Don't Know Where Else to Turn

[swannway]

Thank you for your replies, but it was a mistake to come here. Since they won't delete the thread or delete my account, I ask that you just leave me be.

 

[anamikanon]

over the past year I've felt the increasing desire to forge new relationships. When I eventually had a three day online exchange (relatively harmless but still emotional) with a man, my husband of ten years found out about it after online man and I had agreed that this was a BAD idea because we had both developed strong feelings. So I confessed to my husband, felt like a terrible person, and framed this as an emotional affair and a betrayal. I entered therapy.

What you are saying is that you felt attraction to people outside your marriage and acted on it without discussion with your husband. When found out, you opted for therapy. Ok. What did the therapy help you see about this situation?

I felt a lot of pressure from all quarters (friends, therapist, husband and his therapist) to label this as a something that signified a problem in my primary relationship. But I dug in my heels, because I am very happy with my husband.

It is possible to be happy with someone and still have problems in the relationship (that impact the other more than you, but you too, when the other refuses to play along). Countless men are very happy with their wives who feed them to avoid trouble when they land up drunk. They'd be most unhappy if the wives left and they had no one to give them basic comforts. But yep, there is definitely a problem in the relationship. In my view, it is definitely a problem to be in a monogamous relationship and knowingly seek other relationships without any discussion with partner about opening up.

But he's only one person and I crave on a core emotional and sexual level to know more men in this lifetime.

There is an ongoing debate on whether sex is a need or want with passionate arguments on both sides. Regardless, a lifetime is a pretty long duration and allows you some period to prepare for it and do it ethically.

The goodbye with internet man did not stick. Cue months and months of back and forth and an inability to cut ties. In all of this I was 100% transparent with my husband. He wasn't happy, but he appreciated my honesty.

I understand this to mean that he was against it, he is monogamous, but sucked it up and tolerated what he could not prevent to avoid rocking the boat of the holy matrimony.

Eventually my husband realized this "problem" wasn't going to go away and he has allowed me to have a platonic-like relationship with my online friend. But it has been a total disaster in terms of how my husband has handled it, even given the platonic boundaries. He just cannot stomach the idea of me having any relationship with another man, even one that is unconsummated.

He sounds monogamous, with an unfavorable introduction to poly. He cannot see any good coming out of being blindsided by you seeking relationships whether he likes it or not.

And it's really starting to sink in that he likely will never change, or I can't expect him to.

Likely true. Also I think the manner in which you went about this torpedoed any chances you had of convincing him that this could be an empowering choice for at least you, possibly both. However, I think you are confusing the issue. You'll find in these forums, loads of POLYAMOROUS people devastated by their partners developing relationships secretly. It isn't about a closed mono mindset so much as no one likes this kind of surprise in a relationship that is supposed to be based on trust.

I'm still left with the idea that I'm trapped.

You are. If you are interested in poly, this existing relationship doesn't sound like fertile, supportive ground.

And it's hard, because he can just rest on the idea of "this is the norm" and the legitimacy that that brings and doesn't really have to address any of his own insecurities and possessiveness.

Sometimes I am so jealous of "normal" people who don't have to be bothered with examining what they know is right. It can be exhausting to examine everything and pick and choose for yourself, regardless of where the herd is going. You get what is "right" on a platter. Implement it, and voila - you're a good person. No bothersome soul searching and irritating grey areas.

I can't challenge my husband to "evolve" because the insecurity that I sense in him finds legitimacy in a system.

Actually, I think you can't challenge your husband to "evolve" because I don't think polyamory is a trait linked with evolution. If anything, monogamy likely came after it. Would you evolve if he challenged you? Wait. He already did. We have that answer.

I think looking down on him as some kind of inferior being because he didn't accept you walking all over him forever when you got your whim to go poly is a bit rich. An evolved mind ought to be able to articulate their needs and manage them without discarding commitments made unilaterally.

Polyamory is about many LOVES. Your behavior with your husband is not coming across as loving at all. Not only did you not inform him of your seeking other relationships, you had no concern for his feelings when he did find out. He still accommodated your "cravings" till it did not work for him at all. He seems to have acted on love and sacrifice way more than you have while you seem to see yourself as some kind of evolved being as opposed to him and make claims to a love while your actions describe complete unconcern for his preferences.

And then I get so down on myself and feel selfish and like something is wrong with me that I would even think that something is "wrong" with my husband that he can't accept that I can share love and that it doesn't mean I love him any less.

I am not your husband, but I don't think there is anything wrong in him not being able to accept that you can share love. In your post I am not able to see you love him at all, so what is there to share? Merely claiming to love someone while considering yourself superior and hurting those you claim to love is bullshit dishonesty. Even polyamorous couples discuss what is okay between them and what is not. They have boundaries that are negotiated with mutual consent. Because unevolved as it may sound, love is supposed to be MUTUAL, not one person pursuing joy and leaving the other miserable.

It's a mess. Any guidance you could provide on how to continue to broach this issue with my decidedly-mono husband would be much appreciated.

Learn humility. Discuss your actions and their impact with your husband. Accept that opening your relationship has to be a mutual decision with equal votes to both. Accept that he doesn't owe you suffering heartbreak just because you discovered something cool that makes you happy. No one has a right to expect others to be miserable so they can go their merry way. Explain your desires. Ask for his support. If he refuses to give it, suck it up and call it life, or separate from him and do whatever you wish.

Being poly doesn't give us the right to inflict our poly on others, like the world owes us some kind of karmic tribute for discovering what pleases us. If your happiness is important in a relationship, so is his. And if both cannot coexist, they must be pursued separately, not inflicted on the other because you'd like to have your cake and eat it too.

Even if you leave him and find a dozen partners, I don't see this kind of entitlement leading to joyous relationships.

 

[Bluebird]

I think the previous poster comes across as a bit harsh, but I find a lot of truth in what was written. If poly isn't introduced in an ethical manner, if it isn't practiced in an ethical manner, it does more harm than good. I think you've given your husband a very bad taste in his mouth regarding poly, and I don't blame him for not wanting to entertain the idea.

I am not hearing a joyous yes here from him, regardless of what has happened previously. Moving forward, a begrudging tolerance doesn't equal happiness. If you truly want to explore a poly life, you need to separate from this man so you both can both be living your truth.

 

[Al99]

Learn humility. Discuss your actions and their impact with your husband. Accept that opening your relationship has to be a mutual decision with equal votes to both. Accept that he doesn't owe you suffering heartbreak just because you discovered something cool that makes you happy. No one has a right to expect others to be miserable so they can go their merry way. Explain your desires. Ask for his support. If he refuses to give it, suck it up and call it life, or separate from him and do whatever you wish.

Being poly doesn't give us the right to inflict our poly on others, like the world owes us some kind of karmic tribute for discovering what pleases us. If your happiness is important in a relationship, so is his. And if both cannot coexist, they must be pursued separately, not inflicted on the other because you'd like to have your cake and eat it too.

This really is the conundrum - married couple, happy together, very much in love, great sex, no desire to even consider splitting up - perhaps kids, family, a home involved. Sure - normal spats - but a generally good mono marriage - there are such things - I've seen many. But, over time, one wants to adopt poly (perhaps just in a general way or maybe due a specific other person) - lets say it is the wife this time. The couple lives by a code of openness and honesty so an affair or even DADT is out of the question.

The wife talks to her husband about it. He listens and they talk and he even thinks it over - but, at the end of the day, just cannot tolerate the idea even though he understands the concepts intellectually. He cannot accept the poly lifestyle. What is to be done? They are not willing to split up - they truly love each other and have a great marriage - and perhaps they have kids who need their family environment. She will not leave him to pursue poly, or pursue poly without his consent and will not cheat on him. It seems that one of them will be unhappy if he truly cannot come to accept poly - yet splitting up would make them even more unhappy. If he begrudgingly gives in - he will be miserable. And she will be miserable if he refuses to budge on the issue. Maybe one of them loves the other enough to forego their preference for the sake of the other - yet that partner will be unhappy because of it.

A conundrum - and there may not be a logical, rational answer. This scenario was exactly our case - kids, family, home included. The only difference was that we have a friend who is poly and we had discussed it - so I had read some on poly out of curiosity. So, I was open enough to consider it. And I did - ultimately I could find no rational justification that I should be the one to give in - she was the one who was asking to modify our marriage contract (I often read on this forum about the "ownership" idea - how one partner doesn't own the other - to forbid them from poly. True enough - but marriage, or even a spoken agreement, is a contract - legal, moral, ethical, spiritual -- choose any or all that apply - and the one wanting poly is the one
asking to modify that contract).

But I did anyway, out of love, and because I knew that she would be so miserable that it would affect the home environment - including our young daughter. The logic behind poly is an important tool in coming to terms with a poly marriage - but ultimately is comes down to acceptance at a personal or spiritual level. And eventually I did find a level of acceptance - not enough, perhaps, to say that this is now my preferred lifestyle - but enough to appreciate that my wife has found some new happiness in her life.

A couple of cents worth. Your mileage may vary.

Al