Fly, Run, Swim: DreadedRose's Solo Journey

[DreadedRose]

I was looking for a quote to start this blog, but nothing I'm finding seems to fit what I'm feeling at this point in my life.

After over 10 years of jumping from one serious relationship to another, I now sit here alone (aside from my 2 dogs and a cat) in my own apartment where I live by myself.

I am in a place in my life where I honestly thought I would only ever dream of. In fact, some parts, I really don't think I would know to dream of it. While my relationships have, unfortunately, highjacked my mental health and how I lived my life, I still come away with a dream job helping me to blaze my path into a successful career by funding my schooling as well as providing a living wage. In addition, an ideal second job to supplement my income where the first slacks.

To think that 7 years ago I was working 3rds at a gas station after having left the coffee company I was working for, only to return to it the next year. In none of that did I have any earthly clue what I wanted to do with my life other than fly by the seat of my pants.

Now as I come away from the relationships and codependency, I have found myself overjoyed with my new freedom. There is absolutely no part of me that wants any kind of committed and serious relationship.

I am, however, finding myself enjoying the experience of connecting with new people and allowing the connections to freely grow as they will. As such, I am quickly finding myself saturated in alot of new and unexpected conversations. Every step of the way I am coming more and more to the realization that this is how I was meant to function.

There were so many parts of myself that I shut off, hid, or ignored as someone with a serious live in partner. Even, sometimes, about things that I didn't have to be. Alot of ways, I know that it is not just part of who I am, but a part of what my CPTSD made me. I crave personal space and privacy more than anything, and in some ways, secrecy.

Beyond that, even, I can't say that I see myself growing old with anyone. Perhaps I will have close friends that may come around and spend time with me drinking tea on the porch of my cabin in the woods. But beyond that, I see myself enjoying the company of a beautiful Bull Mastiff by the fireplace, perhaps with some other small animals as well. I can't really imagine a more peaceful existence than that.

So this is where I'm at 1 week into my own place. Gentle affairs rock my soul as I dive inward to fuel my life forward into new adventures. I hope you all enjoy reading the way I process it as it goes along.

 

[SenatorBinks27]

Good luck! Just make sure you always know where your towel is.

 

[DreadedRose]

It truly astonishes me the way things seem to have manifested out of thin air for me since I started this solo journey. The first thing was this second job: to be perfectly honest, I wasn't even really looking for one. I got back in touch with a friend I had met through my exhusband. Her career and moving around contributed to us losing touch (as well as my exhusband's tendency to drive people away with his abhorrent and arrogantly erratic cynicism). I've found, in removing him from my life, he did this alot more than I could see while we were together.

On closing out one of our conversations about the happenings of the previous years, she dropped the question: "So do you want to make some more money?" Making my own hours, working from home at a great hourly rate. In addition, doing something I really enjoy that doesn't wear my body out the way my primary job does. This was the first of things manifested in my life.

Within the next 24 hours, I came across a friend needing to get out of his apartment lease. Most places I had looked at in town were just out of my price range and very few places were willing to take the amount of animals that I have without it costing me both of my arms. However, on contacting the landlord, he was extraordinarily accommodating to both my schedule and my budget. I had the place locked down within the week.

Beyond those two major pieces to the puzzle sliding into place, small things, and people, have seemed to materialized as I need them at just the right time. The week of Christmas, for example, I desperately needed new work shoes as half my soles were coming off and I had already glued them once. On browsing a store, just when I was getting discouraged on pricing as well as styles, I found one single pair that was exactly what I needed and was looking for on a clearance rack. These were 70% off.

Then, just last week I had planned to get a new crockpot that I've wanted for weeks: something to help me get control of my health and my time. I even put it on the grocery list as I saw they were on sale. One of my bosses came into work that day and asked if anyone needed a crockpot.

Other minor things have occured that may not stand out so much on their own, but collectively seems like seems like some kind of massive karmic reward. However, whether that is for the series of dramatic and life disrupting events that have happened in the past seven years or for the oncoming blasts that have yet to happen, I have no idea.

Perhaps it is both, either way, I am humbling myself to this as a blessing and an opportunity to be used to get my ducks in a row for once in my life.

School is fantastic and enriching. Work is fairly simple now that the holidays are over. Home is wonderful as I nest and organize in ways I've always wanted to; to the sounds of my own music as my burning fragrances fill the place. Meanwhile, I don't really have much trouble with finding company on the rare occasion that I need it lately.

I look forward to see where the next few months take me.

 

[DreadedRose]

At last, I am finally able to get settled into the new place. Luckily my boss for my second job has been very lax and understanding about my recent changes, so I have spent my last couple of days off focusing on nesting in the new place, studying, and taking care of myself. And perhaps having a bit of a social life, as permitted.

Nesting is always my favorite part about moving. Giving everything a place and providing a certain energy to the room with art and decorations that speak to me. It's a spiritual experience, to be honest. And not having to compromise and share it with another human is one of the best parts. My apartment is adorned with blues, purples, deep reds, browns, and blacks. With just a hint of orange and a splash of white in the mix. Monet's dusk. Ganesha. Sandalwood and mahogany. The space is mine.

My studies have also been very reasonable and are giving me a bit of an easy week. I have until next Friday to write a paper discussing discovered habitable planets for life and why that is. It's these sort of projects that remind me why I decided to go into a field of biology. I live for these sorts of discussions.

As far as taking care of myself is concerned, this has always been one of my greatest downfalls. I tend to go for very long periods of time pushing self care to the bottom of my priorities. Unfortunately, this is catching up to me. A couple of years ago I started noticing excessive foot pain. After some time I figured out that it was tendinitis and potentially plantar faciitis, which I was able to manage with appropriate shoes and regular foot soaking. However, around my move, during our busiest season, I got new work shoes which turned out to be HELL to break in. And then the first night in my new place, Jack decided to take off and I took a nasty fall, twisting my ankle in a hole and landing on my right foot sideways. Ever since that fall, my pain has been different and chronic. More than 4 hours walking across the concrete floor at work without putting my feet up and I can barely walk to my car to drive myself home. While the overall underlying pain remains in the tendons of my feet, now there is constant nerve aggravation. Stabbing pains where the tougher parts of my feet are, sharp electrical pains from random toes, tingly electrical pains from my ankles. It's frustrating and debilitating.

Luckily I did find a clinic here that offers pretty good care for low income individuals with no insurance, it just requires a short waiting period to get you in. I'm just relieved to have found something reasonable to get myself healthy again. In the mean time, I am back at the gym about 2-3 times a week (hopefully I can get it to 3-4) and my diet has completely changed. I already feel significantly better now that I'm eating the way I want to eat.

I don't have a super active social life, though I have had luck with plenty of options. One gentleman I have been seeing, Nos has been great company. He is very chill and mellow, yet dominant in every way that I love. He is very gentlemanly and attentive, but we aren't up each other's ass all the time. It's a nice change of pace from the previous people I have gotten involved with. He is also married which makes me feel a little safer with maintaining the distance that I prefer at the moment.

I also seem to have made a connection with a gentleman I went to high school with, Kai. He had been sort of beating around the concept of it for a bit now and now that I'm single and poly again, he's suddenly been very forward. He's also younger than me by about a year, which seems to matter a lot less as we get older, does it not? lol. Either way, he's also very chill and down to earth and he's been a "that single guy" at small local music shows for a while, which is kind of definitely my jam.

I'm not sure where any of these connections are going, though I will say that I'm kind of in need of some more feminine energy in my life.

I am planning on going to a local music fundraiser/festival tomorrow evening. I even got my schedule adjusted and everything. This will be the first event that I've gone to as a single solo- poly woman and I'm kind of way excited about it.