For me, personally, some of this is a matter of semantics... I use "rules" interchangeably with "boundaries" in some of my posts here, which is definitely confusing the issue. Though some are both rules and boundaries...and now I'm confusing myself. And then throw "agreements" into the mix... I guess "rule" has the implication of being something controlling and set in stone, whereas "agreement" doesn't sound as harsh and seems to allow more freedom of choice. To me they're the same thing, at least in the context of my polyship, but I can see the differences.
The *rules* Hubby and I have, and the ones Guy and I have, are specific only for that relationship. In other words, Hubby and I have rules we expect each other to abide by, and so do Guy and I. Sometimes those rules impact our relationships with others, but I can only think of a few that have that impact. Any potential partners are told what those rules are, and it's their choice whether to agree.
Hubby and I have a "no overnights with other partners" rule. Obviously, that means that any partner we have--other than Guy--can choose not to see me, or can choose to accept that I can't spend the night. Hubby and I made this agreement when we opened our marriage, because to us, it just didn't feel right to wake up beside someone other than each other. It's also out of respect for me; due to PTSD issues, I cannot fall asleep with someone else other than Hubby in the same room, and it took me over a year to learn to fall asleep with Hubby in the room. The one time I've visited Guy overnight (for three days), he was working third shift, so I slept while he was at work. That's going to be the case with my visit to him next month as well.
Hubby and I have agreed to tell each other each time we have a date with someone else (though Hubby never actually does...), and on the first date, we've agreed to inform the other if things move to a more private setting. Since I'm usually the one going on dates, this is mostly a safety thing; if I'm going to be alone with a man I don't know well yet, Hubby wants to know where I am and when I'll be checking in, so if something goes wrong he'll be able to find me. I explain this to potential new partners. None have had a problem with it; they get the safety thing.
We also have a "no outside partners at home" rule. That and condom use are pretty much the only non-negotiables we have. The no outside partners one is because my kids live with us, and also because Hubby and I agreed that we needed a "safe space" that was only for us. After a discussion he and I had last summer when he was considering seeing a woman we knew, we extended "home" to include his workplace and the boats the business owns, since I also work there and I consider that office and those boats one of my personal safe spaces. And also because the business is owned by Hubby's father and uncle, and we aren't "out" as poly or open to Hubby's family.
Guy and I have also agreed to tell each other each time we have a date with someone else, but it stops with "I have a date with so-and-so." (With both Hubby and Guy, we don't necessarily give the name of the person we're seeing; we might only say "someone I met on OKC". It's about knowing the date is happening, not who it's with.)
Condom use isn't so much a rule as common sense. If I'm sleeping with someone who is likely to be sleeping with others, I'm going to want to practice safer sex. At this point, Hubby is the only one I don't use condoms with; Hubby has told me he's fine with the idea of me fluid bonding with Guy, but I've only seen Guy once since then, and *I* wasn't comfortable with the idea.
