Feeling Lost

A

alanred

New member
It has been a while since my last post. Things were going great. My wife and I live together and gf lived out of town. Gf would visit every so often and stay for a week or so. This was working out ok.

Gf lived with her parents. On the last visit, she got into an argument with them, and the next thing I knew, my wife and gf went and packed all of gf's things and she now lives with us.

I was not asked about her moving in. I am not ready for this. I decided to give it a try and see how things go. It has been two weeks and it is not going well for me. I feel like my relationship with my wife is suffering a lot. She is less affectionate with me and just seems distant. Every situation is about what gf wants. Nothing else seems to matter. My relationship with gf has never really been more than just friends. My wife kept pushing it to be more. Now gf has said that she was in love with me. I don't feel the same. I feel like gf is just pretending to be in love with me to please my wife.

I have tried talking about this, all three of us, and with my wife one on one. Gf gets mad, wife starts crying, and all I really get is just "give it more time." I am to the point that I don't want to give this more time. I don't want to lose the relationship with my wife, and I enjoy the friendship with gf. But something needs to change.

I also asked gf and wife if gf was going to look for a job. She said she would, but she has not attempted to even try to look. I had a talk with my wife about our finances and how we would not be able to support gf for long without putting less money into savings and she assured me that she would look for a job.

I feel like I am just a roommate, and that we can not support gf much longer without sacrificing our financial future. I really don't know what to do.
 
Hubby & I were in a somewhat similar situation recently, although it was my gf who moved in, and it was due to her relationship breaking up with her husband. We really didn't even expect her to contribute financially - we wanted her to save money so she could get on her own two feet and support herself, but unfortunately, I think she thought she was going to stay with us forever. (Not only that, but we had VERY different ideas about what constituted a clean house). Things would have gone much better if we had set better boundaries early on. She never really got a good job, and we actually directed her to another friend looking for a roommate, with whom she moved in, but the damage had been done. Both to our own household and my relationship to her.

I know you probably can't stand seeing two people you love crying and upset, but it seems like your good nature is being taken advantage of. Come up with some reasonable ground rules and perhaps even a timetable of sorts for her to find a job or move on. It's hard, but the primary relationship with your wife is really what counts, and your own needs count too.

Good luck!
 
If you feel so strongly about her supporting her own weight, perhaps the 3 of you should sit down and agree on a deadline for the GF to be employed by. If she is not, then define a plan toward getting her out of the house. I had to do this with several relatives and friends over the years, and it usually worked. I don't like kicking someone out, but most people, when faced with it, will make a higher effort to get off their bum, and if not, then that person's plan all along is not to work anyway, despite what they show on the outside. If its depression, or something along those lines keeping them from being motivated, then counselling might be in order to boot.

In the meantime, it might be appropriate to have the GF do most of the household work as a show of respect for you guys helping her financially, as well as cutting out some of the luxuries she may be taking advantage of short term, to set in reality, the financial hardships you and your wife have to endure. For example, I used to have the satellite TV service cancelled in our house whenever we were helping someone get on their feet. It kept them from watching TV all day, and we used it as an excuse, claiming we couldn't afford it while they were there.

Anyway, no matter how it goes, you have to make a decision soon whether or not you're willing to support her long term, otherwise everyone ends up miserable over it.

Just my thoughts.
 
You don't even want to be in a relationship with this chick and they're both saying "give it time?" That's bullshit. If I were you, I'd put my foot down. You can't be forced to live like that. You weren't even consulted. That is the height of disrespect. It's your home, too. Find her a couch to sleep on at one of your friends' places or something, but don't let them push you around. How demanding! Jeez, the crap that people are expected to put up with just gets to me sometimes.
 
I was not asked about her moving in. I am not ready for this.
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This would not work for me at all. I help pay the mortgage on my home. I wish my husband would move anybody in without talking to me first. Hell would rise and be on earth.

Some people are just not cut out to live together, and it is even worse if it is forced. She moved in after an argument with her parents. Is running away from conflict her thing? Is she any closer to making amends with her parents or landing on her own two feet? Why does she not have a job? Is she helping with housework? Cooking dinner? Doing anything to contribute to the household, or she just watching Bold and the Beautiful all day and eating up all of your food?

NYCindie is right. "Give it time" is some bullshit. You like her as a friend, but your wife is pushing her on you in a romantic way. She is claiming to "love" you in order to butter you up like toast, so maybe you will not put her out.

I decided to give it a try and see how things go. It has been two weeks and it is not going well for me.
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Completely understandable. I would imagine so.

I feel like my relationship with my wife is suffering a lot. She is less affectionate with me and just seems distant. Every situation is about what gf wants, and nothing else seems to matter. My relationship with gf has never really been more than just friends. My wife kept pushing it to be more. Now gf says that she's in love with me. I don't feel the same. I feel like that gf is just pretending to be in love with me to please my wife.
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Your wife cannot put her girlfriend before you and make everything about her. You have needs and wants of your own that need to be respected. What is going to happen is you are going to start resenting "gf," or both of them, and leave.

I have tried talking about this... Gf gets mad, wife starts crying, all I really get is just "give it more time." I don't want to give this more time. I don't want to lose the relationship with my wife. I enjoy the friendship with gf. But something needs to change.
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Communication is shitty amongst the three of you. A wise person once said, "The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place." - George Bernard Shaw

Your wife is not listening to your grievances or respecting your feelings, because if she had an ounce of respect for your marriage, she would have discussed something this important with you and be willing to hear you out. The girlfriend sounds like an immature brat. How old is she? I have no tolerance for so-called grown people throwing temper tantrums. I do not go for it with my children, so I know I would not put up with it from an adult. Stop giving in. One thing I have learned is, when you stop entertaining foolishness, people cut the crap, because nobody wants to perform or put on theatrics with no audience.

I asked if gf was going to look for a job. She said she would. She has not attempted to even try. I had talk with my wife about our finances and how we would not support gf for long with out putting less money into savings, and she assured me that she would look for a job.
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Finances are nothing to play with. If you know that you have plans to put money in savings, keep doing it. You should not stretch yourself beyond your means or change anything because your wife acted in haste. The thing is, I have no problem helping anyone out, but I will never support another grown-ass man or woman if they are able to work.

I feel like I am just a roommate, and that we can not support gf much longer with out sacrificing our financial future. I really don't know what to do.
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Give her a deadline to find a job, or tell her that she will have to make other arrangements. Be firm and mean what you say. Plain and simple. If she starts the tears and angry bursts, pass her a tissue, a pillow to scream in, and keep talking. McDonald's is always hiring. If your wife has an issue with it, tell her she is more than welcome to go with her. I believe in tough love.

Would it be possible for you and your wife (and maybe her girlfriend) to sit down with a counsellor? The communication has been dropped and now everyone is suffering. It sounds positively miserable. Put your foot down. She is not paying any bills and probably not contributing anything. You feel like a roommate to your wife. Your wife tunes you out and sides with her gf. What are the benefits of this living situation again?
 
I agree with the others, but don't forget that you cannot legally kick someone out once they are moved in without some serious notice, and a written agreement, in many states.
 
Dstone said:
You cannot legally kick someone out once they are moved in without some serious notice and a written agreement... in many states.
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I am not sure what the legal requirement for notice is where the OP resides, but if it is 30 days, how awful. It has been two weeks, and it sounds dreadful.

As of now, I would not consider her "moved in." Two weeks is not a long enough period to establish tenancy. Outside of that, she does not have an income, so she is obviously not contributing to the funds to run the household. I would consider it no different than a family member coming to stay for a holiday.

It all depends on whether the OP owns the home or if it is a let. If it is a let, I would contact the landlord. Additionally, if their home is a let and the agreement stipulates that only those listed can reside there, she is an illegal tenant and can be asked to vacate. If they own their home, I would go the formal route and cover all my bases. If worst comes to worst, OP, you can always get your local law enforcement involved.
 
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She's a guest, and not paying rent. I wouldn't worry too much about that 30-day thing, which seems to only apply to roommates or someone you've agreed to share a home with, and certainly does not apply in most states. People have a right to privacy and to have those in their home that they choose, and can change the locks and get a restraining order if they want! The OP did not agree to this shit. The so-called girlfriend doesn't have a leg to stand on.
 
It's been a two-week visit. No more, no less. She is not a roomie here. She is a guest, and guests go back home. So, it's time to leave. She doesn't have to go home, but she cannot stay here. If she's really having that much trouble at home, call a shelter for GF to move to. You are not a shelter. You do not have "reboot my life" kinds of resources for her.

Whether they cry or create drama -- be firm. It is not appropriate for this woman to glom onto your household just because your wife is dating her. You are not at that level of commitment, by the sound of it. And besides that, you are not willing, and you are not able financially, anyway.

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"I am sorry you feel that way. But this is where it is-- limit reached. You cannot stay here. I will help you pack and move elsewhere, but you cannot stay here."​
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You actually don't have to help her pack and move, but if it gets this crap out of your house faster, I'd say cut the losses and help her pack and move!

Yes, it was thrust upon upon you. But because one is your wife and the other is her GF, you let their disrespectful approach slide and gave GF hospitality for 2 weeks. You didn't even have to do it that long. But because it seems like you chose not to deal with it when it was fresh, and let it ride, here you are today. So move it forward.

  • You did not agree to have a guest at this time.
  • You certainly did not agree to take on a new roomie at this time.
  • You did not sign up to support a 3rd who is not even looking for a job.
  • You are at your limit, 2 weeks in, and unwilling to give it more time.

We are free to choose, but not free of the consequences of our choices. So state where you stand and what you expect at this time. Tell wife and her GF:
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1) I want to maintain good relationships with you both and hope you both want to maintain good relationships with me. ​
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2) When you both overstep limits and make decisions for all without consulting all of us? That's disrespectful. I expect an apology from each of you for putting me in this awkward position. ​
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3) Because you are my wife and her GF, I chose to overlook that disrespectful move. But I am at my limit for having a guest. It's been 2 weeks. I want my normal life back. I expect you, GF, to leave. ​
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4) If the GF is not gone by X date, I plan to call her parents and tell them to come fetch their daughter. ​
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  • I would prefer you, wife and GF, to deal with it, since you both created this situation. I prefer not to call your parents.
  • I would prefer that you not put me into another awkward position where I have to be calling your parents. But if put there, I will call them. The ball is in your court.

​

Then sit back and let them deal. It's behavior done/not done time. They play ball, you don't have to call GF's parents. They don't, you call them to get her out of your home. It's all up to them how they want it to go.

If you feel like this will be drama because your wife and her GF don't want to play like grown ups, you could skip giving them the opportunity to solve it themselves, and just call the parents now, and get your own life back in order.

You could make arrangements for them to show up with a U-Haul on X date, take the day off work, and sit quietly, without telling your wife or her GF, until the parents just show up at your door.

Then help the parents pack up the GF and her stuff, and go home to deal with their own family's issues, while you deal with your wife's issues.

It's not the classiest move ever, but you gotta do what you gotta do sometimes. Sigh. :(

Galagirl
 
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Thanks for the replies. A little background about us: I am 29, wife is 27, gf is 24. Wife and I have 2 kids, 7 and 5.

As far as the relationship. I am ok with my wife having a gf, just not living with us. I don't know if I want another relationship now, as it seems like too much work. Maybe this just put a bad taste in my mouth. I would be good with a V relationship, but wife really wants the triad. I don't know why she keeps pushing for this to be a triad.

I am going to talk to my wife and her gf and see if we can set some ground rules: a timetable for gf getting a job, a timetable for moving out,
and what will happen if the timetable is not kept.

Gf does not do much around the house. All she has done is a few loads of laundry since she has been here. My wife and I have a nice routine/balance of housework. We cook dinner together. I clean up the kitchen and put dishes in the dishwasher. Gf has never helped with dinner or clean up. She just sits and watches TV, or is on wife's laptop the whole time. I like the idea of cancelling the cable but wife probably would not go for it. But anyway, I am going to talk to my wife and her gf together and see what we can come up with.

I have been through a situation like this before with my brother after he lost his job and we offered him a place to stay. It ended badly. It ended with me getting him a job, my dad paid for his rent and deposit for an apartment, my mother loaned him money to get a car. He lost his car due to not being able to make the payments. His biggest problem was that he got depressed. Thank goodness for their help. He is doing a lot better now.

So were my wife and me. But now we are back in the same situation. But this time neither I nor my family can help her. I don't know if her family would or not.

My wife and I are a lot better off financially now than when my brother was living with us. I do not want to see us going backwards. We have worked hard to buy our house, and saved to buy our cars so we would not have car payments. When we work hard to make more money, we save it, and are almost to the point that we have a rainy day fund fully funded. Our next goal is to save for major purchases, such as a car when when we need a new one, major appliances, etc. Wife and I worked hard to pay off our credit cards, and now the only loans we have are our mortgage and student loans. I don't want to go back to not having savings, lots of credit card bills, etc.

I also miss my wife. We would always go to bed together at night. Our schedules worked out great. Now wife tends to stay up with gf until, well idk, when I am asleep. I just miss the closeness we had. I feel we are growing apart.

I have to go to work. I will let you all know how the talk goes later tonight. We all need to do more talking and sort this all out. I just hope we can talk and not end the conversation with nothing getting done.

Thanks again for the advice.
 
Worse! You have children in the home!

I don't know how to say this better, but I mean it kindly, okay?

Is that why the GF and her parents were having issues? They expected a 24-year old adult to contribute the household in some fashion, pay rent, do chores, etc.? Now you've got a mooch on your couch instead?

How is living beyond your means wonderful for your children to observe and learn? (And I don't just mean financial health, I mean all the dimensions of wellness-- mental, emotional, spiritual, social, environmental, financial, and occupational health. You certainly have been pinging in several of those.)

How is your wife's behavior wonderful for the marriage's recently improved finances after your brother's problems, in taking on a new uncertainty without consulting you?

How's is your wife's behavior wonderful for your marriage?
  • Moving in her GF without checking if you are on board?
  • Not spending time with you?

How's is your wife's behavior wonderful for the triad she wants to build so much?
  • How does this inspire you to participate in a triad with 2 partners that put their desire to live together ahead of your needs and the kids' needs?

Your wife (and gf) are seriously trespassing your limits, dude. That's all kinds of being fresh. :( How is any of this demonstrating loving, kind, considerate behavior towards you? I am concerned your wife is in la-la land, head over heels for GF, and not thinking straight. Is that possible?
 
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Galagirl ur great.

I think I have a tendency to let people run over me a bit, or take advantage of me-- at least in my personal life, not so much with my business.

When my brother moved in we'd just begun getting our credit bills paid. We had been in our house about a year and our goal was to get them out of the way and to build savings, etc. My brother put us behind on all of that, and I see that could happening again. We have a financial plan and I want to stick to it. We have extra money now (no credit card bills), and I make more than I did then, but I don't want to see us go back to where we were. My brother did give us some money when he lived with us, but not much.

Anyway, I don't know what happened between the gf and her parents, never really got into it. I did ask and got an it's complicated type of answer and never really pushed for more answers.


I do think my wife is in the nRE stage again. It happened at first, and it may have been reinvigorated when she moved in. I think my wife has a vision of how she wants thing to be and I just don't see it happening. She wants us all to live happily ever after, but this is reality, and a fairy tale is just a fairy tale. Time to come back to reality and figure out what we all want and go from there.
 
Time to come back to reality and figure out what we all want and go from there.
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I certainly hope you get your hope above and arrive at a conclusion you all can accept.

But it seems they weren't playing as a 3-person relationship before, so I'm not sure how willing or able they are to play it now. Sigh. I hope for your sake this was a temporary lapse in judgement caused by whatever made the GF move out in a panic, and that they needed 2 weeks to recover from whatever the heck happened emotionally, and now they are both willing and able to talk it out with you like rational people.

Anyway, I don't know what happened between the gf and her parents...
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You could ask for more answer than "it's complicated." So what if it is? You are an adult. You can handle it. Does your wife even know? If so, why isn't she sharing the reason?

Maybe say something like this to them both:

"I am sorry if it is complicated and hard for you to talk about. You could write it out if you prefer. ​
​
GF, I still expect an explanation of what went on to cause you to leave your family home in this manner and plop into my home like this without asking for my input or consent.​
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Wife, I still expect an explanation of what went on to cause you plop an unannounced guest in our home like this without asking for my input or consent.​
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Why would these explanations from each of you compel me forgive you both for not asking me and including me? You made big decisions that affect all of us without asking me. We are not in right relationship. That needs to be restored. ​
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Why would these explanations compel me to offer you more hospitality longer than the 2 weeks I've already given? My household is topsy-turvy and I have increasing financial worries. It is not fair to keep me in the dark, or to make major life choices without me. Withholding information is called 'lies of omission.' Let's not have that." ​

If neither your wife nor her GF want to give you the backstory, then you basically are still at:

  • To GF -- "I have given you hospitality for 2 weeks. You will not disclose why this occurred. I have no reason to keep going beyond my limit. So you have outstayed your welcome. Please leave."
  • To Wife -- "I do not like you plopping long term guests in our shared home without consulting me, or if an emergency situation, explaining what the emergency even was. I do not like you trying to move permanent people in to our shared home without consulting me. This is creating disturbances in our household and in our financial plans. Please do not do this again. Please ask your guest to leave. I already have."
  • To Both -- "I do not appreciate both of you making decisions for my family without consulting me. Please do not do this again. My willingness to participate in any way will change if my goodwill keeps being taken for granted."

If this is your wife's hope:
She wants us all to live happily ever after
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You could ask her how her behavior of moving her GF into the family home without asking for her spouse's consent and blessing...
  • ADDS to the odds that this hope will actually come to pass?
  • TAKES AWAY from the odds that this hope will actually come to pass?
You could expect yourself to be more assertive in your personal life.
You could expect your wife to take more responsibility for her actions.
You could all expect that in a poly network, what each person does affects all the other people to varying degrees.
You could expect wife and GF to treat you better than this.
You could expect wife and GF to communicate up front, clearly and not leave bits out.
You and wife could expect to act not just for you own self interests, but for your minor children's interests. You get to choose things, but they have to go along for the ride.

I am sorry if you are having poly hell stuff. Maybe looking that over is useful as you navigate conflict resolution.

I hope your talk tonight goes well. I hope you stand firm on clearly stating your wants, needs, and limits that are not being met in this situation and what you would like to see happen so that you can all return to right relationship with each other. I hope you ask for clear statements from wife as to her wants, needs, limits, and what GF has as her wants, needs, limits.

See what lines up and what does not, what can bend and what is a dealbreaker. Sort it out. If you need help to have this talk, get someone to help.

Determine how you all want to be as exes if the only outcome can be "end it" because nothing lines up.

You do not have to keep participating in something that is causing you life upheaval and pushing you beyond your limits, either in apoly relationship or in the marriage.

It might be hard to FEEL, but it what it is.

  • Behavior done/not done.
  • Needs met/not met.
  • Limits respected/not respected.

I'm very sorry you are dealing in this. But enough with the shenanigans. This is no way to be. :(

Galagirl
 
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I completely agree with what others have said. A friend of mine takes in "strays" quite often (both 2- and 4-legged :D). The 2-legged strays are expected to "work" for their room and board, by doing all the cleaning, laundry, kitchen, bathrooms, dusting, vacuuming and general picking up. This situation is just ridiculous.

I have not yet figured out how to easily disable all the electrical outlets in my house (bar turning off the breakers and padlocking the box), but most modern TVs and most cable/satellite services have "parental controls" that can be programed to need a password during certain times of the day or for certain programming. My husband even figured out how to disable our wireless router during certain times of the day, so the kids didn't have internet access. Yes, I have teenagers. :eek:

However, a discussion with the help of a marriage/family counselor might be a bit more productive.
 
FullofLove1052 said:
I help pay the mortgage in my home, and I wish my husband would move anybody in without talking to me first. Hell would rise and be on earth.
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I don't help pay the mortgage on my house and this wouldn't fly.

I see two huge problems:

1) Lack of communication and agreement before a third party moves into the house. That screams of bad communication skills, manipulation, lack of respect and dysfunction.

2) Pressure to fall in love. I can't even follow this thread of thought coherently enough to make the point, except that this is emotional blackmail and bordering on emotional abuse in the realm of sex. Pressuring someone to have sex with you is rape. Pressuring someone to want to have sex is akin to attempted rape.

I think somewhere this all boils down to the same shit. I would blow my lid if any of my partners treated me thus.
 
I have not yet figured out how to easily disable all the electrical outlets in my house.
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If the electric plug to the item (ex: TV) has those holes in the prongs, you can thread a small lock through the hole and lock it. Then the item cannot be plugged into the wall. You have the key to the lock. There. No TV or video game or whatever it is. Going low tech is sometimes easier.
 
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My post earlier is based on experience with live-ins that are quick to become deadbeats. Your continued descriptions clearly imply that to me. Gf has 'red flag, deadbeat live-in alert' written all over her.

The best way I found to get a deadbeat off their bum, or to move on, is to...

A) Set a deadline that is not too long term (weeks, not months), then enforce it. I literally had to kick someone out once, 3 days after their deadline, by pre-paying a week's motel stay, dumping all their belongings into the room, while they were away for the day. Go figure, that person got a job in 2 days after that happened.

B) Ask them constantly to do things around the house for you. Bug the snot out of them. Your children see that she is getting a free ride, and it's not fair to them. Show your kids she has to earn her keep and do what's expected, just like they do.

C) Life has to be focused toward making that person very uncomfortable. I have, many times, locked our main breakers to our house for 24-hour periods to show my disapproval for someone's lack of looking for a job/helping around the house, kids and adults alike. I back it by saying to everyone in the house that we all must suffer because of one person's lack of self motivation. I also say to everyone that 'We will all suffer without luxuries, so that we can help (X) get motivated. It is our duty to help them, as decent people.' If that person argues against this move, and/or ignores it, or does anything but apologise and try to correct it, then that person clearly has no regard for other's feelings at all.

I would kick this gf out, fast, because she considers her own selfish nature above your kids, your wife, and you. I would not tolerate this in my home, not even for a single day. There are no lazy people in our home.
 
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