Feel uncomfortable living with metamour

S

shiomi

New member
Hello. I'm mono and have been reading posts here for about a week. I'm not sure where else to look for advice on this, as my poly girlfriend gets very upset about it whenever I try to talk about it to her.

I have been dating Maya for two years, long-distance. I lived with my mentally, emotionally, verbally abusive family during this time. I have finally gotten the chance to move in with Maya and her girlfriend (June) and out of my former home. Here I have more access to public transportation and can look for work. I thought that I would be okay living with June.

Brief background: My relationship with Maya started as mono. She moved in with June, and a few months later asked me if she could be poly with her. I thought I'd be okay with it, so I said yes. June and Maya have been dating since November of last year.

Maya is also in debt to June for a few thousand dollars because Maya's employment situation was messed up just after she relocated to the area. I knew Maya was in debt to June. It did not bother me. However, I did not know June's attitude on money. Since I have gotten here, June has made a couple of remarks about me ordering a pizza and some tights (I had no cold weather clothes and have been stocking up). I tried to ignore them. Then, after a two-year anniversary celebration with Maya (cost $50), June sat us down and told us that we were being irresponsible, and could not be spending money on dinner or "kitchen things" (a plastic pitcher and strainer, $10).

All of the things she was complaining about were things I had purchased, not Maya. I would not make Maya spend money she does not have. I am also good for rent with my student loans. I have applied to many jobs and am making finding employment a 20-hour-a-week commitment. I was shocked that June was so upset about me spending my discretionary budget. I've literally heard her say that we should live off sandwiches and noodles until we have more money. (I have an eating disorder, and having my food controlled by someone else makes me relapse, so that I only eat one small meal a day, if I do eat at all.)

I've tried to talk to Maya about how uncomfortable this makes me. I've told her that I don't feel safe in the apartment anymore and how I don't want to leave my room if June is home. I know that this is because of my abusive background and mental health issues, but I also feel like my every move is being watched. I feel like if I'm not spending my time finding a way to make money, I'm going to be judged and berated by June. I'm terrified of talking to June, to the point where I've been throwing up from anxiety at night and not sleeping.

Maya just gets upset and says that how is she supposed to take me hating her girlfriend. I don't hate June, really, I just don't feel safe here anymore, and I don't understand why my spending has to be line-item approved when I'm not the one in debt to June. All I want is to remove myself from the situation, or to be in a situation where I don't feel watched and controlled. I think I would be back to being okay again if that was so. I talked to Maya a lot about this today and thought she understood, then overheard June's sandwich/noodles comment and Maya agreeing. I'm now scared to do anything but sleep, do classwork, and look for jobs. I don't feel comfortable here. I felt safer walking around my home with my abusive family.

I don't know how to talk to Maya about this because Maya loves June so much. She always centers it back on me not being comfortable with someone she loves. Since I am not poly, and since I'm often panicking about this situation, I don't know how to reassure Maya that I'm not asking her to break up with June. At this point, I want to talk about moving out when I have a full-time job, because I'm so scared of being around June. I hope that will change when I have more money. But I think that Maya would take that as me asking to break up with her. I don't know what to do. I just spend my entire day scared, and I don't leave the room (unless I have to go somewhere) if Maya isn't home.

I need advice on talking to Maya. I feel like I can't ask June to change her watching my spending until I have a full-time job, which is making me even more anxious about finding work. I just feel so isolated, more alone than I have ever felt in my entire life. I don't feel like I can reach out to traditional support venues because they won't understand the poly angle. Someone please help me.
 
Tell June the control freak that she is not the boss of you and to mind her own fucking business. You are letting her have this power over you. That's just all there is to it. Grow a spine. Yes, it really is that simple.
 
I second BoringGuy. You need to put your foot down. As long as you are paying your agreed-upon share of expenses, the rest of your finances are none of her business. Part of being an adult is taking care of yourself; that includes setting and maintaining personal boundaries. You need to make that boundary clear and not allow her to cross it.
 
Yes, you need to stand up for yourself and create your own sense of safety. They only affect you this way because you are cowering in the corner. This is not your abusive family, it's just a person who is arrogant and bossy.

If June even starts a conversation with you about money, plant your feet firmly, interrupt her, and say, "My money is my business, not yours. I pay my fair share on time and do not owe you anything, so stop this right now. It isn't your place to tell me how to run my life and manage my money. If Maya doesn't mind you bossing her around just because she owes you money, that is between you two and has nothing to do with me, so BACK OFF! I will not tolerate that from you or anyone." Then, do not leave the room. Just stay put and do not waver.
 
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@BoringGuy If growing a spine were really that simple, then I think no one would ever be trapped in an abusive situation. I should have put more detail in about how failing my mental health is at this point in my life and for that I am sorry. However, it helped that you said it, because this has made me think that I may need some emergency care if I am so off-balance for what seems to others to be a relatively simple situation, so I will be looking into it.

@LovingRadiance I will try. I'm looking into therapy and emergency psychological care because it's become clear that there's something deeply wrong with me. However it helps to see that I'm not the only one who feels like J's behavior is unjustified.

@nycindie Thank you for the sentence about J not being the same as my abusive family. It has been very hard for me to mentally separate the two and having some new adjectives to describe the situation helps. I'm going to copy down what you said to tell her and memorize it. And my instinct would be to run from the room, so I will try to stay in it when the conversation happens.

Thanks all.
 
It really is simple to grow a spine as far as dealing with J is concerned.

Your mental health is another ball of wax to deal with or without J. I never tried to imply that you can fix yourself by "growing a spine". I said that it was how you need to handle J. That is something you can do without needing therapy. Believe me, this won't be the last obnoxious person you'll ever meet. Especially since i am in the Boston area. This will be good practice for when you take the T during rush hour.

Really. Seriously, don't let other people fuck up your shit.
 
You do need to sit down and have a conversation with J. Maybe someplace neutral, like a coffee shop, the park, etc. As long as you are paying your share of the bills, she has no business getting on your case about your spending. It is very possible that she is resenting lending M money only to watch her not be frugal in her spending and is transferring all that to you as an extension of her frustration with M. Not exactly fair and she should be called on it. In a polite way of course, "Hey, please don't take your frustration with M and HER finances out on me, I have nothing to do with it".

Do you pay the rent to M, J or the landlord? If you are paying M and leaving it to her to forward everything, that's probably not a great idea in this situation. It sounds like she might be afraid that she will end up having to support 2 people, because all she really knows is that you are also unemployed and looking for work. Relieve her fears about your financial situation. Ask her if you guys can come to an understanding and what would make the whole living situation run smoother.
 
I need advice on talking to M.
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Nope. Do not put M in the middle. The one making inappropriate comments about your wallet is June. So the next time June makes a comment, you could respond to June.

J has made a couple of remarks about me ordering a pizza and some tights.
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You could be the "weather reporter" and just state what you see, what you hear, what is:
  • "Yes, I bought a pizza for my dinner. Thanks."
  • Yes. I bought some tights for my legs. Thanks."

Play the broken record. Eventually June will get tired of your non-engaging. It takes two to tango. Choose not to dance.

You could also "point out the dog" and play that record. When you have a baby, you are always saying things like "See the dog? Can you say dog?" You could do the same and point to the boundary and her crossing the line.
"June, how I spend my money is my responsibility. Would you please respect that how I spend my money is up to me and not comment on it unless I ask for input?"
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And just lather, rinse, repeat that.

Here's another broken record to play: "Thank you. But in this matter, please do not worry or stress yourself out for my sake. "

After a two-year anniversary celebration with Maya (cost $50), June sat us down and told us that we were being irresponsible and could not be spending money on dinner or "kitchen things" (a plastic pitcher and strainer, $10).
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You could try to look for the feelings behind the words, but that's tricky knowing that Maya owes June a few K. I am going to guess this-- Maybe June did not even have it to lend, really, and she's strapped now.

Since you are ok money-wise, and can take Maya out for your anniversary, maybe June's roundabout fusspot at you both about being "irresponsible" is her projecting on to you what she feels.

That June was "irresponsible" loaning out more than she could afford to loan
That Maya is "irresponsibly" goofing off having good times with her other honey, rather than working hard to pay June back
And perhaps June is now feeling left out/jealous that you can afford to take your shared partner out, and June cannot

You could simply ask June something like:

"I see that it bothers you that I took Maya out to celebrate. I do not understand why it bothers you. Would you please explain why? "
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But if you really don't want to go there... don't. *shrug*

If June was not on that date, how does she know if you spent $50 or $500? If Maya is telling June about your finances, that is the only thing you need to tell Maya.

"Please do not share information about my personal purchases with other people." You could also not go shopping with Maya if she's a "leaky hinge" and this stuff just inspires June on toward more inappropriate comments, upset behavior.

If you can afford to move out, do it. You can still date Maya, still be polite to June. But then you would not have to be around for household drama foo-foo. You don't even have to tell June the real reason why-- that she annoys you as a roomie.

Just say thank you for helping you "bridge the gap" from you leaving your parental home, and that you are ready to move to the next step toward your dream of having a flat of your own.

There's places you could take this so that you are looking out for your own best healths without having to get sucked into other people's weirdness.

Galagirl
 
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It's not always easy to stand up against someone who's been living in a place longer then you have. It's as if you're lower down on the pecking order because you came last, and maybe that's what gives June the imaginary belief that she can boss you around.

What Gala Girl said about the broken record is really spot on. You need to think of some phrases, or really, just some verbal self-defense sentences, to use against June when she tries to tell you what to do. Keep repeating them. The repetitiveness of what you're going to be telling June is going to sound strange to your own ears. But keep it up. It may even infuriate her (and yes, making someone mad is probably the last thing you want to do, but short of making her violent, you'll want her to know that you are firm in your beliefs and will not back down). Eventually, she will start to respect you.

The alternative is to allow what's been going on to continue, or maybe even get worse. So if you're going to do this, do it sooner then later. The longer you wait, the harder it's going to be to change her attitude about you.

.
 
What everyone else said.

My suggestion is to figure out an exit plan. It sounds like you have a glimmer of one anyway-- looking for part time work and so on. Make that explicit. Figure out how to get from where you are now to where you want to be. I find having a plan comforting, even if the payoff is not immediate. I also understand that creating plans is very hard when dealing with mental health problems. It can seem insurmountable. So maybe start small. Plan how to deal with June's money assholery, hen how to get a job, save money, and so on.

Of course, if the only problem in living with them is that June is a bit of an ass about money, you may want to address that problem, and if that is resolved (you got some great suggestions on that), you may enjoy living there. But it kinda sounds like they have some other issues that may impact you adversely.
 
opalescent said:
Of course, if the only problem in living with them is that June is a bit of an ass about money, you may want to address that problem and if that is resolved (you got some great suggestions on that), you may enjoy living there. But it kinda sounds like they have some other issues that may impact you adversely.
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I'll tell you what the "issue" is with June "being an ass about money." I've encountered folks like this before. June has a "thing" about bailing people out financially, so that she can feel justified about micromanaging their basic needs. This is totally a control thing and probably is deeply based in June's upbringing. I'm suspecting whichever one of her parents was the "primary breadwinner" always held it over the head of the other and said things like, "I pay the bills, I should make the decisions."

Of course, I know nothing at all about this, but it is a game I play with myself to make these speculations and see how right I am after all. I would say I am right at least 50% of the time, but again, my stats are not complete.
 
There's some good advice here.

I will say that, not knowing details, if June has given/loaned thousands to Maya (that's a lot of money!), J may have some legitimate complaints here. I've been in the position of helping people financially when I didn't necessarily have much to spare myself, and then watching them buy nail polish and pizza and wine coolers and other things that really do add up, week after week, while telling me they're flat broke and can't repay their obligations yet. Not knowing June, she may have lent money out of wanting to control and hold things over someone, or she may have lent it out of kindness and a desire to help out.

This, of course, is between Maya and June. I'm just saying that for you, if that's what's going on, I think it'll help you to understand why June is frustrated. And if you're paying your obligations, and not harming June financially in any way, then your finances are not her business, and she does need to understand that.

For the rest, one comment that really helped me get out of a semi-abusive situation was, "Get some counseling and get strong enough to do what you need to do."

How is your job situation? Can you move into your own apartment? Can you find a single roommate, where it's strictly a living situation or only friendship, such that you lose some of this emotional component?
 
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