Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love
- Thread starter Bluebird
- Start date
silencebreaking
New member
My house has also been taken over by the Zombicide... I haven't had a chance to play yet, but my husband has ran a few games for his friends. 
We just need to figure out a good way to store it, as a lot of the abominations are WAY too big for the storage containers he was using for the regular Zombicide stuff.
We just need to figure out a good way to store it, as a lot of the abominations are WAY too big for the storage containers he was using for the regular Zombicide stuff.
Bluebird
Well-known member
I will try to take some photos of how we store the models - basically we just use foam trays.
So...my emotions are still pretty raw and I have been struggling with how to write down everything that happened this weekend. I am sure there must be a way to tell things with some coherence, but apparently things are still rather raw with me. So I apologize. This will prolly be broken up in a few entries because processing everything is taking a LOT of my head space and I get overloaded.
WarMan and I had fights all day on Friday, so bad that I canceled our scheduled trip to DC on Saturday. We had planned to go to the Air and Space Museum, and then drop off my daughter with DarkKnight - he's at AwesomeCon this weekend. Instead, I sent my daughter by herself with a friend of mine who was also going to the Con, so she got a bonus day there. I guess it worked out, because even though we were in an ok space by Saturday morning, WarMan's back was fucked up so bad that he would not have been up to walking around anyplace. So instead, he and I went to Denny's for breakfast (it was terrible) and then to Sam's Club to get some groceries. The rest of the day was laid back as well, just watching episodes of a show called The Expanse and then mocking a documentary about Noah's Ark.
So yeah, more fighting. The first instance was in the morning. I sent him a text asking him if it'd be ok to schedule our family board game night next Friday instead of Thursday. He wrote me back that it was fine but in the future, he'd have to give some Fridays to Monkey because she was feeling unhappy about not having any Fridays. I texted back that was ok with me, but that he didn't need to share any info about Monkey's emotional state - to me that was over sharing. This set off a back and forth that I hope ended up with a productive resolution, even though I had to keep repeating it - I don't want to be told that she's upset, unhappy, angry, anything. That's for WarMan to handle, not me. A simple, I am spending next Friday with Monkey, would have sufficed. Or even, just put that time in on the calendar, we don't even have to have a discussion!
Honestly, I had to really shut things down with WarMan about Monkey. I am seriously not used to dealing with a metamour I am supposed to be completely ignoring because she can't handle I exist, but I know lots of people do it, supposedly. It is just so foreign to me. I honestly care about people, and when I am told someone is having an issue, I want to try and help with it. So to hear that she's sad or whatever - just no. I am not going to take her feelings into consideration when making plans in my schedule. That's WarMan's job, not mine. I told him that he had decided to create this barrier and wall between me and Monkey, and I was dealing with it the best I could. I don't mind him talking about stuff they did, or what they are talking about, but when he starts telling me about an issue or a problem - I can't be that person.
He was really agitated and thinks that this is an unfair stance for me to have - that I can't have it both ways - but I told him that is where I am at and I don't feel like that is going to change at this point. He says I am operating a don't ask don't tell relationship with that sort of restriction, but I reject that. I honestly just don't want to hear about her emotions at all. I don't care if he shares anything else, as long as it is isn't excessive amounts.
It's like, he has selectively forgotten the things she has done - how when we attended an event together, she called him the next morning and said that everyone was disgusted at how we were showing so much PDA - that all his friends were talking about it. And then he called his friends and they had no idea what he meant. Because, you know, there had been no PDA! And rather than help and encourage her to work on her jealousy issue, he just decided to cut off contact between me and her by not having us attend the same events. Which helps her not at all. And then it just got worse when he took me to meet his parents and children - and she threw a fit and threatened to cut him out of her life entirely - sending him spiraling into a terrible depression.
So no, if she hasn't worked on her issues and she still tries to badmouth me, then why would I really want to hear how she is upset or sad? To me that isn't even a real emotion - just a calculation to get him to feel better about her jealousy.
I honestly had all sorts of compassion for her previously, but now I just feel...nothing. In my mind, she doesn't even matter. I just in my head file it as if it's just another activity that my boyfriend does when we are not together - like when DarkKnight goes to brew beer. Ok, so with DarkKnight, I might ask if he had a good day but I really don't need to hear that his cousin is butt hurt because he can't go there more times a month. Just set it up in the calendar and tell me that you're brewing more lately. If I want to get into the reasoning - I will ask.
Apparently to WarMan though, me making a statement that I didn't need to hear that Monkey was sad means that I can't do poly right. I told him - there is no universe where I am ok with how things are set up, but this is his friendship with Monkey, not mine, and I do not want to have to hear about her emotions. What is crazy is that I just sent a simple text saying that it was too much info and then he wanted to get into it with me. So I went from pointing out that I needed him to be a less sloppy hinge just as a matter of fact thing that I needed to address, to being agitated and feeling unheard and misunderstood on the issue.
One of the things I talked about with my therapist last week was the positives I get from dating WarMan. Can I count them up - do they outweigh the stresses? Yes, I believe they do. However, this stress about Monkey's emotions was not even a thing I was thinking about at my session, but I can see just by WarMan's reaction to my balking at hearing about how she was feeling - this still has the potential to break us up. I have been thinking very seriously about whether or not this is an issue I want to deal with long term, when the other person isn't owning their shit. It's been almost a year, and it seems like Monkey has made zero progress on this. If WarMan is still saying that she continues to make disparaging comments, etc, am I doing myself a disservice my refusing to say anything bad about her to him? I don't have anything bad to say, because he doesn't talk about her because he feels that's the best way to stave off problems. Because when he does tell me something - like she told him that he loves her more than she cares about him - he says I point out that it's not good and remind him of it later, and then he wishes he hadn't repeated it.
So where am I at with this? I need to stop writing now. Anyway, I am really thinking about how this part of my polycule is structured and how it is not really meeting my needs. I was ok with it earlier because I always figured it would work out, but the way things are going - I don't think it will. So this is kind of a big red flag that is now hitting me in the face. In the beginning of our relationship, WarMan told me that Monkey had never liked any of his girlfriends. I always figured that it was because his girlfriends were crappy. But now I am seeing that maybe it is WarMan's relationship with Monkey that is the problem.
This is not a happy thought. Right now my only request is that he not share Monkey's emotions with me. However, I am now really focused on how well this has been working and how likely it will continue in the future. Is Monkey trying to sabatoge my relationship with WarMan? I know he would tell me that is not the case, but I am not feeling good about it.
And, holy shit, the other thing we were fighting about on Friday - it actually has a lot to do with Monkey, I think. I didn't see a connection before, but writing all this out has brought a new insight...
So...my emotions are still pretty raw and I have been struggling with how to write down everything that happened this weekend. I am sure there must be a way to tell things with some coherence, but apparently things are still rather raw with me. So I apologize. This will prolly be broken up in a few entries because processing everything is taking a LOT of my head space and I get overloaded.
WarMan and I had fights all day on Friday, so bad that I canceled our scheduled trip to DC on Saturday. We had planned to go to the Air and Space Museum, and then drop off my daughter with DarkKnight - he's at AwesomeCon this weekend. Instead, I sent my daughter by herself with a friend of mine who was also going to the Con, so she got a bonus day there. I guess it worked out, because even though we were in an ok space by Saturday morning, WarMan's back was fucked up so bad that he would not have been up to walking around anyplace. So instead, he and I went to Denny's for breakfast (it was terrible) and then to Sam's Club to get some groceries. The rest of the day was laid back as well, just watching episodes of a show called The Expanse and then mocking a documentary about Noah's Ark.
So yeah, more fighting. The first instance was in the morning. I sent him a text asking him if it'd be ok to schedule our family board game night next Friday instead of Thursday. He wrote me back that it was fine but in the future, he'd have to give some Fridays to Monkey because she was feeling unhappy about not having any Fridays. I texted back that was ok with me, but that he didn't need to share any info about Monkey's emotional state - to me that was over sharing. This set off a back and forth that I hope ended up with a productive resolution, even though I had to keep repeating it - I don't want to be told that she's upset, unhappy, angry, anything. That's for WarMan to handle, not me. A simple, I am spending next Friday with Monkey, would have sufficed. Or even, just put that time in on the calendar, we don't even have to have a discussion!
Honestly, I had to really shut things down with WarMan about Monkey. I am seriously not used to dealing with a metamour I am supposed to be completely ignoring because she can't handle I exist, but I know lots of people do it, supposedly. It is just so foreign to me. I honestly care about people, and when I am told someone is having an issue, I want to try and help with it. So to hear that she's sad or whatever - just no. I am not going to take her feelings into consideration when making plans in my schedule. That's WarMan's job, not mine. I told him that he had decided to create this barrier and wall between me and Monkey, and I was dealing with it the best I could. I don't mind him talking about stuff they did, or what they are talking about, but when he starts telling me about an issue or a problem - I can't be that person.
He was really agitated and thinks that this is an unfair stance for me to have - that I can't have it both ways - but I told him that is where I am at and I don't feel like that is going to change at this point. He says I am operating a don't ask don't tell relationship with that sort of restriction, but I reject that. I honestly just don't want to hear about her emotions at all. I don't care if he shares anything else, as long as it is isn't excessive amounts.
It's like, he has selectively forgotten the things she has done - how when we attended an event together, she called him the next morning and said that everyone was disgusted at how we were showing so much PDA - that all his friends were talking about it. And then he called his friends and they had no idea what he meant. Because, you know, there had been no PDA! And rather than help and encourage her to work on her jealousy issue, he just decided to cut off contact between me and her by not having us attend the same events. Which helps her not at all. And then it just got worse when he took me to meet his parents and children - and she threw a fit and threatened to cut him out of her life entirely - sending him spiraling into a terrible depression.
So no, if she hasn't worked on her issues and she still tries to badmouth me, then why would I really want to hear how she is upset or sad? To me that isn't even a real emotion - just a calculation to get him to feel better about her jealousy.
I honestly had all sorts of compassion for her previously, but now I just feel...nothing. In my mind, she doesn't even matter. I just in my head file it as if it's just another activity that my boyfriend does when we are not together - like when DarkKnight goes to brew beer. Ok, so with DarkKnight, I might ask if he had a good day but I really don't need to hear that his cousin is butt hurt because he can't go there more times a month. Just set it up in the calendar and tell me that you're brewing more lately. If I want to get into the reasoning - I will ask.
Apparently to WarMan though, me making a statement that I didn't need to hear that Monkey was sad means that I can't do poly right. I told him - there is no universe where I am ok with how things are set up, but this is his friendship with Monkey, not mine, and I do not want to have to hear about her emotions. What is crazy is that I just sent a simple text saying that it was too much info and then he wanted to get into it with me. So I went from pointing out that I needed him to be a less sloppy hinge just as a matter of fact thing that I needed to address, to being agitated and feeling unheard and misunderstood on the issue.
One of the things I talked about with my therapist last week was the positives I get from dating WarMan. Can I count them up - do they outweigh the stresses? Yes, I believe they do. However, this stress about Monkey's emotions was not even a thing I was thinking about at my session, but I can see just by WarMan's reaction to my balking at hearing about how she was feeling - this still has the potential to break us up. I have been thinking very seriously about whether or not this is an issue I want to deal with long term, when the other person isn't owning their shit. It's been almost a year, and it seems like Monkey has made zero progress on this. If WarMan is still saying that she continues to make disparaging comments, etc, am I doing myself a disservice my refusing to say anything bad about her to him? I don't have anything bad to say, because he doesn't talk about her because he feels that's the best way to stave off problems. Because when he does tell me something - like she told him that he loves her more than she cares about him - he says I point out that it's not good and remind him of it later, and then he wishes he hadn't repeated it.
So where am I at with this? I need to stop writing now. Anyway, I am really thinking about how this part of my polycule is structured and how it is not really meeting my needs. I was ok with it earlier because I always figured it would work out, but the way things are going - I don't think it will. So this is kind of a big red flag that is now hitting me in the face. In the beginning of our relationship, WarMan told me that Monkey had never liked any of his girlfriends. I always figured that it was because his girlfriends were crappy. But now I am seeing that maybe it is WarMan's relationship with Monkey that is the problem.
This is not a happy thought. Right now my only request is that he not share Monkey's emotions with me. However, I am now really focused on how well this has been working and how likely it will continue in the future. Is Monkey trying to sabatoge my relationship with WarMan? I know he would tell me that is not the case, but I am not feeling good about it.
And, holy shit, the other thing we were fighting about on Friday - it actually has a lot to do with Monkey, I think. I didn't see a connection before, but writing all this out has brought a new insight...
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IndieSolo
Active member
From where I sit, YES. Emphatically yes. I think there has been sabotage on her part, and other acting out and manipulations, in many ways.
I think she will sabotage any relationship he would be in; it isn't personally about you. She manipulates him and does whatever she can to throw a wrench in the works of his relationship with you most likely because she's upset that she can't have him, or can't control him, or can't (for whatever reason) handle the changes he's made in his life in order to be with you. I mean, how many PLATONIC friends demand a certain number of days a week to see a PLATONIC friend, and then sulk and throw a fit when they don't get it??? Unheard of. She is unreasonable. And she's probably basically unhappy in her own relationship.
Plus, she encourages this feeling in him that he still owes her for helping him out when he was down and out. I mean, at some point, the debt is paid in full, but he still feels obligated to her and she likes that. A true friend wouldn't expect his devotion in return; you help and give to someone because you care. It could be that she does/says all these things unconsciously, but maybe not all the time. Somehow she worked a number on him, and it seems he is terrified of doing something wrong in her eyes.
Anytime I read that you and WarMan were fighting, in my mind I immediately blame Monkey! I believe that she passive-aggressively (and maybe not so passively) makes comments to him that are intended to poison how he sees his relationship with you.
I know it all sounds harsh, but I am saying all this without knowing her or basing it on any dislike of her; I am saying it based on what I have gleaned from his posts in his blog as well as yours, and a lot of stuff I learned from all the many many workshops I've taken over the years on relationships, being present, and communication. Not that that makes me any kind of relationship expert, but I spent at least two decades looking at this sort of shit, with about seven years in a group whose focus was concentrated on developing awareness about the kinds of dynamics people create and let themselves get caught up in. We were devoted to looking at how people let their internal issues take over how they operate and communicate in the world. The only reason I mention it is because if there was ever someone who pulled the kind of shit that Monkey has done (like calling him to make up stuff about too much PDAs and texting him while he was with you to complain about his not coming for Thanksgiving), they would be called out on it immediately. It's amazing how that kind of communicating will fuck a lot of things up.
Her actions are so blatant, she's like a clear-cut example of sabotage, and it's kinda crazy that WarMan doesn't see it. This doesn't mean she's a bad person! It just means she's probably very unaware, unhappy, fearful of change, fearful of letting go, not fully realized in her life, or whatever - but she is a danger to your relationship with WarMan as long as he keeps refusing to open his eyes or confront her. I wonder if he's so sure that he's a failure at relationships that he thinks any effort he would make to protect his relationship with you will be useless anyway? Like maybe he sees himself as such a loser that, underneath it all, he just gives up - which ultimately means he is sabotaging your relationship, too - out of fear of success, perhaps.
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IndieSolo
Active member
I don't think he needs to cut her out of his life completely. I just think he needs to create better boundaries and defend them.
Dagferi
Well-known member
I don't think he has the guts to do so.
Some people to not have what it takes to be a good hinge. They just do not have what it takes to keep things separate. Sometimes you just have to put the hammer down on a partner and put them back in their place in your life.
For example I came back from Vegas with a matching tattoo with Murf. Butch hit the roof. I had to bluntly say my body, my relationship, my life, back the hell off.
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Bluebird
Well-known member
This.
We had a discussion tonight when he got back from Monkey's. I told him I had updated my journal and would be writing more - more than likely he wouldn't be very happy. He told me he probably wouldn't read it because he doesn't think it'd be a good idea. *shrugs* I have never edited myself and I am not going to start now. None of this information here is a surprise.
We talked more about the Monkey situation and I told him how I really needed to think things over about this. I really don't know if I can deal with this long term. He told me he thinks that even if he went back in time, there's nothing he could have done differently to change the outcome of where we are at - the lack of a relationship between Monkey and me. I could think of several, but as it was a moot point, really., I just let it go. I told him that I didn't think she had made any improvement in the past year and he said that actually she had - she's way better. Since I don't see any of that trickling down...I asked him when exactly these improvements were made. He said after she had the freak out at the shared event and was concerned about the PDA. When Icalled them lies, he tried to temper that and say that maybe his friends weren't telling the truth - maybe they had been concerned about the PDA and just didn't want to say anything. Except, you know - there was no PDA! That was exasperating.
Then I asked that if she had made so much progress, why did we have that issue about her flipping out about him taking me to New Mexico? He said that was more about how he didn't tell her about it beforehand, and not about the fact that I went. When I pressed to ask how any of that was an improvement, he told me he didn't have a Monkey-o-meter to say when the positive changes were made, only that they have been.
Personally though, I have seen zero of these changes, but since I don't see her, maybe things are awesomesauce. I don't believe it - and I am left with thinking about what if nothing changes from here - can I live with this separation and huge deviation from my preferred kitchen table poly? That remains to be seen. I was always operating under the impression that people aren't dicks to each other, and that even people I dislike can still behave civilly. In this situation, I don't see it.
Then the question - Can I have a primary relationship with WarMan, knowing that if there is an activity held by mutual friends, that he will always choose to have Monkey go? Can I accept that? Because I can see that happening. Is that a reason to end the relationship? Does it matter that much? One one hand, meh, I have enough activities in my life that it doesn't matter, but on the other hand, I really do feel like I am playing this childish tit for tat game and by letting it just be, I am allowing myself to be a doormat. I ain't no doormat.
After the discussion, it was really clear that he is willing to accept almost any behavior or restriction from her. I don't want to say ANY behavior, but I don't know that there is a limit.
He says that his relationship with Monkey is the longest lasting relationship he has ever had, and that he cherishes it. I get it, I do. But he is unwilling or unable to see that it is unhealthy, she's toxic and longevity is not the only basis for deciding that something is great.
Since I had the last major talk with WarMan about Monkey (not this one, but previously), he did a lot of work with his boundaries and was actually doing well with not over sharing. My request had been to not spend our entire dates talking about Monkey's issues, but that has somehow morphed into me requesting to NEVER hear about Monkey. I had to reiterate several times during our argument Friday, that I had never said that, and he had made his boundary with that because SHE couldn't deal with hearing about me - not the other way around. And in fact, he had stopped talking to her about his own life, because she was in such a bad place that he was trying to spare her positive and happy talk.
When I sent WarMan the statement that I didn't want to hear about Monkey being sad about the schedule, and that it was over sharing, he told me what I wanted was a don't ask, don't tell, but that is definitely not acceptable to me! To me, that would be him saying that he was going to a movie and then instead spending his Tim with Monkey.
Honestly, if he were a good hinge, I would not ever be worried about what she was thinking or saying about me, because I would trust him to be making his choices about me with my best interest in mind.
More in the next post...
Bluebird
Well-known member
Part 2.
To be really clear though - the issue with Monkey - on Friday - was a blip. WarMan seemed to accept eventually my demarcation of not wanting to hear about her emotional state about anything. We had another issue later in the day.
Ugh - I seriously don't know how to make this short!
After our Friday morning of not fun, I made a trip to the post office. I made up these big boxes to send to both my oldest daughter and WarMan's daughter. They are filled with about $35 each worth of miscellaneous stuff, all colored orange. Uh, cheesy popcorn, gel pens, squirt guns, nail polish, Fanta soda, Reece's peanut butter cups, etc. When you open the box is a paper that says Orange you glad it's almost summer?! Silly but fun and both girls will receive this as a total surprise. I saw it on Pinterest and thought it would be cool to send to my daughter and since WarMan was feeling especially bummed earlier this week about missing his kids, I suggested I make one for his daughter too. He thought that sounded good, so anyway, after filling the rest of the box with orange tissue paper, I took them to the post office. There I had the worst ever service.
For the sake of brevity - basically, I had 4 packages to mail out, and right in the middle of the transaction, the clerk cashed me out and said he was closed, and left me to go back in line for 15 minutes. It was unbelievable. He knew I had four packages but he told me his shift was over. I left a really shitty survey review, as when I asked to speak to someone in charge, I was told that the manager was on the phone. Whatever. Anyway, it sucked.
So yeah. When I returned home, WarMan had his super important phone meeting with the big boss, and we were both super stressed about it because he was pretty much sure he'd be losing his job. Whether he keeps his job or not will define where we move and buy a house - his current job has him tethered within 2 hours of Harrisburg. My guys and I have had many discussions about this, and we were all on edge to see what would be going down.
And, after the meeting, I heard nothing. Crickets. A couple of hours later, WarMan popped his head into the room I was at and said things went okay, but that he was busy and he would talk to me after he got out of work. I was freaking out a bit inside over this, because his "okay" doesn't mean much. He'll tell me all the time that things are fine but then it turns out that isn't the case.
So I waited until an hour after he got out of work to text him about what happened. I was kind of upset he didn't contact me right away, either to say what was going on, or to tell me that he needed more time to process shit, whatever. But nothing.
So when I asked him what happened, he just said he was going to play videogames! I was like, are you fucking kidding me?! in my head and called him out on it. He then gave me some info and I told him flat out that I was not happy he was telling me everything over text. I mean, really? I told him that I was going to take a walk because if I didn't, I was going to freak out. He told me that I needed to realize that me going to do that wouldn't make him feel bad, and that I needed to cut him some slack because he hadn't had any time at all by himself. I told him to enjoy it, and I actually ended up getting some yard work done, so that at least was a positive.
When I came back inside, he apologized - again over text - and asked if there was something he could do. I told him he could start treating me like his partner. He didn't respond and I spent the rest of the evening by myself until around 8 pm or so, at which point he asked if I wanted to spend time together. I agreed, thinking we'd be talking about his job and the move, but instead he wanted to watch a show. When I realized that, I just shut down inside and sat with him until it was time to go to bed.
I was seriously upset. I did not feel like he was taking my family seriously - all of us are willing to help him out if he gets fired, and are restructuring our lives to fit into his location requirements. But, he couldn't spend 5 minutes updating about stuff that was going on. I felt it was extremely disrespectful at worst and unkind at best.
So all of these unhappy and anxious feelings were marinating. I felt really devalued and stressed out and I couldn't continue to pretend I was calm abou it. At bedtime I told him I was canceling our DC trip, because there was really no way I could spend an entire day pretending that things were ok - I couldn't hardly hold it together during the shows we were watching on the couch.
I messaged two of my friends to make arrangements for my daughter in the morning, since she had to get to AwesomeCon (we had prepaid Sunday for her). WarMan was telling me the whole time that I was overreacting. I told him that I didn't think so and then I turned over and he was texting with Monkey! I was completely flabbergasted - in the middle of me telling him that he wasn't giving me any consideration, he was texting with her! I immediately then left to go chill out for a bit in PunkRock's room, because if I didn't, things would have been said that I couldn't have taken back.(PunkRock was at work.)
We have this arrangement that we should disengage and not talk if one of us is really upset, but he texted me, asking me to come back several times. I told him I didn't feel emotionally safe at the moment so I would actually prefer text. Then I spelled it out - there were exactly 3 things I needed: communication, consideration and inclusion. None of which I had received, at a super stressful time today.
I told him that I got that maybe he needed time to decompress after the meeting. But at no time did he tell me that until we were already fighting. And I have my life wrapped around him right now - to just be ignored was a horrible feeling.
He asked me again to come back to the room and talk, so I gave in and went upstairs.
We talked a lot.
The one big thing I took away from our talk was that he said he really has no clue how to act in a family or in a relationship. He said he hadn't had to really take anyone else into consideration with decisions for a decade, so having to give me details and communicate when he was still thinking things over was not only sort of foreign to him, but anxiety forming as well.
To me, this is really disconcerting, and obviously, this has caused grief between us. So all night Friday and on Saturday, I was really thinking about this. Is he really so detached from how families operate, that he couldn't see how important his job status information was to all of us?
Then, when I wrote the Monkey fight update here - it triggered a thought: WarMan is always super adamant on calling Monkey his family, and how she's his real family, not his parents or siblings. So if that is the case - should I even be surprised that he doesn't get how families really work? She's an only child, her relationship with her own parents is filled with unending drama, she's frustrated and unhappy in her own marriage and her son is still living at home, having never had a job or a girlfriend at age 25, with the only excuse being that he has ADD and it would be too difficult to ask him to function as an adult. She doesn't even know how to family!
Fuck.
I talked to him about this last night. He said that he does understand how important it was to me, but really it was just a timing thing. I told him then, he should have articulated that. Like say, hey, give me X hours to think about the meeting and then I will talk to you about it. Instead he gave me flippant responses and made me watch a show and instead of being cool, it made me agitated to the nth degree. So I think we are ok over the incident itself now.
To be continued yet again.
To be really clear though - the issue with Monkey - on Friday - was a blip. WarMan seemed to accept eventually my demarcation of not wanting to hear about her emotional state about anything. We had another issue later in the day.
Ugh - I seriously don't know how to make this short!
After our Friday morning of not fun, I made a trip to the post office. I made up these big boxes to send to both my oldest daughter and WarMan's daughter. They are filled with about $35 each worth of miscellaneous stuff, all colored orange. Uh, cheesy popcorn, gel pens, squirt guns, nail polish, Fanta soda, Reece's peanut butter cups, etc. When you open the box is a paper that says Orange you glad it's almost summer?! Silly but fun and both girls will receive this as a total surprise. I saw it on Pinterest and thought it would be cool to send to my daughter and since WarMan was feeling especially bummed earlier this week about missing his kids, I suggested I make one for his daughter too. He thought that sounded good, so anyway, after filling the rest of the box with orange tissue paper, I took them to the post office. There I had the worst ever service.
For the sake of brevity - basically, I had 4 packages to mail out, and right in the middle of the transaction, the clerk cashed me out and said he was closed, and left me to go back in line for 15 minutes. It was unbelievable. He knew I had four packages but he told me his shift was over. I left a really shitty survey review, as when I asked to speak to someone in charge, I was told that the manager was on the phone. Whatever. Anyway, it sucked.
So yeah. When I returned home, WarMan had his super important phone meeting with the big boss, and we were both super stressed about it because he was pretty much sure he'd be losing his job. Whether he keeps his job or not will define where we move and buy a house - his current job has him tethered within 2 hours of Harrisburg. My guys and I have had many discussions about this, and we were all on edge to see what would be going down.
And, after the meeting, I heard nothing. Crickets. A couple of hours later, WarMan popped his head into the room I was at and said things went okay, but that he was busy and he would talk to me after he got out of work. I was freaking out a bit inside over this, because his "okay" doesn't mean much. He'll tell me all the time that things are fine but then it turns out that isn't the case.
So I waited until an hour after he got out of work to text him about what happened. I was kind of upset he didn't contact me right away, either to say what was going on, or to tell me that he needed more time to process shit, whatever. But nothing.
So when I asked him what happened, he just said he was going to play videogames! I was like, are you fucking kidding me?! in my head and called him out on it. He then gave me some info and I told him flat out that I was not happy he was telling me everything over text. I mean, really? I told him that I was going to take a walk because if I didn't, I was going to freak out. He told me that I needed to realize that me going to do that wouldn't make him feel bad, and that I needed to cut him some slack because he hadn't had any time at all by himself. I told him to enjoy it, and I actually ended up getting some yard work done, so that at least was a positive.
When I came back inside, he apologized - again over text - and asked if there was something he could do. I told him he could start treating me like his partner. He didn't respond and I spent the rest of the evening by myself until around 8 pm or so, at which point he asked if I wanted to spend time together. I agreed, thinking we'd be talking about his job and the move, but instead he wanted to watch a show. When I realized that, I just shut down inside and sat with him until it was time to go to bed.
I was seriously upset. I did not feel like he was taking my family seriously - all of us are willing to help him out if he gets fired, and are restructuring our lives to fit into his location requirements. But, he couldn't spend 5 minutes updating about stuff that was going on. I felt it was extremely disrespectful at worst and unkind at best.
So all of these unhappy and anxious feelings were marinating. I felt really devalued and stressed out and I couldn't continue to pretend I was calm abou it. At bedtime I told him I was canceling our DC trip, because there was really no way I could spend an entire day pretending that things were ok - I couldn't hardly hold it together during the shows we were watching on the couch.
I messaged two of my friends to make arrangements for my daughter in the morning, since she had to get to AwesomeCon (we had prepaid Sunday for her). WarMan was telling me the whole time that I was overreacting. I told him that I didn't think so and then I turned over and he was texting with Monkey! I was completely flabbergasted - in the middle of me telling him that he wasn't giving me any consideration, he was texting with her! I immediately then left to go chill out for a bit in PunkRock's room, because if I didn't, things would have been said that I couldn't have taken back.(PunkRock was at work.)
We have this arrangement that we should disengage and not talk if one of us is really upset, but he texted me, asking me to come back several times. I told him I didn't feel emotionally safe at the moment so I would actually prefer text. Then I spelled it out - there were exactly 3 things I needed: communication, consideration and inclusion. None of which I had received, at a super stressful time today.
I told him that I got that maybe he needed time to decompress after the meeting. But at no time did he tell me that until we were already fighting. And I have my life wrapped around him right now - to just be ignored was a horrible feeling.
He asked me again to come back to the room and talk, so I gave in and went upstairs.
We talked a lot.
The one big thing I took away from our talk was that he said he really has no clue how to act in a family or in a relationship. He said he hadn't had to really take anyone else into consideration with decisions for a decade, so having to give me details and communicate when he was still thinking things over was not only sort of foreign to him, but anxiety forming as well.
To me, this is really disconcerting, and obviously, this has caused grief between us. So all night Friday and on Saturday, I was really thinking about this. Is he really so detached from how families operate, that he couldn't see how important his job status information was to all of us?
Then, when I wrote the Monkey fight update here - it triggered a thought: WarMan is always super adamant on calling Monkey his family, and how she's his real family, not his parents or siblings. So if that is the case - should I even be surprised that he doesn't get how families really work? She's an only child, her relationship with her own parents is filled with unending drama, she's frustrated and unhappy in her own marriage and her son is still living at home, having never had a job or a girlfriend at age 25, with the only excuse being that he has ADD and it would be too difficult to ask him to function as an adult. She doesn't even know how to family!
Fuck.
I talked to him about this last night. He said that he does understand how important it was to me, but really it was just a timing thing. I told him then, he should have articulated that. Like say, hey, give me X hours to think about the meeting and then I will talk to you about it. Instead he gave me flippant responses and made me watch a show and instead of being cool, it made me agitated to the nth degree. So I think we are ok over the incident itself now.
To be continued yet again.
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Bluebird
Well-known member
Part 3?
However, it has shown a light on this huge crack in our relationship. How does WarMan really define family? How does he define primary? How do I label these things? Are we compatible with that?
I believe he has asked for things and I have provided them, and maybe now he is realizing he asked for the wrong thing. Or maybe he doesn't know how to deal with the emotions or responsibilities surrounding what he has received. He told me maybe he's just incapable of behaving like a normal man in relationships - and that is why he decided to give poly a try and moving in with me as an experiment is showing that he's incapable of functioning in a real family.
So I am supposed to be thinking about this. What exactly do I want? How do I define this so he can respond with whether or not he can fit into my structure? What is my structure? He said I define primary as someone who lives with me. I said well yeah, but someone who doesn't live with me can be a primary as well. I have been in relationships where there was close to zero chance that we would ever cohabitate, and that wasn't a deal breaker.
The more I think about it, I believe WarMan would be more comfortable in solo poly type of arrangement. Not just because it fits his sensibilities, but also because Monkey won't allow him to branch out in any other fashion. I do now believe that his other relationships were heavily influenced and ended because of Monkey. Sure, there were other things that made them end, but her involvement in WarMan's life has kept him single. And I do believe that if we split, it would be the same.
But that's beside the point - if I remove Monkey entirely from the situation, we still might be looking at a fundamental mismatch. Which I don't think is anyone's fault. WarMan has said - and I agree - that I have had several years now to decide what kind of poly I want. He has had the time we've been together. So what he thought he so greatly desired at the beginning of our relationship - the time and consideration on equal with DarkKnight and PunkRock - isn't what he thought. I think he wanted a primacy but not a fully entwined one. Now that he has had time to be with me in a more enmeshed way, he is seeing that he asked for the wrong thing.
That said, he pointed out last night that the things that we are having disagreements about aren't traditional relationship problems. We aren't fighting about money or our shared bank account. We aren't fighting about shared workload around the house (though he does nag me to pick up my pajamas every morning lol). We have our own schedules - he does have time to do things that he wants to do.
So the enmeshed part of things isn't really an issue. So what is? Why am I now thinking that solo poly is what he needs?
I can only come back to Monkey.
And that is really a big fucking bummer.
However, it has shown a light on this huge crack in our relationship. How does WarMan really define family? How does he define primary? How do I label these things? Are we compatible with that?
I believe he has asked for things and I have provided them, and maybe now he is realizing he asked for the wrong thing. Or maybe he doesn't know how to deal with the emotions or responsibilities surrounding what he has received. He told me maybe he's just incapable of behaving like a normal man in relationships - and that is why he decided to give poly a try and moving in with me as an experiment is showing that he's incapable of functioning in a real family.
So I am supposed to be thinking about this. What exactly do I want? How do I define this so he can respond with whether or not he can fit into my structure? What is my structure? He said I define primary as someone who lives with me. I said well yeah, but someone who doesn't live with me can be a primary as well. I have been in relationships where there was close to zero chance that we would ever cohabitate, and that wasn't a deal breaker.
The more I think about it, I believe WarMan would be more comfortable in solo poly type of arrangement. Not just because it fits his sensibilities, but also because Monkey won't allow him to branch out in any other fashion. I do now believe that his other relationships were heavily influenced and ended because of Monkey. Sure, there were other things that made them end, but her involvement in WarMan's life has kept him single. And I do believe that if we split, it would be the same.
But that's beside the point - if I remove Monkey entirely from the situation, we still might be looking at a fundamental mismatch. Which I don't think is anyone's fault. WarMan has said - and I agree - that I have had several years now to decide what kind of poly I want. He has had the time we've been together. So what he thought he so greatly desired at the beginning of our relationship - the time and consideration on equal with DarkKnight and PunkRock - isn't what he thought. I think he wanted a primacy but not a fully entwined one. Now that he has had time to be with me in a more enmeshed way, he is seeing that he asked for the wrong thing.
That said, he pointed out last night that the things that we are having disagreements about aren't traditional relationship problems. We aren't fighting about money or our shared bank account. We aren't fighting about shared workload around the house (though he does nag me to pick up my pajamas every morning lol). We have our own schedules - he does have time to do things that he wants to do.
So the enmeshed part of things isn't really an issue. So what is? Why am I now thinking that solo poly is what he needs?
I can only come back to Monkey.
And that is really a big fucking bummer.
PinkPig
Well-known member
I'm sorry, Bluebird. That sounds like a very stressful weekend! One thing that pops in my mind, is maybe WarMan is so use to the chaos that he unintentionally creates it? That's common for adults who grew up in chaotic homes as children (homes with addiction, serious mental illness, etc.) They don't know how to exist in a serene environment, so they unintentionally create drama to perpetuate the cycle they learned as children. If Monkey's home is so chaotic and that's been his family for so long, maybe he's repeating those patterns?
ETA: Ultimately, I guess it doesn't matter what the reason is, your choices are the same. If WarMan is unwilling to enforce healthy boundaries with Monkey and work on healthier communication patterns, your choice is to continue with the chaos or do what you need to do to reinstate peace in your own life. I'm very, sorry Bluebird
ETA: Ultimately, I guess it doesn't matter what the reason is, your choices are the same. If WarMan is unwilling to enforce healthy boundaries with Monkey and work on healthier communication patterns, your choice is to continue with the chaos or do what you need to do to reinstate peace in your own life. I'm very, sorry Bluebird
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Bluebird
Well-known member
Yeah, that's my own conclusion as well.
I did enforce and will continue to enforce, that boundary. WarMan told me this morning that he would like to set up one day a week to talk about issues, so we aren't all the time talking about them. That way he has time to think about things and we have time that isn't continually negative and filled with agitation. I think it's a good idea. I am already pulling back a bit when it comes to trust, and having to spend all day discussing things is not a way to foster fun and love in a relationship. We can't currently agree on a day though - he wanted to use Sunday, but as that's our only full day together, I don't want it marred with negativity. But he doesn't want a weekday, when he is full of other stress. Sigh. We agreed we'd come up with something.
I did mention to him this morning about him preferring a solo poly model but he didn't seem to want to bite on that hook, so I dunno.
Right now I am wanting this to all settle a bit and see what shakes out. He seemed upbeat and happy this morning, which invigorated me and makes me feel less despondent, like in a major way. We have a sleepover tonight, but not a date night. Though, we all watch Game Of Thrones Monday nights, so we will have snuggle time on the couch with me between him and DarkKnight for an hour anyway.
I did enforce and will continue to enforce, that boundary. WarMan told me this morning that he would like to set up one day a week to talk about issues, so we aren't all the time talking about them. That way he has time to think about things and we have time that isn't continually negative and filled with agitation. I think it's a good idea. I am already pulling back a bit when it comes to trust, and having to spend all day discussing things is not a way to foster fun and love in a relationship. We can't currently agree on a day though - he wanted to use Sunday, but as that's our only full day together, I don't want it marred with negativity. But he doesn't want a weekday, when he is full of other stress. Sigh. We agreed we'd come up with something.
I did mention to him this morning about him preferring a solo poly model but he didn't seem to want to bite on that hook, so I dunno.
Right now I am wanting this to all settle a bit and see what shakes out. He seemed upbeat and happy this morning, which invigorated me and makes me feel less despondent, like in a major way. We have a sleepover tonight, but not a date night. Though, we all watch Game Of Thrones Monday nights, so we will have snuggle time on the couch with me between him and DarkKnight for an hour anyway.
Bluebird
Well-known member
For no real reason at all, I decided to keep track of my entire day. If you're bored, here's my Monday.
5:30 am Wake up next to DarkKnight, by way of The Rock alarm clock app - Good morning sunshine! Yeah, that's what The Rock just said. Open up your eyes, and get your candy ass outta bed! Stumble down the hall to WarMan's room and listen to him snore for two hours.
6:00 am Write angsty stuff in my journal
7:00 am Also Facebook
7:30 am WarMan's alarm goes off
7:35 am Totally pretend not to be on Facebook
7:36 am Admit to being on Facebook when asked directly
8:00 am texting with everyone about upcoming yard sale and weekly scheduling
8:30 am Go and snuggle with PunkRock in his room
9:10 am Watch Guy's Grocery Games Halloween Episode while sipping some Tardis Tea made for me by DarkKnight while he's on break from work
9:40 am 2nd cup of tea because I forgot to take my acid reflux med earlier
9:50 am Read with my daughter, Hamlet act 3, last two scenes
10:45 am take apart the living room air purifier to see if the filter needs changed because WarMan thinks the indicator lights might be screwy. Nope,the lights are fine.
10:50 am tell WarMan everything is fine. Talk about other air purifiers in the house. Then read an article about John Oliver buying medical debt and forgiving it while sitting in WarMan's office.
10:53 am poops
11:04 am DarkKnight says hello, we talk about scheduling time for him to spend with my son this week
11:05 am shower time
11:18 am foot scrub with my PedEgg. Feet are gross.
11:21 am Put on clothing
11:30 am Putting on makeup when my son arrives - I take him to get a new cell phone
12:21 pm Come back home and clean out the fridge
12:36 pm help my son with transferring phone contacts
12:53 pm wipe down the outside of the big freezer in the garage, inventory contents and write that list on top of the lid with dry erase marker
1:16 pm rest and remember I need to eat lunch
1:19 pm pay bills, including a dermatologist copay for $164 and DarkKnight's yearly life insurance for $92.
1:51 pm bank
2:15 pm Lunch! Pull into Subway parking lot
2:24 pm Drive home to get debit card
2:28 pm Subway again: 6 inch turkey combo
2:56 pm arrive home in time to say goodbye to PunkRock - he's working the 3:30 til midnight shift
3:08 pm potty break. Got my period. Lovely.
3:12 pm Fallout 3
3:32 pm Made it to Oasis, but then the game froze. Lovely.
3:44 pm The game won't kick back on. I said fuck it. Visited with WarMan and got a kiss when delivering mail.
3:50 pm Potty
4:00 pm Gravewalking with DarkKnight. We found 10 of 14 grave photo requests in a cemetery in Clear Spring. Go us!
5:01 pm I notice a hideous rash over both legs
5:02 pm I swear a lot.
5:24 pm I arrive at home and show rash to WarMan: he declines licking it.
5:26 pm Poops. I text PunkRock about the rash. He offers to lick it.
5:35 pm I wash my legs with soap and hot water.
5:45 pm dinner - hot dogs, dill pickles and chips
6:07 pm Netflix Season 1 episode 9 Guy's Grocery Games. Why do I keep watching this shit?
7:00 pm Watch a second episode, while WarMan and DarkKnighy go to get strawberry shortcake donuts from Krumpes
7:40 pm Yum!
7:53 pm Game of Thrones new episode
8:45 pm I took my shirt off.
8:48 pm I put my shirt back on.
8:49 pm I say goodnight to DarkKnight
8:52 pm Yay! Comfy pajama time & talk to WarMan
9:15 pm WarMan and I look at books and DVDs in the living room and talk about our favorites. I tell him about a book called Freedom's Landing and apparently there was a video game based on the material years ago! He shows me a YouTube video.
9:30 pm We watch Lady in the Water. (Me and WarMan)
11:20 pm I text PunkRock good night.
11:30 pm I am in bed, copying over this list and changing everyone to nicknames.
5:30 am Wake up next to DarkKnight, by way of The Rock alarm clock app - Good morning sunshine! Yeah, that's what The Rock just said. Open up your eyes, and get your candy ass outta bed! Stumble down the hall to WarMan's room and listen to him snore for two hours.
6:00 am Write angsty stuff in my journal
7:00 am Also Facebook
7:30 am WarMan's alarm goes off
7:35 am Totally pretend not to be on Facebook
7:36 am Admit to being on Facebook when asked directly
8:00 am texting with everyone about upcoming yard sale and weekly scheduling
8:30 am Go and snuggle with PunkRock in his room
9:10 am Watch Guy's Grocery Games Halloween Episode while sipping some Tardis Tea made for me by DarkKnight while he's on break from work
9:40 am 2nd cup of tea because I forgot to take my acid reflux med earlier
9:50 am Read with my daughter, Hamlet act 3, last two scenes
10:45 am take apart the living room air purifier to see if the filter needs changed because WarMan thinks the indicator lights might be screwy. Nope,the lights are fine.
10:50 am tell WarMan everything is fine. Talk about other air purifiers in the house. Then read an article about John Oliver buying medical debt and forgiving it while sitting in WarMan's office.
10:53 am poops
11:04 am DarkKnight says hello, we talk about scheduling time for him to spend with my son this week
11:05 am shower time
11:18 am foot scrub with my PedEgg. Feet are gross.
11:21 am Put on clothing
11:30 am Putting on makeup when my son arrives - I take him to get a new cell phone
12:21 pm Come back home and clean out the fridge
12:36 pm help my son with transferring phone contacts
12:53 pm wipe down the outside of the big freezer in the garage, inventory contents and write that list on top of the lid with dry erase marker
1:16 pm rest and remember I need to eat lunch
1:19 pm pay bills, including a dermatologist copay for $164 and DarkKnight's yearly life insurance for $92.
1:51 pm bank
2:15 pm Lunch! Pull into Subway parking lot
2:24 pm Drive home to get debit card
2:28 pm Subway again: 6 inch turkey combo
2:56 pm arrive home in time to say goodbye to PunkRock - he's working the 3:30 til midnight shift
3:08 pm potty break. Got my period. Lovely.
3:12 pm Fallout 3
3:32 pm Made it to Oasis, but then the game froze. Lovely.
3:44 pm The game won't kick back on. I said fuck it. Visited with WarMan and got a kiss when delivering mail.
3:50 pm Potty
4:00 pm Gravewalking with DarkKnight. We found 10 of 14 grave photo requests in a cemetery in Clear Spring. Go us!
5:01 pm I notice a hideous rash over both legs
5:02 pm I swear a lot.
5:24 pm I arrive at home and show rash to WarMan: he declines licking it.
5:26 pm Poops. I text PunkRock about the rash. He offers to lick it.
5:35 pm I wash my legs with soap and hot water.
5:45 pm dinner - hot dogs, dill pickles and chips
6:07 pm Netflix Season 1 episode 9 Guy's Grocery Games. Why do I keep watching this shit?
7:00 pm Watch a second episode, while WarMan and DarkKnighy go to get strawberry shortcake donuts from Krumpes
7:40 pm Yum!
7:53 pm Game of Thrones new episode
8:45 pm I took my shirt off.
8:48 pm I put my shirt back on.
8:49 pm I say goodnight to DarkKnight
8:52 pm Yay! Comfy pajama time & talk to WarMan
9:15 pm WarMan and I look at books and DVDs in the living room and talk about our favorites. I tell him about a book called Freedom's Landing and apparently there was a video game based on the material years ago! He shows me a YouTube video.
9:30 pm We watch Lady in the Water. (Me and WarMan)
11:20 pm I text PunkRock good night.
11:30 pm I am in bed, copying over this list and changing everyone to nicknames.
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Bluebird
Well-known member
I am seriously tired today! I am in an ok mood though. Pretty much I spent all of yesterday with PunkRock - he had the day off and we kicked butt at yard sale setup. My garage is full of junk now and today is going to be spent pricing it all. I am not looking forward to that, but it will get done!
Pretty much I spent all of yesterday with PunkRock - he had the day off and we kicked butt at yard sale setup. My garage is full of junk now and today is going to be spent pricing it all. I am not looking forward to that, but it will get done!
Bluebird
Well-known member
We made $375.05 at the yard sale yesterday, plus another $20 that I used to buy lunch. my daughter was helping most of the day, and PunkRock pretty much was by my side the entire event. I am dragging today, because I am completely exhausted! Iam awake though, because today is round two!
I am keeping my fingers crossed because WarMan didn't sell any of his computers. He is really depressed and down because he did find out that his new boss is going to be the one person he absolutely did not want. He is very certain he needs to find a new job. Keep your fingers crossed that a position materializes at a location in the tri-state area.
I am still glad this is happening now, rather than after we had purchased a house and were grounded someplace. We can now respond to a new job if it means we have to re-locate.
Last night was kind of crappy for me, but it brought me a new insight. We were supposed to have a family game night, but both PunkRock and DarkKnight begged off. WarMan said he felt like I would have been more upset if he had canceled. I told him that I agree with that - my husbands and I haven't been fighting, and I feel secure with them. I am not happy they canceled, but I trust that they don't have any other reasons for doing so, other than what was stated to me. If WarMan had canceled, it would have left me feeling not so good.
That said, I was upset. WarMan watched an episode of The Expanse with me, and then spent a couple of hours by himself. DarkKnight cracked out on the new Voltron show on Netflix, by himself. PunkRock spent his some time reading, but then responded to my text by inviting me to come be held and get hugs, which I did go and do. While I was doing that, I had a very clear sense of what is wonky in our household - which isn't exactly news, but it made me realize why these guys leave me unfulfilled sometimes.
We've all had a stressful and busy week. All 3 of my partners are introverts. They recharge by being alone. I am super extroverted. I needed togetherness time to recharge, which is in opposition to what they needed. Offering to watch a show or hugs is good, but what I needed was interactive time that stimulates my soul. If that even makes sense.
Now, before I figured this out, I was starting to feel down and depressed - "boohoo all my guys don't want to be with me because I am not what they want in their lives." But I rejected that and thought, there is a better description of what is happening here. And then I thought of it, and was less upset because there was a clear motivation. A game night would have left all 3 of them without an outlet to relieve their stress, though I would have been happy.
I still wasn't happy, but I could see that for the greater good, it was best to let them recharge.
I think therapy is helping me.
my daughter was helping most of the day, and PunkRock pretty much was by my side the entire event. I am dragging today, because I am completely exhausted! Iam awake though, because today is round two!I am keeping my fingers crossed because WarMan didn't sell any of his computers. He is really depressed and down because he did find out that his new boss is going to be the one person he absolutely did not want. He is very certain he needs to find a new job. Keep your fingers crossed that a position materializes at a location in the tri-state area.
I am still glad this is happening now, rather than after we had purchased a house and were grounded someplace. We can now respond to a new job if it means we have to re-locate.
Last night was kind of crappy for me, but it brought me a new insight. We were supposed to have a family game night, but both PunkRock and DarkKnight begged off. WarMan said he felt like I would have been more upset if he had canceled. I told him that I agree with that - my husbands and I haven't been fighting, and I feel secure with them. I am not happy they canceled, but I trust that they don't have any other reasons for doing so, other than what was stated to me. If WarMan had canceled, it would have left me feeling not so good.
That said, I was upset. WarMan watched an episode of The Expanse with me, and then spent a couple of hours by himself. DarkKnight cracked out on the new Voltron show on Netflix, by himself. PunkRock spent his some time reading, but then responded to my text by inviting me to come be held and get hugs, which I did go and do. While I was doing that, I had a very clear sense of what is wonky in our household - which isn't exactly news, but it made me realize why these guys leave me unfulfilled sometimes.
We've all had a stressful and busy week. All 3 of my partners are introverts. They recharge by being alone. I am super extroverted. I needed togetherness time to recharge, which is in opposition to what they needed. Offering to watch a show or hugs is good, but what I needed was interactive time that stimulates my soul. If that even makes sense.
Now, before I figured this out, I was starting to feel down and depressed - "boohoo all my guys don't want to be with me because I am not what they want in their lives." But I rejected that and thought, there is a better description of what is happening here. And then I thought of it, and was less upset because there was a clear motivation. A game night would have left all 3 of them without an outlet to relieve their stress, though I would have been happy.
I still wasn't happy, but I could see that for the greater good, it was best to let them recharge.
I think therapy is helping me.
Bluebird
Well-known member
Sometimes, with WarMan, it's like he has two distinct ways of communicating. Yesterday he was very evasive and completely kept me in the dark that he was planning on meeting up with BreatheMusic (from here on the boards.) He came home and told me he had done it after the fact, and didn't see why it should be a big deal. But then today, he is overly specific in his communications, to the point where it feels a bit insulting and rude. He goes between the two extremes and it is amazingly frustrating.
I really am very tired of trying to make this work. He didn't remember at all that I had told him - multiple times - that I didn't want to hear about Monkey's emotional issues. I seriously texted that to him more than once, and told him that several times, to make sure I was super clear. I told him that I did not want a don't ask, don't tell sort of relationship and in fact, if that's what he wanted, then we would have to split.
Yet, he came back last night and said, oh, I didn't want you being upset, so I didn't tell you about my plans with BreatheMusic, and figured since it happened during my morning with Monkey, it was something that I shouldn't tell you. Saying that since it involved Monkey, it fell into the category of he shouldn't tell me about it at all.
I just stared at him, and tried to calmly reiterate the ONLY thing I don't want to hear about is Monkey's emotions, and that keeping things from me is not the relationship that I want. I will not be in a relationship where I can't have openness and honesty.
I am at the point where this isn't a positive relationship anymore. It's just tiredness and stress, and now I feel like he is hiding things. I cannot be in a relationship where I don't feel safe, and right now I only feel safe 50% of the time. He's not trustworthy when it comes to my heart. He's just not.
....
I wrote that, and then we had a huge fight that lasted more than half the day. He was all over the place, and I was just left confused and tired. In the end he said it was too difficult trying to remember what he had told me and what he had told Monkey, and the schedule changing all the time was stressful, and he absolutely needed a day that was just for him, always. I pointed out that he has that - I never schedule anything with him on Tuesdays, and neither does Monkey.
We ended up with keeping everything pretty much the same except that instead of Monday night date night now, he wants a date night and sleepover on Tuesdays, and on the every other week that he is with Monkey on Thursdays, I can have the option of scheduling a sleepover that Friday if I need it. But then he wrote down that he was going to give Monkey every other Monday and every other Friday, so really he just took away his for sure one day off each week.
Honestly, it is just so much from him lately - I think he is just a) overwhelmed with stress from work b) a terrible hinge c) a commitment phobe who really doesn't know what he wants. He seriously told me that he thinks he'll never be able to be just like DarkKnight and PunkRock, and when I pointed out that I never asked him to be and that even they are completely different, and then pointed out two specific ways he wasn't like them at all, he got quiet and then upset because if he WANTED to be like them in that way, he couldn't.
For me, it's just that I don't feel valued any more. I don't feel like a primary, and the second he started scheduling things with other women and NOT sharing that info, that balancing point went from positive to negative. Even if it was just a friendly visit - why make it look like it was anything but that?
Right now I am exhausted emotionally and physically - the yard sale did a toll on me in that I got a really bad sunburn on my legs.
So yeah. Things are garbage here. WarMan says he loves me still and wants to be with me. I just don't feel it much. He said some really rough things to me today that tore me down really low. The night ended ok - I think - but it will be a really difficult road if we are to get back to where we were. I still would like that, it just really remains to be seen if it is possible.
I really am very tired of trying to make this work. He didn't remember at all that I had told him - multiple times - that I didn't want to hear about Monkey's emotional issues. I seriously texted that to him more than once, and told him that several times, to make sure I was super clear. I told him that I did not want a don't ask, don't tell sort of relationship and in fact, if that's what he wanted, then we would have to split.
Yet, he came back last night and said, oh, I didn't want you being upset, so I didn't tell you about my plans with BreatheMusic, and figured since it happened during my morning with Monkey, it was something that I shouldn't tell you. Saying that since it involved Monkey, it fell into the category of he shouldn't tell me about it at all.
I just stared at him, and tried to calmly reiterate the ONLY thing I don't want to hear about is Monkey's emotions, and that keeping things from me is not the relationship that I want. I will not be in a relationship where I can't have openness and honesty.
I am at the point where this isn't a positive relationship anymore. It's just tiredness and stress, and now I feel like he is hiding things. I cannot be in a relationship where I don't feel safe, and right now I only feel safe 50% of the time. He's not trustworthy when it comes to my heart. He's just not.
....
I wrote that, and then we had a huge fight that lasted more than half the day. He was all over the place, and I was just left confused and tired. In the end he said it was too difficult trying to remember what he had told me and what he had told Monkey, and the schedule changing all the time was stressful, and he absolutely needed a day that was just for him, always. I pointed out that he has that - I never schedule anything with him on Tuesdays, and neither does Monkey.
We ended up with keeping everything pretty much the same except that instead of Monday night date night now, he wants a date night and sleepover on Tuesdays, and on the every other week that he is with Monkey on Thursdays, I can have the option of scheduling a sleepover that Friday if I need it. But then he wrote down that he was going to give Monkey every other Monday and every other Friday, so really he just took away his for sure one day off each week.
Honestly, it is just so much from him lately - I think he is just a) overwhelmed with stress from work b) a terrible hinge c) a commitment phobe who really doesn't know what he wants. He seriously told me that he thinks he'll never be able to be just like DarkKnight and PunkRock, and when I pointed out that I never asked him to be and that even they are completely different, and then pointed out two specific ways he wasn't like them at all, he got quiet and then upset because if he WANTED to be like them in that way, he couldn't.
For me, it's just that I don't feel valued any more. I don't feel like a primary, and the second he started scheduling things with other women and NOT sharing that info, that balancing point went from positive to negative. Even if it was just a friendly visit - why make it look like it was anything but that?
Right now I am exhausted emotionally and physically - the yard sale did a toll on me in that I got a really bad sunburn on my legs.
So yeah. Things are garbage here. WarMan says he loves me still and wants to be with me. I just don't feel it much. He said some really rough things to me today that tore me down really low. The night ended ok - I think - but it will be a really difficult road if we are to get back to where we were. I still would like that, it just really remains to be seen if it is possible.
Bluebird
Well-known member
Today was better. Then again, I didn't interact very much with WarMan - just a pop in and out of his office a couple of times. I spent the majority of the day with PunkRock - he had the day off and went to the grocery store with me, and to lunch. Later in the afternoon we painted some WarMachine figures together too. That was great - even though there isn't much talking going on because we're both concentrating on our models, it's still nice to be around him.
PunkRock has been extremely supportive of me after yesterday's fight with WarMan. He and I went to dinner together around 9 pm, and it is really wonderful to have someone there, to just be that calm, strong center.
PunkRock has been extremely supportive of me after yesterday's fight with WarMan. He and I went to dinner together around 9 pm, and it is really wonderful to have someone there, to just be that calm, strong center.
Bluebird
Well-known member
I'm working on budgeting this morning. I absolutely love the fact that all 3 of our flexible spending accounts are running on empty and we're only halfway through the year. NOT. Ugh.
That said, everything else seems to be going well. I bought my daughter's ticket to Denver yesterday - as a graduation present, we are sending her to go and visit one of her birth sisters. They have kept in contact since they are only a year apart in age. My daughter will be leaving for a week in July. Now we just have to get her graduated - she still is finishing up some final assignments for English and for her shop class. Actually, I just finished reading act 4 of Hamlet with my daughter, and she's excited to find out what happens, now that Ophelia is drowned and Hamlet is on his way back to the castle. I guess we will find out soon.
That said, everything else seems to be going well. I bought my daughter's ticket to Denver yesterday - as a graduation present, we are sending her to go and visit one of her birth sisters. They have kept in contact since they are only a year apart in age. My daughter will be leaving for a week in July. Now we just have to get her graduated - she still is finishing up some final assignments for English and for her shop class. Actually, I just finished reading act 4 of Hamlet with my daughter, and she's excited to find out what happens, now that Ophelia is drowned and Hamlet is on his way back to the castle. I guess we will find out soon.
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Bluebird
Well-known member
Well, WarMan had the day off yesterday and spent pretty much the entire day running around from medical appointment to medical appointment. He had put so much off - for more than 6 months, in some cases! - so it was a busy time. Unfortunately, he woke up in massive pain from kidney stones and almost had to cancel everything.
He got his lab work done but then went and camped out in the doctor's office since it is in the same building. They never got to him, since he was a drop-in patient. He ended up leaving so he could make our 10 am therapy session. (I was really touched that he considered it a priority to come work on this with me.) Then he went to his MRI, which put him over the top in terms of pain tolerance - lying on a metal slab and not moving when you have kidney pain and a broken back that won't let you even lay still in a soft bed - ugh! I can't imagine. So after that, he came home and did not go to his appointment with the allergist.
So, to talk about the therapy appointment. Sigh. I am not sure that we necessarily made any forward progress as a couple, but I did leave the session feeling positive. WarMan talked a little bit about "downgrading" our relationship, but he knows how I feel about that, as we have discussed it before. If we cut back on the amount of time we spend together, or if he wants to shift to a FWB dynamic - it isn't happening. Though in the beginning of our time together, I would have been ok with a different sort of relationship, there is zero way I could deal with that now. He suggested that it would be better to just be friends now, than to work through all the issues to discover that we aren't going to be compatible and end up hating each other. That's not ok with me though. If he decides he doesn't want to make us a priority, then there won't be an us. That's where I am, on that.
The therapist said he thinks that it does come down to what is a priority for WarMan. He has so many stresses, and it clearly isn't working for him. Again, this isn't news. Sadly, I really believe that he would rather cut me out than Monkey, which is something he swore to me before would never happen. However, I think that he is more comfortable with their dynamic, because it's familiar and she doesn't require major decisions in his life. I mean, that relationship is easier because he isn't a primary to her and never will be. With me, there's responsibility and maintenance that doesn't and won't ever exist with her.
And, well, that sucks for me, and any other nesting partner WarMan may ever have in the future.
Anyway, bottom line is that I am now in a holding pattern, waiting to see how this shakes out. I love WarMan dearly, and he needs time to figure everything out. His job situation is in flux, but that won't last forever. The big move with my husbands is still at least 9 months away, so there's no rush there - I just keep plugging away with baby steps on that. Honestly, I don't feel like this holding pattern is something new - I told WarMan when we first got together that these were my plans, and that he could be involved with them or not, but it wasn't ideal timing for me to start a major relationship. However, once getting to know him better, I wanted that with him. Very much so. And he indicated in no uncertain terms that he wanted that too. But now as his pressures build, I think he may just end up seeing it as too much work for him to actually love and be loved in a healthy way. How's the saying go - the disfunction you know seems easier to function in?
So yeah. It's fucking sad. I think we still have something worth fighting for, but he has to want to hold up his end. He has said several times that he is still in this. He brought me home some white chocolate truffles last night, I think as an apology, of sorts. He says that he loves me. I know I love him.
We will see I guess.
All that said, things are going well with my husbands. DarkKnight has been crazy affectionate lately, hugging me, kissing me, giving me pets and cuddles consistently. We have a date night and sleepover tonight and we are going to go see the new Ninja Turtles movie. I can't say that I am super excited, but I am glad to be able to go and see it with someone that is pumped about it. PunkRock and I - I feel like we've never been closer. Lately our sex life has been absolutely amazeballs and we've had sex every day for the last few days, and it's been tear-your-clothes off sex. I just can't get enough of him. He's also really been there for me emotionally, through my ups and downs and feelings with WarMan. I never would have thought that my biggest cheerleader for dating WarMan would be PunkRock, but it has turned out that way. He listens and makes me feel calmer.
Overall, my life is positive. The universe unfolds as it should, right? WarMan has told me a couple of times that he feels my life would be so much easier without him in it. Yes, but it wouldn't be the same. Easier does not necessarily mean more worthwhile and happier. I am willing to put in whatever work we need. He does mean an awful lot to me.
He got his lab work done but then went and camped out in the doctor's office since it is in the same building. They never got to him, since he was a drop-in patient. He ended up leaving so he could make our 10 am therapy session. (I was really touched that he considered it a priority to come work on this with me.) Then he went to his MRI, which put him over the top in terms of pain tolerance - lying on a metal slab and not moving when you have kidney pain and a broken back that won't let you even lay still in a soft bed - ugh! I can't imagine. So after that, he came home and did not go to his appointment with the allergist.
So, to talk about the therapy appointment. Sigh. I am not sure that we necessarily made any forward progress as a couple, but I did leave the session feeling positive. WarMan talked a little bit about "downgrading" our relationship, but he knows how I feel about that, as we have discussed it before. If we cut back on the amount of time we spend together, or if he wants to shift to a FWB dynamic - it isn't happening. Though in the beginning of our time together, I would have been ok with a different sort of relationship, there is zero way I could deal with that now. He suggested that it would be better to just be friends now, than to work through all the issues to discover that we aren't going to be compatible and end up hating each other. That's not ok with me though. If he decides he doesn't want to make us a priority, then there won't be an us. That's where I am, on that.
The therapist said he thinks that it does come down to what is a priority for WarMan. He has so many stresses, and it clearly isn't working for him. Again, this isn't news. Sadly, I really believe that he would rather cut me out than Monkey, which is something he swore to me before would never happen. However, I think that he is more comfortable with their dynamic, because it's familiar and she doesn't require major decisions in his life. I mean, that relationship is easier because he isn't a primary to her and never will be. With me, there's responsibility and maintenance that doesn't and won't ever exist with her.
And, well, that sucks for me, and any other nesting partner WarMan may ever have in the future.
Anyway, bottom line is that I am now in a holding pattern, waiting to see how this shakes out. I love WarMan dearly, and he needs time to figure everything out. His job situation is in flux, but that won't last forever. The big move with my husbands is still at least 9 months away, so there's no rush there - I just keep plugging away with baby steps on that. Honestly, I don't feel like this holding pattern is something new - I told WarMan when we first got together that these were my plans, and that he could be involved with them or not, but it wasn't ideal timing for me to start a major relationship. However, once getting to know him better, I wanted that with him. Very much so. And he indicated in no uncertain terms that he wanted that too. But now as his pressures build, I think he may just end up seeing it as too much work for him to actually love and be loved in a healthy way. How's the saying go - the disfunction you know seems easier to function in?
So yeah. It's fucking sad. I think we still have something worth fighting for, but he has to want to hold up his end. He has said several times that he is still in this. He brought me home some white chocolate truffles last night, I think as an apology, of sorts. He says that he loves me. I know I love him.
We will see I guess.
All that said, things are going well with my husbands. DarkKnight has been crazy affectionate lately, hugging me, kissing me, giving me pets and cuddles consistently. We have a date night and sleepover tonight and we are going to go see the new Ninja Turtles movie. I can't say that I am super excited, but I am glad to be able to go and see it with someone that is pumped about it.
PunkRock and I - I feel like we've never been closer. Lately our sex life has been absolutely amazeballs and we've had sex every day for the last few days, and it's been tear-your-clothes off sex. I just can't get enough of him. He's also really been there for me emotionally, through my ups and downs and feelings with WarMan. I never would have thought that my biggest cheerleader for dating WarMan would be PunkRock, but it has turned out that way. He listens and makes me feel calmer.Overall, my life is positive. The universe unfolds as it should, right? WarMan has told me a couple of times that he feels my life would be so much easier without him in it. Yes, but it wouldn't be the same. Easier does not necessarily mean more worthwhile and happier. I am willing to put in whatever work we need. He does mean an awful lot to me.
Bluebird
Well-known member
WarMan and I had another fight yesterday, but it was all text-based. I was feeling down in the afternoon and sent him a brief statement just saying that I felt sad. He respond with a brick about how he needs "x" to be happy and I am refusing to compromise so he can't get that. When I told him that he needs to define "x" because I have no idea what he is talking about, he backed off and agreed that he had no idea either, and that we needed to work together to come up with what it is he needs.
That didn't really improve my shitty mood, if you can imagine. I did end up having a really good date night with DarkKnight though - we went to go see the new Ninja Turtles movie and then out for pizza (of course!) after. When we finished dinner we decided to drive over and hang out at Starbucks, like old times. He bought me a skinny chai latte and some lemon pound cake and we sat and just were happy being near each other.
At the end of the evening, it was pouring buckets and lightning was cutting up the sky. We had to get to the car - we did have umbrellas - but we both got fairly wet. There was a point where we were both trying to close the umbrellas and the water was going everywhere! We both looked at each other and just started laughing like a couple of loons. It was a pretty amazing moment.
Some other news - PunkRock received a phone call today from his stepmom, and his brother, LordTenderHeart, is in a mental hospital. LordTenderHeart had been friend-zoned by a love interest of his and kept hoping he'd win her affections, but when she found a new partner, he became upset and showed up at her home, wanting to get back some yard tools or stuff like that, that he had let her borrow. She wasn't home, so he broke into her house to get his things, and stole her gun. She called the police. Yeah. He has a friend watching his parrot but that's all the info we have right now. This is crazypants stuff, but right now we just have an outline of info. I have no idea if or when PunkRock will go to see him.
I need to go grocery shopping today, and I guess I am going to take WarMan's car to go get the flat tire fixed.
That didn't really improve my shitty mood, if you can imagine. I did end up having a really good date night with DarkKnight though - we went to go see the new Ninja Turtles movie and then out for pizza (of course!) after. When we finished dinner we decided to drive over and hang out at Starbucks, like old times.
He bought me a skinny chai latte and some lemon pound cake and we sat and just were happy being near each other. At the end of the evening, it was pouring buckets and lightning was cutting up the sky. We had to get to the car - we did have umbrellas - but we both got fairly wet. There was a point where we were both trying to close the umbrellas and the water was going everywhere! We both looked at each other and just started laughing like a couple of loons. It was a pretty amazing moment.
Some other news - PunkRock received a phone call today from his stepmom, and his brother, LordTenderHeart, is in a mental hospital. LordTenderHeart had been friend-zoned by a love interest of his and kept hoping he'd win her affections, but when she found a new partner, he became upset and showed up at her home, wanting to get back some yard tools or stuff like that, that he had let her borrow. She wasn't home, so he broke into her house to get his things, and stole her gun. She called the police. Yeah. He has a friend watching his parrot but that's all the info we have right now. This is crazypants stuff, but right now we just have an outline of info. I have no idea if or when PunkRock will go to see him.
I need to go grocery shopping today, and I guess I am going to take WarMan's car to go get the flat tire fixed.