feelings of resentment towards my OSO's wife

S

stillfiguringthingsout

New member
Hi all,

I've been lurking for a little while familiarizing myself to the boards. There are so many great topics on here and I apologize if I missed this thread somewhere else.

I little bit of background...I have been married to my husband for 25 years, and in a committed relationship with my OSO (other significant other) who I will call J, for 4 years. J is married as well - for 34 years- and his wife B also has an OSO , T and they have been involved for 6 years.

I am friends with B, more so because she is J's wife than because we have anything in common. She has always been gracious and welcoming but our relationship isn't close although on social media she goes out of her way to appear a very close and supportive friend to me. In person I find her difficult to relate to...perhaps because she IS my OSO's wife? I'm still trying to figure that out, needless to say it's complicated.

I see J almost every weekend, staying at his and B's home while she goes to T's place. I am always very aware that it is her home that I'm in and ultimately her husband that I'm sharing. And in the beginning that was never an issue...I know that J was really only looking for someone to have fun with while B spent her weekends with T. He has never promised me anything or lied to me. Gradually the affection between J and myself turned to love.

J and I have a very emotionally intimate relationship but I do feel that I will always be his second choice. I suppose that is where the resentment lies...I feel like I have been more of a wife to J than B has been and yet she benefits from his undying love and support, that as long as everything is going well for her in her relationship with T than great...but as soon as it isn't and she wants J's attention he doesn't hesitate to give it, regardless of what is going on with us. Maybe I resent his response to B and his inability or unwillingness to stand up for our relationship and give it the importance I think it deserves.

I understand that B is his wife and that J made a vow to her. I need help on how to deal with my resentment.

Just reading this over makes me feel awful for even feeling this way *sigh*

I don't know how to stick up for our relationship, it has value doesn't it? Even if there is no vow binding it, children holding it together or 30 years behind it? I don't even know where to begin or what to say.

Any help would be appreciated.

SFTO
 
Inyourendo said:
What is he doing to make you feel like second choice?
Click to expand...

When we're alone together he is very loving and attentive, but when B is with us his attention is divided.

When we go on dates, the 4 of us, J is always making sure that B is doing fine, to watch her step, is she cold? want a piece of his steak? I understand that he is being a good husband but I feel like a third wheel. It doesn't seem to bother T at all but B is always very attentive towards his needs although she is a bit of a Diva and expects to be "looked after"and both J and T are more than happy to do that. I am fairly independent and used to doing things for myself, luckily.

This past New Years Eve the 4 of us threw a party and for midnight it was agreed that we would serve champagne to all the guests and do the big count down as we have for the past 4 years.

It was @ 11 pm when J and I became involved in a little party fun and lost track of time. When J realized that it was shortly passed midnight, he left me as if he was on fire to run down the stairs and right to B. I felt bad that we had missed the big countdown and on passing out the champagne, but I was right where I wanted to be - with J. For the next 2 hours he became Molly Maid, cleaning, hosting...occasionally talking to me but I felt - off. He apologized the next morning, saying that he had lost track of time and shouldn't have started something he couldn't finish. That he had made a commitment to help and had let B and T down. J takes his promises very seriously and I know that he felt bad. However later the next evening B and him were having an argument and she blurted out" You're the one who said you missed wishing me "Happy New Years" at midnight.."..So now I know that J really only felt bad because he missed the big New Years Kiss with B and not because he had let anyone down.
When I questioned him on it I asked if his apology and explanation to me was just a story...he replied no, it was the truth,but that he did miss saying Happy New Years to B. I was very hurt, felt lied to and said to him that if being with B at midnight was that important to him then he should have told me and that although he says that he wants to do something with only us next New Year's, I didn't see how that would happen since he couldn't seem to be away from B for any big life events.

I may be being unreasonable and that's what I need to know...is it me?, the situation? Is this something that many of you have felt or experienced? How do/did you deal with it?

SFTO
 
Perhaps you guys need to stop group dating? If he's with both of you at the same time of course his attention will be divided, He had 2 partners in the same room. If you don't like sharing the spotlight them only see him 1:1 otherwise deal with the fact that you aren't the center of his universe and understand that group activities means attention will be split. Just like if you went to a work function his attention would be on work friends and talking shop.
 
Wow! Thanks Inyourendo, I appreciate your response...I am well aware that because J has two partners in the same room, his attention would be divided. but that's kind of the point. I'm not treated like a partner. I have no expectations to be the center of anyone's universe and I don't have any problem sharing the spotlight but it would be nice to actually be offered some of the light.
What I was looking for was someone else's experience and how they would deal with it, using words that maybe I could repeat to him.

I would like to have group time because it makes him happy, avoiding the situation is not what I would consider a solution...and being told to pull up my big girl pants wasn't very helpful either.

But I appreciate your input.

Thanks.
 
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