did I screw up

[gorgeouskitten]

I have no problem with someone needing notes to themselves to make sure they discuss all their concerns during conversation.

But if you gave me a list of rules and regulations. Or a contract . I would be pissed off.

Agree with Dag. A written list might have thrown her, I know i wrote some thoughts down to talk to Nudge the other day, but I didnt hand him the list, I just referenced it while talking to him.

Also...curious...did you decide to be poly BEFORE getting married? because 4 months in is a very short marriage to throw poly in the mix.

 

[london]

What about if they've been together for fifteen years but only married recently? The norm is to be with someone for a while before you get married in the West. Do you think getting married would have destabilised their otherwise stable relationship? Why do you see their marriage as the beginning?

 

[gorgeouskitten]

What about if they've been together for fifteen years but only married recently? The norm is to be with someone for a while before you get married in the West. Do you think getting married would have destabilised their otherwise stable relationship? Why do you see their marriage as the beginning?

Oh. well good point. i guess I was thinknig of marriage as the start of living together, sharing more etc. but I could be way off base

 

[countryguy]

we both did agree on needing our rules and boundaries. and we also knew that we need to have them on paper just as a reminder and also prevent the he said she said arguments. she wasnt mad or upset with the fact i had done a rough draft it was more on a couple of the rules, boundaries or even a concern or two. yes when i did give it to her to have a chance to look it over more likely wasnt the best time to have done it. it was kinda a rough day and slightly so of an evening. we both know that poly isnt just about sex. it also about spending time with someone that you do have strong feelings about and having a great time with them. and i do hope that my wonderful and loving wife has a good time with her boyfriend and in doing so in return it makes the love we have for each other stronger and same with our marriage which for all the crap we go through with work and her in school our marriage is very strong. we both have totally agreed that communication is totally important through our lives, our relationship and that does include us trying out being poly. we still dont know if this what we want or if it will work out.

 

[Natja]

our relationship and that does include us trying out being poly. we still dont know if this what we want or if it will work out.

Hummm, bit late for that, didn't you say she actually has a boyfriend? How he feel about being an experiment?

 

[countryguy]

Hummm, bit late for that, didn't you say she actually has a boyfriend? How he feel about being an experiment?

nope her boyfriend she meet over 10 years ago but yet they only met once in person and that was back in january and i was with her. we met ate lunch with him and got back on the road. and he is fine with it and he respects me and his concern is that me and her are happy and that we come first before him. and he doesnt want to do cross any lines that will cause a lack of trust with me and her plus my wife and mine marriage.

 

[LovingRadiance]

I think it's important to understand that there are lots of different ways to do poly.

Sounds like you are doing a more family kind of poly, versus a solo poly. Both are great, but they work very differently with different expectations of parties involved. Which-as a result of the board being a mix-means you will get perspectives that won't pertain as much to your situation (but are still REALLY good to consider).

I always write my thoughts first.

But-as a receiver, I think I would prefer that I get a "honey-I wrote some of my concerns and fears out-I'm not sure this is a good time, and I'm not sure I wrote them well-but maybe you could look them over before next weekend so we can go over your thoughts, my thoughts and maybe come up with something a little more sensible for us?"
Before being handed a list of "rules".

My abnormal psych professor was just expressing last Wednesday how hlepful it is to lead into a difficult topic with "Hey-this is a difficult topic and I may hurt your feelings with my inability to express myself well, but it's not intentional and I hope you will be understanding of my failures and see my efforts."
This gives the other person warning to pause their own reactions, knowing you may come off as an ass, but aren't intending to.

It seems silly-like we should KNOW that already right? But somehow saying it makes it easier for the other person to REMEMBER it "in the heat of the moment".


As for the specifics you listed. I see no big deal with them.