Mellizandra
New member
I've been in open/ poly relationships my whole life, but always I started in a relationship with someone currently single and we went from there. Most of the "secondary" relationships I had were not very long/ intense.
For the past two years I have been involved with someone, he is married and his wife and I get along really well. I'm head over heels in love with him and he is with me, everyone (his and her family and friends as well as mine) know it. It's well established that his relationship with me is real and I have no concerns about that. In general the relationship is great except for two issues.
The one issue (the one I am less concerned about) is that both her and I have very high sex drives. She has a couple of FWBs that she sees a few times a month and I see him 3 nights a week, but we don't have sex every time we see each other - both her and I are suffering as he's more of a 3 times a week maybe 4 times a week in total guy. I don't currently have the time or energy to invest in finding an additional partner, and honestly for the first time in my life I don't really want anyone else. I feel like I'm going through a mono phase if that makes sense? But I find myself very frustrated sexually. It doesn't help that sex with him is the best I have ever had lol.
The second issue, and the one that is really bothering me the most, is envy of their history. I've never been in this situation before and it's really bugging me lately. I miss that him and I have never been able to just hang out if we want, we've never been able to just do what feels natural in the beginning of a relationship. I always had to be considerate of her feelings and how much time I was spending with him. For the first year we rarely spent 3 nights a week together and for me, being limited as to how much time I can spend with someone while falling in love felt very constricting. lately I find myself wishing that we could have had that, that we could have it now. If I want to see him or have him here, or if he wants me, we could just do it. It's like I am mourning the loss of what could have been and what will never been and honestly it's beginning to affect my relationship with her. I find myself not wanting to see her (we really are good friends and I loved spending time with her without him). It's like our relationship has always been on the go slow because of his current relationship and it feels unfair. Logically I knew what I was getting into and we really did fall in love fast and I know he loves me and I have never been treated secondary by either of them. We are planning on moving in together, but even with all of this I can't shake the whole "she had him first and he committed to her first so I should always respect that and make sure their relationship has priority" and "I wish I'd been able to fall in love with him freely without having to worry about how everything I do affects someone else he cares for".
I don't know how to stop this and it's driving me crazy. I love him and I love her as a friend dearly and I really don't want to feel this way as I should be so happy that I have found him as a partner and her as a friend - any suggestions at all would be greatly appreciated!
And yes, I've spoken to him about both of these issues, they are not something he can help with really. He'd be fine if I had another partner/ FWB to help with the sex issue, I just don't have the will or time (my job's had me working crazy hours the last few months) to find someone else and he can't change history lol
For the past two years I have been involved with someone, he is married and his wife and I get along really well. I'm head over heels in love with him and he is with me, everyone (his and her family and friends as well as mine) know it. It's well established that his relationship with me is real and I have no concerns about that. In general the relationship is great except for two issues.
The one issue (the one I am less concerned about) is that both her and I have very high sex drives. She has a couple of FWBs that she sees a few times a month and I see him 3 nights a week, but we don't have sex every time we see each other - both her and I are suffering as he's more of a 3 times a week maybe 4 times a week in total guy. I don't currently have the time or energy to invest in finding an additional partner, and honestly for the first time in my life I don't really want anyone else. I feel like I'm going through a mono phase if that makes sense? But I find myself very frustrated sexually. It doesn't help that sex with him is the best I have ever had lol.
The second issue, and the one that is really bothering me the most, is envy of their history. I've never been in this situation before and it's really bugging me lately. I miss that him and I have never been able to just hang out if we want, we've never been able to just do what feels natural in the beginning of a relationship. I always had to be considerate of her feelings and how much time I was spending with him. For the first year we rarely spent 3 nights a week together and for me, being limited as to how much time I can spend with someone while falling in love felt very constricting. lately I find myself wishing that we could have had that, that we could have it now. If I want to see him or have him here, or if he wants me, we could just do it. It's like I am mourning the loss of what could have been and what will never been and honestly it's beginning to affect my relationship with her. I find myself not wanting to see her (we really are good friends and I loved spending time with her without him). It's like our relationship has always been on the go slow because of his current relationship and it feels unfair. Logically I knew what I was getting into and we really did fall in love fast and I know he loves me and I have never been treated secondary by either of them. We are planning on moving in together, but even with all of this I can't shake the whole "she had him first and he committed to her first so I should always respect that and make sure their relationship has priority" and "I wish I'd been able to fall in love with him freely without having to worry about how everything I do affects someone else he cares for".
I don't know how to stop this and it's driving me crazy. I love him and I love her as a friend dearly and I really don't want to feel this way as I should be so happy that I have found him as a partner and her as a friend - any suggestions at all would be greatly appreciated!
And yes, I've spoken to him about both of these issues, they are not something he can help with really. He'd be fine if I had another partner/ FWB to help with the sex issue, I just don't have the will or time (my job's had me working crazy hours the last few months) to find someone else and he can't change history lol
