn't want to weird her out. I told him he's welcome to say hi to her, and gave her a heads-up about it. He's also planning to bring his sons into the school so my daughter can cut their hair, since she needs to do some children's haircuts to fulfill graduation requirements.

This whole thing with S2 started with emails on the dating site, and then "Hey, I'm not doing anything this weekend"; "Oh, neither am I, want to get together"... and it's developed into something amazing, despite a few bumps, which are generally caused by my own brain and not by any issues between us per se. In addition to the plans we've made for the next several weeks, he's already talking about plans for NEXT SUMMER with me. And I'm letting him meet my kids, which isn't something I'm often willing to do with people... And he said at some point, he would like to have me meet his sons, though he's holding off because they're quite young (9 and 5 or 6) and are already dealing with a lot of upheaval because of their parents' divorce, their mom moving her girlfriend in with them, and moving to a new town. And the younger one is autistic, which adds a whole nother layer to trying to adjust to things. S2 wants to let things settle a bit for them before introducing me, but he said he definitely does want me to meet them.

It's good. It's really good.
 
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I just read LovingRadiance's blog thread, and something she said really clarified some of the things I've been thinking and feeling, so I wanted to post about that before I forget.

LR talked about having a "little" side, which likes being cared for and protected, and therefore dovetails well with Dominants, whether actually D/s dominant or just dominant personalities.

I've known for a long time that I have a side like that too. Or, rather, a few sides like that... Because of trauma in my past, I feel sometimes like I have a few little girls living in my brain, essentially children the ages I was at the time of the traumas. And those little girls sometimes need to be protected, cherished, and cared for, as well as taught and guided to finding that some BIG SCARY things aren't so scary and are actually kind of nice.

I also have a very childlike aspect to my personality anyway; I'm likely to drive past a farm and say "Oooh, horses!" or walk down a street and stop to look at pretty flowers.

When Hubby and I opened our marriage, he discovered his Dominant side, and he is my Sir. He's got a strong, dominant personality anyway, and he recognizes my need to be protected, so we fit that way. We actually always have; right from the beginning of our relationship, he has told me I can lean on him, and although there are times when he hasn't been there for me, when I've really needed a "safe place", he's been that for me.

S2 and I are still learning each other, but he, too, is strong. I don't know how dominant he could be, but I sense in him someone who can protect and care for the "littles" in me. He's prepared meals for me when he knows I've forgotten to eat (one of my medications has a side effect of suppressing appetite, so I often forget meals) or when he's concerned about my blood sugar levels. I've yet to be afraid with or of him, and I can't even say that about Hubby. And there are those two times I've fallen asleep with S2 holding me...

But with Guy...Guy is the only one in this group who's actually been involved with the BDSM lifestyle, and he knows his kinks and needs. He's a full-on switch, and enjoys both sides of the equation equally. But... he scares me. He acts like he wants to be protective of me, but it hits my inner children as possessiveness rather than protection. When he reminds me that I should eat, it doesn't come across as taking care of me, but rather as ordering me, with the perceived risk of him getting angry if I don't do what he says. He's intense and "owner-ish". I can't find any safety there.

Plus... he leans more toward the pain and humiliation aspect of BDSM rather than the D/s aspect. And that side of him brings out a part of me that I work very, very hard to keep under wraps. The part of me that could easily hurt--mentally or physically--someone just for the hell of it. The part of me that's been warped by my past, that I don't allow out except in tiny trickles when I need to defend myself, because I don't want to be anything even remotely like the people who abused me. That part of MYSELF scares me, and because Guy's bringing it out--to the point of telling me he wants it--that adds to my fear of him.

Because of LR's post, I think I finally understand what it is about Guy that's hitting my red flags...and more than before, I think that this isn't something that can be fixed or changed. Which is sad, because Guy is a good man and he has helped me deal with a lot of tough things since we've been together. But I can't reconcile the listening ear/crying shoulder part of him with the part that scares my littles...and if he scares them, I need to protect them.
 
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I popped over to see what it was I triggered. Im glad I did. That safety aspect is huge! And it is hard. Cause people don't understand. They see me as strong and in control (which I am to a very large degree); but they don't accept that I am a multifaceted person (aren't we all) & I have vulnerabilities too.

HUGS! I so understand what you are saying. GG is a good man too. But I need security and acceptance. In most arenas he is accepting. But in this aspect he just can't grasp this part of me & it sends him into a tailspin.
 
Thanks, LR! Yeah, feeling safe is very, very important. I usually come across as strong and in control too, but sometimes I need to not be...

I'm fortunate in that all three men in my life accept and understand my submissive and "little" sides. It's just that Guy isn't able to treat those sides the way they need to be treated, because his kinks and needs don't fit with mine. He has a hard time having sex in a "vanilla" way at all; he seems to need to either full-on dominate, which he knows is against my agreements with Hubby, or to be dominated, which is something I'm beyond uncomfortable doing.

I talked a little with Hubby about this. Although he likes Guy as a person, Hubby said he's concerned about my safety--or, more accurately, my *perception* of safety--if I continue seeing Guy, and said he thinks I should end that relationship. I agree, but I'm a little afraid to tell Guy it's over... and the fact that I'm afraid of that is even more reason it should end.
 
I talked more with Hubby this morning about the Guy situation, including what happened on Saturday that left me feeling very scared and uncomfortable.

Long story short, as I said a post or two ago, Guy has kinks that do not fit with anything I'm into. Saturday, he wanted something that fit one of his kinks, and when I said I wasn't willing to do it, he pushed the buttons he knew would set me off and make me angry enough to do it anyway. I lost my temper with him, which made me lose control enough to do what he wanted.

That's what I was meaning about him bringing out the side of myself I try to keep under wraps. And it's been messing with my head, because while Guy manipulated me into doing it, I keep blaming myself for it. Should have left, should have kept saying no, should have held onto my temper better, etc. He didn't *force* me, he just pushed me too far.

I can't reconcile that kind of behavior from Guy with the man I've thought I knew for the past year and a half, so I put the blame on myself for not doing a better job of either saying "no" or keeping my temper. And I didn't want to tell Hubby about it, because part of me was afraid he'd be angry with Guy, and part was afraid he'd be angry with *me*.

But this morning, I was supposed to go see Guy, and was planning to bring up all of this... and ended up having such a bad anxiety attack I couldn't leave the house. I canceled with Guy, curled up in bed with Hubby for comfort...and it all came out.

Hubby told me over and over that it wasn't my fault. That yeah, I could have walked out or tried harder to stop what was going on...but that Guy shouldn't have put me in a position where I needed to do that in the first place, especially since Guy knows what has happened to me in the past.

Hubby said now that he knows the whole story, as far as he's concerned, Guy has lost trust and therefore should lose the privilege of being alone with me. Especially since now, I actually have a specific reason to be afraid. If Guy wouldn't take "I don't want to do that" as an answer for me doing something to him, he might not take it as an answer if he wants to do something to me that I don't want, and I can't take that risk. I might be overreacting based on my past, but Hubby agrees that I would be risking more than *he* is comfortable with me risking, and he's my reality check on things like this.

Guy has been good to me, and he has helped me cope with a lot of my own issues as well as with issues I've had with Hubby, some of which is detailed in this blog. Because of that, and because I know he's been hurt in the past, part of my brain keeps trying to make this my fault, or to make it an unnecessary overreaction. But Hubby says what Guy has done in the past doesn't change what he's said and done recently, and that while the past might give me reason to forgive Guy and maybe not completely cut ties with him, the present is more than enough reason to keep a distance between us and not see Guy alone, if at all.

Hubby was on his way to falling asleep, so he said we would talk more about it this afternoon when he gets up, when he's more awake and has had time to process what I told him. I'm going to ask him if he thinks I should tell Guy specifically what's going on, or just tell him that I need space for a while, or just not communicate with him. (I don't like the not communicating option, because that isn't me...but the part of me that's afraid thinks it's the best choice.)

However it gets handled, though, the relationship is over, at least for now. We might be able to salvage some kind of friendship out of it, but because he chose not to respect my boundaries even when I clearly stated them, I don't think I'll ever be able to trust him enough again to be even a close friend, let alone a girlfriend anymore. Maybe with time that will change, but right now, I don't think so.
 
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