Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

:) This morning he told me he was jumping in with both feet, and he felt he was falling in love with me very fast. There's no doubt - the way he looks at me, the way he touches me - he has NRE really bad. But it's all good, because so do I. :)
 
Since peeps have been asking - an update.

I haven't seen B in over a month, as I haven't uh, needed his services. I miss his smile, but I never really wanted a FWB - right now I am good without one.

PunkRockAwesomesauce and I are still going strong. Everyday it feels like I love him even more.The NRE has been great.

We've taken to splitting my time - I stay over at his house for 3 days at a stretch, then I'll be with my husband for several days, and then PRA will come stay at my house with my husband and I for a day or two. So far it is working great. D says he likes PRA a lot, and thinks he is very honest and well, awesomesauce. :) Right now the only jealousy issue that has been expressed is that PRA said he wishes that our relationship had the same longevity behind it that my husband has had. He has said several times that he wants this to be lifelong, and he seems to be backing that up fiercely.

He updated his Facebook page to reflect our relationship. He is out to his friends AND his family. Everyone in his life has been happy for him. D and I had several conversations and I came out on Facebook as well - by updating my "About Me" section, and sharing pics and events whenever I am with PRA. I had a few friends who didn't know message me almost immediately, but only one unfriended me - someone I hadn't talked to since high school. Whatever. My parents and siblings seem to have not noticed. My father has been messaging me a lot lately, and he dances around the issue. I am not nervous about telling anyone, anymore.

This just feels right. This is the type of polyfidelity I've wanted from the beginning. I am happy - oh so happy. :)
 
Happy for you.

My life runs the same way.
 
This is new to me - I would appreciate any tips on how to make the process run smoothly. So far it seems to be going well. I keep checking in with my husband, and he is happy so far with the time split.
 
Stay connected with your husband. Make sure he has a bit of a safe zone.

While Butch and Murf are friends. Butch needs not to have his home invaded too much. At first he was ok with Murf being here quite often but after awhile he needed his space. Butch is a giver when it comes to me.

So I split my time mainly between my house with Butch and the one I share with Murf. I spend 12-14 days a month with Murf. This weekend I will be with Murf Friday through Sunday night with my boys. Next week I will spend the night Wednesday until 3 pm Thursday. Then he has a long weekend working. I hope to see him Monday into Tuesday. Then a kid free weekend Friday till Monday.
 
Yes, I've been making sure D is supported with his space and the down time his introverted self needs. I don't want him to feel like he is obligated to make time for me to get my snuggle on with PRA. I keep checking in, and he is fine for now. He says he has no complaints and he is happy with the time split so far. He also has lots of compersion - he is glowing with happiness for me. He says I am much better now, than I ever was with M.

Can I ask a practical question? How much stuff do you keep at Murf's? PRA cleared me some space to leave toiletries and clothing, but I have no idea how much to leave there. I've not had to navigate this before! I do know that I change my clothes bunches before deciding on something to wear. I don't know if I can stand leaving clothing at his house, when I might want it back at my place! Oy! I am such a stupid girl.

So far, things are so wonderful. However, I keep waiting for the shoe to drop, you know? Things were wonderful with M, for a short while.

I just re-read my entire blog and I got very teary. Wow. I was in such a bad place for so very long and I kept excusing it all away. I have to make sure to not ever do that again. It's my MO though - 12 years with my ex-husband and then again and again with friend relationships. And of course, most recently with M. Maybe by writing it here I can give it a name and put it to rest. I need to value myself and my emotions more.

PRA is coming over to pick me up tomorrow and we are going to spend the entire weekend together at his place, returning me home Monday morning. He is going to go out with D and I Monday night as a 3-pack for trivia. I cannot wait to see him. It seems like ages and ages but it was just yesterday morning! I am trying not to be clingy but my NRE is just fucking with me so much. I feel like I love him to pieces and when we aren't together, I am in pieces. Not in a negative way, but in a goofy, what was I doing again? sort of way. Buh.
 
Can I ask a practical question? How much stuff do you keep at Murf's? PRA cleared me some space to leave toiletries and clothing, but I have no idea how much to leave there. I've not had to navigate this before! I do know that I change my clothes bunches before deciding on something to wear. I don't know if I can stand leaving clothing at his house, when I might want it back at my place!
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I leave toiletries at Murf's house mainly. Some extra kitchen items too. I do not have many clothes because I don't want to leave something there that I may want to wear at another time. I do have emergency clothing stashed at his house in case of emergency. For example we got nailed with more snow than forecasted two weeks ago and it was not safe to travel. So I was stuck with Murf an extra day.

I know NRE effects you big time. My best advice is go with the flow the best you can. About a month into things with Murf he freaked out on me. I was so into him but he is mono and he had a moment where he had to decide whether or not he could handle having his woman never 100% available. It took him about a week. I was heart broken.
 
I do not have many clothes because I don't want to leave something there that I may want to wear at another time.
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This is my situation! I'm trying to figure out what I like enough in my closet that I would wear while over at his place, but don't care about enough to not miss it when dressing every day at home. The list is woefully short. I may have to buy new stuff. I think that sounds like a good compromise. :D
 
We are at the comfortable with each other stage. Murf has seen me puking with the flu.... So I do not have to dress to impress...lol. So I keep Jeans, a couple of t shirts and plain long sleeve shirts I wear with something else. Yoga pants, shorts, and a wife beater to sleep in. Bra and underwear. Couple pairs of socks. I also keep a spare pair of back up scrubs in case I have to go into work on short notice.

Toiletries I bought travel size and I refill from home as needed.
 
Thanks bunches for the help! I bought some extra camisoles and toiletries. So far so good. :) PunkRockAwesomesauce cleared out a drawer for me and made some room in his bathroom cabinet for my stuff. I feel so cared for and loved!
 
Well I guess I am fine with continuing to write here - it seems to provide some sort of outlet, even I I don't necessarily have the urge to write bunches all the time. PRA knows I have a blog, he's actually read it here and has encouraged me to keep it up. So it feels nice to be supported in that way. I don't have any secrets anyway.

Gosh I could look at him for hours and hours. I catch myself looking at him and smiling all the time. It's a different kind of feeling than I had with M. I don't ever feel unimportant or marginalized.

Today we both are wearing Star Wars shirts and black converse sneakers - completely by accident. Too sweet, right?

I am actually buying a car for my daughter today, so PRA and I are sitting together in the MVA while I am writing this. Boring as hell, but sweet that he was willing to bring me here and sit for what seems like forever with me. We have a date on Friday to go to Medieval Times for dinner. Should be fun.

So far, things are going well, from my perspective. He is sexually awesomesauce and though I am still quick to recharge and want to have another go, his drive seems to completely match mine. He is rough when I want it rough, he is loving and caring lots and like I said, I could watch him for hours.

I am in this for the long term. I am blissfully happy.
 
Ugh. Car buying did not go well yesterday - the seller was missing important signatures and paperwork. So, all that sitting at the MVA and no car to show for it. PunkRockAwesomesauce was snuggly and supportive through it all, so that was great. It sucked that half of our day was wasted though!

My husband, PRA and I had a dinner date together last night and we played trivia together. It went fine for both of my guys, I think, but it was very confusing for me. I had gone out with both M and D before, but never I had felt this way - my body was very confused. D was giving me this come hither look that he always sends me, so that got me fired up. And then PRA would rub my leg or arm and I would get even more excited. But usually what I am very careful of is shifting my response to match the guy I am with. Meaning, I try and funnel my horniness to the man of the moment. But, I had two guys sitting there, smiling at me! I didn't know who to focus on and my brain went fuzzy. I guess there are worse problems to have! I let them both know what was going on, and they both seemed to find it comical. Humph.

PRA had another amazing night last night - we seem to wake up every few hours to have sex. We are both insatiable. Never before have I been with someone who has a drive that matches mine 100%. I keep waiting for this to be a mess somehow, but nope, we match up, for sure. He recharges quickly, likes nothing but to spend time making us both feel great and then wants to wrap me up in a huge hug the rest of the night. What I am most happy about is that I was honestly considering seeing a therapist about my abnormal sexua drive, and seeing what could be done about it. Well, now it is clear that I am NOT abnormal. I just needed to find someone that could keep up.

He has told me several times that he wants this to be life long and permanent. That he loves me and that this was what he has been waiting for. I want to believe him so desperately - never have I felt this way. With my husband, it was different. Just as amazing, but different. With PRA, I just feel like - hello, I believe you are sharing my soul.
 
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iC8tP9Oo52Y

Gosh, doesn't this song just kill me when I listen to it - honestly, it brings me back to how terrible I felt pretty much the entire month of December. You know, when I was so desperate to believe every word that came out of M's mouth.

I feel that my poly experience with him has made me cautious. Maybe cynical even. PunkRockAwesomesauce is just so wonderful. He is saying all the right things, wonderful things. He is talking with his friends, letting them know he is with a poly chick even though he is mono. He is re-affirming this decision every time he is with me, reassuring me that this is what he really wants. He texted me today, saying that he loves me (he sent this more than once) and that sharing me and being involved in a poly relationship and shifting his entire mono world to be with me is what he definitely wants to do. "It's worth it for a chance to love you," he said. Melt my heart!

It angers me a little that I need this sort of reassurance. Like, just a little. M ruined my free spirit attitude toward love. I don't trust this. I really really want to, but it is so difficult, because it seems too perfect. If I had met PRA first, I wouldn't feel this hesitation to believe. I'd just be free-falling into the bliss. At the same time though, I AM just diving in - I am not putting up any blocks to slow things down. I am experiencing our relationship as it happens, and the only hesitation is in my own mind, as it unfolds. And the hesitation isn't extreme at all, but it is there, making me question myself and if I am really worth it, if PRA will be there and will back up his words with actions.

And what beautiful words!

PRA has told me numerous times that he wants this to be life-long, and forever. He wants to move closer, or have us move closer and possibly live together. He told me he was thinking that if, ever, we decided we wanted to get married, that he would want to get matching tattoos to show the world we are a pair. Since you know, legally we can't get married. Anyway, I know this is NRE and this is crazy. But, it's also beautiful. He's beautiful. He's actually thought about this stuff.

I love him so very much. "I'll be the one if you want me too." Yeah, that's a desperate quote from the song that I linked. But also, "I'm still learning to love, just starting to crawl." I am in this for the long haul with him. I feel like we have a deep connection. Again, that's NRE, but for me, regardless of the hesitations that M has left me with, my love with PRA, well, it's for always.
 
Last night was really, really good. My husband and I stayed up until midnight, talking about PRA, poly, life, the universe and everything. He absolutely did wonders for my self-esteem and confidence level, which had both dipped a bit. (See last post!)

D said again that he likes PRA a lot, that he believes I have finally found the right sort of poly and person to make me happier. He thinks that my fears are completely unfounded - no guy in the world would make long term promises this early on in a relationship, if he didn't mean them. He was like, seriously, you would accept lesser statements and he would get the same results. Guys don't make huge promises like that if they can lie lighter.

That made sense to me. I haven't dated anyone who has said things like that, ever. Even D didn't, until he was sure. Wow. Anyway, just talking that out, made me feel so...loved. D said yes, it is very early to be talking that long term, but if things continue, he would be perfectly fine with us moving closer to PRA in a year's time, if all else in our lives fall that way. (D has a work from home job and we rent a house, so we can relocate anywhere in the world, really. Right now we live where we do because my in-laws have serious health issues and we need to be close to them.) As far as co-habitating, he thinks that would be the best thing for me emotionally, it has yet to be seen if it would be the best for PRA. I mean, we know D can feel crazy compersion when I am sleeping with PRA, but can PRA handle hearing D and I be intimate? I thought that was a good point. Again, too early for the discussion, but it is really great to see my husband wanting to discuss my poly and how it could effect him in the future. He was very very supportive.

We also discussed the desire he's articulated lately about telling his parents about me being poly, and all the stresses that will bring. D has a concert he will be singing in, in April, and he would like to invite PRA to come watch. No hesitation. We know his parents will be in attendance. I mentioned this to PRA, and he said he could sit on his own and that would be ok. I was NOT ok with this as a solution, and I told him that at the time. When I told D this, he visibly recoiled and said that was the worst idea ever. He and I are 100% on the same page there - neither of us ever want to not acknowledge PRA and his relationship with me. So, by then, at least, his parents will know. I told D he had to recognize that his parents may then not attend, and he agreed that could be an outcome. We also discussed holidays and other get-togethers. We have tabled that discussion for next week - his dad's birthday is this weekend and we don't plan to bring it up then, anyway.

PRA is coming to my house for a sleepover tonight. (Yay!) I won't be home until 6ish because I teach Chemistry until later. I mentioned to PRA that he could come over earlier if he wanted and hang with D for a short bit. I told D this and he said he would like that, and I told him I think it would be good if they had some one-on-one time to talk some stuff. So maybe that will happen.

We also discussed the trouble I have taking compliments and D thinks I have improved a lot. So that's good too.

So, everything is good. I love both my guys so much!
 
I just read a post elsewhere on this site about giving peeps in our posts names instead of letters. So my husband D will now forever be referred to as DarkKnight.
 
Had a good few days with PunkRockAwesomesauce. :) We stayed up the one night, just talking to 4 am. Mostly everything I had just talked through with DarkKnight, but I wanted to be sure that everyone was on the same page. He told me numerous times that I am beautiful, that he doesn't like NOT giving me compliments. We talked bunches about my main issues with him being monogamous. Mostly that I can't give him a baby, and that we can never be married. Which, well, is the outcome of most mono relationships. This bothers me.

He told me again that he has never wanted children and that he has in fact ended relationships in the past because his girlfriend wanted them. So, at age 40, he has already made decisions about that and it doesn't bother him. And, well, he is really looking forward to cementing our partnership with an inappropriate, unauthorized civil union.

That had me in stitches for some reason. What a sweetie! Definitely a keeper.

Oh, I want to give a warning to any chickas out there considering a diaphragm. I had issues this week with mine! I didn't realize until Tuesday that I had forgotten to remove it after sex last weekend. I had it up there for 3 days. Holy shit the thing smelled like something had DIED. My vagina normally smells like, well, water. It doesn't have a scent! I have no idea where the smell came from, but it soaked into the diaphragm and no amount of soap and water would get it out. I ended up soaking it in bleach/water and that did the trick.

I was really worried because everything online I read said that the number one side affect from leaving a diaphragm in too long was a yeast infection. Fuck that. I had DarkKnight bring home a 1-day Monistat kit and I got that up my vajay immediately. The next day I had itching and I was SO glad I had taken this preventative measure! I had lots of dryness afterward, but the smell went away and so did the itching.

That said, PunkRockAwesomesauce and I were hella impatient and had sex on Thursday night. This resulted in lots of chaffing for me. I've been soaking in warm bath water the last 2 nights, and that seems to have helped. Everyone who has sexed me up knows that I am the wettest girl ever, so being dry was not an expected side effect! It's good to finally be all healed up. :)

So yeah - remember to remove your diaphragm ladies! I guess it is a good indicator on how little you feel this form of birth control - I seriously had no idea it was still up on my cervix! I will definitely be paying better attention to removing it!

Today DarkKnight is driving me up to the game store. PunkRockAwesomesauce is working there today, so I am going home with him to spend the next few days at his house. There is supposed to be a snow storm tonight, so this way I get over there before the terrible weather hits. I am looking forward to snuggling and having no responsibilities for a few days!

DarkKnight and I have been talking more about him telling his parents about my polyness. I do not see a positive outcome to this in any universe. We need to talk some more about it. His mom already dislikes me a bit, so this will send her into orbit, I bet.
 
I've spent the last few days at PunkRockAwesomesauce's house, and we've hit a couple of bumps. Last night I fell asleep and he couldn't rouse me, so he, uh, took care of things himself in another room. He told me this, this morning and it left me really sad. This was mainly communication - I told him next time to wake me up or he had permission to make a mess. I am way too horny to let him waste fun in that way! I mean, it is one thing to do it when I am not around, but dude - I'm in your bed! He said he wasn't used to being able to ask that and he'd make sure to share next time. Still, it left me feeling down.

Also, apparently some chick from his past found him on OKCupid (we both disabled our accounts but before that). She messaged him as a friend and he gve her his phone number. Well today, she propositioned him, wanting a hook up. Wow, when he told me that, it was like someone punched me in the gut. I tried to get a handle on my emotions really fucking quick, but I think he saw how unprepared I was to hear that. Coming on a few hours after him masturbating on his own, it kind of put me in a weird funk.

I decided to let it be a non-issue. I trust him. He told me about her initial message last week, and he showed me the messages she sent today. He plans to meet her for a platonic lunch on Thursday. I certainly feel a bit threatened by her - she definitely didn't pull punches with what she wanted, and they have messed around in the past. I don't blame her - I call him awesomesauce for a reason!

So, yeah. We've decided to be exclusive and polyfi and here so early in I am feeling vulnerable. It kinda sucks. He reassured me later that everything is great and that he loves me. I know this, so I am trying to keep breathing. It would really suck to lose him. This chicka is newly single and monogamous. I feel threatened by that because those are both things I am not.

B, my long term FWB, messaged me tonight. I hadn't heard from him dive I sent him a goodbye text last month, explaining I had found a love. He just said congrats and he hopes I was still feeling blissful.
 
Annnnnd I am now out to my extended family. Well, my younger sister anyway. She is in Jamaica getting married at the moment, but had time to Facebook stalk me. She messaged me last night, asking if I knew my "friend" had a cover photo of us kissing. So I answered her and she asked if I were kidding, and that there was a word for girls like me. That was it. It stresses me out a little bit because I know there will be a phone tree today that I probably won't be a part of, but the topic will entirely be me and my life choices. I guess it doesn't matter though - I am not changing who I am because of the disapproval of my extended family.
 
Just let it roll off your back.

Those who love you will be there at the end of the day.
 
Well, I didn't hear from my sister again. PunkRockAwesomesauce got a friend request from my father however, on Facebook. My dad messaged me in the afternoon and asked me to call my mom. I just got off the phone with her.

Yes, my sister messaged my dad this morning, telling him "the truth" about me. Apparently, my dad then had my mom read it, and then they looked at PunkRock's Facebook page to see the pic of us kissing. Then apparently my mom called every last one of my aunts and uncles to discuss my situation.

My mom was unhappy. She told me she doesn't believe in this sort of thing and everyone in her family thinks I am going to hell and that I am weird. She asked me if I was breaking the law, and if PunkRockAwesomesauce couldn't find and date a single woman. She then said that society was falling apart and that America was being run by communists. She said that DarkKnight is probably going to find some other woman and leave me for that woman. Also that DarkKnight's parents can't have approved of this.

Of course, I can't argue with crazy. I just reiterated that I am very happy, no one is being harmed and that I am not looking to get approval from anyone. I told her I was hoping that she would be willing to meet PunkRockAwesomeSauce when we come to NY this year and she ignored that but didn't say no.

Overall the response was the nutters that I expected but not as harsh.
 
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