Finding people who are polyAMOROUS and not only polySEXUAL - Advice?

[Tonberry]

THIS is why I find the endless pressure I get any time I attend poly gatherings TOO annoying.
I want to JUST meet people who Theoretically accept my having more than one love.
I don't want to be pursued as the next viable piece of ass

So true! When I went, it was more about people trying to find someone to date/have sex with, and less about hanging out with similar people. It was annoying because I wasn't looking for new partners, but for people I could talk with who would relate.
Meetups vary a lot from one another, but they're not always clear about which category they fall into and that can make the experience frustrating. I'm sure it would also be frustrating the other way around, if someone is expecting a "finding someone" kind of situation and everyone else is uninterested and just wants to hang out or talk about various stuff.

I don't usually feel romantic before sex either.
But-I don't desire sex, at all, until there exists an emotional attachment.
If a friendship isn't established, I don't have enough trust or comfort to build a sexual interest at all.

I could totally do casual sex with friends (and have), but in order to get "turned on" I have to have an emotional bond.

I'm very similar. I find people expect sex early on in a relationship, which is why I don't start dating someone until I'm ready to have sex with them, which usually means getting to know them as a friend for a significant amount of time beforehand.

 

[LovingRadiance]

Interesting. With me, the friendzone is a never zone. Not a no zone. So if I get "friended" that exactly where I will remain. I totally.. and probably blindly respect the friendzone..

It would take a LOT for me to see if a "friend" was suddenly interested in something more. I have very powerful friend blinders, if a friend wants to break through that they have to be blatantly obvious..

Thinking about it now, it does explain some initial difficulty with my gf. I was completely blind to her actually wanting me.. HA!..

I'm ok with being "neverzoned" because I'm not ready/willing to have sex as soon as someone else.
What I am not ok with-is being pressured after I say no.



(I won't press you to date me sweetie, cause I haven't yet figured out how to have sex with someone who is so many miles away lol)

 

[FarAwayLover]

I'd like to share my interests (especially in terms of music and other strange things) with someone whom enjoys them as well. I usually feel very alone in enjoying the things that I do.

Hi Lady L,

I'm missing something here. If you feel alone with these interests, why don't you make _friends_ who share these interests? Attend the events and strike up conversations with people. Then you won't be alone when you attend these events, etc., and maybe one of the friends will develop into something more. Or as you get to know some of them better, maybe you'll talk about poly and they'll introduce to someone who is "suitable".

I remember that one of my favorite teachers in high school commented that one of the things that was really different for her about college was that she had different friends for different kinds of activities. As opposed to doing everything with the same group of friends.

So go find some more friends!

Good luck!

FAL

--------------------------------

M - Me - female, 59 - _trying_ to figure out if I'm poly
Clyde (previously B) - 56 - my husband for over 34 years
Jacques (previously JP) - 58 - my high school boyfriend, newly appeared in the picture after 38 years; very long distance; haven't actually seen him
Artemis (previously A) - 65? - Jacques's wife of over 30 years, who's not cool with things

 

[Myrrhine1]

OP- just how I feel about this whole thing.

I don't feel superior to people who are more sexual than I am. In fact, it's quite the opposite. What I imagine is that it's a lot easier for more sexual people to test the waters. I'm so shy and my "preferential mating strategy" (for lack of a better term) is to go from friendship>romantic>sexual. I've tried having a more sex-first relationship with people, but it's so unsatisfying for me. And really, I've not ever really been that romantically interested in the people I tried a more sexual-first relationship with. It's not a superiority thing at all, it just never worked out.

When I tried romantic relationships first, without having that friendship or wanting a sexual relationship, I felt horrible for feeling like the bad guy for "leading the other on" even though I was clear about my intentions/expectations.

I am far more sexually stimulated by people I've had a long-standing establishment of trust and friendship. The communication is a lot easier, I think, but getting there is really difficult.