ebb n flo

For a while I was searching for this set point I could look at and be like "whew I made it" as in adjusting to loving two people; really 'figuring things out'. I think the past few months I've realized there is no definable milestone in which I'll know that... It's as if I was expecting more from polyamory than I was from my previous monogamous relationships. I never thought I had everything figured out then either!
The past few weeks have been really great; all three of us are home again and hanging out. I have been dealing with some frustration with not getting enough time with P since J has been back. Really just the way things go I guess? There aren't two of me, so there are some time/space constraints. I also got really used to time alone with P while J was gone. J goes back to work this week though, so that will probably let up some. J has been way more understanding of me and P's feelings, and I have also realized that we (P and I) will not get time alone if we don't take it. Until recently I felt guilty taking time for just me and P but I discussed that with J and while he's not going to create that space for me (duh why would he it doesn't have to do with him) he has no problem with me making that space, especially if it makes me happy.
Initially I didn't like defining myself as polyamorous but I think that's just because of all the preconceptions and judgements I had before starting this journey. I have found it so hard to tell friends of mine about these relationships; I get differing opinions and reactions that I'm sure everyone on this page can relate with. If I tell someone about J and P, most people assume that I don't really care about J. Even though we're married, it's as if that no longer means anything in people's eyes once they find out I'm also in a relationship with P. If I don't tell people (the route I take 90% of the time), obviously no one is aware of me and P's feelings for each other. Makes sense, but sometimes it wears on me to hear people ask him why he's not dating other women, ask who he's sleeping with, have friends of mine develop crushes for him, commenting on what a catch he would be for someone else, his family and my family not knowing how important we are in each other's lives (aside from as friends), etc.
Being polyamorous has taught me that I really don't need the validation of others in my relationships. As someone who was in an abusive relationship, after that I relied a lot on the opinions of my friends to keep me 'safe'... now I have learned to trust myself and my partner(s) instead of leaning on external validation. It has been hard for sure (maybe transformative is a better word). I still am not sure I've really found a friend I can talk to who gets it and sees me/my relationships the way I would like them to be seen... New friends don't know enough and old friends have been hard to convince. I guess that's what therapy is for lol; I actually talk to my therapist (I've been seeing her for over a year) about sex/all my relationship stuff since I can't really tell my friends about it, which is funny but also sad. Not writing friends off for their judgements has been HARD but if this wasn't how I wanted to live my life, who knows how I would feel about it from the outside.
 
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