confused

[curiouslez]

I'm sure you get this similar thread a lot; I apologize.

I've met a girl whom I really like. She's poly. Therefore, of course, I want to explore it, too. I've been seeing a therapist who deals with alternative lifestyles (poly, swinging, BDSM, etc.), and she "approves" the relationship so far.

I've been reading 'The Ethical Slut' and doing constant research.

I feel like this is something I could enjoy. But, of course, it needs to be tested to know for sure.

I'm constantly double-checking myself to make sure I'm not making a mistake, so I talked to my old therapist recently, and she said,

-That I'm lying to myself.

-That no swinger/open/poly relationships have lasted long term, because of jealousy.

-Swinger/open/poly relationships don't have that full commitment/trust that human beings need.

-Because this girl I am with had a bad childhood, that is why she needs multiple relationships, to get that fulfillment of constant love and affection from many people.

So now I am confused and worried.

What are your opinions/takes on this?
How do I know I am poly for the *right* reasons?

 

[ray]

Hey Curious,

Welcome to the forum. Kudos for doing research and wanting to get information and the perspectives of others. Coming from a traditional religious background, I know what it's like want to try something, but fear that it's wrong somehow, or unhealthy. Only you know deep down what feels right to you. What resonates with you? There are many reasons to try poly, but I think very few wrong ones. I can think of:

1. Introducing poly to save a doomed relationship (actually there's a thread debate about this one)
2. Dating multiple people to boost your own ego. Might be nice for you, but probably not for those other people.
3. Doing it when you are not comfortable or happy doing so.

I guess I'm trying to say that if you think it will be something positive for you, and you want to go into it giving full respect and honesty to all involved, you should go for it! You'll never know for sure until you give it a try. And there are people that do poly that weren't grossly mistreated as children. Non-monogamy can have very serious commitments. And keep in mind that a relationship's success cannot solely be measured by its longevity.

Only you can answer if you're lying to yourself. Honestly, only you know what is going to make you happy.

Why do you want to be poly? Perhaps you could list some of the specific reasons and then see what they point to. But from what you're saying, it sounds like you have good intentions.

 

[redpepper]

It sounds like you are asking all the right questions. Yes, we have this heard before No biggie. Just keep at it and educate yourself. Read up on here and see what you can find out, and talk about it wherever possible. The bottom line is that you can try it or not. Both choices are valid and completely yours. The bottom line is, do you want to go into a poly relationship style blindly and wing it, or not? Do you want to make a decision based out of some knowledge, or not? Up to you.

 

[IndieSolo]

I'm constantly double-checking myself to make sure I'm not making a mistake. I talked to my old therapist recently and she said:

-That I'm lying to myself.

About what? That it's what you want? That it can work? That you feel a certain way toward someone? How vague, and yet such a scary pronouncement to make without being specific.

-That no swinger/open/poly relationships have lasted, because of jealousy.

I call bullshit.

I personally have a new friend who has been poly for over twenty years, and his dedication and devotion to his primary relationship is unwavering. He has several other sweeties and has started to court me, and it is always clear that poly has been successful for him, LONG-TERM.

-Swinger/open/poly relationships don't have that full commitment/trust that human beings need.

And monogamous relationships always do? Bullshit again.

-Because this girl I am with had a bad childhood, she needs multiple relationships, to get that fulfillment of constant love and affection from many people.

So your old therapist is analyzing someone she's never met? How utterly arrogant! And unprofessional! She is drawing conclusions based on what you tell her? My therapist doesn't attempt to tell me what makes the people who are close to me in my life tick. She's only hearing my side of the story, so she focuses on me. And that is how it should be.

This woman has stepped over the line, in my opinion! Seems to me she's a FORMER therapist for good reason. Ick. Don't believe her. She is biased and opinionated and unprofessional in telling you what she did.

You are better off talking to your current therapist who understands poly and knows what she's talking about. Also, come here and ask questions, read the boards, or get involved in local poly activities or groups near you.

How do I know I am poly for the *right* reasons?

Personally, I don't see people as poly; I see relationships as poly, and we choose what kind of relationships to be in. It can work just like any other relationship works, provided you put in the necessary effort to make it work. It's about people, after all. If you can maintain several platonic friendships in your life, why wouldn't you be able to maintain several intimate, romantic relationships in your life?

You may want to visit some of the links listed here, too:
Online Poly Resources

Welcome!

 

[curiouslez]

I think the reason I am thinking about this most right now is because the girl recently had to kick a guy out of her house because he was obviously jealous (she has a boyfriend). This whole thing has really hurt and upset her because this guy was like a brother to her.
I don't want to hurt her or her family.

 

[redpepper]

Why don't you ask her what would hurt her? I think you might be making assumptions there based on what you see and THINK you know. Talk to her about it. I think that perhaps you need to do a whole lot more real-in depth communicating with her and create a rapport before moving forward. You really don't seem to know enough about poly to make a call on what would work for you yet. So I would suggest doing some more work on yourself, researching poly and getting to know this woman more before deciding. There is no rush, and it sounds like it isn't a good time for her right now, anyway.

Agreeing about the therapist. She isn't your mother; she is your (ex) therapist. Her opinion is not the point; her supporting you on YOUR journey is. If she isn't doing that, then I would urge you to find someone who does. That is sounding a tad manipulative and could be creating co-dependence.

 

[curiouslez]

About what? That it's what you want? That it can work? That you feel a certain way toward someone? How vague and yet such a scary pronouncement to make without being specific.

In the past, I have put blinders over my eyes very easily, and it ended up badly when I finally saw what was really there. I'm double-checking that I am not convincing myself I am someone I'm not, or that something is happening that I'm not seeing, etc. Make sense?

I have a new friend who has been poly for over twenty years, and his dedication and devotion to his primary relationship is unwavering. He has several other sweeties and started to court me, and it is always clear that poly has been successful for him, LONG-TERM.

I do agree that what she said about "never working out" is crap.

So your old therapist is analyzing someone she's never met? How utterly arrogant! And unprofessional! She is drawing conclusions based on what you tell her? My therapist doesn't attempt to tell me what makes the people who are close to me in my life tick - she's only hearing my side of the story so she focuses on me. And that is how it should be.

This woman has stepped over the line, in my opinion! Seems to me she's a FORMER therapist for good reason. Ick. Don't believe her. She is biased and opinionated and unprofessional in telling you what she did.

You are better off talking to your current therapist who understands poly and knows what she's talking about. Also come here and ask questions, read the boards, or get involved in local poly activities or groups near you.

She even said that she doesn't know her, and that I can object, and disagree, if I choose. I still agree that she stepped over a line by making that "bad childhood" assumption.


Thank you for the resource, feedback and support! I think I was mostly freaked out and scared because I want to make sure I don't hurt her.

 

[curiouslez]

I actually just sent her an email (her phone doesn't work) saying that I want to discuss this with her.
I don't want to hurt her by having that same scenario with the guy she kicked out happen to us. I have made myself be someone I wasn't before, without realizing, and I don't want to do that again, and have it end up with me getting jealous and hurting her. She has a family and it would affect people she loves, as well.

Scratch that. I STARTED to write her an email about everything, but then I just sent her one that said I want to plan a time for us to get together so I can discuss some things. I'm trying to move toward discussing difficult things face-to-face, as opposed to email.