Bluebird
Well-known member
Awwww thanks! Honestly, in real life I sometimes take a lot of flack about the way that I have raised my children. They have to take on a lot of responsibility around the house, and I'm fairly strict. That said, there's a reason why I parent the way I do - kids who have experienced trauma as deep and vast as my children need to feel that others find them capable and responsible, so they will start to believe it themselves. Also, it gives them order and control, which they don't have a whole lot of experience dealing with at all. I feel the proof is in the pudding, so to speak, in that my kids are respectful and confident that I will always trust them to be able to handle something. And, well, it's borne out - they do call me when they need assistance, to get my opinion, and they are relatively self-sufficient in their day to day lives, once they have moved out. Plus, my older daughter tells me all the time that when she was a teenager, she didn't appreciate all the chores and how strict I was, but she needed it and she is glad now that I saw that.
DarkKnight and I were certified as higher-level foster parents, meaning that kids that couldn't hack it in regular foster homes could be placed with us. All 3 of my kids were in residential care at some point (meaning a group home). Michigan came to us out of an orphanage-style place outside of NYC, whereas my oldest two had been in a group home but had transitioned down to a higher level foster home when they were placed with me. I can't even estimate how many parenting classes and trainings I have sat through in my life! It definitely isn't easy, and from the outside looking in, a lot of my friends think I am too hard on my kids, not permissive enough. But there is a real reason why I can't be as lackadaisical with my children!
Michigan though, has been my easiest child as an older teenager. When she was 10-11-12-13 though - we had some real tumultuous years where she felt completely out of control and lost...and confused, I would say. I homeschooled her not only because of her brain issues (long and short term memory loss) but because she needed constant reassurance and redirection. Having her be with me ALL THE TIME really helped her. It was exhausting some days, but I don't regret being a stay at home mom to her.
Haha! That reminds me of a time I was having a "home visit" from one of Michigan's social workers. This lady had visited us 3 or 4 times previously and always had glowing things to say about how sweet Michigan was, and how calm and poised. She was beginning to tsk about how maybe we should downgrade Michigan's status in the system, since she was doing so well. That day when Michigan came home from school (she was in public school until we officially adopted her in 5th grade) she was an absolute terror. Refused to sit down and speak to her worker, threw herself on the floor, crawled under the table and SCREAMED intermittently during our conversation. I will never forget the deer-in-headlights look the worker gave me! She was brand new to her caseload, and hadn't worked with attachment disordered kids before. She was literally frozen in shock and didn't know how to respond. I just let repeating to Michigan that she had to choose to come sit in the dining room chair next to me, or to come sit on my lap and I would hold her. I would continue the conversation with the worker, but then focus back on Michigan after a minute, to ask her if she had decided. After a bit, I told her that I was now going to make a choice if she didn't. She calmly climbed up in the chair beside me and started conversing with the worker.
The worker later told me she would have handled that completely different and she feels her way would have been completely wrong! And she was shocked that Michigan would ever behave in that way - it was as if she had regressed to a preschool age. Well, duh. That's why she is in the higher care level! She only did that sort of thing once out in public, thank goodness. My older daughter did it ALL THE TIME. If you can imagine a 13 year old girl banging her head and fists and feet against the floor in the grocery store.
I don't miss that part of parenting! Lol
DarkKnight and I were certified as higher-level foster parents, meaning that kids that couldn't hack it in regular foster homes could be placed with us. All 3 of my kids were in residential care at some point (meaning a group home). Michigan came to us out of an orphanage-style place outside of NYC, whereas my oldest two had been in a group home but had transitioned down to a higher level foster home when they were placed with me. I can't even estimate how many parenting classes and trainings I have sat through in my life! It definitely isn't easy, and from the outside looking in, a lot of my friends think I am too hard on my kids, not permissive enough. But there is a real reason why I can't be as lackadaisical with my children!
Michigan though, has been my easiest child as an older teenager. When she was 10-11-12-13 though - we had some real tumultuous years where she felt completely out of control and lost...and confused, I would say. I homeschooled her not only because of her brain issues (long and short term memory loss) but because she needed constant reassurance and redirection. Having her be with me ALL THE TIME really helped her. It was exhausting some days, but I don't regret being a stay at home mom to her.
Haha! That reminds me of a time I was having a "home visit" from one of Michigan's social workers. This lady had visited us 3 or 4 times previously and always had glowing things to say about how sweet Michigan was, and how calm and poised. She was beginning to tsk about how maybe we should downgrade Michigan's status in the system, since she was doing so well. That day when Michigan came home from school (she was in public school until we officially adopted her in 5th grade) she was an absolute terror. Refused to sit down and speak to her worker, threw herself on the floor, crawled under the table and SCREAMED intermittently during our conversation. I will never forget the deer-in-headlights look the worker gave me! She was brand new to her caseload, and hadn't worked with attachment disordered kids before. She was literally frozen in shock and didn't know how to respond. I just let repeating to Michigan that she had to choose to come sit in the dining room chair next to me, or to come sit on my lap and I would hold her. I would continue the conversation with the worker, but then focus back on Michigan after a minute, to ask her if she had decided. After a bit, I told her that I was now going to make a choice if she didn't. She calmly climbed up in the chair beside me and started conversing with the worker.
The worker later told me she would have handled that completely different and she feels her way would have been completely wrong! And she was shocked that Michigan would ever behave in that way - it was as if she had regressed to a preschool age. Well, duh. That's why she is in the higher care level! She only did that sort of thing once out in public, thank goodness. My older daughter did it ALL THE TIME. If you can imagine a 13 year old girl banging her head and fists and feet against the floor in the grocery store.
I don't miss that part of parenting! Lol