Date night... the struggle

Mahogany

Mahogany

New member
It's been 5 hours since Bo left, and I have now entered into the realm of struggle. My primary is still out with his girlfriend, and I find myself periodically wandering into thoughts of what they might be doing right now.

Crap, I was doing so well. I am trying so hard to be 100% okay, but I know it is important to own my feelings. So I guess it has happened, a bit of uneasiness has arisen.

I miss him, though I can wait to see him. I am excited to see him. That's good, right?

It really doesn't bother me that they are together. I just want him home right now.

Oh, why must I struggle so? :confused:
 
Totally normal. It gets easier. I am happy to see my spouse, too, after a date night, or even just hear from my bf after he's gone on a date. (He is tonight. I asked him to call after.)

A lot of jealousy/insecurity comes from not being upset about what they are doing, but wanting something yourself. You feel sad because you want to be with him and spend time with him, and he's doing that with someone else right now. So plan a date night for you guys, then you can think "He's out with A right now, but tomorrow we are doing XYZ!"

Hope this helps.
 
Totally understandable and normal. I still go through it sometimes, but it does get easier. Personally, I do the most hand-wringing when I don't have something to occupy my own time. Throw yourself into a hobby, or go out and do something yourself. Learn to be good at being alone. That's my struggle. Perhaps it is yours also. It can feel like needing someone, but that can be the symptom of needing to be better at being alone.

You can do it!
 
I totally get the need to get better at being alone. One of my friends, married with children, actually takes vacations by herself. I have NEVER heard of that, but have always admired her for doing that. She would book a trip somewhere for a weekend and leave her hubby and kids behind, and go.

I am relieved to know it is normal, and something I can grow to accept, and not have to try and overcome, necessarily. The good thing is that it gives me an opportunity to miss him and want him (adding some spice).
 
Cayenne with Tabasco. ;)

That's a very healthy way of looking at it. I wish you well and am sure you've got it licked.
 
5-hour date? They must be hitting it off. Finding someone else to occupy my time while Nate was away is something I've found helpful in the past.
 
I totally get the need to get better at being alone. One of my friends, married with children, actually takes vacations by herself. I have NEVER heard of that, but have always admired her for doing that. She would book a trip somewhere for a weekend and leave her hubby and kids behind, and go.
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I can't imagine vacationing alone. I'd be so lonely for companionship.
 
I have the same thing with date night, but it is getting easier. One of the arrangements we have is to talk briefly on the phone before and after the date. Also, because Astraeus has to catch the same train home afterwards, I always know roughly when I'll hear from him, and that helps too (except that I get a bit twitchy in the last fifteen minutes or so). That won't always be the case, though. I'm sure in the future there will be dates with no arranged end time. But for now, it's working okay. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
 
Rules are great, but I'm learning to be flexible with them. We used to have a rule that she would text when the date showed up, and then 3 hours after, and then again, if she decided to spend the night, or if she needed a ride home. (She doesn't have a car)

This wasn't easy, at first. I'd simply be wringing my hands the entire time, wondering when I was going to get my checkpoint texts. When things went especially well, I'd go for hours after the mid-point text wondering, "Does she need a ride? Oh crap. I'm not getting any texts, so they must be having the best time two people have ever had. She's going to replace me."

Normally I'd get a text at about 2 or 3 in the morning (she's a night owl) telling me she was staying over, or needed a ride home. But the first time she spent the night without texting me and slunk in the front door, we had a serious "Come to Jesus" meeting. During this period, I didn't have much going on personally, and was new to polysexuality, and polyamory, so the idea of the insanely great sex she must surely be having was on my mind, too.

When she'd come home, I'd need a lot of reconnection that sometimes felt really forced at first. We had conversations about me being needy. But that led to conversations about what I needed to feel loved. And over time... over time, her affirmations became natural and quite loving. It's still a work in progress.

Nowadays, I usually get two or three texts throughout the date, but they aren't required. There's trust that goes back and forth. She hasn't been on an overnight date anytime recently (although it could happen at any time), but I'm sure she would definitely let me know if she needed a ride or was spending the night.

Oddly, some of the best reaffirmations don't come on either side of a date. They come when we've spent days alone together and she just tells me that there will never be anyone who can replace me, though there may be other people she loves along with me. Just saying it for no reason other than to let me know I'm loved and not going anywhere. We have what in the BDSM world is a DaddyDom/little girl dynamic, so our conversations are mostly about how I'm her Papa and there could never be another Papa. How safe and loved she feels with me as my little Puddin' Pop.

If you ask the questions that make you feel secure about your relationship enough, I'd think you'll begin to hear what you need, even when it's not date night, which will make you feel even stronger on date night.
 
Mahogany said:
I am relieved to know it is normal, something I can grow to accept, and not have to try and overcome, necessarily.
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Dealing with jealousy, as opposed to just rolling around in it, having emotional blowups, is not something many people are challenged with. The standard narrative tells us that we are supposed to be pulling our hair out in jealous insecurity when our partner is doing something other than tending to our every need. While this might be "normal," it certainly isn't something I'd want to celebrate.

If you are enjoying the emotional state your jealousy is offering you, then by all means, embrace it, and live life just as you are. However, if you aren't loving what your insecurities are doing to you, I would recommend focusing less on what is "normal," and on what is working for you, and learning to overcome it, as a primary goal.
 
That's an interesting thought. How does one become ready?

The truth is, we have been poly for just over two years now, so ready-or-not, here we are!
 
nycindie said:
Maybe you're just not ready for poly yet.
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After reading this, my first impulse was to become defensive. "I AM poly; I am not one that becomes ready for it!" But I can infer you intent was to say that I may need more time before we take the next steps, is that right?

I am somewhat "organic," in that I like to experience all aspects of life. Well, not all. What I mean is that I embrace the pleasures and the pains. I don't want to run from them. A good analogy would be a mother-to-be selecting an all-natural childbirth. Some might say she is crazy for wanting to experience that. But that's me. I have given birth to 4 beautiful offspring.

My thoughts about wanting him NOW, are just that. There's is nothing more to it. All adults know that you can't have everything you want, when you want it. My feelings aren't much different from when I am wanting him when he is off working long hours. My want has nothing to do with him being with her. Well a bit of it might be, but it's more to do with him just being gone. So, not being poly wouldn't stop me from feeling that way, every now and then.
 
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Makes sense to me. When I want my husband, I want him, and no one else. No hobby, friends, or other pointless time-fillers will do. Our first therapist tried to paint it like my wanting to be around him and missing him was coming from a mono mindset. I had to call her out. Truth is, I could miss him just as much while he was working, or I could miss him while he was with friends or engaged in his hobbies. That has nothing to do with being mono. Nothing wrong with me wanting to be around someone I love.

I am not keen on the get a hobby/fix yourself/read a book/get a new partner stuff. My advice would be do things you cannot do with him around. Spoil yourself with a mani/pedi or massage, go out for dinner and drinks with your ladies, get your hair done, buy lingerie with him in mind and be wearing it when he walks in the door, or prepare his favourite dessert to eat while you are watching a movie and enjoying some one-on-one time after his date. Just little things to let him know that he was on your mind while he was gone.

I am not sure if you and your guy have a DADT policy, but if not, you could ask about his evening. Sometimes what we think is worse than what reality is. You may be thinking he was sexing her up and down for five hours, when they just went to dinner, saw a play, and had dessert in a cute little cafe close to her house. Sometimes it helps to ask questions without invading their privacy or relationship. You can ask general questions, though. It might put your mind at ease. It might show that you care or have a remote interest in his life outside of the one he has with you.
 
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Great. I am the same way. We use to do DADT, but now we are very open about everything. It is arousing, exciting, and sexy for us to talk about the "details" after a date, especially when there was hot-n-heavy sex.
 
The difference is that we have to work, have to do other stuff, but we don't have to have multiple relationships. Most people don't. I can't see how they are comparable.
 
london said:
The difference is that we have to work, have to do other stuff, but we don't have to have multiple relationships. Most people don't. I can't see how they are comparable.
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Oh, I agree with you, London. I have strong opinions. Admittedly, I cringe when people present the poly-is-like-having-multiple-children or it-is-no-different-than-when-a-spouse-is-working/in the armed forces argument. Straight bullshit.

Mahogany, it is good that you and Bo are open. I hope it gets easier for you in time.
 
FullofLove1052 said:
I am not keen on the get a hobby/fix yourself/read a book/get a new partner stuff, so my advice would be do things you cannot do with him around. Spoil yourself with a mani/pedi, massage, or haircut/color, or, go out for dinner and drinks with your ladies. Or, buy lingerie with him in mind, and be wearing it when he walks in the door, or, prepare his favourite dessert to eat while you are watching a movie and enjoying some one-on-one time after his date. Just little things to let him know that he was on your mind while he was gone.
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That's nice, but be ready for the possibility that this could come off needy and desperate if done too often or it pulls at him too much. I'm not saying it's terrible to come home to someone devoted to you, but when you come off as having nothing else in your life, no independence, no understanding of breathing time, you can push someone away. Again, your mileage may vary.

Ironically, I'd absolutely love to be treated this way. My current partner would hate it.
 
vanquish said:
That's nice, but be ready for the possibility that this could come off needy and desperate if done too often or it pulls at him too much. I'm not saying it's terrible to come home to someone devoted to you, but when you come off as having nothing else in your life... you can push someone away. Again, your mileage may vary. Ironically, I'd absolutely love to be treated this way. My current partner would hate it.
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It is not something that has to be done all the time. I am sure Mahogany enjoys breathing room as much as the next person, and understands Bo's need to have interests, relationships, whatever, outside the home. There is nothing wrong with spoiling yourself/partner every so often. Too much of something is sometimes not a good thing.

Independence is sexy. I like knowing that if my spouse were to leave today, I could still run this like he was never here. I also like being seen as someone other than his little wifey and my children's mum. Those are just facets of my identity. I like being alone and curling up with a good book and tea, and clingy/needy are words that will never be used to describe me. I am the ice princess and known for being distant and unavailable. I did not earn the nickname part-time for nothing.

My husband went out with his moronic friends last night. I went out and enjoyed the food and wine festival with some friends. I got home before him, but where was I when he walked in? Noshing on junk food and watching Breaking Dawn Part II with our 14 year old. He was not in my thoughts past me telling him to be careful and to call the driver since he had been drinking. I acknowledged him when he walked in, but that was the extent of that.
 
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