Forced to make a decision

[Mookitten]

Hello, again.

I've recently been forced to make a decision about the relationship I have with my polyamorous man, and I don't quite know what to do. I'm hoping for some advice or encouragement.

In a little less than 5 weeks, there will be a convention. This is the same convention where I met my guy last year. We've had a relationship since then.

Now, those who've seen my posts before, obviously know I'm not comfortable with him being poly. I try my best to get by and deal with it. It really mostly makes me feel terrible. But I love him, so I try.

This event, which I have loved and gone to for years, is basically his "crazy" weekend. I think he's already made plans to have some one-night stands, or meet people, and just really sleep around, and I don't know if I can handle the heartbreak of both not going to the event, and hearing about him sleeping around and meeting new partners like that.

He's told me I should go to the event with friends, so I don't miss out. But I know my mind will be on him all night, and I know if I see him with another woman, I will get upset, and even more so if I see him being affectionate, or taking them up to his room.

I'm really at a loss of what to do, because it seems like I'll be hurt if I stay home, or if I go.

I asked him the other night about something he used to tell me. He used to tell me he only wanted a romantic relationship, the sort of intimacy and romance we have, with me.

I asked him if this was still true, and he changed his tune, basically saying if he meets someone else, romance is in his nature. And he tried to change what he said to what he meant, which is bullshit, to me. If he wants to change it, change it. But don't try and pretend I heard it wrong, you know?

Also, he forgot he made plans with me for Valentine's Day, scheduled a rehearsal with his band, and instead made plans with me for the day before.

Am I allowed to be hurt that he just forgot about plans like those he made with me? Also, the fact is that he made them, crying to me, the last time I was seriously contemplating leaving him?

I just... I don't know what to do. I really would love private conversation, or just someone to talk to about this.

I keep trying to accept the poly lifestyle he leads, but it's so damn hard when I'm such a monogamous person.

 

[Arrowbound]

Hello, again...

I've recently... Been forced to make a decision about the relationship I have with my poly man. And I don't quite know what to do, and I'm hoping for some advice or encouragement.

Basically, in a little less than 5 weeks, there is a convention. This same convention last year, I met my guy, and since then we've had a relationship.

Now, those who've seen my posts before, obviously know I'm not comfortable with him being poly, and... I try my best to get by, and deal with it. But it really does mostly make me feel terrible. But I love him, so I try.

Speaking of dealing, have you voiced your concerns to him since your last post? Because if you haven't they stay in your head and he stays having no idea how you feel or what you're thinking.

Anyway. This event, which I have loved and gone to for years, is basically his "crazy" weekend. I think he's already made plans to have some one-night stands, or meet people, and just really sleep around.

And... I don't know if I can handle the heartbreak of both not going to the event, and hearing about him sleeping around and meeting new partners like that.

Now, he's told me I should go with friends to the event, so I don't miss out. But I know my mind will be on him all night, and I know if I see him with another woman, I will get upset. And even more so if I see him being affectionate, or taking them up to his room.

Another instance where you need to be voicing your concerns. He has too much leeway. It sounds like he just does whatever he wants and you sit back waiting for the emotional fallout, thinking that's the way to deal. Your foot? Put it down. Stop everything. SPEAK UP. He needs to slow the hell down. Why is any of this okay for him to do? I don't understand.

I'm really at a loss of what to do, because it seems like I'll be hurt if I stay, or if I leave.

There is a lot to figure out and discuss together before a decision can be made. And this co-dependency needs to be addressed, frankly. Whatever emotions you're trying to avoid will be felt at some point whether you sit still and do nothing or get up and go.

I asked him the other night about something he used to tell me. He used to tell me he only wanted a romantic relationship, the sort of intimacy and romance we have, with me.

I asked him if this was still true, and he changed his tune, basically saying if he meets someone else, romance is in his nature. And he tried to change what he said to what he meant. (Which, is bullshit, to me. If he wants to change it, change it. But don't try and pretend I heard it wrong, you know?)

Also, he forgot he made plans with me on Valentine's day and scheduled a rehearsal with his band... And instead made plans with me the day before.

Am I allowed to be hurt that he just forgot about plans like that he made with me? Also, the fact is that he made them, crying to me, the last time I was seriously contemplating leaving him?

Neither of you speak up enough. And he is manipulating the situation by playing on your self-esteem.

I just... I don't know what to do. I really would love private conversation, or just someone to talk to about this.

I keep trying to accept the poly lifestyle he leads, but it's so damn hard when I'm such a monogamous person.

No. What you're actually doing is letting yourself be taken for a ride. He knows that if he turns on the tears you'll relent and try to pick up the pieces again. He's secure in knowing that you will continue to put up with his bullshit because leaving might seem that much worse.

I say all of this not to down you or make you feel bad about yourself but I don't sugarcoat online or off.

 

[Mookitten]

He says I have to accept him the way he is, or else we can't be together. His actions aren't up for debate, basically. If I say anything about it, he says I'm not letting him be his own person, and I'm trying to change him. I'm not letting him be polyamorous.

I can't say anything about the people he picks to be his lovers, and I can't ask him not to sleep around. It seems like he's already made plans, because he said he knew how the weekend was going to go.

I just... I don't know what to do.

People tell me that I shouldn't be the only one sacrificing in this relationship, but at the same time, aren't I denying him who he feels he is if I don't let him do "whatever the hell he wants"?

Yes. I have spoken to him. This was the second time. And he basically said this is what he was doing. And that's it. I have no say in his life, or what he's doing. He just does it, and I have to deal with it, or not deal with it.

He says I "knew what I was getting into" back when we met. Yes. He told me he was poly. But, I mean, people have such vastly different definitions of what it means to be polyamorous. His seems to include taking lovers, and only telling me about them being together after they have been intimate. Apparently planning and meeting up before that doesn't mean a thing unless sexual acts happen. And he does one-night stands, threesomes, orgies. I don't even know what he has planned.

I just don't know. I have no say in what he does. He'd pick fucking multiple women over having a relationship with me any day, I think simply over the principle that I would be "making him choose."

 

[BrigidsDaughter]

I normally don't follow this thread, but I was drawn in by your name, Mookitten. When I told my husband, Runic Wolf, about your post, he said that what your boyfriend is doing isn't polyamory, and it's pretty fucked up, in his opinion.

Yes, you knew you were going to be dating a poly person, but while poly can include one-night stands and threesomes, it generally doesn't include orgies. In poly, you don't get your own way 100% of the time; it takes work and communication and a willingness to listen to your SO when they are struggling and take their needs into account.

IMO, if he was serious about having a relationship with you, he'd want to return to the place where you met together, as a couple, not tell you to go with your friends so that he can appear single and get fucked more.

Sorry, but I'd kick his ass to the curb. You deserve better than that.

 

[IndieSolo]

Mookitten, I don't see him as being very kind nor understanding towards you. He sounds like a big ol' dictator. People shouldn't be waving the poly flag while running roughshod all over the ones who care about them. Personally, I could not stay in a situation like yours, where I was treated with such disregard. Why do you even stay?

Yes, you are "allowed" to feel hurt. Your feelings are valid because they are your feelings, and don't need to be justified to anyone.

One important question: does he use condoms, and at least let you in on his safe sex practices (if any) while he is running around fucking all these people?

 

[Mookitten]

@BrigidsDaughter, we do communicate. I voice my feelings and what have you. But it doesn't change his actions... And, while I understand to an extent he wants to have other relationships and everything... I just don't understand the one-night stands.

And, to be fair, he met me and his other lover at the event. The same event. Same night... So it's not like I have anything special with him. We have nothing that's "ours", per se. Because he shares everything with his lovers... He took me to the Renn Faire for my birthday. But then just took his other lover "just 'cause". And... I feel like I need a special occasion to get anything from him... Plus, he lives with her. Which has made me very jealous. (And I've met her, I don't like her. But that's neither here nor there)


@nycindie, I don't know what else to do. He says this is what being polyamorous is, and that if I don't like it, then this isn't the relationship to be in. I stay because I'm in love with him, and he says he's in love with me. And, beyond everything to do with his poly lifestyle, he and I get along great. We have a connection. We love spending time together. And I'm just so happy when I'm with him.

Although I'm slightly uncomfortable posting about that sort of thing on a public forum, he and I do not use condoms, but he does with all of his other partners. And, honestly, I believe him. I do not think he has any reason to lie to me about that.

Also, he was my first, and I'm on birth control. Of course this does nothing to protect against STDs, I'm aware. But he says he gets tested regularly, and is clean. And I just trust that.

 

[rory]

^Well, at least you are protecting your physical health. That's good.

That's not enough, though. You need to protect your emotional health, too.

He says I have to accept him the way he is, or else we can't be together. His actions aren't up for debate. If I say anything about it, he says I'm not letting him be his own person, and I'm trying to change him. I'm not letting him be polyamorous.

I can't say anything about the people he picks to be his lovers, and I can't ask him not to sleep around. It seems like he's already made plans, because he said he knew how the weekend was going to go.

He is manipulating you. Being polyamorous means that you can love more than one person at a time. That is the only thing you have no control over as a polyamorous person, your feelings.

He is trying to make it sound like because he is polyamorous he can't control what he does. That is bullshit, such dishonesty. He can control his actions, but he doesn't want to.

The fact that he doesn't want to doesn't make him a bad person. He is allowed to want to live polyamorously, i.e., to have multiple relationships. He is also allowed to want to have sex with anybody and at any time he feels like it. There's nothing wrong with that, but it's not inherent in polyamory.

What does make him an asshole is that he won't be honest and say, "This is what I want; if this is not what you want, we shouldn't be in a relationship."

He doesn't care about hurting you. He gets everything he wants in this situation; he can fuck around and you'll still be there to service him. Because he doesn't care about the fact that you hurt, he won't end it with you (except maybe if he gets tired of you). You need to do that yourself. Please, don't let him string you along any longer.

 

[Mookitten]

He never said he couldn't control his actions. He just doesn't want to. He is poly and says that means he can do what he wants. And I guess it means I am separate from his life in that regard. My emotions do not impact his decisions to sleep around. I honestly don't know how he does it. He's willing to sacrifice our relationship for a string of one-night stands and threesomes.

Shouldn't he feel at least slightly worried or concerned about how it would impact me?

I just... I don't know what to do. What to say to him. How to make this work. I want this to work. I care about him so very much, and he tells me he is in love with me.

I just don't know how to cope. It feels like it is always me sacrificing.

Sure, he drives down to me. But I pay for gas and food and everything. And I have sacrificed activities and, obviously, my sanity to be with him.

I just don't know what to do. I do think he is being manipulative to an extent, but I don't think he means to. I don't know. I wish one of you could talk with him and search for answers, because I just don't know anymore. Although I am grateful for your assistance, none of you have met him or know his entire personality.

Sigh... I really want to make this work, though.

More so, I don't want to come out of this regretting it. I don't want to come out feeling used and manipulated. I don't want that.

 

[Phy]

I am sorry that you are hurting. Maybe there is much more adding to your situation that you didn't let us in about, but what I am reading here, everything that I am able to feel when reading about your story is just: this is wrong, so wrong.

Yes, he is right, you should accept your partner for what he is, but where is his acceptance for what you are?! For what you feel? Where is YOUR acceptance for what you feel, as well? You are suffering, while he does what he wants. Sorry if this is offensive, but I question his feelings for you. And I question his ability to see what he is doing to you. This may be caused by your own incapability to handle your feelings. You aren't able to get through to him and tell him what you are feeling, it seems. If he understood how much he is hurting you and still continues, you should seriously reconsider if this relationship is worth it.

You can call what you are doing however you want. Giving things a name doesn't validate them. If it causes you hurt and pain, don't do it. Find a way to compromise (together!) and start having a relationship that is healthy and beneficial to you.

If that isn't possible, think about why you are staying in a situation that isn't tolerable in and of itself.

Best wishes,
Phy

 

[IndieSolo]

Mookitten,

He is your first, you said, so you are looking at your situation colored by some sort of romantic idea about that. But there are other men out there! There are others who would love to respect and cherish you, and work toward building a healthy relationship with you.

Don't settle for this jerkwad who only cares about himself and no one else! He doesn't really know what poly is, and I say this because he doesn't give a shit about taking care of the people in his life or, at the least, working towards a consensual arrangement/agreement with his lovers.

My advice is to end it and move on.

I am sorry, that probably means going to that event might be too raw this year, but you need to do what you can to preserve and boost up your sense of self-esteem and self-worth and invite beauty and joy into your life instead of all this pain -- and being treated so callously.

 

[Mookitten]

But what if I don't want to end it? What if I want to see if we can work it out? How do I address him about my feelings, or about how he needs to work with me to make us work, and not just do what ever he wants?

He says he'll always love me, and always make time for me... But I've honestly been questioning that love, too. I know he does, at least to some extent. I'm just afraid it's not as much as he likes to say.

I don't know what to do, but I don't want to end things with him.

Honestly, I'm not seeking praise or anything, because none of you actually know me. But I'm not something guys want, or something people want to actually spend time with. I'm a bit awkward and shy at first. He had to deal with a lot of that in order to get to where we are now. And, honestly, I don't feel like anyone in their right minds would think I'm worth it, at least not as a main partner. I feel like I'm only good in small doses, or with little commitment. I really cannot see how anyone would want a monogamous relationship with me, or even for me to be their primary.

 

[ThatGirlInGray]

The problem with trying to work it out is that it takes BOTH of you. He's made it quite clear that he's going to do what he wants and if you're not ok with it then this relationship isn't for you. You even say in a previous post

He says this is what being polyamorous is. And that if I don't like it, then this isn't the relationship to be in

While I don't agree with the first part (there's no ONE way to be poly, but even so I'd take issue to him claiming that his actions are part of being poly) the second part is true.

He may SAY he loves you, but actions speak louder than words. Where is his care and compassion for you if he's in love with you?

You might want to see about getting counseling for your self-image issues. My husband is also awkward and shy. It may make it harder to start a relationship, but it's not a bad thing. Above all, you are a human being, and on that basis alone, deserve to be treated with respect and feel cared for by someone who claims to love you.

Also, this concerns me:

He and I do not use condoms, but he does with all of his other partners. And, honestly. I believe him. I do not think he has any reason to lie to me about that.

Unless there's a significant reason for him to use condoms with his other partners but not with you (i.e., they aren't on birth control, while you are, etc.), I would seriously question his assertion that he does with everyone else and only doesn't use them with you. He absolutely could have a reason to lie. You let him have sex with you without a condom because of his statements. Have you seen one of his test results showing him to be clean?

You're right, we don't know him and we don't know you, but from what you've posted it sure seems like he's taking advantage of your inexperience and sense of self to keep you hanging on, so he can get what he wants from you whenever he wants it without having to give anything back he doesn't want to give.

ETA: I'm sorry you're hurting, but just because you love him doesn't mean he's the right person to be in a relationship with. You'll love a lot of people, and relationships just won't be possible with some of them. You've asked him to change. He said no, so now it is up to you. Do you want to continue this relationship as it is? Is that enough for you? The idealized version that you want seems highly unlikely, from everything you've said.

 

[IndieSolo]

He says he'll always love me, and always make time for me... But I've honestly been questioning that love, too. I know he does, at least to some extent.

Love isn't worth much when you're not treated well. Parents who abuse their children say they love them, too. Don't be so desperate. Just because you don't believe you are worthy of the time and attention of someone who cares and can follow through on his statements of love with actions that make you feel wanted and valued, doesn't mean it is the truth. I don't think this boyfriend of yours is worth your time and attention, because he treats you with such disregard. Perhaps you should see a therapist or counselor and work on your self-esteem.

Re safe sex, I hope you realize you should get tested, whether you keep seeing him or not. If he doesn't use protection with you, what makes you think he is careful with anyone else? If you do keep seeing him, demand that he use a condom with you from now on. Just because he says he's been tested and is "clean" doesn't mean a damn thing if you haven't seen the test results (originals, not copies that can be doctored). The way he treats you, I wopuldn't trust what he says without proof. Wake up, honey!

 

[Mookitten]

He is careful with me because he knew he was my first. Therefore, he knew he couldn't get anything from me...

I understand the concern, I do. And I am considering making him wear a condom, or at least show me a test when he gets it done. I will get tested. (I'm just slightly afraid of getting it done.) We have health services here at my school, so I can get it done easily.

I understand it doesn't sound good, but I do trust him when he says these things. He hasn't lied to me. He has changed his words, but people and things change. I understand that.

:/ I know he sounds like he's a bad guy. And, part of me sometimes thinks so because of what others say about him. But he really does care about me, and he's there for me if I need him...

It isn't fair what he does to me, I know. But I'm going to try and talk to him about it, maybe work something out. Search his feelings some more, and get a clearer picture of what he thinks of me, you know?

He's never lied to me before.


And... If he wants me, for what ever purpose, at least I'm wanted. At least he loves me. It hurts sometimes, yes. But I do love him, and most of the time I'm very happy with him.

I think this is just a rough spot... Or maybe everything was easy until this point. I think it's too early to tell, and I need to communicate with him more.

It's hard to reach him for serious discussion, though. It usually has to be in person, and we don't see each other for weeks...

 

[ThatGirlInGray]

If your school has health services they probably have mental health services too. Talk to a counselor. "at least I'm wanted" is an unhealthy thought process and will never lead to a relationship where you're treated well, because you will always put up with more than you should from your SO. It's similar to the thought process I've seen from people in abusive relationships.

I respect that you're trying to separate YOUR thoughts and opinions from what "everyone else says". That's commendable. But if literally EVERYONE you talk about this, friends as well as strangers, mono as well as poly folk are all telling you the same thing, hopefully you'll decide to listen.

 

[Mookitten]

I am definitely taking all of your thoughts and opinions into consideration.

I will speak with him again when I can and hopefully either work something out, or at least figure out our feelings and where we want this relationship to go, etc.

Truly, thank you all for your opinions and help.

It's really tough not knowing anyone personally poly to discuss these things with. I wish I had a close friend or someone I could talk to about these things. But I suppose that's why you have a community like this.

Seriously, thank you.

 

[Arrowbound]

He says I have to accept him the way he is, or else we can't be together....

Oh. So you should be the only one bending and being considerate. Red flag.

:/ His actions aren't up for debate, basically. If I say anything about it, he says I'm not letting him be his own person, and I'm trying to change him. That I'm not letting him be polyamorous.

And you can't call him out on his bullshit ever, because that's you hindering his 'self'. This my dear is a trap. Manipulation at play. What he's doing is far from ethical.

I can't say anything about the people he picks to be his lovers, and I can't ask him not to sleep around. It seems like he's already made plans. Because he said he knew how the weekend was going to go.

I just... I don't know what to do.

People tell me that I shouldn't be the only one sacrificing in this relationship, but at the same time, aren't I denying him who he feels he is if I don't let him do "whatever the hell he wants"?

You don't know what to do because you've recognized this isn't right. You've recognized that YOU are the one doing the bending and twisting and dealing with the emotional discomfort. He seems to be mighty fine until you threaten to leave him, which is when he manipulates you yet again. When is enough going to be enough? Do you see yourself getting fed up anytime soon?

Yes. I have spoken to him. This was the second time. And he basically said, this is what he was doing. And that's it. :/ I have no say in his life, or what he's doing... He just does it, and I have to deal with or. Or not deal with it.

He says I "knew what I was getting into" back when we met. Yes. He told me he was poly. But I mean... People have such vast definitions of what it means to be polyamorous. His seems to include taking lovers (and only telling me about them being together after they have been intimate. Apparently planning and meeting up before that doesn't mean a thing unless sexual acts happen.) and one night stands/threesomes/orgies/I don't even know what he has planned.

And... I just don't know. I have no say in what he does. He'd pick fucking multiple women over having a relationship with me any day. I think simply over the principle that I would be "making him choose".

You knew what you were getting into? How presumptuous of him. You can't control his actions and I'm sure you don't want to. But he's not even doing the minimum when it comes to taking your feelings into account. That's a problem and it won't be resolved until he stops being a selfish ass. Period.

 

[Mookitten]

@Arrowbound,

Those things you pointed out, and saying they're manipulation and everything...


I'm just curious, but how would a "normal" poly (I use this term because apparently I've been told he isn't doing poly right) react to my hurt/fear/anxiety?

What would a normal polyamorous person do if their lover felt this hurt and worried about the actions they were going to, and planned on doing?

 

[ThatGirlInGray]

Assuming you and their relationship with you was important to them, I'd say a "normal" poly person (if the people on this forum are representative) would take a step back in order to deal with the situation without hurting their partner further. While they may not be able to address all the hurt/fear/anxiety at once, possibly because it would in turn hurt someone else important to them, they would work with you to try to find ways to deal with at least some of the problems. Maybe he's not ever going to stop sleeping with other people, but asking to be notified when he starts seeing someone and CERTAINLY before he starts sleeping with someone is easily done and in no way is you trying to "change" him. All you're asking for is basic respect and communication.

He's being selfish, not polyamorous. The only credit I'll give him is that he has been upfront, over and over, about the fact that he ISN'T going to change and he doesn't care about your needs or feelings. That's not a relationship. That's him using you, and you need to let him know that you are no longer going to tolerate it.

 

[IndieSolo]

Also, if you asked a kind and thoughtful poly person to "save" a certain weekend or event to be focused on you, and to take a break from any other dalliances while you were with him at a certain event, he would at the very least consider it, rather than dismiss your request and say you were stifling him. He could sit down and offer a compromise, such as only allowing one evening out of three days together to hookup with someone else, and devote the rest of time there with you. Or some other arrangement that you could say you'd be comfortable with.

That's what communication, negotiation, and making agreements are all about. It's not enough to just say, "This is what I will do, so deal with it."