Controlling marriage vs relationship anarchy, help!

C

CautiousWitch452

New member
Hello everyone!

I need advice. I am in a deeply loving relationship of 3+ years with a relationship anarchist. I am working really hard on deconstructing monogamy, working with a therapist to regulate my nervous system, and learning to prioritize myself. I was in a 20-year marriage with a controlling partner and am now dating a total free bird. It is an adjustment!

I found out after we started dating that I am mono-flexible and down the road might date others. I am working on accepting my partner’s polyamory. My partner is incredibly supportive, self-aware, and emotionally intelligent. Our relationship is the most fulfilling relationship I've ever been in and he is there for me 100%. My partner is inherently poly and knows it is a part of his identity. I wanted to explore poly because of self-growth, and so that if I ever did meet someone interesting, to be able to act on it. I would have never gotten to where I am in a controlling, monogamous relationship.

So, my partner is now dating someone and some things are coming up for me. This is the first time he has dated someone in the time we have been together.

1. In terms of time/schedule, not much has changed. I’m still getting the same amount of time/support, but why does it bother me? Is it the sharing? Is it residual monogamy? Or could I just be the type of person that doesn’t like sharing? Are these growing pains?
2. Why do I feel threatened? I know I’m loved, I know neither my partner or metamour have any interest in leaving their other relationships to be together.
3. What about this idea of wanting to be the only person in their lives? Where does that come from? I know it’s not realistic.
4. Is it normal for things to be hard? I know people say “Love should be easy” and it is when I am with them, but when I am not, I am a bit of a mess. (We don’t live together). Does it get easier?
5. Would meeting my metamour help me feel less threatened?
6. I am toying with the idea of establishing some kind of decision deadline for myself to work on embracing and accepting my partner. Is this fair? Should I tell them about the deadline?

Thank you all for your honesty. I would appreciate any support from more experienced folks.
 
As far as #5, some people feel better knowing the metamour & some feel worse. I'm in the former category: what my mind can come up with to torture me is much worse than the reality, which always comes as a relief. But some people look for every tiny thing that is "better" about the metamour & feel bad about that, so not knowing is better. I don't know how to tell which you are, except by imagining meeting the metamour.

#6 seems reasonable. When we moved in together, we set six months to decide whether it was working for us or not. We talked in six months, & it was a real anticlimax--like, yeah, I'm OK. You? Yeah, I want to continue. Probably you also need to talk all along about what is working for you & what isn't, & whether that is or isn't something yr partner is willing to change at all.

#1 through #4. Of course you had all that monogamous conditioning. And you may have some subconscious investment in what you put up with for the sake of monogamy, too. You could even have come to see control as a kind of proof of love (many people feel that way about jealousy). It might well be worth talking to a polyamory-friendly therapist about how your marriage experience might be influencing your feelings now.

But I am also coming to feel--especially from reading books such as *The Myth of Monogamy*, *Why We Love*, & *Sex at Dusk*--that humans evolved to closely guard partners to maintain a pair bond, but also to have sex with others if it didn't endanger the pair bond. In other words, we evolved to act in a nonmonogamous way in secret but also to want to keep our partner monogamous. This is an effed up situation, but it fits both evolutionary imperatives of better genes for our offspring (whether that is one's spouse or not) but also a spouse who is dedicated to raising the offspring.

This means that wanting other partners but wanting our spouse to be monogamous is natural. But then, so many good things in life are unnatural, from clothing to plumbing to medicine. And it also means that full polyamory is no more unnatural than genuine (not ostensible) monogamy--& although a lot of people cheat, a lot manage full monogamy, too. So my theoretical status doesn't mean "don't do it." It means "Of course you are having issues! We are adapted to a system that is terrible by many ethical standards now, and adjustment either way is tough." So yes, I think it will get better.
 
Hello CautiousWitch452,

You seem to be having a jealous reaction to your partner's dating someone, you feel threatened by the new person and it is probably because of your monogamous conditioning, but also because polyamory-in-practice is so new to you, you have yet to get used to it. Yes, it usually gets easier. Meeting your metamour might help.

Can I ask, what will happen if the decision deadline arrives, and you still can't embrace/accept your partner? Will you break up with your partner at that point? If so, then I think you should inform your partner about that deadline, and about its potential implications.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top