Epiphany

E

ElMango

Member
I had an epiphany so I guess I'm hunting for validation and some input

Honestly this emotional release makes me want to cry but I'm at work

So I realized some of my fears/insecurities came from my childhood of not being equal to my brother, not being appreciated by parents,, past abusive relationships, that i buried.

So I realized, I wouldn't enforce these thoughts in child-me. I wouldn't tell a child "i will stop loving you or love you less" hell I wouldn't say that to my dog! So why would I say that to me now. Why would i ASSUME that about me or others now?
Why would I tell myself mean mean things about my body?

This has been what's affecting me in ny relationships now. I mean, other factors are obviously involved. I akso realized that I'm overthinking things because I realized I'd be 100% supportive and excited about a different meta that may come at some point. Again, I'm being so mean and judgmental and not compassionate to me.

I mean, breaking this cycle will be hard and I'm not sure where to start, and I know this self awareness is a first step .
 
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Hi El,

I can really relate with what you're saying, I tend to beat myself up whenever I make a mistake. It is hard to overcome my childhood conditioning, my mother was extremely critical, which she feels awful about now, but the damage was already done. Sometimes you have to look at yourself and say, "Would I treat a friend this way?" and then you have to be willing to be your own friend.

Hopefully that makes sense ...
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
It makes perfect sense to me.

Childhood conditioning can definitely become a roadblock. I've done therapy; graduated from it whole nine yards. But there are certain things you've assumed you've dealt with until something triggers those buried feelings. Which because you've thought you handled that shit can mae it harder to identify that, hey, that's actually this issue here. And that issue is absolutely manageable now that you've got it on lock.

Hell, realizing all of this basically within 24 hours helped my brain resent and made my body image issues chill (I'm eating disorder recovering), and made me 100% chill about any meta issues (I was worrying I had issues with ALL when in fact, I put it into perspective and was like "but...this person actually sounds AWESOME to be a meta")...it also helps that my insomnia is relenting too. One week of actual sleep for the first time in 2 years. (Bananas fixed shit I stg; no doctor did), and I really feel waaaaay more secure in all relationships and more empowered to not be a pushover.

My brain likes homework; so now that I've given myself homework it's very goal oriented!
 
Sounds like a good step on the path to recovery from the eating disorders.

My parents treated me badly too, when I get upset I find eating very difficult.

xx
 
BirdsNest said:
Sounds like a good step on the path to recovery from the eating disorders.

My parents treated me badly too, when I get upset I find eating very difficult.

xx
Click to expand...

I like to say I'm physically recovered but mentally still not 100%. Like...a solid 80% but that 20% can still fuck with a person
 
That's me too ... 80% okay but there's always a 20% lurking in the background.
 
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