FullofLove1052
New member
I can see how your fears would be exacerbated. He keeps lying to you. Every lie or little omission breaks down the trust more and more. Of course you are probably doubting anything he says because he has proven that he cannot be trusted. He may be telling you, "I am still in love with you," but he does not respect you enough to be honest about little things? What kind of BS is that?
OP, was the marriage intended to be open/non-mono or poly? I am asking because sometimes non-mono relationships do not include emotions. They might include any form of non-romantic relationships like friends with benefits, swinging, etc. Thus, your agreement to not fall in love could actually be logical. If it was poly, it is bit different because poly implies many loves. Whatever the case is, you and your husband made rules that worked for the both of you. If he had an issue, he chose not to voice it. Agreements belong between the parties who set them. Thus, it serves no purpose for me to wave my fist in the air and scream, "Injustice."
He refuses to address the issues? Oh joy. That will bode well, and it screams healthy for the relationship. Why is he refusing to go to counselling? Is it because deep down he knows he is being a dick? I have no issue with any rules/boundaries/agreements made between people. If he could not stick to them or felt they needed to be renegotiated on, here is a thought...talk about it before it is too late. Surely he knew when he started developing romantic feelings for this woman. Or perhaps he was too caught up in the newness. Either way it goes, he is handling it quite badly in this moment.
I know you do not want a divorce, but he cannot sweep issues under the rug and pretend like everything is a-okay. Eventually you will start to resent him and start disengaging from him. It is akin to telling someone how they are hurting you and them not caring. It is akin to crying, feeling deserted, and thinking or even feeling like the person simply does not care. It is not love when someone is immune to your pain and refuses to even hear you out. You may be the most caring person in the world, but you cannot care enough for both of you. Ideally, he should be willing to hear you out and what you have to say. Even if he does not agree, he should respect you enough to listen and be present for a conversation. No one says it has to turn ugly or be confrontational. He is not empathising, and it sucks. Since he will not hear you out, I would suggest seeking counselling for yourself and writing a letter to him. Write everything you feel. You do not have to give it to him, but you need to get those feelings out.
Right now, I would say focus on your health and being a mother to your children. Make sure you take care of yourself. I am not going to tell you to just get the bloody hell over it because he is not handling it appropriately. You cannot control him, but you can make sure that you are doing what is best for you. Any one can see he is not handling this the right way.
You have the right to feel any way you please, and do not let anyone try to tell you differently. If you are hurting, sad, mad, or feel like breaking something, that is your right. Only you know what you are feeling, and no one can take that from you. I would say grieving might be in order, if you decide that you want to stay in the marriage and try to find a happy-medium. Grieving because you have to grieve for the loss of what was and what might never be again. All of that is to be expected. Talking about non-mono relationships, open, poly, etc. in theory is one thing, but no one knows how they will feel until they are in the midst of a situation. I am sure you did not bank on feeling like this. I do hope it gets better for you.
OP, was the marriage intended to be open/non-mono or poly? I am asking because sometimes non-mono relationships do not include emotions. They might include any form of non-romantic relationships like friends with benefits, swinging, etc. Thus, your agreement to not fall in love could actually be logical. If it was poly, it is bit different because poly implies many loves. Whatever the case is, you and your husband made rules that worked for the both of you. If he had an issue, he chose not to voice it. Agreements belong between the parties who set them. Thus, it serves no purpose for me to wave my fist in the air and scream, "Injustice."
He refuses to address the issues? Oh joy. That will bode well, and it screams healthy for the relationship. Why is he refusing to go to counselling? Is it because deep down he knows he is being a dick? I have no issue with any rules/boundaries/agreements made between people. If he could not stick to them or felt they needed to be renegotiated on, here is a thought...talk about it before it is too late. Surely he knew when he started developing romantic feelings for this woman. Or perhaps he was too caught up in the newness. Either way it goes, he is handling it quite badly in this moment.
I know you do not want a divorce, but he cannot sweep issues under the rug and pretend like everything is a-okay. Eventually you will start to resent him and start disengaging from him. It is akin to telling someone how they are hurting you and them not caring. It is akin to crying, feeling deserted, and thinking or even feeling like the person simply does not care. It is not love when someone is immune to your pain and refuses to even hear you out. You may be the most caring person in the world, but you cannot care enough for both of you. Ideally, he should be willing to hear you out and what you have to say. Even if he does not agree, he should respect you enough to listen and be present for a conversation. No one says it has to turn ugly or be confrontational. He is not empathising, and it sucks. Since he will not hear you out, I would suggest seeking counselling for yourself and writing a letter to him. Write everything you feel. You do not have to give it to him, but you need to get those feelings out.
Right now, I would say focus on your health and being a mother to your children. Make sure you take care of yourself. I am not going to tell you to just get the bloody hell over it because he is not handling it appropriately. You cannot control him, but you can make sure that you are doing what is best for you. Any one can see he is not handling this the right way.
You have the right to feel any way you please, and do not let anyone try to tell you differently. If you are hurting, sad, mad, or feel like breaking something, that is your right. Only you know what you are feeling, and no one can take that from you. I would say grieving might be in order, if you decide that you want to stay in the marriage and try to find a happy-medium. Grieving because you have to grieve for the loss of what was and what might never be again. All of that is to be expected. Talking about non-mono relationships, open, poly, etc. in theory is one thing, but no one knows how they will feel until they are in the midst of a situation. I am sure you did not bank on feeling like this. I do hope it gets better for you.
