AstroTree
New member
Hello, All... this is my first post here. I've been feeling pretty down about this for awhile, and don't know what to do.
I have an amazingly kind, loving, and supportive partner. We've been together for just over a year and a half. I was seeing another person, more of a friends with benefits situation, on and off for about a year. That pretty much fizzled out over time, and we remain friends. My main partner started seeing a nifty person about a month ago after being friends for awhile first. I've met her, and think she's pretty great. They don't spend much time together compared to us, and they haven't been sexually intimate yet.
So that's the poly-specific context... As for me, I've been dealing with often-severe chronic pain without a solid diagnosis (yet) for the last 5 months. I can't say I feel terribly attractive these days, and I feel like I am becoming the most boring person on earth. I want to meet new people and am looking around online; no luck so far. I'm rather picky, and if I'm going to make an effort to meet someone from a dating site, it really has to be worth the energy I need to save up for it. (I don't mean this in an elitist way, it's just the practical reality I am dealing with due to my health.)
I spend a lot of time alone, because I am usually in too much pain and/or lack energy or $ to do much, though I do love to get out more when I can. I have to ration my energy very carefully, and it's very difficult for me to make plans. I never know how well or unwell I might feel on a given day. This has been incredibly frustrating, but my partner can always lift me up and make me smile, simply by being himself. I do a lot of crafting whenever I can, but pain & numbness in my arms doesn't always allow for that. I want to have more going on in my life, and the dissatisfaction I'm feeling with my health and general situation is probably a significant factor in feeling so down about this, but I've been feeling this way long before the health crap became such a huge thing...
Ever since the initial NRE wore off, my main partner has had very little interest in sex with me... We've barely had any at all in the past year. He has had his own share of chronic pain issues, but can maintain a much better baseline of energy and activity than I am capable of anymore. I never want to get into any kind of "my pain > yours" BS with him... even so, I can't help wondering: if I can try to initiate sex, then why can't he? I try to talk about it with him in a non-blaming way and ask him to work with me on this, and he's simply not engaged in the conversation. He just looks sad and doesn't say much. His job takes a lot out of him & I do understand this, but when your partner almost never initiates the slightest sexual touch, you start getting really sick of hearing "I'm tired" and it just feels like an excuse.
I feel that he devotes time and energy towards everything except for us to have sex life. Now that he's involved with someone else, I feel pretty much completely forgotten about when it comes to sex... like maybe it doesn't even cross his mind to desire me at all, now that he has this new person to focus on. That's probably silly, and I feel no jealousy of her (I like her, and there's nothing about her life/personality/appearance/etc. that I'd choose over my own) and I am glad she makes him happy. But the fact that there is this huge blank spot in *our* relationship, and with the 2 of them getting closer towards a sexual relationship, it feels like the issue is directly in my face. It makes it especially hard when I am home by myself, very lonely and in pain, thinking that he's with her and they're enjoying a passionate connexion that he doesn't have with me; that I do not have with anyone. Most of my friends live on the opposite coast, and unfortunately I live in an area that's rather infamous for people being aloof and not really bothering with those outside their specific cliques. It all adds up to immense amounts of frustration.
I am the kind of person who has a strong need to feel desired in order to feel fulfilled in my relationships. I think most of us do, to whatever extent, but I'm likely much higher than average in this department. My partner and I have wonderful snuggly times and we hug a lot to show love and appreciation, but there isn't even much kissing. I can't even remember the last time he touched me in a way that made me feel desired, other than once last month, when I initiated it, and even then it felt like "Oh... I guess this is a thing I should do..." and it didn't last very long. The few times we have had sex in the past 6 months, he wasn't very present, and didn't seem too interested in trying to help me reach orgasm. He got distracted and was ready to get up and go do the dishes pretty soon after. (THE DISHES?!?!! ...that crushed me. After a year of so little, it was overwhelming.)
There is a great deal of love between us, and I cannot complain about anything else in our relationship. I am affectionate towards him in a way that shows desire all the time, just in casual, loving ways to show him that he is beautiful and sexy to me. This is reciprocated maybe one out of 15 or 20 times, and all of this is just depressing the hell out of me. The sheer dissonance between this and the rest of the picture is almost ridiculous... He is a wonderful listener, an ethical, conscientious human being with a deep sense of compassion and empathy for others, he really brings out the best in people and is well-loved by everyone who knows him, at least that I know of. He has great personal energy and he directs it towards helping people and making the world a better place in any small ways he can. I admire him and appreciate his support, in general and especially through these last few painful months, more than words could ever say.
I feel bad for feeling so bad about the lack of sexual intimacy between us... It's a vicious cycle that I worry makes me seem ungrateful for how awesome our relationship is otherwise. But I can't help it. At this point I do not believe he finds me even slightly attractive anymore (and I don't mean this only in regards to appearance). I just have no reason to believe otherwise, and that is a shitty, shitty place to find yourself in. I just don't think he wants me in that way anymore... I think he *wants* to want me, but he doesn't, and doesn't want to admit it to himself and/or hurt me by saying so directly.
I believe that he loves me a great deal and sees me as his main partner in life, as a solid companion and lifelong friend. We've talked about this and are both invested in building a future together. My sadness over this issue does not diminish that intent. But we've talked about this. And we've talked and we've talked and talked and talked. We've had several dozen versions of the same conversation, always with me initiating it, always feeling like a nag when the rest of our relationship is so loving. It never goes anywhere. He cites work, being tired, being focused on other things, but there's never more than a vague assurance that he'll "work on it", and I never feel like he actually *does* work on it. I don't believe that he truly understands how important this is to me, and it doesn't seem like it's very important to him at all. He ends up reassuring me in ways that make it seem like he thinks I am simply wanting more attention, more time, more [fill in the blank], like I am this needy person or something, and as kind as he is about it, sometimes that makes me want to scream. I am satisfied in literally every way *except* that he gives me zero reason to believe that he desires me sexually anymore. And it HURTS... more than I know how to fully communicate.
I can't go my whole life without a strong degree of physical intimacy with my main partner. I can't just seek that elsewhere, because other people are not a replacement for him, and no matter how much I like someone else, it ends up feeling like they're just "band aids"; like I'm using intimacy with them to replace the lack within my main partner. I don't want to do that to anyone. It does not make for healthy poly, and actually makes me very uncomfortable. It's not about getting off or even the sex itself, it's about my connexion with my primary, and about desire for him, and for us to have passion in our relationship. The idea of him only having passion and sexual chemistry with others and not me is awful to contemplate.
I've tried my best to address this issue with him, within myself, to try to get my mind off things and wait & see, to really ask myself what it is I need and what I can do about these crappy feelings on my own, I've tried seeing if more sex with other partners could help, and it's been over a year now, and I've got nothing. Nothing at all.
Meanwhile, something in my heart is withering. The sadness over this is leeching into areas of our relationship that have nothing to do with this issue. I don't want this to poison what we have, and I fear that it might, over time.
I mentioned dealing with chronic pain earlier -- I'm more depressed about this not getting resolved, or him realizing that he just doesn't want me that way anymore, than I can imagine myself being if my test results came back and showed that I had cancer, or would probably not be able to walk anymore within 5 years. The meaning I get in my life is from love and friendships. I've been through A LOT in my life and it's taught me that most other things I used to think were so important really aren't; so my chosen family is my priority. Losing those close connexions would be more painful than anything physical I can think of.
This is much longer than I intended it to be, but I've kept it inside for many months, aside from the attempts to talk to him that didn't amount to anything. Gues it really needed to come out. Any ideas, insight, or advice you could give would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.
I have an amazingly kind, loving, and supportive partner. We've been together for just over a year and a half. I was seeing another person, more of a friends with benefits situation, on and off for about a year. That pretty much fizzled out over time, and we remain friends. My main partner started seeing a nifty person about a month ago after being friends for awhile first. I've met her, and think she's pretty great. They don't spend much time together compared to us, and they haven't been sexually intimate yet.
So that's the poly-specific context... As for me, I've been dealing with often-severe chronic pain without a solid diagnosis (yet) for the last 5 months. I can't say I feel terribly attractive these days, and I feel like I am becoming the most boring person on earth. I want to meet new people and am looking around online; no luck so far. I'm rather picky, and if I'm going to make an effort to meet someone from a dating site, it really has to be worth the energy I need to save up for it. (I don't mean this in an elitist way, it's just the practical reality I am dealing with due to my health.)
I spend a lot of time alone, because I am usually in too much pain and/or lack energy or $ to do much, though I do love to get out more when I can. I have to ration my energy very carefully, and it's very difficult for me to make plans. I never know how well or unwell I might feel on a given day. This has been incredibly frustrating, but my partner can always lift me up and make me smile, simply by being himself. I do a lot of crafting whenever I can, but pain & numbness in my arms doesn't always allow for that. I want to have more going on in my life, and the dissatisfaction I'm feeling with my health and general situation is probably a significant factor in feeling so down about this, but I've been feeling this way long before the health crap became such a huge thing...
Ever since the initial NRE wore off, my main partner has had very little interest in sex with me... We've barely had any at all in the past year. He has had his own share of chronic pain issues, but can maintain a much better baseline of energy and activity than I am capable of anymore. I never want to get into any kind of "my pain > yours" BS with him... even so, I can't help wondering: if I can try to initiate sex, then why can't he? I try to talk about it with him in a non-blaming way and ask him to work with me on this, and he's simply not engaged in the conversation. He just looks sad and doesn't say much. His job takes a lot out of him & I do understand this, but when your partner almost never initiates the slightest sexual touch, you start getting really sick of hearing "I'm tired" and it just feels like an excuse.
I feel that he devotes time and energy towards everything except for us to have sex life. Now that he's involved with someone else, I feel pretty much completely forgotten about when it comes to sex... like maybe it doesn't even cross his mind to desire me at all, now that he has this new person to focus on. That's probably silly, and I feel no jealousy of her (I like her, and there's nothing about her life/personality/appearance/etc. that I'd choose over my own) and I am glad she makes him happy. But the fact that there is this huge blank spot in *our* relationship, and with the 2 of them getting closer towards a sexual relationship, it feels like the issue is directly in my face. It makes it especially hard when I am home by myself, very lonely and in pain, thinking that he's with her and they're enjoying a passionate connexion that he doesn't have with me; that I do not have with anyone. Most of my friends live on the opposite coast, and unfortunately I live in an area that's rather infamous for people being aloof and not really bothering with those outside their specific cliques. It all adds up to immense amounts of frustration.
I am the kind of person who has a strong need to feel desired in order to feel fulfilled in my relationships. I think most of us do, to whatever extent, but I'm likely much higher than average in this department. My partner and I have wonderful snuggly times and we hug a lot to show love and appreciation, but there isn't even much kissing. I can't even remember the last time he touched me in a way that made me feel desired, other than once last month, when I initiated it, and even then it felt like "Oh... I guess this is a thing I should do..." and it didn't last very long. The few times we have had sex in the past 6 months, he wasn't very present, and didn't seem too interested in trying to help me reach orgasm. He got distracted and was ready to get up and go do the dishes pretty soon after. (THE DISHES?!?!! ...that crushed me. After a year of so little, it was overwhelming.)
There is a great deal of love between us, and I cannot complain about anything else in our relationship. I am affectionate towards him in a way that shows desire all the time, just in casual, loving ways to show him that he is beautiful and sexy to me. This is reciprocated maybe one out of 15 or 20 times, and all of this is just depressing the hell out of me. The sheer dissonance between this and the rest of the picture is almost ridiculous... He is a wonderful listener, an ethical, conscientious human being with a deep sense of compassion and empathy for others, he really brings out the best in people and is well-loved by everyone who knows him, at least that I know of. He has great personal energy and he directs it towards helping people and making the world a better place in any small ways he can. I admire him and appreciate his support, in general and especially through these last few painful months, more than words could ever say.
I feel bad for feeling so bad about the lack of sexual intimacy between us... It's a vicious cycle that I worry makes me seem ungrateful for how awesome our relationship is otherwise. But I can't help it. At this point I do not believe he finds me even slightly attractive anymore (and I don't mean this only in regards to appearance). I just have no reason to believe otherwise, and that is a shitty, shitty place to find yourself in. I just don't think he wants me in that way anymore... I think he *wants* to want me, but he doesn't, and doesn't want to admit it to himself and/or hurt me by saying so directly.
I believe that he loves me a great deal and sees me as his main partner in life, as a solid companion and lifelong friend. We've talked about this and are both invested in building a future together. My sadness over this issue does not diminish that intent. But we've talked about this. And we've talked and we've talked and talked and talked. We've had several dozen versions of the same conversation, always with me initiating it, always feeling like a nag when the rest of our relationship is so loving. It never goes anywhere. He cites work, being tired, being focused on other things, but there's never more than a vague assurance that he'll "work on it", and I never feel like he actually *does* work on it. I don't believe that he truly understands how important this is to me, and it doesn't seem like it's very important to him at all. He ends up reassuring me in ways that make it seem like he thinks I am simply wanting more attention, more time, more [fill in the blank], like I am this needy person or something, and as kind as he is about it, sometimes that makes me want to scream. I am satisfied in literally every way *except* that he gives me zero reason to believe that he desires me sexually anymore. And it HURTS... more than I know how to fully communicate.
I can't go my whole life without a strong degree of physical intimacy with my main partner. I can't just seek that elsewhere, because other people are not a replacement for him, and no matter how much I like someone else, it ends up feeling like they're just "band aids"; like I'm using intimacy with them to replace the lack within my main partner. I don't want to do that to anyone. It does not make for healthy poly, and actually makes me very uncomfortable. It's not about getting off or even the sex itself, it's about my connexion with my primary, and about desire for him, and for us to have passion in our relationship. The idea of him only having passion and sexual chemistry with others and not me is awful to contemplate.
I've tried my best to address this issue with him, within myself, to try to get my mind off things and wait & see, to really ask myself what it is I need and what I can do about these crappy feelings on my own, I've tried seeing if more sex with other partners could help, and it's been over a year now, and I've got nothing. Nothing at all.
Meanwhile, something in my heart is withering. The sadness over this is leeching into areas of our relationship that have nothing to do with this issue. I don't want this to poison what we have, and I fear that it might, over time.
I mentioned dealing with chronic pain earlier -- I'm more depressed about this not getting resolved, or him realizing that he just doesn't want me that way anymore, than I can imagine myself being if my test results came back and showed that I had cancer, or would probably not be able to walk anymore within 5 years. The meaning I get in my life is from love and friendships. I've been through A LOT in my life and it's taught me that most other things I used to think were so important really aren't; so my chosen family is my priority. Losing those close connexions would be more painful than anything physical I can think of.
This is much longer than I intended it to be, but I've kept it inside for many months, aside from the attempts to talk to him that didn't amount to anything. Gues it really needed to come out. Any ideas, insight, or advice you could give would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.
Last edited:
I would say that my partner still has a fairly low sex drive and a tendency to prioritise work over sex but he knows it's important in our relationship and he makes sure that he finds the time, energy and enthusiasm for it. 