Communication w/outside partner while in person time w/Hinge

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Yes, excellent questions, and ones I might ask my partner...

I really wouldn't ask those questions. Remember, it's him who also wants that contact. What if he says that he loves her so much that he wants to have that kind of frequent contact with her, and he just doesn't need it with you. That might be his truth. Do you want to hear it?

These questions are trying to gaslight the person into saying the only reason they need to do the thing you don't like is because they're weak and unhealthy. I'd dump someone who suggested those things about my other relationship(s).

@Bobbi made some good suggestions, but they would be more relevant if the Hinge was asking how they can slow down unwanted contact from one partner while with the other. That's not what is happening here. Acting as if your partner and hinge's relationship is faulty because they want a certain level of contact is a quick way to find yourself out of a relationship.

If you are serious about breaking up unless this changes, then keep pushing and eventually follow through. But if not, then it becomes problematic on your side if you keep using some vague threat of breaking up to try and make him change how he feels and acts.

 

[WestCoastRedhead]

I really wouldn't ask those questions. Remember, it's him who also wants that contact. What if he says that he loves her so much that he wants to have that kind of frequent contact with her, and he just doesn't need it with you. That might be his truth. Do you want to hear it?

These questions are trying to gaslight the person into saying the only reason they need to do the thing you don't like is because they're weak and unhealthy. I'd dump someone who suggested those things about my other relationship(s).

@Bobbi made some good suggestions, but they would be more relevant if the Hinge was asking how they can slow down unwanted contact from one partner while with the other. That's not what is happening here. Acting as if your partner and hinge's relationship is faulty because they want a certain level of contact is a quick way to find yourself out of a relationship.

If you are serious about breaking up unless this changes, then keep pushing and eventually follow through. But if not, then it becomes problematic on your side if you keep using some vague threat of breaking up to try and make him change how he feels and acts.

I guess I find it disturbing that he would say "yes" to her four phone calls when he was in person with me last. When I asked him why he said "yes", he responded with "It's not a great analogy, but essentially she was the squeakier wheel". Really? Why does that strike me as a red flag? And how much more of a squeakier wheel would I have needed to be to get him to say "no"? Yeah, disturbing. :-(

 

[MeeraReed]

I guess I find it disturbing that he would say "yes" to her four phone calls when he was in person with me last. When I asked him why he said "yes", he responded with "It's not a great analogy, but essentially she was the squeakier wheel". Really? Why does that strike me as a red flag? And how much more of a squeakier wheel would I have needed to be to get him to say "no"? Yeah, disturbing. :-(

From your other post, they were on the verge of breaking up at that time. It wasn't a normal occurrence.

I don't think it's okay that their fight impinged on his time with you. But his other option would have been to cancel his time with you to work on his issues with her...which is something hierarchical couples do all the time, but not something Pisces wanted to do in this case. So he tried to balance seeing you with maintaining/repairing his relationship with Blue.

It is kind of hard to have relationship issues that are serious enough to break up over, while also maintaining other poly relationships and being able to be present for those other relationships. Doubly so if the relationship issues are related to the other poly relationships.

I get why it bothered you, but if you fixate on that incident, you're not seeing the bigger picture.

Don't make rules about what communications should be like based on that incident. Since they had that fight, Pisces and Blue have gone on an international trip together, so maybe they've repaired some things and it won't be an issue.

 

[WestCoastRedhead]

From your other post, they were on the verge of breaking up at that time. It wasn't a normal occurrence.

I don't think it's okay that their fight impinged on his time with you. But his other option would have been to cancel his time with you to work on his issues with her...which is something hierarchical couples do all the time, but not something Pisces wanted to do in this case. So he tried to balance seeing you with maintaining/repairing his relationship with Blue.

It is kind of hard to have relationship issues that are serious enough to break up over, while also maintaining other poly relationships and being able to be present for those other relationships. Doubly so if the relationship issues are related to the other poly relationships.

I get why it bothered you, but if you fixate on that incident, you're not seeing the bigger picture.

Yes, I can appreciate why it's best to focus on the bigger picture. I guess I'm observing what appears to be him saying 'yes' to her so much that way is starting to look like a concerning, unhealthy pattern. I may request we nip this pattern in the bud.

Don't make rules about what communications should be like based on that incident. Since they had that fight, Pisces and Blue have gone on an international trip together, so maybe they've repaired some things and it won't be an issue.

I appreciate your thoughts on this - you make good points. Just fyi, their international trip was from Oct 1 - 18, and the meltdown/fight happened the subsequent week, just before he came over to see me, and it all invaded our reunion time together.

 

[MeeraReed]

Yes, I can appreciate why it's best to focus on the bigger picture. I guess I'm observing what appears to be him saying 'yes' to her so much that way is starting to look like a concerning, unhealthy pattern. I may request we nip this pattern in the bud.

I appreciate your thoughts on this. You make good points. Just fyi, their international trip was from Oct 1 - 18, and the meltdown/fight happened the subsequent week, just before he came over to see me, and it all invaded our reunion time together.

Ah, okay, so this was the fight that started after they came back from trip, when Blue was mad about the texting?

But I'm concerned about your attitude here (highlighted in bold). The way you describe this is so condescending to his relationship of a decade and so presumptuous of you, as a very new relationship in his life.

"We" nip this pattern in the bud? Why are you and Pisces the "we" and Blue is, to you, a concerning, unhealthy outsider? It makes sense that Pisces is putting effort into maintaining his long-term relationship that is going through a rough time.

I don't think you have enough context to know whether their dynamic is unhealthy or concerning. If they've been together a decade and only started fighting like this since he met you, I'm not sure it's fair for you to decide they have an unhealthy pattern. Like, Pisces knows more about his dynamic with Blue than you do.

And, if Pisces had an unhealthy pattern with his ex-wife and also has an unhealthy pattern with his decades-long partner, what are the chances that he has a healthy dynamic with you?

I don't think that your metamour conflict will get easier if you have such scorn for Blue.

I think Pisces has been a terrible hinge here. But rather than make rules for his interactions with Blue during your time together, maybe ask Pisces what he wants regarding communication with Blue while he is with you, and see if there is a compromise, or something that would work for everyone.

At least approach it with the idea that last time was an aberration, until you learn otherwise.

 

[WestCoastRedhead]

Ah, okay, so this was the fight that started after they came back from trip, when Blue was mad about the texting?

But I'm concerned about your attitude here (highlighted in bold). The way you describe this...it is so condescending to his relationship of a decade and so presumptuous of you as a very new relationship in his life.

"We" nip this pattern in the bud? Why are you and Pisces the "we" and Blue is, to you, a concerning, unhealthy outsider? It makes sense that Pisces is putting effort into maintaining his long-term relationship that is going through a rough time.

I don't think you have enough context to know whether their dynamic is unhealthy or concerning. If they've been together a decade and only started fighting like this since he met you...I'm not sure it's fair for you to decide they have an unhealthy pattern. Like, Pisces knows more about his dynamic with Blue than you do.

And, if Pisces had an unhealthy pattern with his ex-wife and also has an unhealthy pattern with his decades-long partner, what are the chances that he has a healthy dynamic with you?

I don't think that your metamour conflict will get easier if you have such scorn for Blue.

I don't have scorn for her. I was angry with her, but am trying to have compassion.

I think Pisces has been a terrible hinge here. But rather than make rules for his interactions with Blue during your time together, maybe ask Pisces what he wants regarding communication with Blue while he is with you, and see if there is a compromise or something that would work for everyone.

Yes, we are planning on that.

At least approach it with the idea that last time was an aberration, until you learn otherwise.

Yes, I am trying to approach it mostly as that, But I am still seeing a pattern, and I can't ignore that. Bringing someone's awareness to it as a possible pattern is not a bad thing. We both feel safe to bring possible patterns of behaviour to each other. This is a common thing between me and Pisces.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I don't have scorn for her. I was angry with her, but am trying to have compassion.

Yes, we are planning on that.

Yes, I am trying to approach it mostly as that, But I am still seeing a pattern, and I can't ignore that. Bringing someone's awareness to it as a possible pattern is not a bad thing. We both feel safe to bring possible patterns of behaviour to each other. This is a common thing between me and Pisces.

I really feel worried for you because you're in a hierarchical relationship and don't understand that you are. You really think this is a relationship where you're equal to your metamour but he has ten years with her and his actions have shown that preserving his relationship with you isn't more important to him than his relationship with her.

The pattern you're seeing is that your relationship is secondary to his decade long relationship with your metamour. Everything that is happening is happening because preserving his relationship with her is of greater priority than what he has with you. If it comes to your needs being unmet, or hers, you will be the one who goes without.

What I'd advise you to do is see what is in front of you and forget those conversations where he said there weren't vetoes and everyone's equal. You're clearly not.

If you keep pushing, he will get to that point where he decides these relationships cannot exist together. Especially if your metamour expresses displeasure. And then he will be forced to act.

You need to decide if feeling equal to his other partner is more important than keeping him as a partner. Maybe you need to find something like what they have with someone else.

 

[icesong]

If it comes to your needs being unmet, or hers, you will be the one who goes without.

I’m concerned that this is true, as well. I honestly think that @SEASONEDpolyAgain was blunt to the point of disregarding the emotions involved in the situation, but at the same time, I don’t think that they are wrong.

I’m not saying this from the point of view that that ought to change your relationship with your partner. Far from it! I have never really put it to the test, nor intend to. But I think that when/if there are conflicts between my needs and his spouse’s, Artist will prioritize theirs. That doesn’t mean that he loves me “less." In many ways, I think I do and would do the same for Knight, and even more so for my son, many more times so really, and also for some of my friends who have been in my life for twice as long as he has. It just means that we had preexisting patterns in our life before we met each other, and it’s not entirely fair for a newer relationship to take precedent over every established pattern just because it’s romantic/sexual.

Knowing that doesn’t mean he loves me “less," just that our lives are less entangled. I’m ok with that with Artist. I can’t tell whether that would be ok with you with Pisces. (And I totally think it’s ok if it’s not; I just can’t tell what your expectation is.)

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I guess I find it disturbing that he would say "yes" to her four phone calls when he was in person with me last. When I asked him why he said "yes", he responded with "It's not a great analogy, but essentially she was the squeakier wheel". Really? Why does that strike me as a red flag? And how much more of a squeakier wheel would I have needed to be to get him to say "no"? Yeah, disturbing. :-(

I didn't see this squeaky wheel post. I've found that when people talk about the squeakier wheel, what they really mean is that this is the wheel I most want to keep working. I've come to that conclusion because every time I've seen someone resort to that analogy, all the wheels have been squeaking, but for different reasons. One needs oil, another one needs a wrench, etc.

It's just that one wheel is more vital to the driver than the others. So they do what is needed to that wheel, and they'll get around to the rest if/when that one is settled.