Did I overstep our boundaries?

[YouAreHere]

I'm with GalaGirl on this one... A, "no, our relationship is closed now," is not a, "no, I don't want to date you again." One implies that maybe there'll be a shot if the relationship opens again. One's simply "no".

Many women are conditioned to be polite; it's pretty shitty but I know I have interactions with people FAR beyond the point where I should have shut them down, just because I don't want to be an ass. At least at this point in my life, I eventually DO become an ass. It just takes me a while.

At any rate, her "no" SHOULD be able to stand on its own and be respected, without any reason behind it. Her "no" shouldn't have more weight because she's now mono with SmileTexas, and it sure as shit shouldn't suddenly be meaningful because SmileTexas now spoke FOR her.

 

[Invi]

There's some post I recall reading on tumblr or something about why a girl doesn't tell a guy she has a boyfriend to get the guy to respect her 'no' when he doesn't just take that she's not interested as an answer. Like the fact that she has a boyfriend must be why she's not interested.
To me, this sounds similar, and could be why she's upset that you contacted him.
Because he didn't respect her no on its own, and instead listened to your no, from you, based on your (your and her) relationship status.
Her no should have been enough. She's probably not terribly pleased with either of you if that's the case. As was already mentioned, it's like her voice is the matter didn't matter, like obviously the only reason she possibly couldn't be interested is because of your current relationship status, and not just because she wasn't interested regardless of that.

It's like asking someone to have sex and they say no, and you ask, but why? The why doesn't matter; they already said no. The no should be enough. They shouldn't need someone else or have to have an explanation on hand to explain their no.

I think I'm probably rambling. I'm half asleep.
I think you did cross a line by contacting him about it without her asking you to.

 

[GreenAcres]

There's some post I recall reading on tumblr or something about why a girl doesn't tell a guy she has a boyfriend to get the guy to respect her 'no' when he doesn't just take that she's not interested as an answer. Like the fact that she has a boyfriend must be why she's not interested.
To me, this sounds similar, and could be why she's upset that you contacted him.
Because he didn't respect her no on its own, and instead listened to your no, from you, based on your (your and her) relationship status.
Her no should have been enough. She's probably not terribly pleased with either of you if that's the case. As was already mentioned, it's like her voice is the matter didn't matter, like obviously the only reason she possibly couldn't be interested is because of your current relationship status, and not just because she wasn't interested regardless of that.

It's like asking someone to have sex and they say no, and you ask, but why? The why doesn't matter; they already said no. The no should be enough. They shouldn't need someone else or have to have an explanation on hand to explain their no.

I think I'm probably rambling. I'm half asleep.
I think you did cross a line by contacting him about it without her asking you to.

I totally agree with this: no means no, and there's no "why" necessary. It shouldn't take another man stepping in for it to be taken seriously. And, doing an end-run around her, if that is what happened, is not cool. She should have her own voice, and be able to speak for herself.

That said, and based solely on what was said here about her continued communication with someone she supposedly though was "pestering her," I am kind of wondering if her "no" was less of a "no" and more of a game of attention seeking. Again, if he was that big of a PitA and didn't respect her message, why didn't she just block him on facebook, ask that he not text (and block his number if he didn't comply)? It could, of course, be that she's just really polite; but, I admit I tend to be a fairly cynical person about stuff like this. That still would not be ground to go around his wife, of course; but, it would definitely be grounds for him to ask her to stop talking to him about it, as well for initiating a conversation about honest communication, self-esteem, etc.

 

[SmileTexas]

Green acres.
She is very savy on FB and not polite when it comes to these matters.

When she told me that her ex had no clue that we were closed, I felt hurt. I was really angry at the ex for trying to split us up. I thought he knew we were closed and just didn't care. That wasn't the case.

My wife and I had excellent transparency about the whole situation other than this one matter. She didn't tell the ex we were closed and didn't tell me he didn't know. We have had many conversations about the matter and I guess I just assumed.

They did have dialog where she could have told him before she gave him the rejection. I guess I keep thinking about what I would have done. I would have told a gal that I wasn't interested and that I wasn't in an open relationship as well. The double whammy. I know a closed relationship would have been a deal breaker for this guy. However, I can't project my own standards on my wife.

When she told me this morning, I went from protective to hurt to angry and finally fed up. I just wanted this to end. I made a snap decision and sent the message within just a few minutes. I guess I should have asked her if she would consider doing it. I asked her why she had not told him but she just shrugged her shoulders.

Later today she told me she felt like she failed in an open relationship. I don't think she wanted to give him the satisfaction. She also revealed some other motives that were not so innocent. I guess a little payback to the ex.

So there you have it folks. Awesome comments! I even liked the harsh ones.