Completly new to this, my situation...

F

FoxInSox

New member
Hi,

I searched the internet for a support forum and came across this one, I'm just looking for general advice and support. Here is my story.

I've been with my husband since I was 15, we married had children but we weren't happy, our unhappiness lead to depression for both of us and anxiety for me, after 15 years together things were very sad.

I joined a forum and spoke to a person for a few years, it was a bit of a strange situation in that it was sort of a cloaked situation and we didn't really know about each others lives, the forum shut down and after 6 months I found this person on face book, meaning I could see who they were, their photos etc. We connected INSTANTLY. We didn't stop talking from that first message.

So now we are in a relationship. She lives in America, I live in the UK, we have met a few times in a neutral place and spent the most wonderful times together.

She is married, she told me we would find a way to be together and I assumed that meant her leaving her husband, she revealed she hoped we would all live together someday.

Now this left me reeling, we have both only been with our husbands, both together with them since our teenage years, they have never had anyone else involved in their marriage this is completely new to them and me.

But I want to do it. I want her in my life, I want her son in my life, if that means her husband is in my life to then I think that can work.

I just have so many questions though, how does this work? I am not with my husband anymore, so am free to persue this.

The first step is that out next trip I am going to stay in her hometown, we have the majority of the trip in a hotel but several nights will be in their home, i think this is a good introduction.

I've never even met her husband or talked to him.

The actual living together would be many, many years down the line but I'm worried I will feel uncomfortable being with her in his presence, I mean just holding hands, sitting together. And then the bedroom situation?! Yikes :confused:

Its just all so new to me and so much to get my head around. I feel like it is the right thing but I have to break down the wall in my head that tells me this is 'wrong' because its not what I'm used to. Does that make sense?

Any advice would be most grateful!

Fox x
 
On the right track

I feel that so far, you're on the right track! You're here looking for support and this is a good place to find it. Something else that can help, that was suggested to me, was to get and read "More Than Two" by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert. I'm still in the middle of it, but it has helped with some thoughts and questions I've had. And though I'm not currently in any relationships at this time, I understand the uncomfortableness of PDA in front of anothers SO. For so long we were told that it was "bad", but if everyone communicates (which seems to be the unoffical mantra: "communicate, communicate, communicate!") you should be able to work through it.
 
Thank you Juniper, I will get that book for sure!

It's sort of a jumble of questions at the moment so I need to sit down and write down my thoughts and concerns.

I've just been reading some other threads and all the terms and different types of relationships are confusing!!
 
Whatever confuses you, feel free to ask about it. That's what this forum is here for.

I would be concerned about staying in her home, particularly if you've never met her husband and he'll also be there. I'm glad you'll have a hotel some of the time; it might be wise to have that room available, or have resources to get another one, for the nights you're planning to be with this woman and her husband. Just in case things go badly. It's always good to be safe.

If I'm understanding correctly, you and your husband are no longer married? If that's the case, how would combining households with your girlfriend impact your children? I would think there could be some difficulty moving kids to another country if the parents aren't together. I don't know UK law, but in the US state in which my divorce and custody agreement were done, my ex and I couldn't even move to another *street* without notifying and getting consent from each other. When I moved to the state I currently live in, we went through a month of legal crap so I could bring my children with me, since my ex contested it.

Note that I'm not trying to talk you out of any of this. I'm just playing devil's advocate to point out some things you might not have thought of.

As for labels and configurations and so forth... If you and she are involved, and she and her husband are involved, and you are *not* involved with her husband, it would be a V with her as the "hinge." If you *are* involved with her husband as well as her, it would be an FFM triad.

But mostly it's whatever works for you and what you choose to call it.
 
No, the plan would be for them to move to the UK, with their son and I would move in with them, her husband is fully supportive that if we can make it through this LDR and stay committed then a move for us to be together would be justified.
 
I don't feel at this point I would be interested in her husband, I don't feel physically attracted to him and I don't even know how she would feel about that if I were.

There is so much to talk about, this is a good way of figuring out the questions I need to ask.
 
Ah, okay. That sounds like a huge change for them, but at least it would address any potential custody issues on your end.

If you aren't attracted to her husband, and neither of them is expecting you to be, that's good. Some couples try to find a woman to "share", and someone usually ends up getting the short end of the stick because it's rare for one person to be equally attracted to both members of a couple.

So in your case, it sounds like you're looking at, as I said, a V form, with her at the point of the V (the "hinge"), and you and her husband each at the end of one of the legs. One of the things you would want to establish, in that case, is how much interaction are you expected to have with her husband? Are you and he expected to be friends, or is it okay if you're just civil to each other when you're in the same space? If you have an issue with her husband, would you be expected to take it up with him, or to explain the issue to your girlfriend and let her bring it to him? Etc. Especially if you end up all living together, it's going to be very important to establish boundaries and agreements for interactions and problem-solving among all members of the household.
 
I think the vision both me and my girlfriend have is for us to be a family, in one home but without any sexual interaction between me and her husband. That would be the perfect outcome for us. But only time will tell.

Yes the V formation sounds like what we would be aiming for.

Thankyou btw fr your help and advice, I know it would be a huge upheavel for them but in the same breath my husband was against me seeing her and I gave up my (albeit crumbling) marriage for her so I think we are both so deeply in this that we are willing to make such huge changes in our lives.
 
Hi FoxInSox,

I just wanted to add my voice of support, and willingness to answer questions. Clearly there are big changes taking place in your life.

With sincere regards,
Kevin T.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top