Dipping toes in, general advice?

F

ForwardMotion

New member
First off a bit of history about me.

I'm a thirty year old woman with children from a previous marriage, 4 years into current marriage. I am the sole bread winner, he is mr mom.

Two years in to my current marriage I realized that I am not happy at all in a monogamous relationship. It doesn't matter who the partner is or how awesome they are, I simply need/want more.

Since I did make the commitment of marriage and he was not willing to change at that time I bid my time.

Every 3-6 months or so I would bring up the topic to him again. What if we did this, what if I tried that. How would you feel? Could you accept this?
I outlined parameters for how our relationship would look like with me and/or him having other partners or possibly the two of us sharing a partner.

In December his response was that he'd consider 'more' once our relationship was more solid. I agreed that that was a solid idea and that was that.

Now it's April and things are CHANGING!

He's told me he *wants* me to convince him to do the things or allow the things that I'm interested in. First, he allowed me to 'go there' online with a woman I'm ... quite infatuated with. Flirting and more sexual stuff is what I classify as 'going there' btw.

Next he accepted/supported me possibly developing feelings for her.

After that, he stretched the boundaries to allow me to have free reign with similar sorts of boundaries but with a man I'm interested in online.

When I brought up the idea of a local man, and different casual scenarios of getting to know them/having them around (random, no name or face attached to said possible scenario, and nothing sexual at all) he lost his shit!

I figure we're taking steps down the right road I want to travel. He is happy with me, and happier than he's been since he's now 'basking in my happy glow' as he puts it. I remind him that I am extra happy due to his stretching his boundaries and allowing me to do things that make me happier.


He has told me he'd feel more comfortable with me being in to a woman and trying stuff locally in that way instead of a man.
The problem is, I... don't think I'll ever be in to a woman other than the one I am interested in.
I feel like 'doing' a woman just to satisfy his required step along the path is BS and I'm not going to lower myself to that level to satisfy his curiosity in how jealous or not jealous he would feel with that situation.

I am most definitely interested in developing a relationship with a local man and seeing where that could go, but hubs can't abide the jealousy and imagined threat he feels that flames to life at the mere mention of the idea.


That being said, because he has moved as far as he has along the 'happy path' as I call it, I think he can get to the point that leaves us both happy and me with the freedom I need. He's gone from zero to where we are now over the past 2-3 weeks. Pretty fast for such large changes.

Do you all have some thoughts or suggestions on ways to ease him in to being comfortable or at least MORE comfortable (to the point where he's willing to try..) with me seeing someone -male- locally?

Reassuring him is certainly something I will do, but along with those reassurances I'd like to have other information and suggestions to share with him.



Related to the convincing him of the happy path is --- he'd like to see research on polyamory. What affects it has on a large pool of people, divorce rate etc.

I'm very new to all of this, but have been with you all in spirit for a couple years. Not versed in much of the lingo.

Thank you for your time ♥
 
ForwardMotion said:
Related to the convincing him of the happy path is --- he'd like to see research on polyamory. What affects it has on a large pool of people, divorce rate etc.
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In the US there's no such thing as polyamorous marriage rates... it's illegal, so I am doubtful you're going to find any good research on it. Further, the idea of divorce and relationship longevity doesn't apply in the same form to polyamory as it does to monogamy. The way people measure "success" in their polyamorous relationships varies wildly so any research you did find wouldn't mean very much.

Most of what you are going to find is anecdotal evidence, like life stories and life experiences. There is probably much more "poly ruined my life" out there than the types of positive and convincing articles you are looking for.
 
Do you all have some thoughts or suggestions on ways to ease him in to being comfortable or at least MORE comfortable (to the point where he's willing to try..) with me seeing someone -male- locally?
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Yes. Could slow down a bit and not rush.

Could note how many months it took to get to the recent developments of the last 2 weeks of online relationships being on the table. He was not willing at that time (at the start) and then given time he became more willing/able to stretch. It has unfolded well from the sound of it with that approach. Could do it the same way for local relationships. Take time, periodic check ins, etc. Not wig that at this time it bothers him. Bide your time and check in again much like before.

If you need concrete things to look at together to help the discussion -- maybe some of these?


Check your perception too.
He has told me he'd feel more comfortable with me being in to a woman and trying stuff locally in that way instead of a man.
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That to me is stating his current reality/current prefernce. Fair enough.

The problem is, I... don't think I'll ever be in to a woman other than the one I am interested in. I feel like 'doing' a woman just to satisfy his required step along the path is BS and I'm not going to lower myself to that level to satisfy his curiosity in how jealous or not jealous he would feel with that situation.
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Was this actually a "requirement" of his? Or you taking it that way? Could you please clarify? I could not tell from how it was written. I am confused.:confused:

There's also a difference between a sharing a local date and sharing sex. MANY steps in between!

Galagirl
 
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Thank you very much for the info and links, Marcus. Will check them out, have it bookmarked now.



GalaGirl said:
Yes. Could slow down a bit and not rush.

Was this actually a "requirement" of his? Or you taking it that way? Could you please clarify? I could not tell from how it was writted. I am confused.:confused:

There's also a difference between a sharing a local date and sharing sex. MANY steps in between!

Galagirl
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Thank you for the info and suggestions, Galagirl. I think you're correct, need to simmer and enjoy current stage a bit.

As far as if it's a requirement.. he mentioned different steps along the path that he envisions helping him get to where we want to be. This was one of the steps he mentioned. He said some steps can POSSIBLY be skipped, but it's hard to skip them, may not be able to be skipped.

I am not interested *exactly* in threesome or a swinging type thing.. He really is. At least he says he is.**(see below) I need to have a good emotional connection with someone and tons of trust to be willing to be sexually intimate. With that in mind, the steps he's outlined (at least some of them) will have to be skipped. If they are not, I will not be true to who I am.


***He is a carefully controlled feeler.. puts up walls as much as he can to protect himself but deep down he WANTS to be loved and cared about and cherished (ugh cheesy word but it applies). So I believe he would *love* to have a polyamorous relationship with someone, not simply swing or random bang. He is not yet living as his true self.
 
Suggestions:

Slow down. If it took two years to consider; exoect two more to the next step.

There is SOME research. If you have access to a college library you can do searches for it. I have been doing exactly that the least year for various reports in school as polyamory is my key topic in my psych degree. HOWEVER-It is VERY minimal as marcus said and often it isnt under "polyamory" that you find it. Open relationships, non-monogamy and other more common terms tend to be more fruitful.

There are books: a wide variety, regarding poly, open relationships etc. read them together.
There are tons of websites. Go thru them together.
 
The key words there to me are "he envisions." Have you shared the steps "you envision?"

And how to keep talking so it becomes the plan "WE envision?"

And when the person X is no longer theoretical but actually there ... be inclusive so they too get a voice? And it becomes the 3 people's shared vision for how this is to unfold?

There is no rush. You guys can do this. Take it easy ... one thing at a time.

Galagirl
 
Don't allow any sexist nonsense where women are okay but men aren't. Challenge that view now.
 
why did you bother remarrying if you knew this about yourself? You seem very annoyed by what he is asking of you because it is preventing you from being "true to yourself". Meanwhile you are dragging a man kicking and screaming that you have only been married to for 4 years who I assume expected monogamy, towards polyamory. I wonder if he feels true to himself?
 
Hubby needs to do some serious analysis of his thought process. He should ask himself why, exactly, he feels safer if you are with a woman instead of a man. Basically that is a sexist and degrading (to women) viewpoint. When a man believes that a woman is less of a threat to him than a man could be, that speaks volumes about how little he thinks of women, women's sexuality, and the potential depth of a woman-to-woman connection. You could fall in love with a woman but it wouldn't be threat, since that's not a real relationship, right? But for you to be with a man, oh shit! Then he'll be wondering how his dick compares to the other guy's and all kinds of competitive crap. Is he afraid you'll leave him for another guy (essentially is saying that your word to him means nothing)? Or does your husband believe that he must not be man enough for you, if you want another one?

All of this is stuff he needs to look at and dissect, to get down to the underlying fears, insecurities, and prejudices. Because ultimately, if you two agree to a polyamorous arrangement, it is not healthy for either one of you to make "rules" about who the other one can date and have sex with, or what each of you can or cannot do, feel, or say with your other partners. Each person in a dyad should manage their own relationship, and not try to run any of the other relationships their partner is in.

Be patient. You two have a lot more talking to do, and it could be another year or two more before both of you are really ready.
 
graviton said:
why did you bother remarrying if you knew this about yourself? You seem very annoyed by what he is asking of you because it is preventing you from being "true to yourself". Meanwhile you are dragging a man kicking and screaming that you have only been married to for 4 years who I assume expected monogamy, towards polyamory. I wonder if he feels true to himself?
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You may have noticed this statement I made? "Two years in to my current marriage I realized that I am not happy at all in a monogamous relationship."

So I did not enter a marriage expecting monogamy knowing this. That would be ridiculous.

Hmm. Kicking and screaming. Telling me he wants me to convince him of it equates kicking and screaming? I believe our viewpoints differ on that.

Yes, only been 4 years married. Been together for 8 years.

You seem to want to paint me as ... kind of a villain. I'm happy to let him loose if that's what he chooses, but he wants the opposite. Quite vehemently tells me he does not want to part.

-------

nycindie said:
Hubby needs to do some serious analysis of his thought process. He should ask himself why, exactly, he feels safer if you are with a woman instead of a man. Basically that is a sexist and degrading (to women) viewpoint.
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That's... a disturbing thought. Agree.
nycindie said:
All of this is stuff he needs to look at and dissect, to get down to the underlying fears, insecurities, and prejudices. Because ultimately, if you two agree to a polyamorous arrangement, it is not healthy for either one of you to make "rules" about who the other one can date and have sex with, or what each of you can or cannot do, feel, or say with your other partners. Each person in a dyad should manage their own relationship, and not try to run any of the other relationships their partner is in.
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Agreed.

nycindie said:
Be patient. You two have a lot more talking to do, and it could be another year or two more before both of you are really ready.
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Hum... :\ I feel like I've been very patient with him and it's time for change. We most definitely have tons more talking to do.



edit: was trying to post this for the past day -- kept getting 'bad gateway'

Looking over the above I sound particularly aggro.. not my intention. :\
 
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