Charting Our Course

Hubby and I didn't get to follow up on yesterday's discussion until this morning. He said he thinks I should be honest with Guy: clearly state to Guy what he did, and what I did as a result, that is causing problems for me, and that I need time and space to process it and would prefer not to see Guy while I'm working on that.

I haven't communicated with Guy since I texted him yesterday morning to cancel going to see him, and I'm hoping he won't call or text me today because I need time to "rehearse" in my head how to talk to him about this without getting upset or accusatory.

Yesterday afternoon as I was driving to my 16-year-old's school to pick her up from a club meeting, I was wishing I could see S2, partly because being around him makes me feel calmer for whatever reason, and partly because I needed to remind myself that I can still trust *him* now that I've found I can't completely trust Guy. I thought about texting S2 and asking if we could get together after he got out of work, but decided against it because Hubby was home (although Hubby doesn't actually spend much time with me even when he is home) and because S2 and I had just seen each other Sunday and had plans to meet for lunch today.

I picked up kiddo, drove home, parked the car...and checked my phone to find a text from S2, that he had *just* sent, asking if we could get together.

At first Hubby considered asking me to stay home, but then realized that he would be sitting downstairs at his computer not interacting with me, as usual on his nights off, and he knew I needed as much emotional support as I could get, so it didn't make sense to him to say he didn't want me to go out.

I was glad I went to S2's. After he got home from work--about two hours after he texted me, about half an hour before I got there--he found a letter in the mail from his 9-year-old son about how much he (the son) misses his dad and wishes the family was still together. That pretty much stabbed S2 in the heart. He misses his sons like crazy, and hates seeing either of them hurting. He's usually the strong silent type when it comes to dealing with hurt or stress, but he opened up to me on his feelings about that letter, and I was able to support him for a change.

I also took what to me was the risk of telling him a little of what was going on with Guy, because S2 could tell I was upset about something and I felt like if I tried not to talk about it, it would just hang over me the entire time I was with him. I didn't give him details; I just said Guy had pushed a boundary that I'd said I didn't want pushed, and because of it I'm not going to be spending time alone with Guy and will likely end the relationship. He was very supportive and caring, and immediately changed the subject when I said I wanted to talk and think about happy things.

Seeing S2 hurting about the letter from his son was hard; I hate seeing anyone hurting, especially someone I love. And telling him about what had happened with Guy was even harder. But I feel like last night was a huge building block in our relationship, because we each opened up to the other more than we had before.

And he played his guitar for me... I love it when he does that, because he's really talented and doesn't seem to realize how good he is.
 
Guy called yesterday morning after I posted. I answered the phone because I don't like having things hanging over me, so I thought it would be best to talk to him about what happened Saturday and how I've been feeling. Not to mention the fact that I've been dealing with anxiety attacks and triggers since then.

It didn't go especially well. I tried to stay calm, but he kept blocking what I was trying to say, and not being allowed to speak sets me off. So I ended up in tears, of course. And he kept saying things that made me feel scared and/or guilty, like "Well, I guess I don't have a choice about giving you time to get over this" and "This is just like the last time I told a woman I loved her."

That last one is complete and utter bullshit. Last time he told a woman he loved her, she got upset because she barely got to see him due to his traveling and trying to spend time with his kids. She broke up with him, then begged him to take her back--then posted on Facebook that she was engaged to someone else.

Me telling him that his actions and behavior on Saturday set off a part of me that I don't let out because it scares me is hardly the same fucking thing as playing mind games with him...but I felt like he was playing mind games with me and trying to guilt trip me. Especially when I demanded to know how I was like that woman, and he said, "I never said you were like her."

Part of the problem is I am complete and utter crap when it comes to dealing with conflicts, so the more he sounded angry and hurt, the more I tried to soften things or backtrack. And I hate that about myself. Best Friend and Hubby both said that yeah, maybe I hurt Guy by telling him all that, but I was being honest and I have the right to say how I feel and to protect myself from feeling that way in the future. If Guy was hurt by my bringing this up to try to fix it or at least salvage some kind of friendship, that sucks, but on the other hand if he hadn't crossed that line on Saturday, we wouldn't have been having the discussion yesterday.

He told me he's intense sexually, and that he'd always held it back with me so he wouldn't hurt or scare me, but that he went with it this time because I told him when I visited him that he didn't have to treat me like I was breakable. This was not what I meant when I said that! I was talking *physically*, not emotionally, and I thought I'd made that clear.

And regardless of how he took the "don't treat me like I'm breakable"... there is no fucking excuse for not backing off on Saturday when I said "I don't want to do this." Intense does not equal ignoring "no." Ignoring "no" equals "you don't get to be with me anymore because I can't trust you."

I told him I don't want to see him for the next several days. That I would like to talk on the phone to see if I can get back at least some of the trust I had in him, and would see him Monday or Tuesday to talk face to face. Hubby isn't happy about that idea, and told me that I should only see Guy in a public place, even if that means we can't actually have a discussion. It doesn't really matter to me; I would prefer to have a private discussion, because I already know how it's going to go. I should have just ended it with Guy yesterday, but I backed down because, as I said above, I don't do confrontation well, and when I'm faced with someone else's anger, I try to fix everything because otherwise they might hurt me.

He already has hurt me, though, and I need to make sure it doesn't happen again. I'm giving him the chance between now and the time I'm actually able to deal with seeing him face to face to persuade me otherwise, but I don't see him having any luck. And I don't want to break up with him over the phone anyway; to me, that's taking the chicken way out.

Might ask Hubby to go with me when I see him, though... Hubby has Monday and Tuesday off, and given that I would be seeing Guy in the morning and Hubby tends to stay up until 8 or 9 a.m. on his days off, that might be a good way to handle it. Not necessarily have Hubby *present* for the discussion, but just have him waiting in the lobby or the car, on notice that if I'm not back within X amount of time, to go to Guy's room to make sure I'm okay. And at least then, Hubby would be nearby to help me through the aftermath...
 
Hubby and I have spent quite a bit of time over the past couple of days talking about the Guy situation. In part about how Guy responded to the ending of his last long-term relationship, and how he credits me with helping him get past that even though a year and a half passed between the ending of that relationship and the time he met me.

I don't like hurting others. And because of that I don't always look out for my own best interests. Hubby says that's one of the things he loves about me, but on the other hand, if I'm not looking out for myself, he's going to.

We agreed that, if Guy can accept it, Guy can continue to be part of my life as a PLATONIC friend. No "happy naked fun times." I can't trust him enough for that. Not that that will be particularly relevant after October 17 anyway, since he's only in my area until then. Hubby says under no circumstances is he okay with there being any type of physical relationship with Guy--which is fine, because I'm not okay with that either.

Guy and I haven't spoken (meaning actual voice speaking) since Wednesday morning when he called. He sent me a "good morning" text yesterday but that was it; and he and I had a text conversation this morning. I've decided--with Hubby's agreement--that I don't want to wait until Monday or Tuesday to discuss this with Guy; I want to just get it over with. So I'm going to see him a bit later. I told him that the biggest condition of me seeing him today is that *I* control how things go, and that they go according to *my* comfort level. He agreed with that, and with me saying I'm going to bring along some career-planning work I'm doing so that I have a distraction.

I'm not sure I'm even okay with being platonic friends with him, and our amount of contact is going to decrease. But it's the only compromise I can reach between not wanting him in my life at all and not wanting to devastate him the way his last girlfriend did.
 
So... that could have been worse.

Yesterday, I planned to see Guy at 1. I told Hubby to text me at 3 to make sure everything was okay.

I wasn't exactly gentle with Guy, because I needed him to fully comprehend what he'd done. I told him I'd been having panic attacks since last Saturday. That I had a full-on meltdown in bed with Hubby because Hubby touched me in a way Guy had touched me during that incident.

I told him that I don't want to cut him out of my life completely, but that there's no way I'm ever going to be comfortable sexually with him again.

He cried. Said he was sorry, he hadn't realized he was pushing me but had thought he was just encouraging me. Said he loves me and never meant to hurt me, and that he knows that no matter how much he might wish it, things between him and me are never going to be the same again. Said he knew he'd f'ed up the best thing in his life.

I hated seeing him hurting, because I hate seeing anyone hurting, but at the same time, he brought this on himself. As I said to him, he KNOWS my history, and because of that, the moment I said "I don't want to", that should have been the end of it. But it wasn't, and this is the result.

By the time Hubby texted, Guy and I had talked a lot and were at an okay point. I told Hubby that and asked if I could have my boat ride, and Hubby said yes and that Guy could come too if he wanted.

Hubby said hello to Guy like his long-lost brother, which I guess they kind of have been to each other. We went on the boat ride, and then Guy went back to his hotel. Hubby told me he's glad things worked out because he and I both knew Guy hadn't done this deliberately to harm me, and Guy's someone good for me to talk to.

I don't think I'll be able to talk to Guy the way I used to, though. I don't trust him enough anymore. And I don't think he'll be able to be as emotionally supportive as before, because his interactions with me are always going to be colored by his knowledge of how badly he hurt me.

So yeah... my signature is accurate; he and I are friends, but that's it. That's all I can manage with him after this, and it's probably for the best.

After the emotional roller coaster ride with Guy yesterday, I wasn't feeling especially happy... But S2 texted me a pic of his 5-year-old son, and that cheered me up some.
 
Planning a renegotiation talk with Hubby in reference to S2.

If I remember right, given that it's been over a year since it was applicable so I may have forgotten details, Hubby and I agreed that it would be acceptable for me to go out one weeknight during the weeks my 16-year-old is home (i.e. all weeks except Christmas break, April break, and part of summer break).

I want the option of 2 weeknights available to spend with S2, at least during the weeks following his visitation weekends with his sons since we can't see each other during those weekends. I've already told Hubby that on weeknights, I will be home around midnight, which is easy to stick to given that S2 has to get up at 5:30 for work the next day, so that would continue. It would just be two weeknights during two weeks of the month, and still one weeknight during the other two weeks.

The other piece I want to renegotiate will be more difficult. Hubby has been sticking solidly to his "no overnights" rule. Which, to be fair, was something I had initially agreed to in large part because it's hard for me to sleep around someone else or in an unfamiliar place.

I've so far been able to negotiate that to "It's okay to fall asleep at S2's if too tired to drive home safely, but still have to be home by morning."

That isn't what I want now. S2 and my relationship has progressed differently from what I'm used to, and partly because of that and partly just because he's him, I *can* sleep with him in the literal sense. I can fall asleep when he's holding me, even though I still struggle to manage that with Hubby.

And S2 and I have yet to define what our relationship is... but I feel like there's a lot there. We aren't only having sex. We aren't only spending an evening or two a week together and then going our separate ways. He's already introduced me to some of his friends. He's met one of my kids and will be meeting the other this weekend. He's talked about introducing me to his kids. He has told people in his life that I exist.

When I spent time in person with Guy, part of me always felt like "Okay, when do I get to go home?" When I spend time with S2, I feel like I AM home.

Because of that, I want to be able to spend nights with him. Not all the time. Definitely not on weeknights. Just on the weekends when the 16-year-old isn't here, if it's a weekend S2 and I are seeing each other anyway. (We see each other on the weekends when he doesn't have his kids; usually those are the weekends when my daughter's with her dad, but sometimes school events and activities result in us having to rearrange those visits.)

It's going to be very difficult to get Hubby to agree. He gets upset even about the idea of me sleeping at S2's for an hour or two so I can drive home safely. But at this point... Hubby isn't often home overnight. When he is, he's at his computer reading or watching videos until early morning. I'm sleeping ALONE here almost every single night. So as far as I can tell, his only basis for not "allowing" me to spend nights with S2 is so he can let himself believe he has control over me and my other relationship. So he can say "Look what a good girl my wife is, she does what I tell her."

Which is bullshit, and after the experience with Guy, I'm not in the mood to do what anyone tells me, not even Hubby. He's my Dom only when we're in scene; the rest of the time, we're complete equals. And he doesn't have the right to tell me I can or can't. He has the right to tell me his *preferences and opinions*, but not to give or deny permission for shit. And he has said that himself.

I'm not sure why spending nights with S2 has become so important to me, but it has. I want that with S2. And that's what I need to try to get through to Hubby. It's important to *me*, it will make *me* happy, and at the most, I'm only asking for two nights a month.

The "no overnights" agreement was made when we were operating under the open marriage model, because neither of us felt it was right to spend a full night with a fuck-buddy or FWB. But S2 is more than that to me, and I think he and I both deserve to be able to have at least a couple nights a month together.
 
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So I had the "agreements adjustment" discussion with Hubby this afternoon. It was pretty anticlimactic:

Me: "I think we'd agreed previously that I could go out on one weeknight when 16-year-old is here. I would like to adjust that so that during the weeks that end with a kid weekend (i.e. a weekend when S2 has his sons), I can go out two weeknights."

Hubby: "I have no problem with that."

Me: "On the weekends when 16-year-old isn't home, I would like the option of spending a night with S2. It would be a maximum of two nights per month, and sometimes less because 16-year-old will sometimes be staying home due to school activities."

Hubby: "I'm not usually home on weekend nights anyway, so you aren't taking time away from me. So I have no problem with that."

That was it.

I saw S2 last night and it was awesome. He's becoming very invested in my writing career, to the point of offering suggestions for side projects that might bring in more than my regular published stuff, and of offering to write some songs for me to use in promotion videos for my published books.

And we talked about us, somewhat. About how close we've become, and how there's no chance at all of me being too "pushy" about spending time with him. We still haven't said "I love you", but we've said things to each other that are pretty much that sentiment in different words.

We're going to be together all day and most of the night Saturday; I can't spend the night with him until the beginning of November, though (assuming he actually is okay with me doing so), because the only weekend in October that 16-year-old will be gone is a weekend S2 has his sons. But at least it's an option now, and that makes me happy.
 
Had lunch today with S2. It was meant to be just a walk, because he's paid biweekly and this is pay week, which means he's brown-bagging his lunches, but he said he hadn't had time to eat his bagged lunch before leaving the office to meet me, so he treated me to lunch at a restaurant.

We had a great talk about my writing, because he's become interested in my career and in giving me ideas and suggestions for improving it. He isn't a writer, but he's a musician/songwriter, so even though he doesn't have a complete handle on writing books for publication he at least understands creative enterprises.

And I told him about the agreement changes I'd negotiated with Hubby. When I said that on weekends when 16-year-old is gone I can stay out overnight, he said, "It's interesting you should mention that, because I was thinking about sometime this winter, visiting this place in upstate New York I've been wanting to see."

He never actually asked me to go with him...
 
I was so upset about this yesterday that I couldn't even blog about it...

I wanted to maintain a friendship with Guy. He seemed to understand that. I didn't hear from him most of this week, and that was a good thing. I chatted with him via instant messaging a little on Tuesday and Wednesday; Tuesday I said that if he wanted to see me, I would try to go on Wednesday, but then my schedule got messed up on Wednesday so I ended up not going. I told him I would go Friday (yesterday).

It was a big mistake. I felt awkward and uncomfortable as soon as I got there, and he kept staring at me. Just staring. I tried to keep the conversation light, and he tried to follow along, but mostly he stared.

And then he asked for a hug, which I was fine with--until he started crying. Saying he doesn't want things to change between us even though he knows they have. Saying he knows he screwed things up and wishes he could fix it. Saying that even though he was glad to see me, it was hard for him.

I wish I hadn't gone. He and I have always had a strong friendship component to our relationship, and I was naive enough to think that would carry over through the destruction of the rest. But I don't think it can.

I told him if he wants to talk to me, he can talk to me. If he wants to see me, he can ask. If he *doesn't* want to see me because it's too difficult for him, he can say so. And then I had to leave, partly because I couldn't take any more of the crying and pleading and mostly because I hadn't eaten anything all day and it was almost noon.

I thought I was okay. I went to one of my favorite thrift shops and found a cute shirt and pair of skinny jeans that need a bit of repair, but new they were from one of my favorite stores and would have cost about $60-70, and I paid $6 for them, which seemed reasonable even with a small hole under the back pocket. Then I went to lunch, then headed home.

When I got near home, I decided to call Hubby, who should have been at work by that time, to see if I could stop by the workplace for a hug. He said he wasn't at work yet and wouldn't be for nearly half an hour because he was running a couple of errands first.

I burst into tears and pretty much didn't stop crying for the rest of the afternoon. It wasn't because Hubby wasn't immediately available to me. It was because of Guy, and having Hubby say he wasn't available set me off because I'd been counting on a hug from him to help me keep holding myself together.

I went to see Hubby a little later and told him what had happened. He held me, even though his uncle and another employee were there, and said that he understands why I wanted to keep a friendship with Guy, but that it's probably better, at least for now, if I let it go and give Guy and me both time to heal. Which I know is right, and really wish I'd realized before.

I overate yesterday because comfort food, which sucks because I'd lost 3 pounds this week and gained half of that back yesterday. But today I'll be doing a lot of walking, and I'll be more mindful about what I eat. I'll be spending the day with S2, which hopefully will help me get my mind on more positive things. (The weight loss is necessary... I'm not hugely overweight, but I'm about 25-30 pounds over my "ideal" weight according to my doctor, and about 5-10 pounds over my "comfortable" weight where the extra pounds don't start causing health problems. Then again, the weight itself is caused by health problems, so it's kind of a catch-22.)
 
Yesterday, I felt really "off" for want of a better word.

I know it's mostly the residual energy from the visit to Guy on Friday, but yesterday morning I was just plain angry at everything. I was trying to keep my mind on the fact that I would be spending the entire day with S2, but anger and depression kept sneaking in. And when I got to the fairgrounds where S2 and I were supposed to meet, he texted to say he'd parked and was waiting for me in the parking lot where I'd specifically told him NOT to meet me... I muttered under my breath and swore a lot as I walked down to meet him, but once I saw him I put a smile on my face.

And once he hugged me--and for the first time ever *kissed* me in a public place (he's usually just the one-armed-hug type in public)--I felt a lot happier, though still off.

Part of the offness, aside from the energy wonkiness, was the weather and my health; it was a rainy, cloudy, not warm day, and my fibromyalgia was acting up, and I'd had to get up at 5:30. So I was kind of groggy and in pain, and trying to hide the pain from S2 because he worries when he sees that I'm hurting.

But we spent a few hours walking around the fair, and watched the parade. He met my 16-year-old; she didn't seem to think much about him one way or the other, and he said from the little interaction they had, she seems like an awesome kid. We were planning to stay most of the day, but it kept raining and we were both tired (he'd been up late the night before at a benefit show that a couple of his band's back up dancers were in), so we only stayed until about 12:30, just long enough to wait for my kiddo to get back from her lunch break so we could tell her we were leaving and remind her that Hubby would be picking her up.

We went back to his place and started watching TV, but he could see how tired I was so suggested we take a nap. It was a bit amusing curling up together with our clothes on, because that isn't how it usually happens... But he held me, and once again I fell asleep in his arms. I woke briefly after about half an hour because I was about to start coughing (dry mouth), then turned over so we were spooning and went back to sleep for nearly an hour and a half longer.

When we got up, we went to a friend's barbecue for a while (despite the rain; she had canopies over most of her yard, and most people stayed in her house anyway), then back to his place, where things happened and then I dozed again for a bit, and he completely fell asleep but woke up when I got up to leave. I think he wished I could have spent the night, and I know I did, but since 16-year-old was home, that wasn't an option.

He asked me to text him when I got home. He's never done that before.

I was worried today, again for no reason except my own damn insecurity about that woman he's gone camping and kayaking with. Last night at the barbecue, she asked him if he wanted to go hiking today. He told me he doesn't think she's interested in him as anything more than an outdoor activity companion, and all day today I kept trying to remind myself of that, and of the fact that she asked him in front of me, which she probably wouldn't have done if she'd had ulterior motives.

He texted me tonight and said they went for their hike and then he went to visit his mom and a friend. I saw her in the chat room and asked her about the hike; she said it was what they both needed, relaxation and exercise, and that I should try hiking sometime.

Back a while I said something about feeling jealous and insecure about Betty... the feeling I have about this woman is the same as that, even though I know I have no reason for it. Though Hubby's responses back when I was worried about S2 going camping with the woman didn't help; Hubby never complimented Betty, but he said at the time of the camping trip, and again today when I asked him to say something to snap me out of the worry, that this other woman is cute and sexy and very pretty.

Hubby really needs to pull his foot out of his mouth before he chokes himself...

I tried to talk to Hubby a little earlier to get myself out of the funk, and after a couple of minutes he said, "I love you" and stopped answering my texts. I think the only thing I'm going to miss about Guy is having someone I can talk to long enough to process things that are upsetting or worrying me, because Hubby is very rarely willing to actually listen, and even when he is, he usually starts getting pissy after five minutes or so, whereas Guy was able to hang in and listen no matter how long I needed to talk.

But... having that isn't worth trying to force myself to let go of what Guy did to me, and I can't go back to what he and I had even if it means I don't have anyone to talk to.
 
I confronted Hubby about what he said. His response was, "Well, what do you want me to do, lie and say you're prettier and sexier than she is?"

Um, yeah. That does NOT make it better.

I said, "How would you feel if I told you someone had a bigger cock than you?" He said, "I wouldn't care, because I already know there are men with bigger cocks than mine."

I have no m-f-ing clue how his brain works. How he can actually think that way and believe it's okay to tell someone they're right to feel inferior to someone else, especially when the someone saying it is the wife he claims to be in love with. He should be building me up, not making me feel even crappier than I already feel.

I told him I don't want him to lie, but complimenting the person I'm telling him I feel inferior to is complete bullshit. He shouldn't be complimenting her. He should be complimenting ME when I tell him that I feel like I'm not as good (or as pretty, or as sexy, or whatever) as another woman.

I told him instead of saying "You're right, she is sexier," he could have said, "Well, you're sexy too, and I bet you're a lot more fun in bed," or something like that.

He said he would try. I guess I'm going to have to accept that.

Wanted to see S2 last night, because I'm still struggling with anger and hurt from other stuff, but he'd had a crap day at work and wasn't up for company. He and I texted back and forth for a couple of hours, though, which helped. Hoping to be able to see him tonight; I asked him last night if we could do tonight instead and he said he would get back to me.

In my current frame of mind, not knowing something like that in advance is making things harder than it would at a better time, and I'm worried that he's just going to keep blowing me off and we won't see each other at all this week, since this weekend is one of his kid weekends. But I also know that it's my current frame of mind making me think that, and that if nothing else, he'll be willing to get together with me over his lunch break one day this week like we've done every week for the past month or more.

19-year-old got what might be bad news today: Her cardiologist says her heart has thickened. It might not be anything serious, but it might be an early symptom of cardiomyopathy, a heart condition which runs in her dad's family and has killed two of her uncles. We're hoping for the best, and reminding ourselves that she has a third uncle who has the condition but has been asymptomatic (other than an enlarged heart) since he was diagnosed 30 years ago, and that the cardiologist doesn't want to see her until a year from now, which means the doc probably isn't too worried.
 
Because it never rains without pouring...

Yesterday afternoon, I hadn't heard from S2 about whether we could get together, so I got in the car and headed in his general direction. (It was rush hour. At that time of day, it can take up to an hour and a half to make the normally-40-minute drive from my home to his, so I wanted to get moving in case he did want to see me, and figured I could run a couple of errands in that area if he didn't.) Before I left, I texted him to ask if we were getting together.

He didn't answer, so when I got to the town before his, I stopped at a rest area and texted again asking if he'd gotten my previous message. He texted back saying, "Not until just now. I have potentially bad news. I'll call you soon."

So I sat in the rest area parking lot in tears, because "potentially bad news" can mean so many things, and I was still shaky from hearing about my daughter's heart problem, and from all the other shit that's been going on.

And then S2 called. And told me he was afraid he has an STD and had just come from the doctor, where he'd been tested and told he would have to wait until Friday or Monday for the results.

A couple weeks ago, when he went out with the other woman I mentioned, he had sex with her. Which he didn't tell me. Worse, he had UNPROTECTED sex with her because, although he had a condom on hand, she told him he didn't need it.

He was a fucking idiot. Thinking with his dick.

I'm upset that he didn't tell me he'd had unprotected sex with someone else, when he knew that the only reason he and I fluid bonded was because at that time, he HADN'T had sex--protected or not--with anyone since his ex-wife. He SHOULD have told me, in my opinion, but we hadn't agreed that he would. But he SHOULD have, because now he has put Hubby and me at risk as well.

He doesn't know, and won't know, for sure until he gets the test results back. His only symptom is that when he finished urinating, he feels like there's more urine in there, and that could be a symptom of other things than an STD. I haven't noticed anything unusual or concerning, but I'm going to call my doctor as soon as I finish typing this (the office just opened) and get in there today to be tested myself. Hubby is choosing not to be tested unless I test positive for something, because he hates doctors.

Hubby's furious with S2, understandably so. Despite my trust issues, though, I'm *not* angry with him. I'm upset about him not telling me he'd had unprotected sex with the other woman, and I'm hurt that he did so on their first date, whereas when I brought up the idea of fluid bonding, well over a month after we started seeing each other, he said it was too soon. (Though we fluid bonded a week later.)

I did end up going to S2's. He hadn't wanted me to come over until he spoke to me on the phone, because he believed I would be furious with him and would end the relationship, and it was less painful for him to deal with it by phone than face to face if that turned out to be the case. But I told him this isn't something he did deliberately, and because of that and because he was honest with me as soon as he realized there might be a problem, I can forgive him this time. He was astonished that I wasn't telling him to go fuck himself.

We talked more at his place. I made it clear to him that until we're sure everything's okay, and until we've rebuilt trust, we're going back to using condoms. I also told him that from now on, if he sleeps with someone else, I need to know, and that if he and I aren't using condoms, I need him to use them with ANYONE else he sleeps with, regardless of what they tell him. He agreed.

But he also said that he feels that the other woman lied to him (though I pointed out that he doesn't know for sure yet whether she passed anything to him, so he shouldn't assume she lied just yet), and that as far as he's concerned right now, he wants to be monogamous with me. He told me that I'm one of the best things that's happened to him in a while, and that even his ex-wife, with whom he got along wonderfully, wasn't as compatible with him as I am. And that when he realized something might be wrong, he was terrified of losing me, because even after only a few months, he can't imagine his life without me.

The one good thing--which he found darkly amusing because it took this really shitty situation to make it happen--was that as I was trying to reassure him that I wasn't ending the relationship, I blurted out what I'd been trying not to say because I didn't want to scare him off: "I love you." And he said it back.
 
To clarify from last post (because I realized I messed it up too late to change it): The other woman S2 had unprotected sex with was the one he went on a first date with a couple weeks ago, NOT the one he's gone hiking, camping, etc. with. He has NOT had sex with the outdoor-activity woman.

Went to the clinic. Got tested. Now have to wait a full week before I'll know anything. They said they'll be able to call me next Wednesday if I'm positive for anything, and that if they *don't* call me next Wednesday, that means I'm clean.

They also said that the one symptom S2 says he has is NOT a symptom of any STDs. They said if he felt burning when urinating, it might be, but if he just feels like his bladder isn't completely empty, which is what he said, it's most likely a UTI or some other condition.

So that's kind of a relief. Now I just have to ride out the storm of Hubby wanting to strangle S2, which means I probably can't mention S2 to Hubby, which sucks because with Guy out of the picture, Hubby's the one I would talk to.

Meanwhile, just for the fun of it, I checked out S2's profile on AFF tonight. (I like reading it; it's humorous and I always smile even though I've read it before.) When I scrolled down to his stats, I noticed a change: For "Marital Status", it had always said "Separated," but now it says "Attached."

I texted him and said, "So you're attached now?" He said, "Yeah, I met this really cool person. She's an author and likes cider." (When we went to the fair the other day, we bought a jug of apple cider from 16-year-old's school's stand.)

That gave me the biggest smile I've had in a few days.
 
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I need to give outdoor-activity woman a name, I guess, because she's good friends with S2 and seems to be making an effort to become friends, or at least friendly, with me. And so I don't keep calling her "the woman" and confusing myself and anyone who reads this blog... Since she likes being outdoors, and she and S2 both told me about the foliage they saw on their hike Sunday, I'm gonna call her Maple.

She and I were friends years ago, but then she started backstabbing...Last year, when I tried to throw a birthday party for Hubby and set it up as a "meet and greet" with the chat group, Maple and another woman were the ones who set up a "meet and greet" in another part of the state and told everyone to go to theirs instead of mine. (The only people who showed up for mine, other than Hubby and me, were Best Friend and another female friend of ours.)

But she and I did get along in the past, and she knows S2 and I are together, so I think she's making an effort to be a decent person because she thinks highly of him. Sort of a "If you're good enough for him, you're good enough for me" thing, I guess.

The past couple of days she's been talking to and even joking around with me in chat, and it's been nice. I don't like being at odds with people, especially when there's no reason for it that I can determine. (I know why *I* had issues with *her*; I still don't know what her problem was with me.)

S2 knows my history with her, and I admitted to him when I saw him Tuesday night that I feel insecure about her because of her looks. I also told him what Hubby said, that I was right to feel insecure about Maple because she's "cuter and sexier" than I am.

S2 took my hand and said, "No. She isn't. You're cuter and sexier."

Whether or not he meant it (though he very well may have; I'm more S2's physical type than Maple is, though she's very definitely Hubby's physical type), it was nice to hear that.
 
S2 got his test results back tonight. All negative, thank God. I called Hubby immediately to let him know, and he's relieved as well. Still kinda pissed about the situation, but at least he knows we can relax.

I had lunch with him today. At the end of it, I took him aside (as much out of hearing as one can get in downtown Boston) and told him that I was a little hurt about him having unprotected sex with the other woman on their first date after telling me that a month and a half into our relationship was "too soon." He said he was sorry for hurting me. I also told him that Hubby was angry, but would get over it because he understood that S2 had made a stupid mistake. And I said I know stupid mistakes happen, and you forgive them...but it had better never happen again.

But other than the serious note--which wasn't even the complete ending; we chatted for a few minutes afterward because I wanted to end the date with some joking and positivity--it was a lot of fun. He took me shoe browsing, mainly because he wants to buy me a pair of either good walking sneakers or hiking boots so we can go hiking next year, but also because he wanted to let me look at other shoes. I'm not a shoe-aholic like some women I know, but it is fun seeing the styles that are out there, and it was entertaining walking through shoe stores with him.
 
I am officially going to smack myself if I bring up the damn condom issue with S2 one more time. I've told him I need him to use a condom with any other partner he has as long as he and I are together. He agreed. I've told him that Hubby was upset about the situation but that Hubby and I both get that this was a stupid--albeit potentially dangerous--situation.

I tend to get "stuck" on things sometimes, and this is one of those times. Every time I've seen him since Tuesday, I've brought it up. He's feeling guilty and pissed off at himself more than enough as it is, and it isn't fair for me to keep bringing it up. He knows he shouldn't have had unprotected sex with the other woman, and he's stated publicly (on AFF at least) that he and I are together. And he's stated to me that he will use condoms in the future, assuming he even sees anyone else anymore, which he's strongly leaning toward not doing.

So...subject needs to be closed. This is my lecture to myself. At this point, me mentioning it is only causing him more pain, and that isn't okay with me.

Yesterday, he had a family emergency. His ex-wife's girlfriend collapsed, and although she came to, she continued losing consciousness then waking up, then repeat. S2's ex had to call an ambulance, which brought the gf to Boston even though there are hospitals closer to where they live. As of last night, they believed she'd had at least one heart attack; I haven't heard anything further from S2, though he said he would keep me posted.

It's S2's weekend with his sons, and usually the gf brings them to S2's place on Fridays, then he drives them home on Sundays. Because of the situation, he had to get to their place to pick up the sons, but...

He works in downtown Boston. The train ride from there to where he parks his car is an hour. On a good, low-traffic day, the drive from where he parks to his ex's apartment is an hour and a half, but yesterday was the Friday of a three-day weekend, and traffic was insane. He wouldn't have been able to make the drive in under two hours, and it probably would have taken well over that--and he couldn't leave work until 3:30 but had to pick up his sons before 6 because their babysitter couldn't stay any later.

So I offered to drive him to get them, then take him to get his car.

I'm not supposed to drive as much as I did yesterday; it puts too much strain on me. (This is my doctor's orders, not me whining.) But I knew there was no other way he would be able to get his sons in time. If I'd been the passenger, it wouldn't have been so bad, but he has to wear glasses to drive, and he keeps his glasses in his car because driving is the only time he wears them.

The driving--and today's pain--was worth it to help him, though. And I got to meet his sons, something he and I had discussed but he was holding off on it because they're adjusting to a lot of changes and he didn't want to throw a new person into the mix. They're 9 and 6 years old, and as I think I've mentioned, the younger one is autistic.

But both boys seemed to like me; the 6-year-old even hugged me a few times. And the 9-year-old was impressed to meet a "real author" and talked to me about books and video games he likes. I had dinner with them at S2's place, because he wanted to cook for me to thank me for helping out, and it was nice.

Honestly, it felt right being there with him and the boys. At home, we don't do family meals; someone is always either not home, not interested in what's been cooked, or not hungry at the same time as everyone else. I tried to make it so we had at least 3-4 family meals a week, but it failed miserably and ended up with people arguing with each other, so I gave up. So sitting down to dinner with S2 and his sons (although "sitting down" was a relative term with the 6-year-old) was really cool.

And I was honored that he was willing to have me meet them and spend so much time with them. And that apparently his ex was willing as well; he said he had to check with her before he accepted my offer to drive him.

S2's place has become home to me, just as much as my apartment with Hubby and my kids is. And he and I are becoming a huge part of each other's lives. This is what I thought polyamory would be, and as long as it works for everyone involved, it's amazing.
 
Woke up this morning to a Yahoo message from Guy saying that he'd read some posts of mine on Facebook that clearly meant that I hadn't forgiven him for the incident a few weeks ago, and that obviously apologizing to me and loving me wasn't enough for us to even have a friendship, because I'd lied to him about forgiving him.

I'm an author. I have a Facebook for each of my two pen names. On those Facebooks, I post "questions of the day" designed to get interaction with my readers. This past week, a couple of the questions were about forgiveness. Things like "Is there anything you wouldn't be able to forgive someone for?"

I was dealing with the concept of forgiveness a lot this past week between what happened with Guy and the unprotected sex situation with S2. And those questions came from BOTH situations.

But Guy assumed that they were about him, and said that he wishes me the best and that we won't be speaking anymore. Instead of bothering to ASK ME what the fucking posts were about, he used them as an excuse to end contact, because this way he can blame me instead of himself.

I told him I deserved better than having him jump to conclusions without talking to me, and that I hope he feels better now that he's made me feel as shitty as he does. I also told him that all he had to do was ask for clarification, and that the questions and posts he's talking about weren't about him, or at least not entirely.

I also sent him a message on Facebook telling me to look at my Yahoo response, and I left him a voicemail. I know he got the Facebook message. He hasn't responded.

His loss. To me, this is his way of saying he can't handle being just friends with me, so he's severing the relationship and trying to make it out like it's my fault for "lying" to him about forgiving him for what he did, instead of his fault for doing it in the first place.

Fuck him and the goddamn horse he rode in on. I don't need shit, I don't need drama, and I don't need another jackass pinning HIS FUCK UPS on ME. My first husband did more than enough of that.

Hubby and S2 know the situation, because I completely lost it when I read Guy's message and I needed support. Hubby knows exactly what Guy's message said and is angry with Guy for doing this to me; I couldn't tell S2 what the message said because I was texting him (he still has his sons, otherwise I would have called) and it was too much to type out. But S2 knows Guy pushed my "you're a liar and a shitty person" buttons.

Hubby held me and comforted me; S2 sent me a couple of funny pictures he's taken during his commutes, a pic of a trail hiking guide he wants to loan me because he's going to take me hiking next year, and a pic of his 6-year-old wearing an oversized hat, to cheer me up. He also told me not to let anyone get to me because I'm awesome.

I told Guy just a couple days ago that I wanted to try to stay in each other's life as friends, but clearly that's more than he can cope with. So the destruct button has been pushed, and he is no longer part of my life. His loss.
 
I checked both of the Facebooks that Guy had access to read posts on.

There were exactly TWO mentions of forgiveness. Both were questions of the day. One under each pen name.

Which reinforces my belief that he's just using this as an excuse to end things. Though to give him a tiny shred of benefit of the doubt, he does have depression, and I know all too well how badly depression can muck with one's perception.

Either way, he never answered the messages I sent him yesterday.

I spent yesterday in a total funk...partly sad/upset because of how that went down, partly angry with him for appearing to call me a liar and put the blame on me for the end of things, and partly angry with myself for letting him affect me so much.

Which made things wicked fun when I had to spend three and a half hours walking around a way-too-crowded fair because 16-year-old was working the cider stand again, and between traffic and the short length of her shift, there wasn't any point in me dropping her off and going back for her later. I scared the hell out of one poor old guy who tried to get me to take a string of beads (he was part of a parade, and was walking around saying, "All the pretty women must have beads!") I gave him a polite smile and said no thank you; he pushed, so I glared and said no thank you more forcefully. He backed away wide-eyed, saying "sorry" over and over.

I must look pretty frightening when I'm pissed off...

I cheered myself up a little by hanging out with an old friend whom I've known since junior high, who along with her ex-husband runs the "insulting clown" dunk tank. (She's the one whose wedding I went to back at the end of May.) And I took a picture of the elephant at the elephant ride and texted it to S2 to show his sons, and that cheered me up a bit too, especially when S2 told me his older son's reaction.

I'm feeling a lot better this morning. Sleep has given me some clarity. I think Guy needed things to completely implode in order to be able to walk away from me; he can't handle friendship with me right now, so he had to destroy things thoroughly. That's fine. If that helps him, so be it. The end had been coming for quite a while and neither of us was able to go through with it until all this happened, so it's probably for the best.

I was texting S2 a LOT yesterday, which I ordinarily wouldn't have done because he has his sons, but he knew my situation and has seen how upset I already was about Guy, so I think he understood that I just needed that contact with him. I've told him before that when I'm with him, stress just goes and hides in a cave somewhere. I stopped texting him after I sent the elephant picture, and I'm holding off on texting him until tonight, by which time he'll have dropped off the boys with their mom. I want to see S2 tomorrow night, so I need to text him tonight to find out if that's okay.

I might ask him if he'd be willing to pencil in scheduled nights together during the week, subject to change if needed; that would make things easier on my end because then I would have those days to look forward to, plus I would be able to let my kids know in advance that I wouldn't be home. 16-year-old was kind of pissed at me for not being home Friday night, even though she knew I was helping S2 because of a family emergency, because she doesn't deal well with unexpected changes in routine. If I can set it up so she knows that, say, every Tuesday and every other Thursday I'll be out, that would make things go more smoothly.
 
Yesterday, 16-year-old was completely astonished when I told her I was going to see S2. Even though I had told her the night before that I would be. She claims I never told her; but she also freely admits that she only listens to about half of what I say.

So last night, I asked S2 if he would be okay with scheduled weeknights together. I explained that it would be easier for me and would also give me something specific to look forward to, and that it would make it easier for 16-year-old since it would be a routine. He immediately agreed, and we chose the nights I mentioned in my last post. (Every Tuesday and every other Thursday.) I filled in Hubby about that when I got home, and he approved.

Hubby and S2 have agreed to meet each other. I think it's partly that they're curious about who the other is, but it's also because I told both of them it would help me be more comfortable with the situation. Now I just have to coordinate it, which will be harder with Hubby than S2 because Hubby tends to act like a two-year-old at bedtime when it comes to things like this...

S2 surprised me last night. He said he's trying to figure out how to tell his mom about me.
 
Yesterday, Hubby asked me to find out whether S2 would be free to go out to dinner with us on Friday. (Tomorrow.) S2 is, so that's going to happen.

I'm nervous. I don't care whether the two of them are friends or not, but I hope for them to at least respect and accept each other. I'm not as concerned about S2's reaction to Hubby as about Hubby's to S2, because I think Hubby somewhat sees S2 as a threat even though intellectually he knows that isn't the case.

But at least we're doing it tomorrow, so it'll be over with...

Since I renegotiated agreements with Hubby, I've been waiting to actually be able to spend a night with S2. He seems happy about the idea. It's been on hold because I agreed with Hubby that I would only stay out overnight if my 16-year-old isn't home, and that hasn't happened all month because of her school obligations. She'll be with her dad next weekend, but S2 has his sons. (Next weekend is supposed to be my weekend with 16-year-old, but we're juggling a few things because her dad has missed so much time with her this fall.)

Her next scheduled "dad weekend" was Oct. 31-Nov. 2. That got bunged up because she's going on a school trip. S2 and I are going to a Halloween party on Nov. 1, and I was hoping for that to be the first night we could spend together. Then I found out that 16-year-old is coming home from her trip that morning, meaning she would be home while I was at the party with S2 and so I wouldn't be able to stay overnight with him.

But last night she told me that after she gets back from her trip, she wants to go to her dad's for the rest of the weekend. So I'll be picking her up from the airport on Nov. 1 and bringing her straight to her dad...meaning that I *will* be able to spend the night with S2 that night.

I'm nervous about that too.

I think too much.
 
Got into a fight with Hubby last night.

Since his involvement with "Betty" last year, he's stated repeatedly that he isn't particularly interested in finding another woman to play with, and definitely doesn't want to attempt polyamory. He says it would be too much hassle, and that he's completely happy with me and doesn't have time or energy for anyone else.

He went back to his second job this past week. (During the off-season at his primary job, he delivers pizzas on the side to bring in some extra money since he's on salary at the primary job and so during the summer our finances suffer.) To do the job, he has to use my car, because his truck belongs to the company he works for and is a commercial vehicle. Last night, he texted to ask if I needed the car on Halloween, because he'd been asked to cover a shift for someone else.

When I said I didn't need the car, he said, "Okay, I'll let her know I can cover her shift. It's part of my plan to ask her out on a date."

I flipped out. This was the first mention he's made of having any interest in a coworker--or ANY other woman, for that matter. And he did it via text message? A complete dick move, in my opinion.

Before I could even answer the text, he called me to ask me to respond with something like "Oh, have fun" so he could show it to this woman. I flipped out even more and told him he was a dick, and how dare he throw something like that at me in a text message. Unfortunately, even though I was in my bedroom with my door closed, my 16-year-old heard me (she claims I was yelling; I honestly wasn't, but she has wicked sensitive hearing and can hear me *whisper* in another room) tell Hubby he should have had the balls to speak to me in person. I had to reassure her that everything was fine, and then had to deal wiht her getting pissed off because I wouldn't tell her what the argument was about.

I drove down to Hubby's workplace and waited for him to get back from a delivery, because I was damn well not going to bed that angry. When he showed up, he backpedaled, claimed he doubts he'd actually ask this woman on a date, that he flirts with her because he gets bored and she flirts back. He admitted he's interested in her, but said he doesn't think she would go for it if he did ask. He also said that the reason for his request about how I answered the text was that he'd said something flirty to her and her response was "What would your wife think about that?" so he wanted to show her something to prove that he doesn't cheat on me.

He apologized and admitted he'd been inconsiderate and thoughtless. But this morning, he said last night he was a little pissed at me for being angry, because I have a "boyfriend" (I don't know what S2 is; we're not using terminology) and Hubby and I had just been texting about tonight's planned dinner with S2. He said he was irked that I "overreacted" to his text about the pizza bitch, and that I was angrier about that than he was when I told him S2 might have exposed us to an STD.

I acknowledged that my anger was out of proportion to the situation, and reminded him that I'd told him last night part of the reason for that, which has nothing to do with him, is that I'm still reeling and recovering from the situation with Guy, and I'm not really in a head space to trust ANYONE about ANYTHING right now, but I'm working on it. And I said that that wasn't an excuse for reacting more angrily than the situation called for, just an explanation. I told him my problem isn't with the idea of him seeing someone else. It's with the fact that he said it IN A FUCKING TEXT MESSAGE. I said if he can't come to me and tell me to my face that he's interested in someone else, he has no fucking business even considering dating or fucking her.

I reminded him both last night and this morning that he knows damn well I am far more insecure and fearful about our marriage than he is, and that I've told him more than once that I don't want him to think of that as a reason not to act on an attraction to someone else, I just want him to remember that I'm going to feel that way and will need him to reassure me that he isn't going to leave me for someone else or lie to me again the way he did about Betty. I also told him that if he does find a woman to "play with," as he put it, I'll be happy for him, but that he has to be honest and respectful toward me, and have the courtesy and consideration to talk to me face to face.

I don't know if he's struggling with my relationship with S2 and doesn't want to admit it, or if he's restless and bored, or both. Even if his thing with the pizza bitch is just entertaining flirtation with no intent behind it, it's out of character for him, and the fact that he admitted he is kind of wishing he had someone else to see is completely the opposite of what he's been saying to me for over a year now.

I do recognize that my jealousy isn't going to help matters, which is why I've told him that the only thing I need from him when I feel jealous is reassurance that he isn't going to leave. How I *feel* about him seeing someone else is MY problem, not his, but I do believe that if there's something he can do to help me not feel that way, or to feel less that way, I have the right to ask. I do everything I can to help him and make him comfortable with my other relationships, and I'm only asking him for the same consideration and respect that I give to him.

Given how he dumped this situation on me, I am very worried about how it would play out if he did find a "playmate." After what happened last year with Betty, and other issues he and I have had, I don't fully trust that he would be open and honest with me, which makes me reluctant to accept him having any other woman in his life. Even this morning, he was grumbling about "all the talking"...even though he has said himself many times that the only reason our marriage works, and the only way polyamory or swinging can work, is with open and honest communication.

So yeah. Now I'm on edge and feeling anxious because if he can just casually toss in a comment about dating someone else with no advance warning that he was even considering it and think I'm going to be okay with it, I have no idea if he'll respect our agreements and boundaries, or just go off and do what he wants with a big old "fuck you KC."
 
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