Confusion between the 2 partners

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danieheartsu

New member
Hello all!
This is my very first post, I just joined today actually! So I am having some difficulties at home. My main partner, M, and I have great communication. There is nothing we don't talk about. Anytime there are questions, issues etc we take time to talk them through and come to an agreement. We currently live together. M is currently seeing S, who is at our place alot, which I have no problem with. The issue I do have is her constantly showing pda in front of me, when I respect her and don't do it infront of her. I understand that it will happen, but I just feel like me and S are not on the same page in this area. She is completely new to this lifestyle, and is having some issues with it. I try to give M advise on how to handle it, but I know ultimately it will be her choice. I just need to figure out how to approach S in reguards to what is appropriate behavior in front of the other person. For instance, I know if I showed the same pda in S's presence she would not be ok with it. This is why I don't do it. I do not want to put M in the middle of it. I want to figure this out on my own. Does anyone have any advise on how to handle this situation?! I am sorry for this post being all over the place, just a little scattered about everything at the moment. Thank you in advance!
 
If the issue is that the PDAs themselves make you feel uncomfortable, then I suggest a sit-down chat with both M and S might be in order, explaining that whilst you want S to feel welcome in your shared home, it *is* still a shared home and you don't like coming home to the pair of them slobbering over one another (or whatever it is they do).

However, if the problem is that you feel you are paying a consideration to S and modifying your natural behaviour with M but that this consideration is not being paid in return, just STOP. Stop holding back for her sake. You are merely speculating that this would upset her. Try being your usual PDA-self with M while she is around and see how she feels when the shoe is on the other foot so to speak. That might be all it takes for her to have her own 'Eureka!' moment and modify her own behaviour in turn. You certainly shouldn't be tip-toeing around your partner in your own home.
 
Thank you for the advise! My issue is the second one you mentioned. I just feel like I am not being respected by S in the same matter that I do her. I thought about just stopping and be my normal self, M even suggested that. The problem there is hat S will turn to M with her complaints about it, leading them to argue and i don't want to cause that strain on M. She stries her best to be respectful of me and does a great job, we both just need S to jump on board. Either we both hold back or neither of us do. I know the conversation with her is going to be awkward, like I mentioned before she is really new to this and is trying to adjust. I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable in my home and I definitely do not want to come off as being jealous.
 
Honestly, the problem is S's to deal with, not yours. If M has also told you to go ahead and act natural, then that's what you should do. Sometimes in order to deal with our insecurities we need to actually put ourselves into a position of slight discomfort. I'm speaking of your discomfort of 'rocking the boat/causing distress' here as much as her discomfort of seeing you be affectionate with M. Let M pick up the fallout here, if there is any. You can't spend your whole life acting against your own interests for fear of upsetting people. You're not being possessive of M or restricting their relationship/expression. It's fine to acknowledge that there is a disparity here and you'd like the same freedoms she has. That's not being jealous.

If it were me, I'd skip the discussion altogether unless *she* brings it up or requests a dialling back of PDAs. At *that* point (and not before), I'd explain that that request should go both ways. Lovingly, of course. :)
 
I think you should hang all over him and be as "in her face" as you can. You are all in a poly vee and everyone is an adult, and knows about the relationships. It seems ridiculous to me that, in your own home, you are holding back on your natural inclinations to demonstrate affection to your bf. I don't understand how or why doing that would be equated with showing respect. If people aren't adult enough to handle pda's, how can they handle managing the more important aspects of having multiple relationships?
 
I am assuming we are talking about basic hugs and kisses here and nobody is having sex on the kitchen table, right? In those shoes? I would give her a heads up to acknowledge and just return to informal.

Could tell her straight up til now you have been formal manners so as not to make her uncomfortable as the new guest person in the shared home. But you observe she is becoming regular guest and she is getting comfortable enough around you with PDA with M. So you figure you can stop being all formal and guest-y when she is around now and relax into informal manners and return to your own normal PDA.

It is your house and all, but neither do you walk around naked, have sex on the kitchen table, and poop with the bathroom door open when guests are over, right?

However regular guests are different than first time guests. You still do not poop with the door open or have sex on the table... but you also let go a bit and kiss or hug your partner more freely. Not groping genitalia but basic affection.

You change behavior expectations for not just you but for your regular guests after a certain point ... probably expect them to put their dishes in the sink and clean up after themselves when over since they hang out over here a lot, right? You do not tend to them as much as first time guests. You even ask the regular guests to straighten up the cushions and run the vac to get the popcorn while you get trash and dishes after hanging out here for movie nite every Friday for the last x months right?

I should hope so!

Things relax over time. It is ok to relax and figure out and articulate the changing comfort levels and boundaries. Nobody is a mind reader. Actually have the conversations you need to be having along the way.

Galagirl
 
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Whenever I read this advise it all sounds so common sense! Why didn't I think of it myself? Guess I was just over thinking it, or thinking too much about S's feelings and not my own. I had a conversation last night with M and She told me to just relax and be myself and if S has a problem with it she will have to deal with it on her own and realize that S and I are on eqaul terms when it comes to M.
When it comes to M and me, she and I have a very long history together so it is easy for us to communicate. All 3 of us are fairly new in the poly lifestyle, but with S it is a completely foreign idea that she is trying to get on board with, so in a sense by holding back I am just trying to be patient with her and respect her. However, I do agree that over time guests become more " roomate" status the more often they are over, and she is there at least 3-4 nights a week, cooking us meals, hanging out with just M or M and me, helping us take care of the dog. It makes sense for me to just be my normal self around M no matter if S is present or not.

Thank you so much for all of the advise everyone. Like I said I am fairly new, so any advise I get is good advise!
 
It is ok to be nervous in your first polyship. In these early weeks and months? Could not assume anything, ask questions, articulate your own stuff. Check in. Everyone is getting to know each other and figuring out how everyone wants to be together. Being extra polite doesn't hurt anything at the start. But in time...things relax. Still polite but less formal.

Like in the (m+you) layer of talking ages ago, you could learn and build your communication style over time in the (s+you) and in the (m+s+you) layer. Over time it could feel easier than it does now.

Takes time to get to "the new normal" after a change. Just will feel weird for a bit til things settle in in this V. That is ok. Keep on settling in. :)

Galagirl
 
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I too would nit hold back. She obviously feels comfortable enough with you to be affectionate in front of you, no need to feel like you will make her uncomfortable because surely you won't n and even so its not av big deal. If she's willing to give it then she should expect to take it
 
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