Hello everyone, long time no post. I've been lurking now and again but things are busy with getting the house ready for market, work, and kids.
All that aside I can use some other perspectives on a situation that has developed.
If interested in the longform description of my situation can read here.
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69093
Shortform is that a few months ago my wife explained that she needed to be Bi again and asked if we could open our marriage. I agreed although I have no desire to have another relationship and have not pursued anything. Wife has a GF that lives about 6 hours' drive south of us and has been deliriously happy - which has improved all our QoL. There have been bumps in their relationship but none from me. GF has a similar situation to Wife in that she has a Husband (H) but different in that he was the one who asked to open their marriage. Wife and I are still doing very well.
So in this situation we have 6 people involved in 4 different relationships
- GF and H with two kids together
- H and HGF (HGF has two or three of her own kids)
- Wife and GF
- Wife and Myself (with 2 kids of our own)
Over the last couple of months Wife and GF have managed to see each other two or three times, usually one of them visits the other (it's about a 6 hour drive each way). My wife and the GF are very attached to one another. This has led to a lot more sharing of their lives with each other (as is only natural).
It turns out this all came about for GF because H wanted an open marriage. H had fallen for one of their mutual friends and GF went ahead with it. About a month ago, the Hubby and his other partner had a falling out over child conflict issues. This led to a high level of drama over the last few weeks. Things culminated with a reconciliation between H and HGF.
The arrangement when this started for them was that each would pursue their relationship quietly. Public displays of affection with the non-spouse would be minimal when they were near their home. GF has abided this and remains very reserved with Wife when in public near GF's home territory. I'm not sure who suggested this agreement but it was a mutual thing.
The issue arises now that, after reconciliation, H and HGF have stopped honoring the public affection agreement. They have been seen kissing in restaurants and other very public places. This went with no conversation with GF and I think this might be a sign of trouble (even more than the ones I have already noticed).
There have also been reports of abusive behavior from H towards GF. Some shoving and intimidation towards GF. H has some anger issues he's supposed to be working through, although it does not sound to me like he is working very hard.
GF on her own judgment went to her local women's space and has started to see a counselor. The counselor is aware of and supportive (or at least not negative) towards GFs relationship with Wife. GF has taken a lot of steps towards setting boundaries in her relationships with others and is becoming more assertive (evidently an issue she has had for a long time).
Wife has been very careful to be supportive without being judgmental towards H. She doesn't want things to get awkward assuming GF and H get things worked out. I know it has been very hard for wife to be so far away when someone she loves is hurting so much. It's actually been kinda hard for me as well. I've met H a few times and she's a very nice person. She and Wife fit very well together and I would be very sad for both of them if things don't work out.
I suppose I don't really have a question except how do you think I can be most supportive of Wife and GF? I want them to be happy together and I really hope that H and GF can get past the issues they are having.
Does it sound like H and HGF are becoming more exclusive from GF or is this just a symptom of the reconciliation NRE?
As always - thanks for your thoughts.
All that aside I can use some other perspectives on a situation that has developed.
If interested in the longform description of my situation can read here.
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69093
Shortform is that a few months ago my wife explained that she needed to be Bi again and asked if we could open our marriage. I agreed although I have no desire to have another relationship and have not pursued anything. Wife has a GF that lives about 6 hours' drive south of us and has been deliriously happy - which has improved all our QoL. There have been bumps in their relationship but none from me. GF has a similar situation to Wife in that she has a Husband (H) but different in that he was the one who asked to open their marriage. Wife and I are still doing very well.
So in this situation we have 6 people involved in 4 different relationships
- GF and H with two kids together
- H and HGF (HGF has two or three of her own kids)
- Wife and GF
- Wife and Myself (with 2 kids of our own)
Over the last couple of months Wife and GF have managed to see each other two or three times, usually one of them visits the other (it's about a 6 hour drive each way). My wife and the GF are very attached to one another. This has led to a lot more sharing of their lives with each other (as is only natural).
It turns out this all came about for GF because H wanted an open marriage. H had fallen for one of their mutual friends and GF went ahead with it. About a month ago, the Hubby and his other partner had a falling out over child conflict issues. This led to a high level of drama over the last few weeks. Things culminated with a reconciliation between H and HGF.
The arrangement when this started for them was that each would pursue their relationship quietly. Public displays of affection with the non-spouse would be minimal when they were near their home. GF has abided this and remains very reserved with Wife when in public near GF's home territory. I'm not sure who suggested this agreement but it was a mutual thing.
The issue arises now that, after reconciliation, H and HGF have stopped honoring the public affection agreement. They have been seen kissing in restaurants and other very public places. This went with no conversation with GF and I think this might be a sign of trouble (even more than the ones I have already noticed).
There have also been reports of abusive behavior from H towards GF. Some shoving and intimidation towards GF. H has some anger issues he's supposed to be working through, although it does not sound to me like he is working very hard.
GF on her own judgment went to her local women's space and has started to see a counselor. The counselor is aware of and supportive (or at least not negative) towards GFs relationship with Wife. GF has taken a lot of steps towards setting boundaries in her relationships with others and is becoming more assertive (evidently an issue she has had for a long time).
Wife has been very careful to be supportive without being judgmental towards H. She doesn't want things to get awkward assuming GF and H get things worked out. I know it has been very hard for wife to be so far away when someone she loves is hurting so much. It's actually been kinda hard for me as well. I've met H a few times and she's a very nice person. She and Wife fit very well together and I would be very sad for both of them if things don't work out.
I suppose I don't really have a question except how do you think I can be most supportive of Wife and GF? I want them to be happy together and I really hope that H and GF can get past the issues they are having.
Does it sound like H and HGF are becoming more exclusive from GF or is this just a symptom of the reconciliation NRE?
As always - thanks for your thoughts.
