Closing the door on poly

C

ClockworkDragon

New member
Last night, my husband woke me up by snuggling up close, wrapping his arms around me, kissing me gently like he never does, and whispering in my ear, "I love you, Susan*" Touching me, stroking my shoulder.

Three times, over 10 minutes.

Now he was clearly asleep; he kept falling limp and snoring, but if I moved, he'd perk up and do it again.

All I could do was lie there with my heart pounding.

It hurt.

I wasn't going to say anything, but just roll into it and try to enjoy the sensation (he doesn't really do that with me anymore. We've been together 16 years, the NRE for us is long since gone.)

But he woke up then, and knew something was wrong, so I told him, "I'm not Susan."

He burst into tears. Naturally, he feels terrible. He broke up with his girlfriend this morning. He wanted to leave me. I think we've settled for now on trying monogamy, and seeing if we can patch up our broken marriage.

I don't have a lot of hope, to be honest. The reason we went poly was we loved each other, but had nothing at all in common. That's not going to change once we remove the distraction of other relationships. I'm scared that I'm still going to end up a single mom, even if we make a go of being mono.

It's been a nice distraction, at least. But it may have only delayed the inevitable.

Now, I have to figure out... how do I move on after what happened? I know it was only a dream, but still. That hurt. A lot. Not even the words, so much, but how differently he held me. Like I was someone else.

*Not her real name.
 
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Ouch. I've never felt the need to hug a total stranger before, but it sounds like you could use one.

That... Shit, I don't know what to say. I'm sorry. That's... Honestly, that's a lot of my fears and worries made manifest, right there. Nobody wants to have that happen. I hope the two of you can work things out to... Well, a happy ending, whatever form it takes.
 
billypi said:
Ouch. I've never felt the need to hug a total stranger before, but it sounds like you could use one.

That... Shit, I don't know what to say. I'm sorry. That's... Honestly, that's a lot of my fears and worries made manifest, right there. Nobody wants to have that happen. I hope the two of you can work things out to... Well, a happy ending, whatever form it takes.
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Thanks. I don't know what the future holds, but we're going to face it together no matter what. And we've promised each other no matter what, we're still each others' best friend.
 
ClockworkDragon, I'm sorry to hear you and your husband are having (had?) such a rough time with poly and what sounds like his NRE. You are clearly hurting pretty badly.

Can I ask why he broke up with *Susan? If he did it because he felt guilty for what he said to you, my heart breaks for her. She didn't make any mistakes. She didn't hurt either of you. Was there some dynamic between the two of them that made the break up necessary? I guess, as a secondary myself, I want to know she wasn't discarded.
 
I think he left his gf because his nre was making him lose a connection with his wife. He wanted to repair his relationship with his wife. And in my opinion you have no business getting involved with poly unless your current relationships are stable.

It's unfortunate gf ended up being collateral damage but that is the consequence of getting involved with people not ready to open up
 
What I feel sad about reading this whole thing is that when I go back and read all the original postings, it was you that insisted he be open to opening up and he reluctantly did.

As a former Secondary who was veto'd in the most horrifically heartbreaking way , this makes me sad for all 3 of you.

I hope things work out for you all.
 
Ugh. I felt awful just reading that. I can only imagine how you felt, and I sympathize utterly.

Sounds like you guys are on quite a roller coaster. You open up the marriage because you're not feeling connected, he falls for another woman and wants to leave you, he feels bad, breaks up with his gf, then you both decide on monogamy. Everyone seems to be acting against their feelings--you want to be poly, he loves his gf.....

I think everyone (you, hubby, and "Susan") need to take a step back, breathe, and really assess your feelings before he ends his secondary relationship, or you end your marriage. Sounds like right now no one is happy.
 
Inyourendo said:
I think he left his gf because his nre was making him lose a connection with his wife. He wanted to repair his relationship with his wife. And in my opinion you have no business getting involved with poly unless your current relationships are stable.

It's unfortunate gf ended up being collateral damage but that is the consequence of getting involved with people not ready to open up
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Unfortunately no relationship is ever "stable" and no one is ever "ready." I mean, you can be as prepped as possible. But you never really know till you experience it.

I entered into a relationship with someon who described his marriage as "perfect" who had been open for 15 years, who had a family, a house, settled, no chance of more kids or any major life changes.

And, well...you can ask me how it went. Suffice to say, "implosion" is the best way I can think of to describe it.
 
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Candiedlove said:
Unfortunately no relationship is ever "stable" and no one is ever "ready." I mean, you can be as prepped as possible. But you never really know till you experience it.

I entered into a relationship with someon who described his marriage as "perfect" who had been open for 15 years, who had a family, a house, settled, no chance of more kids or any major life changes.

And, well...you can ask me how it went. Suffice to say, "implosion" is the best way I can think of to describe it.
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When I mean steady I meant healthy. You have mutual trust and respect with your partner and have appropriate conflict resolution and communication skills. Yes even the most stable relationship can experience difficulties adjusting to poly, but the NEED to start in a place where they are equipped to deal with those things. People starting poly as a bandaid or where one partner is being guilted in going along with it rarely make it work because a lot of the Time once nre kicks in the jealous partner starts looking like the villain and the new person is the rescuers.
 
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I never take sleep talking seriously...

I feel for the poor gf she just took a HUGE risk coming out to her uber religious family that she was in a relationship with a married man. Imagine the blow back she is going through.

Smdh.
 
PaperGrace said:
ClockworkDragon, I'm sorry to hear you and your husband are having (had?) such a rough time with poly and what sounds like his NRE. You are clearly hurting pretty badly.

Can I ask why he broke up with *Susan? If he did it because he felt guilty for what he said to you, my heart breaks for her. She didn't make any mistakes. She didn't hurt either of you. Was there some dynamic between the two of them that made the break up necessary? I guess, as a secondary myself, I want to know she wasn't discarded.
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She definitely wasn't. It was the final straw, I think; she's been excessively needy. Obsessively so, in fact. Calling 6-8 times per day, and if he missed a call, she'd start ringing every number she had and sending panicky text messages wanting to know what was wrong (this is extra annoying when we were being intimate and the phone is ringing off the hook.)

Even after asking her to tone it down, she just wouldn't.

The day he broke up with her, she called the house line 15 times, left 10 hysterical voicemails, called his cell phone, left 6, text 20 times (this is not an exaggeration.) They'd been seeing each other for about 4 weeks.
 
newtoday said:
What I feel sad about reading this whole thing is that when I go back and read all the original postings, it was you that insisted he be open to opening up and he reluctantly did.

As a former Secondary who was veto'd in the most horrifically heartbreaking way , this makes me sad for all 3 of you.

I hope things work out for you all.
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Originally, yes. However, he's been the only one seriously dating at all. He is also the one who is finding he's unwilling to give it up easily. Hes taken to it like a duck to water.

He had wanted to be gentle, and continue to be friends, but she has made this completely impossible with her behavior. We went out of town yesterday, and both of us had to pretty much get rude and ask her to stop calling; she KNEW he was out of town, and she kept demanding explanations and wanting to know what the status of the relationship was.

It's just too much.
 
Dagferi said:
I never take sleep talking seriously...

I feel for the poor gf she just took a HUGE risk coming out to her uber religious family that she was in a relationship with a married man. Imagine the blow back she is going through.

Smdh.
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I feel for her too; I really do. But that doesn't change how I feel. I wouldn't have thought it would bother me (I'm genuinely not a jealous person.)

I was wrong.
 
So now that we've had some time to discuss things (an overnight trip has helped), we've decided to slow things down; rather than closing the door, we're going to take a break from actively dating, and instead just stick to talking to the two people we've been talking to recently. Part of the problem we were experiencing was that things just moved TOO fast with his girlfriend. She went from dating to OMG LOVE YOU WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU in about a week. It was.. too much.

This was just kinda the catalyst that made everything go boom.

The funny thing is, HE is the one that didn't want to give it up! While I was originally the one who wanted to be poly, who is more "Suited" to it, he has really grown to like it, and we've both gotten a lot closer as a result.

Closing the door was his kneejerk reaction. Now that we've had time to talk it over... we like how things are going, we need to just move a lot slower in the future. I'm liking this path, better.

We both like the way things are progressing with the two people we're talking to right now... building a strong friendship first. Give ourselves some time to breath, and do better about expressing misgivings in the future. I was unwilling to share my msgivings, because I didn't want to interfere in his relationship, nor seem like I was being jealous. She was bringing a LOT of intrusion, and while I'd say something if it got too bad (once when she texted him 7 times and called three times after he didn't answer the phone because we were being intimate, and she didn't even wait 30 minutes for him to call back) -- I didn't feel like I could.

IF I had, we probably could have avoided the whole blowup.

What happened with the dream triggered a major fear for him; he reacted to it more poorly than I did! I think it was the excuse he was looking for... now that we've talked it out, we're not sorry he broke up with her, but he is sorry he had to do it the way he did. Maybe in a few weeks, after she's calmed down and he's had time to get some distance, he can talk to her a little more, but honestly? Based on the way she's acted, I don't think we'll be able to maintain contact. Time will tell.

In the mean time, we're progressing carefully. And paying closer attention to red flags.
 
ClockworkDragon said:
I was wrong.
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Jealousy is part of poly, anyone who told you different misled you. It's something that you have to think about and work through.

That said, I think her behaviour is slightly terrifying, and I wouldn't want that around me. And I think coming out to her parents after a month was a poor choice. We have no plans in that direction and we're at 8 weeks with decades of freindship before that.
 
A2Poly said:
Jealousy is part of poly, anyone who told you different misled you. It's something that you have to think about and work through.
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You are so, so right! No one told me, but I deluded myself. I'm generally not a jealous person, but this was definitely an event I wasn't prepared for. I am already feeling better about it now, thankfully, especially since we have talked about everything and why it upset me, and we have a plan for how to avoid those feelings of neglect. And we both have a better idea of our boundaries, and what he needs.

That said, I think her behaviour is slightly terrifying, and I wouldn't want that around me. And I think coming out to her parents after a month was a poor choice. We have no plans in that direction and we're at 8 weeks with decades of freindship before that.
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Yeah. The coming out to her family was completely her idea, and he wasn't comfortable with it, but she insisted. She was just way too intense; he liked it, at first (he craves attention) but it started to scare him a bit! ANd me too, though I'm loathe to admit it. Though she was very welcoming and understanding of me, she clearly needed someone who can devote every moment of his time to her... not someone who is in a relationship already.
 
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I feel sorry for whoever the two of you decide to date in the future. Seems to be a lot of knee jerk reactions going on. I certainly hope they know up front that they can be jettisoned at the drop of a hat.
 
WhatToDo said:
I feel sorry for whoever the two of you decide to date in the future. Seems to be a lot of knee jerk reactions going on. I certainly hope they know up front that they can be jettisoned at the drop of a hat.
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You don't think that maybe part of it is who they choose to date, though? Sorry, but if the girlfriend really was, I want to move in/live with you the rest of my life after ONE week, I think she might be have been a little cuckoo....
 
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