Dealing with dishonesty and disillusion in polyamory

KC43 said:
When Hubby and I started our open marriage, it was intended to be primarily about sex. In fact, right at the beginning, he said he would prefer that I not even be friends with any man I had sex with.

I pointed out that was unrealistic, since I have to at least *like* a person to get naked with him. We discussed it. We agreed that friendship was acceptable, but if feelings got stronger than friendship, we would have to end contact with the other person.
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Both my husband and I wanted Friends with Benefits in the beginning... People we genuinely like and care for on the same level as our other friends but with some added spice on the side (I, like you, am not getting naked with someone that I don't like as a person). However, we never talked specifically about what would happen if feelings developed. The overriding ethic was just keeping the lines of communication open and ensuring that whatever we did would be done in a way that strengthened the relationship between the two of us.

KC43 said:
Obviously things have morphed since then, but they morphed because we were completely honest with each other. When I realized my feelings for my ex-boyfriend were deeper than friendship, I went to Hubby and told him that, and said that if he wanted, I would stop speaking with the other guy. That was also the first time the word "polyamory" was brought up. Hubby accepted that I loved the other guy and gave me the go-ahead to have an actual relationship. And this summer, when I realized I was falling in love with S2, I had pretty much the same discussion with Hubby all over again. And once again, he gave me his blessing to pursue the relationship.
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If my husband had handled this the way you did, things would look VERY different today. I probably would not have needed to post this. We probably would have been able to avoid all the arguments, sleepless tear-filled nights and so much drama. All he needed to do was come to me when those feelings were developing and say "Wow... I'm really starting to have feelings for her, if this continues, we will be going against the boundaries we initially agreed upon... How do we want to move forward?" The fact that he didn't do this makes me feel like we are no longer the best friends, life partners and confidantes that we used to be for each other. We have always been able to put everything out there, tell each other everything... thoughts, feelings, hopes, doubts, joys, and desires. If he had shared this with me, we could have talked it out, sat down with the other couple (if they were willing) and figured it out, keeping the lines of communication open the whole way. Instead, I was excluded and shut out of this experience, my thoughts and feelings were not considered in his processing of the situation. As a result, I feel betrayed, unloved, and unimportant to my husband. By keeping me out of the loop on something as important as his feelings for someone else, he has seriously devalued our relationship. I am at a crossroads. I need to either forgive him and work to rebuild our relationship (even though he doesn't think he did anything wrong and doesn't think there is anything to work on in our relationship) or accept the fact that the aspect of my marriage that I most valued no longer exists and move on.
 
Candiedlove said:
OP,

Do you understand what YOU did wrong? If you don't, there's no reason for your husband to communicate with you.
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I have brought up my mistakes with him many times. He insists I did nothing wrong either. Nobody did anything wrong. It just is what it is. There are couples who are in much worse shape than we are, who go through much worse things than we have... What happened happened and there's no sense getting all wrapped around the axle about it. That seems to be his perspective. I really ought to try to be so cavalier about things. It would make life a lot easier I guess.
 
MonoSwinger said:
I have brought up my mistakes with him many times. He insists I did nothing wrong either. Nobody did anything wrong. It just is what it is. There are couples who are in much worse shape than we are, who go through much worse things than we have... What happened happened and there's no sense getting all wrapped around the axle about it. That seems to be his perspective. I really ought to try to be so cavalier about things. It would make life a lot easier I guess.
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Well, no one HAS done anything wrong. I was just trying to put in in terms you were using. You both were naive and handled it, well, perhaps not as well as you could have. But your feelings aren't WRONG.

However, it doesn't seem like you and he feel you can really talk to each other without accusations and fights. Or without him feeling the need to hide things.

If you can't forgive each other, there's just very little room to move forward.
 
nycindie said:
Opalescent is very wise and has contributed a very good post here which deserves to be read thoroughly, several times. Just sayin'.
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Agreed!:) I am a little overwhelmed by the thoroughness of the responses to all of this. Thank you to everyone... I am trying hard to get some actual paid work done today (as much as I really need to do this type of emotional/mental work) so I may not get a chance to read thoroughly/respond to all of these posts today. I suspect when the rose is off the bloom with this thread and you all move on to other posts, I will have a chance to review all of them in depth and really dig in. Thanks again.
 
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